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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU re guest manners?

59 replies

Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 12:55

PIL come to see us quite frequently as both retired and as they live quite a long way end up staying 4 or 5 nights on average. No problem there. Have a good relationship with them and they are helpful with the children. Due to work commitments and length of drive we don’t travel to them that often. However, when they come they don’t contribute whatsoever. I don’t expect guests to contribute but to give examples: they tell me when the milk or bread runs low and wouldn’t dream of going to supermarket, they request the newspaper only they read when I go to the shop, they sit back and wait for us to pay if we go to cafe or restaurant. The most annoying, is they tuck into all our lovely, expensive wine whilst claiming they don’t drink at home and they don’t really know the difference between a cheap bottle and the nice ones I tend to buy which are more expensive! And this is every night!!!!! When the tables turn and we go to their house, I am normally told to bring wine and coffee as “they don’t know what to buy” and never have any in! We also end up going to the shops and paying for meals and coffees. No real problems with money- they can afford several holidays a year. There are also countless examples of promised presents for birthday and Christmas which never materialised..... so Aibu and should I think this is their just reward for looking after my husband when he was a child? I’m not a mean person but I’m starting to feel a little bit taken advantage of!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 28/04/2019 12:57

Why on earth haven’t you started having 6 bottles of £5 wine in, for when they visit?

Illy603 · 28/04/2019 13:00

This would absolutely wind me up!
Do they give notice when they are coming?! I just wouldn’t buy any wine. I’d still buy in the groceries for meals but I think it’s rude as hell that they wouldn’t at least offer to pay for lunch while you are all out!
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You open up your home to them for almost a week... they could at least bring a bottle of wine to say thanks!

megrichardson · 28/04/2019 13:01

Yes, they're being tight. I would do as Ellisandra suggests: hide all the good wine and get in some cheapo stuff, ditto coffee. Also say something to them when dining out 'Is it your turn to pay this time?'

I would try to embarrass them a bit too, by perhaps talking about the things your parents buy for you.

churchthecat · 28/04/2019 13:01

I'd stock up on Aldi £4 wine and hide the decent stuff.

Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 13:02

Yes- I have tried that before but husband gets upset with me as he doesn’t want to drink the cheap stuff and thinks I am being mean. Perhaps I am. Another thing I thought of. They won’t do any washing up or tidying up as they go along as they think as I have a cleaner once a week she can do it!!!!

OP posts:
isseywithcats · 28/04/2019 13:03

when you know they are coming hide the expensive wine and buy in some nice but cheaper at aldi wine, when we had family guests last year i bought all the food and wine wouldnt have expected them to buy anything or help with housework, they were guests in my house but admit they did pay for a nice meal out the last night they were here,and when we went out for the day they paid for their own lunch and we paid for ours, so the outside not paying is a bit unfair of them, next time you go out with them order your own food and drinks, let them order their own and make it plain that they are paying their share themselves

justthecat · 28/04/2019 13:04

I’d be buying the cheapest wine, coffee etc

DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/04/2019 13:05

As PP says the wine is easily solved.

I don't think YABU. Regular guests, especially self-invited ones, should chip in. I think your DH will have to be the one to broach it though.

BlueJava · 28/04/2019 13:06

It depends on whether you can afford to host them in the style to which they have obviously become accustomed I think. If they eat/drink lots of expensive stuff and it's affordable by you then I'd treat them and not worry. If it's hard to manage then go to a cheaper shop and get the wine/groceries when they are coming!

I have similar with my own parents (although they don't stay) but they tell us about all the bargains they get food shopping - as soon as I unwrap M&S food or Tesco Finest they are all over it! The last time they came they told us how cheap jam was in Lidle... at tea time we had homemade scoes with cream and Bonne Maman blackberry jam - they couldn't get over how it is is! Kind of makes us all smile though.

BertrandRussell · 28/04/2019 13:07

Hide the good stuff and ask them to go shopping.

As a side note- have people noticed that “guests” in a thread title almost always means PILs? Grin

megrichardson · 28/04/2019 13:11

I can't help thinking that people who behave like this (not bringing anything, taking the piss etc) know exactly what they're doing. They are relying on you being too embarrassed to say anything, or somehow they think that there's a tacit agreement that it's ok because they're older or something.

Jaxhog · 28/04/2019 13:13

Hide your decent wine and coffee etc. Or if DH objects, suggest he replenish the stock himself. Don't take wine or coffee when visitng them.

If they invite you to go out with them - they should pay, Ditto, if you do. If they don't pay on their invite, politely ask the waiter for 2 bills. Then do it again next time you invite them out.

I would never ask a guest to wash up etc. But most volunteer. Maybe if your DH helped you it would make a difference?

I also think you need to be 'less available' as hosts. 5-6 days is a longtime. Especially if its frequent. You will eventually come to despise them if this continues.

Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 13:15

I have often wondered if MIL has any financial independence. FIL tends to control the purse strings. She never appears to have any money when she comes by herself. She has got upset in the past when she compares what they have bought the children for Xmas or birthdays compared to my parents who are extremely generous (but not as wealthy). I accidentally overheard her on the phone a few months ago giving a detailed breakdown of every penny she spent that day in his absence. She sometimes talks about how she would like a cleaner or somebody in to clean the windows but FIL would never agree to it.

OP posts:
JeezOhGeeWhizz · 28/04/2019 13:18

Hide the good grog and just get cheapy wine.

Creatureofthenight · 28/04/2019 13:19

Wow. They are taking the piss.
When my family come to stay they just get stuck in if stuff needs doing, like the dishes. PILs don’t stay over as live nearby but will happily brew up, pop to the shops etc.
For a start I’d buy nice wine next time they come but make a big show of taking the labels off and giving them to them to take home so they can’t claim they don’t know what to buy!

mummmy2017 · 28/04/2019 13:20

Well think of it as your saving the petrol money and your time, when you come to you....
Is your DH an only child?
Food wise just accept your having to do it....
But forget to buy the food when you go to theirs, and just say what ever they have is fine.....people let you do it as they know your not calling them on it...
I had someone do this....
They said let's eat somewhere, it was expensive for lunch... So told them your fine go order your food, you can use your card here.... They were like oh it is very expensive,,,. Shall we go somewhere else....

Alsohuman · 28/04/2019 13:20

That’s very, very sad. I feel so sorry for your MiL. Poor woman, it must be dreadful for her.

fecketyfeck21 · 28/04/2019 13:22

fil sounds a right dick and a financial arsehole. they must save a fortune keep staying with you, i think i'd cut that down a bit to start with.
it sounds like dh wants to keep in favour with his df though, maybe he should go and visit them sometimes.
we all know visitors, esp cf ones are like fish...

Boysey45 · 28/04/2019 13:23

Go to Aldi and Lidl and get stocked up with the cheapest of the cheap, they wont be able to tell if they don't drink wine etc.You can get really cheap coffee and soft drinks and basics there. It wont cost you very much at all.
I'd tell the when eating out you can only pay for yourselves and they will have to pay their own food bill.They are taking the piss big style and are really tight.

mummmy2017 · 28/04/2019 13:23

The poor woman...
You so need to give FIL his karma...

Littletabbyocelot · 28/04/2019 13:25

Given your update, is she/was she a good mum? If she is and you can afford it, I'd take the opportunity to treat her kindly. Maybe set a budget for their visits. But this would also depend on DH pulling his weight in terms of the extra work generated

Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 13:26

She’s a wonderful mother and grandmother. Adore her.

OP posts:
Beachbodynowayready · 28/04/2019 13:27

You need to shorten their visits. Their savings from living so often with you is paying for their holidays!!
They aren't guests but spongers imo.

Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 13:31

I wonder if her visits are a kind of therapy. A break from looking after the penny pinching, domestic work shy misogynist. She would have expensive taste but he curbs it to the extreme!

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 28/04/2019 13:36

It wouldn't bother me if I could happily afford it to be honest ,
and if it was only for a few days at a time.

If money was very tight it would be a different matter.

It is a bit odd though. My parents wouldn't dream of not contributing anything but they are generous people and if we go for family meals they like to pay the majority of it. The problem you have is your father in law is a tight arse and your partner isn't in agreement with you. So if he's happy to spend money on them and do all the cleaning up then fine.

It sounds more like because it's a distance away they treat your place like being on a mini break.