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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think teaching your LO to self soothe is akin to torture?

57 replies

user1494599350 · 27/04/2019 08:42

For us as parents really, although for LO in a way as well!

I know it's an important lesson and will help everyone in the long run but honestly, it's breaking me and I'm only on day 6. Think I might start taking a hip flask to bed Wine

LG doesn't cry very much but is very unsettled in the night and looking for attention. Lying there listening to her and not being able to sleep myself - that's the torture right there.

Good job she's cute.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 27/04/2019 08:44

How old are they? She will learn eventually; you could just give her a cuddle.

MaryH90 · 27/04/2019 08:54

Have you tried offering alternative comforters? My DD (2) has a dummy and was heartbroken when we weaned her off it for bed. She didn’t know how to comfort herself and cried most nights so we offered teddies. She now happily sleeps cuddling one or two a night

hiddenmnetter · 27/04/2019 08:54

How old is your baby and how are they eating? The biggest factor is them being old enough and big enough to be able to eat and drink enough to keep them satiated during the night.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 27/04/2019 08:56

In what respect is this "teaching" her to self soothe? Genuine question - the phrase "teaching" implies that you show her how to do something, this more seems like "expecting her to work it out for herself".

popehilarious · 27/04/2019 08:57

If you're properly teaching your child to be able to sleep well, then that's a good thing. If you're just ignoring them then it's probably not going to work well. Are you following a particular method? It needs to be consistent, in my experience. Also personally i wouldn't bother if they're younger than 1 yo, although babies vary!

popehilarious · 27/04/2019 08:58

I hated sleep training my second dc but it pretty much worked after 1 night.

MRex · 27/04/2019 08:59

You've made the choice, so it's fine for you, you can feel sorry for your little girl if she's struggling but it's immensely hypocritical to feel sorry for yourself. If you don't like it then don't do it, it's hardly necessary as children learn to settle when they're ready anyway.

missyB1 · 27/04/2019 08:59

Have you seen an improvement since the first night you started? Do you feel like it’s working? It is very hard I remember it well! Luckily for us it only took 4 nights and we saw a definite improvement each night of that.

Original poster
user1494599350 · 27/04/2019 09:00

LG is nearly 4 months and just on milk atm.

She doesn't get ignored- she gets tucked in and her white noise machine turned on, then we see if she settles after that but usually not. We only do this when we know she's been fed, changed etc.

She's very good at going to sleep in the day by herself with little intervention.

OP posts:
MRex · 27/04/2019 09:05

Only 4 months!!! That's far too young for any form of sleep training, please speak to your health visitor as they can really help with what's appropriate at different ages. What on earth have you been reading to make you think that a 4 month old can look after themselves?

WhiskersPete · 27/04/2019 09:06

She is 4 months old. There is a reason that it is torture for you to listen to. Evolution has meant that she cries for you when she needs you and you respond to her cries. Your poor baby.

JacquesHammer · 27/04/2019 09:08

She’s 4 months, it’s ok if she doesn’t self settle!

Give yourself - and most importantly her - a break!!

WhiteDust · 27/04/2019 09:08

4 months old?
FGS, Get out of bed and soothe your baby.

WhiskersPete · 27/04/2019 09:10

although for LO in a way as well!

In a way!? Are you kidding me? You are your baby will think you’re not coming back. They don’t get object permanence until much later. They think you’ve abandoned them but you’re worried that it’s torture for you?

user1480880826 · 27/04/2019 09:14

Your poor baby. She’s only just out of the 4th trimester and you’re treating her like she needs to find her independence.

HumpHumpWhale · 27/04/2019 09:17

Oh my god. 4 months. That is akin to torture, yes. For her. I feel sick. I don't know why I read this. I wish I hadn't. That poor innocent baby.

hiddenmnetter · 27/04/2019 09:21

4 months is just a bit young, although it can be done (it will take longer). The bigger problem is that they’re not on solids. Start to wean them now so that at 5-6 months they’re actually in a suitable place.

It took 2 days to sleep train both our daughters at 6 months. Both weaned at 4 months (combination solids and milk) so that by 6 months they were having 3 good meals/day and then lots of milk before bed. Generally a milk only fed child will sleep no more than 6 hours before they’re hungry (and often more like 3 or 4).

Yabbers · 27/04/2019 09:24

OP. This was not the place to post. You will get shredded for daring not to run to LO at the littlest whimper. You will be accused of abuse and it won’t make your sleep training journey any easier. All of it will be a load of nonsense but it will make you feel worse.

I’d have it moved. Unless of course you wanted just to do a goady thread about sleep training.

Thesearmsofmine · 27/04/2019 09:26

I think this is a goady thread. Nobody is stupid enough to think a 4 month old is crying for attention in the way the OP means.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 27/04/2019 09:27

I think it depends what they were like as a newborn. From my own experience if they had awake time in their Moses basket and put in there awake, not rocked or cuddled to sleep then they take to it more and it's easier.
But all babies are different and their sleep patterns can change all the time. I've always just gone along with what they wanted. If you chill out it all evens out soon enough.

Kungfupanda67 · 27/04/2019 09:30

Oh my god. 4 months. That is akin to torture, yes. For her. I feel sick. I don't know why I read this. I wish I hadn't. That poor innocent baby.

Omg overreaction much 😂 that poor innocent baby not being picked up the second she makes a sound (the op has said the baby isn’t crying, just making noises). How do second and third babies cope when they can’t be immediately picked up?!

At this age op you’re doing alright just giving her the chance to fall asleep on her own. My youngest is a similar age, she is put to bed awake and will mostly go to sleep on her own, if she doesn’t I will let her whinge for a few minutes if it’s a tired cry (which it usually is). If she’s still upset after a couple of minutes I’ll go and feed her to sleep.

LegoCake · 27/04/2019 09:31

You can't "teach" a 4 mo baby! See PP above about object permanence. Go and give her a cuddle!

Hexagonwitch · 27/04/2019 09:31

I am a huge fan of sleep training but that's way too young to sleep train.

oneforthepain · 27/04/2019 09:32

You are trying to "teach" a four month old baby to self soothe?

You do understand that the foundation necessary for any human to learn to self soothe is first to have a bedrock of reliable experiences of being soothed by their care givers?

The way you teach a baby to self soothe is by soothing them yourself so they learn what that is like, how it feels, that it's safe etc etc. Not by neglecting them. Are you trying to create lifelong attachment problems?

olderthanyouthink · 27/04/2019 09:34

object permanence is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be perceived (seen, heard, touched, smelled or sensed in any way).

If she can't see you you have ceased to exist and that is deeply upsetting for her! She'll cry because she needs you there.

Babies don't seem to get Object Permanence until 8 months but I think sleep training can be done a bit earlier.