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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU re guest manners?

59 replies

Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 12:55

PIL come to see us quite frequently as both retired and as they live quite a long way end up staying 4 or 5 nights on average. No problem there. Have a good relationship with them and they are helpful with the children. Due to work commitments and length of drive we don’t travel to them that often. However, when they come they don’t contribute whatsoever. I don’t expect guests to contribute but to give examples: they tell me when the milk or bread runs low and wouldn’t dream of going to supermarket, they request the newspaper only they read when I go to the shop, they sit back and wait for us to pay if we go to cafe or restaurant. The most annoying, is they tuck into all our lovely, expensive wine whilst claiming they don’t drink at home and they don’t really know the difference between a cheap bottle and the nice ones I tend to buy which are more expensive! And this is every night!!!!! When the tables turn and we go to their house, I am normally told to bring wine and coffee as “they don’t know what to buy” and never have any in! We also end up going to the shops and paying for meals and coffees. No real problems with money- they can afford several holidays a year. There are also countless examples of promised presents for birthday and Christmas which never materialised..... so Aibu and should I think this is their just reward for looking after my husband when he was a child? I’m not a mean person but I’m starting to feel a little bit taken advantage of!

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NoSauce · 28/04/2019 13:37

This isn’t on OP. It sounds like FIL is very controlling financially to me.
If DH doesn’t want to hide the good stuff I don’t know how you’d get around this issue.

Maybe ask FIL to bring some wine on his next visit? If you don’t ask he never will do. And yes could you cut the length of time they visit down to 2/3 days?

JaneEyre07 · 28/04/2019 13:39

I'd carry on being generous when they come to you given what you've said about FIL. Especially if it's something she seems to like.

But I wouldn't take anything with you when you visit them from now on.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/04/2019 13:42

I think the problem is specifically your FIL, who sounds both greedy and mean. It's probably him driving the idea that your PIL should be indulged and waited on and contribute nothing, but he's just that bit shy of insisting that he gets the good stuff and it doesn't matter about his DW, in front of you. MIL is probably embarrassed by his behaviour but unable to do anything about it as she can't access any money by herself.

Dippypippy1980 · 28/04/2019 13:42

I think you see these visits as an opportunity to give MIL a break from what sounds like controlling abuse.

If you can afford to host them, then see the expensive wine and cafe lunches as treats she wouldn’t otherwise get. Unfortunately her awful husband also benefits- but that is just an incidental.

The poor woman might be mortified by his behaviour- but she has had a lifetime of this.

Tread carefully - but check with her that she is happy and safe at home.

M4J4 · 28/04/2019 13:42

Why on earth haven’t you started having 6 bottles of £5 wine in, for when they visit?

This.

And stop the meals out!

Margot33 · 28/04/2019 13:45

Sounds like fil is watching his finances and mil has to go along with it. I would carry on as you are if you can afford it. If not then take a break from the wine, perhaps keep it for Sunday meals. I don't drink alcohol now but used to buy it for Sunday meals.

unflushable · 28/04/2019 13:46

However, when they come they don’t contribute whatsoever.

But you just said they help with children.

I don’t expect guests to contribute but to give examples: they tell me when the milk or bread runs low and wouldn’t dream of going to supermarket,

... so, you want them to contribute, or you don't want them to contribute? You need to clarify this in your own mind before a solution can be found.

they request the newspaper only they read when I go to the shop,

Why would anyone ask for a newspaper they don't want to read? If you want to read a different newspaper, why not buy it as well? Newspapers are cheap from what I recall.

they sit back and wait for us to pay if we go to cafe or restaurant.

This one, I wouldn't tolerate, so YANBU here. I only pay for my own food, ever. The solution here is to lift the bill, say "the bill is £X, so that's £X/n each." (where "n" is the total number of people in your group).

The most annoying, is they tuck into all our lovely, expensive wine whilst claiming they don’t drink at home and they don’t really know the difference between a cheap bottle and the nice ones I tend to buy which are more expensive!

Hide the expensive wine, stock up on cheap bottles when they're coming.

And this is every night!!!!! When the tables turn and we go to their house, I am normally told to bring wine and coffee as “they don’t know what to buy” and never have any in!

I would buy really cheap stuff in this case. Tesco everyday value coffee, for example. If they question it, just say it's your favourite brand. Remember, if you do a job badly enough, you won't get asked to do it again.

candycane222 · 28/04/2019 13:51

If MiL can't spend and FiL won't perhaps think of the money side as treating MiL. But it's not on that they don't help. When staying with family or having family to stay, on both sides, the visitor always say can I do anything to help', clear dishes, set table and clean up after themselves mathematically. If they visit that often they must know where everything is!

Not sure how you'd broach this other than maybe try 'oooh Mil do you think you could rinse off that salad, while I'm stirring the sauce' 'ooh Pil could you just fetch the jug of water to the table' kind of thing, and give them the idea that you wouldn't think they were interfering if they lent at least the occasional hand.

candycane222 · 28/04/2019 13:51

sorry I meant to write "when my family are staying with each other" I didn't mean it was a law of the universe Grin

diddl · 28/04/2019 13:52

So you're drinking wine every night & they are having some of it or they just help themselves?

If they can't tell the difference, serve them soething cheaper & have the other stuff yourselves.

Why wouldn't they dream of going to the supermarket or to fetch their own paper?

CurtainsOpen · 28/04/2019 13:54

Ask?

churchthecat · 28/04/2019 13:54

In that case I'd treat MIL and give her the nice food and wine.

Then break out the Aldi cooking wine for FIL.

BiscuitDrama · 28/04/2019 13:55

How often are these visits? At 4/5 nights you’re talking once or twice a year I would think?

Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 13:55

No I’m not- I have to work!!! They help themselves...

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Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 13:56

Frequency is about once a month for MiL and FIL comes every second time

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quizqueen · 28/04/2019 13:58

Are you likely to receive a decent inheritance from them, if so, maybe best to just suck it up.

I wouldn't buy them a newspaper though; tell them to walk to the local shop as you read the news online or say the shop had run out and I would expect them to offer to help with the clearing up. Get cheap wine for the table and pour your husband a glass from a (hidden) expensive one, if he won't drink the cheap stuff, and say it's the last of that bottle, if asked! Just provide basic meals and no extra treats and don't eat out when they are there.

Holidayshopping · 28/04/2019 14:01

If your DH doesn’t see a problem and won’t drink cheaper wine-I’m not sure what you can do.

I’d be telling him you find it bloody cheeky and he should go and stay with them on his own more.

He may be financially controlling to her but does that stop either them offering to clear up after themselves?! It’s just selfish and I wouldn’t want them to stay more than a night. Sounds like they are using you to save money to fund their holidays?

fecketyfeck21 · 28/04/2019 14:02

no one should rely on inheritance, what cf-ery in itself.

dreichuplands · 28/04/2019 14:02

My DM does the sitting down expecting to be paid thing, this is because she sees herself as much poorer. We don't spend much physical time together so I let it ride.
The best way of not being drunk out of house and home is simply to announce you are on a health kick so having a non drinking household for a while.
If they are staying very regularly and you are working I would ask them to do a little shopping, leave them a little list and directions to the shop.

Holidayshopping · 28/04/2019 14:03

Frequency is about once a month for MiL and FIL comes every second time

Is she any different when he’s not there? Does she help eg clear the table? Does she ask for the paper or wine?

When you go there, could you take the coffee you like and wine you like and leave them there, telling them now they know what to buy when you come again as they can just replace them with the same stuff?!

Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 14:05

Would you believe I asked them to go to the shop once to get a few things. I had a newborn, they were staying for a week. FIL presented me with the bill!!!

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Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 14:07

I get the feeling MIL is not ‘allowed’ to buy the stuff we like but would love to and is embarrassed. Hence the excuses and asking me to bring stuff down.

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dreichuplands · 28/04/2019 14:12

Oh, you have a serious CF to deal with then OP, not a easy thing to manage.
I am also wondering what your DH does in this?
I might be tempted to explain to DH that while you are happy to host his parents their meanness is irritating you so much that you are leaving the shopping and prep relating to them to him.
Smile and disengage.
Also politely refuse to bring stuff to theirs, say that you are quite happy to accept what they give you in the same way they do.

Cherrysoup · 28/04/2019 14:13

She stays for nearly a week every time? That would drive me nuts. I think your DH should tell them it's their turn to pay, easily done 'I'll get this one, Dad, you get tomorrow's '. If they tell you to get wine when you go to them, he should be telling them to get it when they visit you.

If they're holdidaying regularly, I think they can spring for meals out/booze. Meanness drives me nuts. I have to fight my dad to pay for anything whether I'm at his or he's at mine. (Not really fight, I just sneak to pay!)

Exitstrategist · 28/04/2019 14:15

DH is generous to a fault. Wants them to have a nice time when they come, particularly his mother! He is very fussy and wouldn’t cope with cheap coffee and wine- would far prefer to bring his own. I’ve also suggested not talking them to restaurants etc but he says why would we deny ourselves as we work hard. He gets very defensive about it

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