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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be suspicious of DP and colleague?

58 replies

HormonalH · 26/04/2019 18:43

NC for obvious reasons and apologies in advance for a long post but wanted to make sure I provide all the information.

So DP recently mentioned, in passing, a female colleague a few weeks ago, this was interesting as DPs industry is primarily male dominated.

A few days ago, our LG wasn’t very well and needed to go to the doctors so I texted DP asking him to be home on time to accompany us. DP has no problem with this and comes home. Afterwards he explains that he feels bad for leaving a colleague who needed his help.

He explained that the female colleague needed his help with some manual labour as she was too ‘tiny’ to do it and she’d asked if he could help. Fair enough, DP is a team player and always helpful.

Today, DP mentioned he needed to go to a night out for a colleague of his that is leaving their department, he explained he had completely forgot but that he wouldn’t be home late so as to help with our newborn LG. He says it’s local and his boss is going to call with the details.

queue phonecall, however, I can hear the voice on the phone is female and definitely not DPs boss. After the call has ended i asked DP who it was and he explained it was his female colleague and that the night out is no longer local, instead about an hour away.

I say I’d prefer if he stayed to help with LG and asked colleagues name. He supplied first name only. I said what about second name to which he replied ‘I don’t know’.

I said ‘ooh are you going on a date with a pretty lady?’ Completely joking and he laughed saying no. I said is she pretty though and his face faltered, I pushed, and he replied she’s ‘average’. Now, I know I shouldn’t have pushed for more info but did and then pushed for her surname which he found for me.

After searching for her on Social Media I found her Instagram and realised DP follows her, so most definitely does know her surname.

Asked him about this and he had no response. I carried on with I know you think she’s pretty and that’s ok, I know you too well for you to lie so why lie about the surname? He mumbled and wasn’t sure what to say.

I left it at that but he’s suddenly become very clingy. I’m a little off as although it’s fine for him to find other girls pretty, I’m still a little hormonal from having a baby and my body is still s little battered, so it does make me a little sad.

AIBU to be suspicious? Please help, I’m a little hormonal and my self esteem isn’t great right now.

Please no suggestions that DP is cheating as I know he would never do that to me.

And a medal to anyone who made it to the end of the thread! Star

OP posts:
Usernumbers1234 · 26/04/2019 18:46

If he’s “never going to cheat on you”, what is there to be suspicious about

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/04/2019 18:46

Suspicious of what? If you know he would never cheat why are you suspicious

covetingthepreciousthings · 26/04/2019 18:47

Please no suggestions that DP is cheating as I know he would never do that to me.

Not sure what you're suspicious about if this is the case?

Aimily · 26/04/2019 18:49

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time. It's a team night out and she called with the details rather than the boss.
Everything else you mentioned if just general work stuff and you've logic'ed it yourself and also acknowledged you're hormonal atm, if you're like me here anything will set you spinning.

Let him have this night out, if you trust him I'm sure you've nothing to worry about.

Myworstnightmare123 · 26/04/2019 18:54

Please no suggestions that DP is cheating as I know he would never do that to me

The boards are rammed with women who also believed that.
You need to decide where you sit. I agree with PP..... why post if you trust him 100%

Original poster
HormonalH · 26/04/2019 18:56

Thanks for the replies!

You’re all totally right, I think it’s the hormones! I agree now, silly post. He wouldn’t cheat so will just put this down to me being extra sensitive.

OP posts:
acomingin · 26/04/2019 18:57

He's laying the trail for a possible affair.

0nTheEdge · 26/04/2019 18:58

It sounds like he probably fancies her and it's not great he's trying to spend more time with her. Not saying he's cheating, but it could go that way. He's probably getting clingy as he got carried away and now feels guilty. It's a bit classic for men to go looking for attention when baby comes along to take yours away from them. Maybe a good chat would be good.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 26/04/2019 18:59

I think you've gone too far because he offered to help a female colleague, but didn't came home to go to the doctor instead, and she called him to update details about work do. You social media stalked her then interrogated him about who he follows on social media, and whether or not she's pretty, it's obviously upset him as he's become clingy around you , probably to reassure you. If you were male and did that you'd be called all sorts on here. As it is you say he'd never cheat, so why can't he have a female friend?

lovinglifexo · 26/04/2019 18:59

you really shouldn’t have kept pressing it. I get you’ve had a baby but it just makes u look insecure.

you had no real reason to ask if she was pretty or joke about them being on a date or even to be bothered if he was with a female.

there are so many females. seems obvious but that means you can’t get concerned every time there’s a female.

let it go

foodiefil · 26/04/2019 18:59

What @0nTheEdge said

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 26/04/2019 19:01

Op you sound very paranoid. Nothing in what you have said suggests anything dodgy, but you badgered him for details and stalked her social media.
Is there another reason to be so worried?

GirlcalledJack · 26/04/2019 19:02

So what do you want from this thread OP?

If you’re absolutely sure he would never cheat on you then there isn’t a problem is there?

It’s ok for people to find other people attractive, that’s life and human nature. It’s not fine if it gets pushed over the boundary of emotional or physical affairs.

You sound jealous which again is an ok emotion to feel with having just had a baby and your DH finding this work colleague attractive and fun, I would feel that way too. I would also be doing a big more digging and keeping an eye on things but that’s because I don’t believe anyone is completely immune to having an affair.

Treacletoots · 26/04/2019 19:07

Hmm. I'm one of those women who genuinely believed that he would never cheat. 2 years later he was screwing a transvestite and lying through his back teeth...

I think a frank conversation is required. Ie. If you even think about it, I'll chop your balls off or similar. But also the reality of what it will do to his family if he does. Also that you're now on high alert and won't be fed bullshit anymore.

The fact he's already lied shows he can, and is either trying to hide something or feels guilty or both.

Springwalk · 26/04/2019 19:20

If he is lying about nights out, not knowing her surname then I am not sure why you would trust him? Why? What reason has given you so far to think for a minute that this is just all completely innocent?

He is lying
Looking shifty
Becoming clingy

And yet you still think he would never cheat? I think that is called head in the proverbial sand.

LillithsFamiliar · 26/04/2019 19:20

Pretending not to know her surname was odd but I wouldn't be worried about any of the rest of it.

PicsInRed · 26/04/2019 19:30

Sorry OP but his squirrellyness about talking to his "boss", not knowing colleague's surname, but he socialises with her and turns out to follow her on social media is a bit of a bunting factory.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

drinkygin · 26/04/2019 19:31

If he’d “never cheat” you have nothing to worry about and no reason to be suspicious. To be honest op you sound a bit controlling and paranoid.

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2019 19:33

I think maybe your jealousy has got the better of you op, and I believe he knows it so didn't want you looking her up etc, he knew what your reaction would be. I mean why did you need to know her surname? Or if she was pretty! You shouldn't have pushed it, it makes you look jealous and insecure, which I suspect he's trying to reassure you about. But he knew what was coming, Hence how he acted.

Plipplopbop · 26/04/2019 19:33

He's already lied to you as you proved but you trust him completely?
Not saying he's cheating but i think he has to understand that he needs to be open with you about everything so you don't get upset again.

Eliza9919 · 26/04/2019 19:38

No she doesn't Drinkygin, he sounds like a shifty, lying fucker to me.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/04/2019 19:40

Mentionitis
Lying about not knowing her surname
'Completely forgot' about a night out an hour away

He would never cheat on you, you say...

The fact you have posted on here says you are (rightfully imo) worried

Get this nipped in the bud

cliquewhyohwhy · 26/04/2019 19:44

It sounds like he does find this woman attractive and they seem to be getting more friendly which might lead to the start of an emotional affair.

SunshineCake · 26/04/2019 19:44

Hmm. Sounds to me little boy has a crush Hmm.

I'd make your expectations very clear since he seems under the impression now he's got you at home with his baby that he's free to perv after who he wants.

sadkoala · 26/04/2019 19:45

Why has he lied about not knowing the surname? That for me is a red flag.

It does sound like he might have a bit of a crush but to be honest it's all too vague ATM and if you really feel something might be going on I wouldn't mention it again to him just observe and listen.