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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding and new baby

59 replies

nononononononoyes · 27/04/2019 17:19

Hi all! After a couple of bits of advice if possible please :-)

Dh and I have been invited to a wedding in June. I'm due our first baby 12th May so realistically baby will be about 4/5 weeks old. We have been invited to the whole day. Originally we thought we were just going to be invited to the evening as although the couple are our friends they are not close close friends who we see on a regular basis. Very happy we have been invited to the full day 😊 when we thought it was just the evening we discussed it together and I said dh could just go on his own (he has known the groom since childhood but we are all now friends) then come home or stay at a hotel, the venue is about 45 mins from our house and I'll be ebf (hopefully!) and I also don't think I'll be ready to leave baby with anyone that soon.

Anyway! Now we have been invited to the day I am not really sure what to do. My first thought was fine we will all go, I'll obviously leave ceremony etc if baby is fussing/awake and then we will stay at the venue on the night so I can take baby up to bed while dh stays to party 🥳.

However two things!

  1. baby is not mentioned on invite- it says mr and mrs nonononoyes. I think this is because she isn't born so obviously it's a bit daft to put plus unborn child 😂 but don't want to be cheeky by presuming it's okay to bring her? Is it okay to drop a quick text to the bride asking if babies are okay to come? Or will I end up on a thread here?

And 2) dh thinks taking a 4/5 week old baby to a full day wedding will be a disaster. I think she will probably sleep through most of it but haven't had a baby before so wanted some opinions :-) also if we have booked a room at the venue it means I can escape with her if/when she needs changing/feeding etc or is crying too much.

Any opinions would be great but please don't flame me too much 🙈 I know wedding threads tend to be heated! I'm not daft enough to just presume it's okay to bring baby and I'm also not the type to sit and let baby scream during the couples special moments :-)

OP posts:
WoodyOak · 27/04/2019 17:26

It would be polite to send a message and I hope the bride says of course you can take your baby. I wouldn't leave my newborn for a day even if I wasn't breastfeeding. Newborns sleep loads so take your pram and I'm sure it'll be fine. Booking a room at the venue is a good idea if you can.

I'm pretty pro babies and children at events though! I had loads of children (including a tiny baby and two year twins) at my own wedding and I hardly noticed them except to think they looked cure in their outfits!

Drum2018 · 27/04/2019 17:27

I'd decline simply as you are not close friends so you probably won't even be missed. I'd never ask to bring a child, no matter what age it was, to anyone's wedding. Your circumstances more or less prevent both of you from going - not the bride/grooms issue. If they come back and say to bring baby then so be it but otherwise I wouldn't push to go. Could Dh go alone?

Bambamber · 27/04/2019 17:27

I would absolutely drop a text and double check to see if the baby can come. As you say, it would be a bit weird to write unborn baby on the invite too.

I think it's pot luck with newborns. You may get a colicky baby the cries a lot, or you may get a baby the sleeps half the day. But as you've got the hotel room, you can just use it anytime you need to.

Just be warned that if you are breastfeeding, the baby will possibly be cluster feeding at this stage. I would highly recommend a sling, that way baby can stay attached while being discrete

Merryoldgoat · 27/04/2019 17:29

I think it’s fine to check baby is invited.

I took my 3 month old to a wedding and he was absolutely fine all day, slept a bit, looked cute in pictures etc, but the day wasn’t much fun if I’m honest. I’d probably let DH go alone. Also, you have no idea how you’ll feel 4/5 weeks pp. If baby is late and you have a CS you could be 2/3 weeks post op and I’d have cried if you told me I had to go out.

MrsPandigital · 27/04/2019 17:30

Definitely ask about the baby.... Some people don't want children at their wedding.

MsVestibule · 27/04/2019 17:31

I think young babies are always fine to bring anywhere, even to child free weddings. (Mobile babies are a different matter!) Perhaps you could ask her, just reiterating what you've said here about taking your baby out if she cries. They can say yes or no, but I highly doubt they'll think you're being cheeky.

Regarding the feasibility of taking a baby out for the day when they're so young, you should be OK (we took ours to Australia for a wedding when he was 3mo) but obviously that is very dependent on the type of baby you get! Most would be OK.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 27/04/2019 17:31

If you are due 12 May, the baby is due any time now - of even a couple of weeks past that date - you might not want to go

bridgetreilly · 27/04/2019 17:32

I basically think tiny babies don't count as wedding guests. The baby is more or less just an extension of you at that point. So yes, polite to explain the situation but it would be an incredibly rude bride/groom to refuse a newborn. And then plan to go, but expect to have to be flexible about how the day goes. If you've got a room at the venue, that gives you freedom to take an hour or two out if you want a nap (and the baby does!)

abcriskringle · 27/04/2019 17:33

Definitely check with the bride - my friend was livid when a guest brought a newborn to her wedding (in fairness she's had a baby now and 'gets it' but I remember on the day she was pretty annoyed!). Also I still felt shit 4 weeks pp after a traumatic birth so I'd be hesitant to accept but lots of people are fine so it's a tough one to call.

outsho · 27/04/2019 17:33

I’d personally let DH go alone but it’s obviously entirely up to you.

The newborn days are always a bit of a haze. They do sleep a lot but it tends to be for 2-3 hours until they need a change and feed. When they’re tiny, breastfed babies tend to feed for a very long time as well so it’s all quite exhausting. Hopefully your birth goes ok but many women aren’t feeling themselves so soon after birth either.

I suppose it may be worthwhile dropping a text to ask if baby is allowed. If they say yes then just see how you feel about it once the baby is actually here.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 27/04/2019 17:34

Just taken a 5mo to a wedding all day and it went much smoother than I expected, but we had a room on standby. Baby was specifically invited though by groom and bride, despite me having my mother and in-laws on standby to have baby in my hotel room for me.
The wedding wasn’t much fun with a baby though as I was carrying loads of baby junk, constantly worried about ill timed crying and I didn’t drink due to breastfeeding. But the couple are close friends through husband so appreciated us being there. If it was an option I’d have sent husband on his own.

NewBeds · 27/04/2019 17:35

Took my then 4 week old to a wedding and it was absolutely fine! He slept most of the time. I fed him and he was a good excuse to leave early although he joined in the the ceilidh Grin. Have a really lovely photo of the bride holding him.

Obviously he was included on the invite.

Jackiebrambles · 27/04/2019 17:36

I'd definitely text the bride (or get your husband to text his mate) to check about whether it's ok to bring your newborn.

I had a child free wedding but my friend had a two month old and she messaged me asking if it was ok to bring him, which of course it was as he was much to little to be left.

Do bear in mind you could give birth late though, and you might need a c-section. So would you want to go to an all day wedding/dress up?? But if you have a hotel room that's great as you can dip in and out when you need too!

MoreCookiesPlease · 27/04/2019 17:36
  1. Yes, it would be ok to text the bride and ask.
  2. I've done it with a small baby and stayed at the venue. It was fine.
NewBeds · 27/04/2019 17:37

It don't do as I did and wear a non breastfeeding friendly dress. New-mum error!!

Littleloafofbread · 27/04/2019 17:37

We took DC1 to a wedding at 4 weeks and had a hotel room at the reception venue. I could sneak off to feed whenever needed, and had a lovely day.

Holidayshopping · 27/04/2019 17:39

We were invited to a wedding 3 weeks after my due date-we declined and I’m so glad we did.

DD was as good as gold but I was still bleeding quite heavily, leaking milk everywhere and didn’t fit into any of my clothes!!

Original poster
nononononononoyes · 27/04/2019 17:42

Oh dear mixed opinions haha 🤦🏻‍♀️
I know some people have a child free wedding but this is definitely not the case for this wedding. I spoke to the bride last week (before we got our invite) and I know another friend is bringing her (will be) 2 month old. I just don't want to presume ours is allowed.

You've all given me a lot to think about in terms of what if baby is late etc and I see that not everyone would think it was okay to bring baby. Maybe it is best if dh goes alone as we originally discussed!

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/04/2019 17:43

At that age they mainly sleep and feed, most colicky crying is in the evening so you're unlikely to ruin the ceremony.

If the baby is overdue though and you have a difficult birth it might be uncomfortable for you though, I was still regularly wetting myself from tears after 3 / 4 weeks and didn't really want to be around anyone who wasn't family

We were invited to a wedding 2 weeks after the due date of my second. I knew I was unlikely to be able to face it (and I was right, and the baby was a few days late) so my husband explained and asked if he could just go himself, in the evening.

Mooey89 · 27/04/2019 17:47

I took my DS to a wedding when he was 6 weeks, he was fine!
My friend also brought her new baby to my wedding and it was lovely.
Take her, make sure you have a room you can go to if you need a rest/want to feed in the quiet and have a great time! You won’t be short of people to hold her! 😂

user1474894224 · 27/04/2019 17:47

If it was close family/friend I would say definitely do it. As a not close friend I would let DH go alone. You don't know how you will be...the idea of a hotel stay with DS1 at 4 weeks old would have filled me with horror. (Although we did take DS3 to a grown up wedding about 3 months old and it was fine. But we knew more about kids by then!).

Obsidian77 · 27/04/2019 17:52

Since they're not close friends, I'd be inclined to suggest to the happy couple that you give it a miss and have your DH go alone.
If they really want you and baby to be there and you do go, sit right at the back (get the bride and groom to have an usher save space for you) so you can pop out if baby cries.
Bear in mind you'll be exhausted, you won't feel glamorous and might be leaking milk, still bleeding, be recovering from a tear or CS.
You might have a very calm baby who's an excellent sleeper. But you might not... in which case the whole thing is a bit of an ordeal for you and doesn't add to everyone else's enjoyment.

hellotoyellow · 27/04/2019 17:53

I'm going to one as bridesmaid 6.5 weeks after my EDD although with the difference that I know I'm being induced at 39 weeks if he's not born. I am dreading it to be honest - it's a child free wedding apart from my baby, there's no accomodation on site (restaurant) and I have no idea what he will be like or what I'll be able to wear. And I feel enormous now at 34/40. Luckily the bride is not putting much pressure on about the dress but her colour isn't easy to get...

I think it's just something I have to get through and if it's too much I'm only half an hour from home (central London) and have booked a hotel room in case. Also think baby might be minor celebrity with bride's mum etc....

So OP you're not alone at least! I figure may as well try...

Tavannach · 27/04/2019 17:53

Asking her if the baby can come and having a room at the venue you can escape to if need be seems totally sensible and the best solution to me. But if the baby is very young you might not want to go so maybe best to ask her if you can be a 'probable' not a 'definite'. Your DH should go obvs.

GiBlues · 27/04/2019 18:00

We took ds who was 5 weeks old to an all day wedding. We took the prom and he slept for most of it and only woke to be fed and changed. Really it was no bother at all. But I would check with the bride and groom to see if the invite is extended to baby too