I feel like I have failed as a parent (Xbox related)

[pinksoda35]

My son is nearly 12 and just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, He will be starting medication soon.
He is becoming more and more shut off from our family life, choosing to spend all his time in his room on his Xbox/phone, If we did not intervene he would not leave his room and would be on the Xbox from morning till night, He has spent 6 plus hours on it with maybe the odd break to go on his phone and come out for food, I am feeling like I am failing now and that this isn't right and something I really want to get a handle on now, I admit we do let him spend more time on the Xbox because he is very hard work when he is made to come off and will then mope around and channel flick or ask me what he should do? most of the time he will cause an argument and say we are all kinds of rubbish parents/or wind his younger Brother up so in the end we send him back to his room/let him back on the Xbox-I KNOW this is not what we should be doing but we really are struggling to manage his behaviour and get him to want to do anything else.
He literally has no other interests and no longer want to come anywhere with us as a family,whether this be dog walks/lunch/day trips instead he kicks up a fuss and asks to stay at home, because he can be very hard to control if he doesn't want to be somewhere we have taken to leaving him at home for certain outings.
I have asked him to arrange to meet friends but he just says they dont want to go anywhere, we have offered to drive him to meet them etc...nothing gets arranged and he no longer wants to go to an after school club he did go too.
He is a friendly boy and has lots of friends in school-not so many outside of it, He seems happy but is completely obsessed with the Xbox and phone/internet.
I feel so sad and just need some advice please.
We are now going to enforce limits which we have tried in the past but I will admit after a while and some difficult behaviour from Son we relent and he ends up back on the Xbox again.
When someone literally has no interest in ANYTHING else and becomes upset/bored/frustrated/angry when we stop him what can be done???? He will then try his best to misbehave (or this is how it feels) so we give in...Things like rolling around on the floor with the dogs shouting silly things and not stopping when asked/rough playing with his young brother and not stopping when asked/shouting at us
Some of which could be ADHD related but I still need to know how best to deal with this instead of just relenting and letting him have his phone/go back on the Xbox.
Thanks in advance if anyone can offer some advice because it really is starting to worry and upset me and his dad.

Move to a rural island and live without any technology? Let him walk miles to school and play outside on beaches and fields all day?

I'm not being serious and I don't know the anwer to your problems, but I commend you for making a decision to deal with it. I work in a school and I wish more parents would decide to be firmer about the time their children spend on x-boxes. I'm seeing a whole generation of boys who are very different to the last, and not in a good way.

You have my sympathy.
I hate PlayStation with a passion.

You need the help of a child psychologist to set up and implement some new rules.

Chocolate - what are you finding is different? My son (also ADHD) loves the x box and we do limit it (wouldn’t go on before 4pm and off after dinner about 6:30). I hope it is not affecting him too much.

It’s really hard when the removal of Xbox causes breakdown in behaviour. He may be using it as a tool to help himself calm down (strangely).

My only suggestion is trying to see what he wants to do which isn’t Xbox and work with that to create space where he can do something different - or short spells where being away from the Xbox works towards a reward of something he wants.
Hope you find a way to deal with it... keep us updated!

I don’t have a child with ADHD so my suggestion may be wrong, but this XBox/phone thing is clearly not helping the situation. If he’s not quite 12 that seems a bit young for a phone frankly.
Parenting is bloody hard and who hasn’t used a computer or gaming console to babysit on occasion. But I’m afraid 6 hours a day is out of control. Do you spend any quality time with him at all?
Honestly the only way forward is to remove it and the phone and go cold turkey. I did this with one of my DC when it became evident their behaviour worsened considerably with too much time online on a laptop. It was a wholesale ban from the computer for a month. Yes we had tears and screaming matches and I was climbing the walls but within a week I got my child back. Once we were sure their behaviour would stay acceptable and that when we said it was time to stop they would without a complaint, only then were they allowed online for a limited time again.
We won’t ever be getting an XBox or similar and certainly not a phone until they can afford to pay for it themselves. It is doable, the first week will be tough but I cannot tell you what a difference it makes. It breeds boredom which in turn breeds creativity.
The vast majority of kids can get addicted to this stuff - it’s designed to be addictive - and it is probably even worse for a kid without ADHD. It’s literally like a drug.
I wish you luck OP, it will be hard but you owe it to your DS to take a firm stance on this one while he is still so young.

I'm so sorry OP, I feel your pain. We are having similar problems with DS9, who is utterly addicted to my laptop and also want to take steps to sort it out. It is SO hard, the easy option is always to give in and let them have it back. We are also wondering if there is more going on - his older siblings (and peers) do not have such a dependency on screens.

Out of interest @cakeandchampagne, how can one go about finding a child psychologist? It is something we have been thinking about, but just have no idea how to go about finding someone who can help?

Best of luck OP - you have my every sympathy. Stay strong!

Can you make him earn the XBox? When I was that age, I had to finish my homework before I could watch any shows I wanted so it really made sure I would do it then my mum would check it. I would also (if possible) not allow the Xbox in his room so it doesn't interfere with him sleeping.

I have no experience of ADHD so can’t comment from that perspective, sorry, but can tell you that we have managed, faced with the addictive issue of xbox, to get our ds1 to the age of 15 without him becoming a social recluse or unemotional zombie. We have:

• needed to be very utterly strict however difficult it can be
• imposed usage rules he may have sometimes seen as unfair but has learnt through maturity are there for good reasons
• helped him deal with the social stupidness, and sometimes bullying, that teenagers impose on each other when they find out others are not allowed unrestricted access to computer games. You’d be amazed how many parents allow almost limitless access without thinking of the long term consequences...and these are often the unkindest kids in the dog-eat-dog world of secondary school (imo strongly related to the types of games played and the related emotional detachment)
• helped him find and enjoy many other interests that do not involve screens and that have helped himdevelop real world friendships and physical strength.

It can be done. But you have to be soooooo very strong inside yourself, be patient in your approach and interactions with him, and work together as parents. It will sometimes be very difficult, especially when you are battling the tiredness and challenges of working and family life. BUT it will pay you back with a mature, happy, and kind young person who will put his/her family first. Make them the adult you always hoped they would be. Not an adult who plays games on a screen lol.

Also, 12 is a tricky transition age, and you will find yourself need lots of patience 🙂 everything is temporary, just keep focused.

We don’t let our 14yo DS with ADHD use screens on school days but I feel that the weekends are his down time to spend as he pleases but I’m doubting this attitude tbh. I honestly don’t know if how I approach it is right or wrong. Maybe he has too much freedom at the weekend in it.

Your child’s doctor should be able to make a referral. If you are happy with the school, you might inquire there.

Thank you so much for the replies..Very helpful advice which I am determined to follow as best I can..My youngest is 4 so can be very demanding in other ways and I will admit it is so much easier to allow eldest to go on his phone/Xbox whilst I deal with the youngest.
We want more family time and we do drag him out with us plus every night we all watch tv together once the little one is in bed(currently Britain's got talent)
It is just the unwillingness and total lack of interest in anything else that upsets and worries me.
I do worry he is going to lose friends and become the stereotypical loner in his room in front of a screen.
We are having work done on the house and then the Xbox won't be in his room anymore so that's one issue solved!
I know it will be tough and I don't know how we will manage it because as I say he simply can't/won't do anything else

I have no experience with ADHD but can you try switching XBox for a different activity? For example for each hour on the XBox he has to try a different activity. Maybe just keep trying different activities, alternating between physical & crafty activities. Eventually you have to find something he’s interested in that’s not a computer game. See if you can link it to the Xbox, like take a character from a game & write about it, invent a backstory. Possibly it could become a family thing, like a round robin, everyone comes up with part of the story.

This is so destructive. He needs to come off it. Go on holiday and have the WiFi ‘break’ while you are away.

And get him a hobby.

Yes, good plan, Xbox in a family area of the house works well. That way you are more conscious of the time spent on it and know more about the style of the interactions he has on there with others. This was one of the best things we did, albeit too late to stop some of the cyber bullying in our case.

support.microsoft.com/en-gb/help/4028244/microsoft-account-set-up-screen-time-limits-for-your-child
You can set a limit that switches the Xbox off itself. It gives a warning a few minutes wrote I think.

Get rid of it! Simple as that, yes it’ll be hard, yes he’ll probably have a meltdown but you have to stick it out. Locking himself away in his room for hours on end staring at a screen will make him more and more socially isolated. You’re his parent not his entertainer, let him be bored he’ll soon realise that he will have to entertain himself if the Xbox has gone! Be strong you can do it.

I don’t think it’s anythinb to do with adhd. Ds is just 13 and basically lives in his room, on Xbox shouting at his friends (as they all shout back over one another).

I have to insist he goes out, comes for a walk with us and the dogs (or walks them for us) etc.

My DD, would happily do the same. I had a family meeting for all of us, no blame on anyone. I set up a routine chart, got a plain clock and ccoloured times technology was off limits. We fought every morning over her tablet, now unless she is dressed teeth fed, then if she has 10 minutes to spare from roblox.
It is very hard, but so important you break the cycle, I think it is the root cause of many DCs issues. He'll spend tge next 6 years doing it if you don't break the chain.
Make plans now the good weather is here, can you afford a camping trip.

I do have experience of adhd, both as a parent and someone that has it.

If he will be starting on medication soon I think I would wait until he has that in place before trying to force too many changes. It is incredibly easy with adhd to get ‘locked in’ to tech related activities. Switching to another activity can almost be mentally painful.

I know for both me and my son that once we get away from the tech we often have a nice time and feel so much better, but the barrier to getting there in the first place is a hard one to break. The medication should help with this

She also has add along with other issues, I understand it is a fight, but it is worth it eventually.

It is the eternal battle in this house too. And I’ve seen a 23 year old elsewhere who is now a complete social failure as a result of screen addiction - unable to work or function properly in society, he lives in his grandparents basement and is a complete waste of space. I have taken my DSs on holiday to Spain, Austria, Greece and made them do sightseeing, skiing, swimming etc but whilst they go along with it I know their preference would still have been to sit on screens all day, which can be soul destroying as well as infuriating. Both play football which is good so I’m doing my best but god help me it is a battle which is hard to win or even understand. I would have been thrilled to have half their opportunities at that age but they just don’t see it.

Op the problem is that he is addicted. So of course he will moan and complain that other things are boring. In order to help him grow into a healthy happy teen and adult you need him to learn how to entertain himself and how to build a social life.

Yes it will be hard for him to think of what to do etc but the answer is forcing him to think for himself.

He is going to grow up completely lacking in resiliance and creative thinking etc unless you force him to be in the position of making choicses.

Being bored is part of life.

I think the answer is very strict controls that he knows he can't override. Everything else needs to flow from that .

Is there an adventure playground or youth club nearby ? Tell him the days of hours on video games are over and it's now up to him to find solutions for his time. With your help.

He is only achild still. He needs you to set the boundaries so he can develop and grow in a healthy way. You can do this .