I feel like I have failed as a parent (Xbox related)

[pinksoda35]

My son is nearly 12 and just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, He will be starting medication soon.
He is becoming more and more shut off from our family life, choosing to spend all his time in his room on his Xbox/phone, If we did not intervene he would not leave his room and would be on the Xbox from morning till night, He has spent 6 plus hours on it with maybe the odd break to go on his phone and come out for food, I am feeling like I am failing now and that this isn't right and something I really want to get a handle on now, I admit we do let him spend more time on the Xbox because he is very hard work when he is made to come off and will then mope around and channel flick or ask me what he should do? most of the time he will cause an argument and say we are all kinds of rubbish parents/or wind his younger Brother up so in the end we send him back to his room/let him back on the Xbox-I KNOW this is not what we should be doing but we really are struggling to manage his behaviour and get him to want to do anything else.
He literally has no other interests and no longer want to come anywhere with us as a family,whether this be dog walks/lunch/day trips instead he kicks up a fuss and asks to stay at home, because he can be very hard to control if he doesn't want to be somewhere we have taken to leaving him at home for certain outings.
I have asked him to arrange to meet friends but he just says they dont want to go anywhere, we have offered to drive him to meet them etc...nothing gets arranged and he no longer wants to go to an after school club he did go too.
He is a friendly boy and has lots of friends in school-not so many outside of it, He seems happy but is completely obsessed with the Xbox and phone/internet.
I feel so sad and just need some advice please.
We are now going to enforce limits which we have tried in the past but I will admit after a while and some difficult behaviour from Son we relent and he ends up back on the Xbox again.
When someone literally has no interest in ANYTHING else and becomes upset/bored/frustrated/angry when we stop him what can be done???? He will then try his best to misbehave (or this is how it feels) so we give in...Things like rolling around on the floor with the dogs shouting silly things and not stopping when asked/rough playing with his young brother and not stopping when asked/shouting at us
Some of which could be ADHD related but I still need to know how best to deal with this instead of just relenting and letting him have his phone/go back on the Xbox.
Thanks in advance if anyone can offer some advice because it really is starting to worry and upset me and his dad.

I'm seeing a whole generation of boys who are very different to the last, and not in a good way

As a primary school teacher I can also say this. Sport and playing out are no longer interests for many boys. Lego and modelling kits aren’t played with. Junk modelling is seen as a school activity rather than something you might enjoy at home. The consoles are being played with at all hours of the day. Some of my class have had half an hour on them before coming to school, skipping breakfast. They’re not even that into collecting things any more. Focus and concentration is directed towards gaming and poor elsewhere. The levels of frustration they experience while playing many of these games are like nothing that a young mind would have had to deal with not that long ago. And then there’s the obesity...

I think others have said what I would have, it's an addiction which gobbles up all the time they should be spending learning, socialising and moving.

I work with pupils aged 11-14 and I see the struggles that many boys have with reading as it's not something they do for pleasure or leisure any longer. A statistic I came across recently was that many boys aren't improving their reading ages once they start at secondary school. If they start with a reading age between 9-11 (many do) then this quickly shows as they are unable to access the curriculum effectively as the textbooks are written for a higher level. It's a downward spiral after that.

My Ds is 22 and we were pretty draconian with him when he was younger. We only have a Tv in the lounge and he and his sister were first given a Wii when they were about 13 and 11 which stayed in the lounge. He got an 2nd hand x-box at about 17 and is now at Uni studying Computing and Games Design. He does spend time on it, but he also reads books, sees friends and goes out with us (he's autistic and doesn't do girls yet). I have no regrets.

Why does the xbox have to be in the room? Growing up we had a Megadrive but it was in the family room so a) when playing my brother and I were around other family members and b) we couldn't just play endlessly as the tv and room were used by other members of the family as well.

Reading your OP, it seems to me that the main problem is that the xbox is sometimes (often?) given as a 'reward' for bad behaviour. So that when he is off it, he has absolutely no incentive to behave well and interact with you - in fact the opposite. You need to set up the opposite association, when bad behaviour leads to removal of the xbox.

In this house, I don't set limits but I do ensure the DC are kept busy with other activities (sport, music etc) which provide natural limits. If he doesn't have other activities then I guess you do have to set limits. You say that he no longer wants to do an after school activity he used to enjoy - chances are that he would enjoy it still if he knew he wouldn't get to spend those 2 hours on the xbox instead. So tell him that he can give up the activity if he likes, but if he does, that is tech-free time.

Can you talk to him seriously about this? Rather than imposing limits arbitrarily, would you be able to engage him in a discussion of how much tech he thinks is acceptable?

I have a 12 year old with adhd. Hyper focus on console games is very common . Constant stimulation then reward keeps them plugged in.

I would move it to family area. Strict limits . This can be done a few ways . Through router. My own Ds is not allowed on weekdays unless he gets a merit in maths or English then earns an hour.

I have seen lists of things to do before allowed on x box. Play a game, read a chapter of a book, play outside for an hour.

Physical exercise is the best thing you can do whether it is a ball in the park, a trampoline , bike ride.

It is tough as while many 12 years can be exactly the same dealing with the meltdown can be much harder.

I do remember my Ds saying I am bored and him been absolutely shocked when I said great and told him it was an opportunity to learn how to occupy himself when bored.

I have a friend who if her dc says he is bored she gives him a job to do . He is now never bored.

I also have a friend who has technology free night where no one has phones Tv or games consoles . He said all the family look forward to that night.

My own son is now learning to cook with me . He is actually a great cook .

www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jun/22/nhs-internet-addiction-clinic-london-gaming-mental-health there is an NHS service working with this kind of issue. Maybe worth seeing if they have any advice or how to get a referral.

I'm also a teacher. Console addiction is a ticking time bomb on our society in my opinion. Children who play unregulated are unable to have positive conversations with each other at all. They constantly attack and mock each other verbally which mimics the narrative as they are playing the game. This is in addition to the lack of sleep, obsession, exclusion of all other activities which are important for development, violent and age inappropriate play, bullying online and withdrawal behaviours. My children watch too much TV but I think that's infinitely less damaging than the xbox.

OP I really sympathise as the social pressure is enormous. Your choices really are to remove the console completely or strictly ration his game play. Both will be difficult as it's so addictive. Alternatives could be sports, outdoor adventure type activities, trampoline Park, swimming, scouts etc. All of these cost money which is part of the issue for many parents. Good luck.

Are there any sports he is into? If so could you really up his involvement in those?

If not yet, could you find something that he could get into? Sailing is great (I'm biased) because they are out to sea for huge chunks of time! You could take him to Sea Cadets if you have a local one.

Or trampolining could be good- rebounding is sometimes used as therapy for ADHD.

I think him being out of the house much more on a schedule and him being more physically tired would work in your favour.

The only thing that worked well for us, is going out in the morning - sports, swimming, walks - as much fresh air as possible, and by going out and doing something constructive without complaint, a few chores in the house, they were then allowed screen time in the afternoon (limited)

You have to enforce this with real discipline until they get used to it.

They have to earn the screen time not the other way around.

Screen time makes most children's behaviour worse, so you could be in a cycle op. At the moment you are relying on that to keep in quiet, and manageable, but it could also be making his behaviour much worse when he is not using it.

So draw up a plan with him, asking him to contribute what activities and sports he would like to do, if he offers no ideas then you choose for him. Make it clear this is the way it is going to be from now on. Start this weekend. Up and out in the morning try and include lunch, relax in the afternoon. I would also cap the afternoon sessions.

You need to find something he is comfortable and happy with. Something he gets enjoyment from

Like playing on his xbox

FWIW I am 35. As a kid I used to be on the mega drive as much as possible- obvs not online.
I would play online PC games down the modem a lot.
I also went out, or played together with friends.
I also have lots of gamer dad friends whose kids manage to mix playing with socialising and sports. Occasional arguments but like you have about anything.

I think the phone and xbox being in the room are the biggest concerns. You've gone to long now so it will be hard but a balance can be reached! You need to swing too far the other way first I think.

You're doing the right thing but it'll be hard

Can you have a family meeting and discuss it with him. Say what you want and expect. Ask him how he sees things, what he wants to do etc. Get it all open for discussion. Then thrash it all out and see how it works for a while. We've 4 kids 10 13 13 14. Rules really work, we've been adding them back into life with excellent result for all.

We/They won't allow anyone phones at meals. Unless you are alone at table. I'm the one that finds this hardest.

Everyone sits down to meals together apart from breakfast.

No one can start eating til everyone's at the table with their food.

No one leaves the table til we've all finished. This is the time for talking and discussion.

Everyone clears up until the kitchen is in per-meal prep condition. Surfaces wiped etc.

If I ask everyone does meal prep. Some times I prefer to do it alone.

Shoes coats bags have their place. If they're in the wrong place back you come to sort it.

We all fold and sort washing together. Last one puts the machine on.

This kind of stuff needs to be bashed out as a family. 12 is a key time for learning life skills.

We have had exactly the same issue with our DC. Our 13 year old had mild asd and is extremely attached to his Xbox. We now are very strict with it. 3 hours a week (an hour Friday, sat, sun). if he kicks off about coming off it he loses it the next day. we also put it away for a month (and his phone). 100% get it out of his room.

At this moment he is outside helping his Dad in the Garden,Then we will go out for lunch, I like the advice of getting him helping out more around the house and trying to do things in the morning leaving the afternoon free for his time on the Xbox..
I have had a chat with him and he just says that being allowed on the Xbox with no limits is what all his friends do so why can't he?
I have explained it is because he wants to do NOTHING else and he needs to have other interests and time spent away from his screens.
He used to enjoy reading and drawing so hopefully we can get those interests back.
Thank you again all those who replied.

Sounds exactly like my 10 year old DS, his life revolves around when he can play it next. It's an addiction. He does all the things you'd DS does when we tell him he can't go on it or we are going out. He doesn't have ADHD though. Most of his friend are the same, I hear a lot of them doing the same to their parents over the headset. You are not failing as a parent!

Have a look at the Koala box

Fix it to you internet

It allows you to limit their time, switches to homework mode so they can access education sites, you can add more time for good behaviour, you can switch it if via a big red button

Each person is allowed their own access - you can block individual social media sites, you can include ones that are automatically blocked (like Superdrug!)

You sky box can have 24 hour access same as your phone etc

Best £70 I’ve spent!!

It is everything that is wrong with the younger generation, walking zombies.
Although my DC have access to so much knowledge it is fryer their brain.
It is mainly the parents fault allowing them have so much time on it to begin with, feeding their addiction.
I was guilty of screen time babysitting, there is a big difference in DD already from taking control.
ADD or not as a parent we need to stop it, there DC will be completely fucked as they see it as normal.

Is he into any sport? My cousin has adhd and used to obsessively play video games to help switch his brain off. He found sport and exercise incredibly helpful.

My son is ASD & at 12 was the same, on his Xbox every waking hour when he wasn't at school. He is 15 now & without me forcing him he hardly goes on the Xbox, he has made friends, goes out, reads & does other things. I honestly think it's an age thing & it will change as he gets older.

If it's in the bedroom while work is being done could you take the plunge and just unplug it and remove it?

We have no Xbox Mon - Fri and it's limited during the weekend. I'm not saying it's a popular decision but it is what is in place and it is stuck to. The only flexibility is maybe as a reward to use it midweek if had some amazing feedback from school, so the incentive to do well at school is there.

DC is Yr5 at primary. No Fortnite at all-in the house. Complete crap that teachers have admitted is a pain, and obvious behaviour issues amongst children in class because of it.

Every boy I know plays x box a lot. My 2 are quite addicted. They would play it all day if we let them. And we are too lapse. I know they play too much. Hours and hours. I know my parenting is lax.

There are no easy answers.

My husband is stricter than me and gives them a warning to tell them that they've had enough and yo turn it off. But we try to have rules.

All homework has to be done. All jobs/household tasks (Ds1 has to clean the bathroom on a Saturday morning) have to be done.

They both play football 3 times a week, and Ds1 goes jogging or to the gym. Ds2 plays dodgeball.

I make them come shopping with me, help me hang out the washing. I just make them.

There is no easy answer other than having time limits and making him engage in other things.

Maybe give him the choice? Some control? :

"You can have 3 hours on Saturday and 3 hours on Sunday. How you use those hours is up to you, 10am-1pm, or 2-3pm and then say 7-9pm, but once it's gone, it's gone" ?

What games does he play? Are there other activities connected to the game or characters? My daughter is a Nintento girl and loves Pokemon games - but also loves to read Pokemon Manga books, collects the cards, has done Pokemon Go a few times, we have Pokemon Monopoly etc. Can you take his X box obsession and adapt it some how.

These things won't change as they get older. It's ingrained behaviour. Even if they get jobs they're spare time will be focused on gaming. DP is 37 he grew up and play stations, it caused many issues when we had DC. I believe it has effected his chances of growing in life.
He still plays it, not so much, when a big game like call of duty comes up, it changes him, he gets agitated he can't put hours in, he stays up late effecting his proformance in work.
I don't think it is a good enough to say DC spend hours on it, they wouldn't if they were stopped.
Then there is obesity crisis linked to gaming. We will be a funny looking race in the future, crunched over, and obese.

Our console is in the lounge, so very difficult for it to be played on for any length of time without someone spotting. However our consoles don't have any parental controls and neither does our router. We would buy a router than does allow us to restrict device assess if we need to in the future. This might be something you want to look into.

We do however use Qustodio to limit iPads and phones. You can set up access times, access duration and limit websites. It simply goes off when the time is up. It saves me having to nag or actually get the device off DD.

We sat down and discussed suitable times of day (all devices are off before school and go off at bedtime) and DD can earn extra device or TV time by doing jobs and extra reading.

DD doesn't have ADHD though and she's a fair bit younger (we implemented our technology rules while she was young enough to go along with it in the hope it would be accepted when she is older).