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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think teaching your LO to self soothe is akin to torture?

57 replies

user1494599350 · 27/04/2019 08:42

For us as parents really, although for LO in a way as well!

I know it's an important lesson and will help everyone in the long run but honestly, it's breaking me and I'm only on day 6. Think I might start taking a hip flask to bed Wine

LG doesn't cry very much but is very unsettled in the night and looking for attention. Lying there listening to her and not being able to sleep myself - that's the torture right there.

Good job she's cute.

OP posts:
popehilarious · 27/04/2019 09:56

4 months is too young, you're wasting your time. I'm sorry to say you have a couple of sleep regressions ahead of you!

RandomlyChosenName · 27/04/2019 09:56

So what exactly is happening? You are putting your baby down to sleep and then what? She's gurgling a bit? Making a few noises? Making upset noises? Crying?

Then what happens? You leave her for hours awake and crying? Or she gurgles for 2 mins and then falls asleep?

There are lots of scenarios here. Some bad, some fine.

Original poster
user1494599350 · 27/04/2019 10:08

Baby doesnt cry. She is awake. Just noisy in terms of gurgles and grunts.

She has been changed, fed and had a cuddle before going back in her cot.

I don't leave her to cry, as I don't like the cry it out thing.

I'm not a monster as some people are making me out to be.

Hmm
OP posts:
Chippychipsforme · 27/04/2019 10:10

"looking for attention" - she's not old enough to be manipulative. She wants you, even if it's just for comfort. She's only little, it's a time of real development and there's a common sleep regression/leap at 4 months. You're wasting your time and putting your child through distress for zero outcome.

MabelMoo23 · 27/04/2019 10:13

4 months!! Pick your baby up!!

That aside, SIDS guidelines state babies shouldn’t sleep by themselves until 6 months - and that includes all naps.

And before everyone piles in saying “my baby was fine” - well everyone is fine until they aren’t. And actually now for the first time in years, SIDS incidents are on the rise.

So the guidelines for safer sleep are there for a reason

Hexagonwitch · 27/04/2019 10:13

Well if she's not crying how is it akin to torture Confused

blackcat86 · 27/04/2019 10:15

You know your baby best. We do practice self soothing with DD and always have but never CIO which is very different and gives negative associations with sleep and the cot. You can however see if she resettles if shes awake and chatting or having a little grizzle. You should not be laying there listening to her scream for a protracted time.

Jinglejanglefish · 27/04/2019 10:15

Why are you doing it in the first place?

blackcat86 · 27/04/2019 10:17

Sorry I dont understand? If shes just grunting in her cot then why is it torture? You're either majorly backtracking or have created a really goady thread that is actually quite offensive to parents who use self soothing properly

Langrish · 27/04/2019 10:17

4 months is too young, your expectations are completely unreasonable.

Original poster
user1494599350 · 27/04/2019 10:20

Not a goady thread- just a tired FTM.

She is too noisy for me to sleep so I am awake until she decides to sleep or I give her a cuddle (if been noisy for more than 10 mins.

She sleeps in our room, not her own.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1494599350 · 27/04/2019 10:21

Clearly my expectations are a bit too out there at the minute - so a simple "4 months is too young, try again in a couple of months" probably would have sufficed instead of shouting neglect.

I'll try more seriously when she's a bit older.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 27/04/2019 10:31

If your baby is happy you don’t need to pick her up. DS was a very noisy baby in respect of grunting etc. He also took ages to go to sleep (still does as a teenager). We used to faff about trying to get him to sleep when we put him in his cot, but found that this was more stressful for him (and us). If your baby is content but awake, it’s fine to not pick her up but sit quietly by her. But if she is not content then you need to soothe her.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 27/04/2019 10:34

Agree 4 months is too early for sleep training, but I'm just posting to say I know how difficult it is. Our DS didnt sleep longer than 3 hours in one go till after we sleep trained at 6 months. And 3 hours was very rare, it was more likely every 45 min. We didn't want to sleep train, but we tried everything else and were desperate.

Sleep deprivation is horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, I really feel for you.

Ninkaninus · 27/04/2019 10:34

You’re fine. If she’s happy and content then there is nothing wrong with encouraging her to self soothe at this age.

happymummy12345 · 27/04/2019 10:43

I don't think it's like torture at all. I've always allowed my son up to 10 minutes to settle down on his own.
When he was very small he would fall asleep while having his bottle so was asleep before we put him down anyway.
But when he got older we always put him down and left him for up to 10 minutes to settle himself. If there was nothing wrong he would settle and be asleep within that time. Yes he may have a little moan or cry, but not for long at all. I never had any issue with it. It's hardly torture, how over the top is that?
He self settled from birth and slept through from 3 months. No sleep aids and definitely no awful dummy, I hate them and would make them illegal if I could. It done him no harm at all.

Tink88 · 27/04/2019 10:45

Leaving a baby to cry for 10 minutes, self sooth from birth and make dummies illegal. 🙄 I’ve heard it all now.

Sickandsurprised2019 · 27/04/2019 11:02

If she's grunting or babbling to herself that's a good sign. She may not be asleep but she's not crying out for anything. Most babies don't go from semi asleep or awake to fast asleep in a minute anyway. Most adults take a few minutes to settle in bed, relax and fall asleep.

What is making it torturous? If she's ok, just let her chill to sleep. She's not crying, she's settling herself with noise to relax.

outsho · 27/04/2019 11:15

Babies cannot ‘attention seek’. If they are making noises, it’s for a reason. They’re either overtired/stimulated, hungry, in pain, uncomfortable in some way (I.e nappy needs changing) or they simply want to feel loved, warm and cosy. They do not have the emotional capacity to make sounds purely to grab your attention.

Please don’t attempt to ‘sleep train’ a young baby, it won’t work. The only reason the CIO method works is because the baby tires themselves out crying and they realise no one will come Sad. It really upsets me to think of babies in distress.

Lazypuppy · 27/04/2019 11:24

@m4rdybum

Every baby is different, she isn't too young.

I did sleep training with my LO at 3 months and took about 4 days. We did it as we moved her into her own room.

I don't think it is like torture, if you know they are safe, clean and fed they will go to sleep.

My dd now plays happily in her cot before bed and naps. Plays with soft toys for 20mins then goes to sleep by herself

Celebelly · 27/04/2019 11:33

Well this thread is a bit batshit. OP specifically said she wasn't crying, so not sure why the 'omg it's neglect' brigade got alertedHmm

Anyway, DD is 11 weeks and she sometimes babbles away to herself in her crib before falling asleep. If she's not upset or crying then I just let her chat away until she nods off. I go up to bed early with her so it doesn't keep me awake - I just read a book or watch TV quietly and by the time I am ready for sleep she is fast asleep and blessedly quiet! Maybe she's going to bed too late if she's stopping you being able to sleep?

ethelfleda · 27/04/2019 11:36

4 months old?
FGS, Get out of bed and soothe your baby

This! I mean seriously, what the hell are you doing OP??

Celebelly · 27/04/2019 11:38

Also at this stage, sleep is still a really random thing and heavily luck-based as to whether you have a good sleeper or not. DD has been excellent since birth - she woke up three hourly the first few weeks and from about six weeks on goes about 7-9 hours in one stretch. But it's nothing I've done. She's just done that herself.

If your LO still needs settled or cuddles to sleep then that's perfectly fine, there's no need to deny them just because you think you're 'making a rod for your own back', a phrase much beloved on parenting websites. If she will settle back down with some patting and cuddling then I'd just keep at it for now, so you both get some rest! The time for sleep training, if needed, will come later.

HarryElephante · 27/04/2019 11:39

I know it's an important lesson

What lesson is a 6 month old learning?

ineedaholidaynow · 27/04/2019 11:55

So do some PP rush to pick up their baby as soon as it makes any noise, whether it be a cry or a contented gurgle, and do they never put their baby down unless they are fast asleep?

Maybe I am reading the OP wrong but it doesn't sound as if the baby is distressed, just noisy. In this scenario why is it neglect if the OP doesn't immediately pick up the baby?