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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be suspicious of DP and colleague?

58 replies

HormonalH · 26/04/2019 18:43

NC for obvious reasons and apologies in advance for a long post but wanted to make sure I provide all the information.

So DP recently mentioned, in passing, a female colleague a few weeks ago, this was interesting as DPs industry is primarily male dominated.

A few days ago, our LG wasn’t very well and needed to go to the doctors so I texted DP asking him to be home on time to accompany us. DP has no problem with this and comes home. Afterwards he explains that he feels bad for leaving a colleague who needed his help.

He explained that the female colleague needed his help with some manual labour as she was too ‘tiny’ to do it and she’d asked if he could help. Fair enough, DP is a team player and always helpful.

Today, DP mentioned he needed to go to a night out for a colleague of his that is leaving their department, he explained he had completely forgot but that he wouldn’t be home late so as to help with our newborn LG. He says it’s local and his boss is going to call with the details.

queue phonecall, however, I can hear the voice on the phone is female and definitely not DPs boss. After the call has ended i asked DP who it was and he explained it was his female colleague and that the night out is no longer local, instead about an hour away.

I say I’d prefer if he stayed to help with LG and asked colleagues name. He supplied first name only. I said what about second name to which he replied ‘I don’t know’.

I said ‘ooh are you going on a date with a pretty lady?’ Completely joking and he laughed saying no. I said is she pretty though and his face faltered, I pushed, and he replied she’s ‘average’. Now, I know I shouldn’t have pushed for more info but did and then pushed for her surname which he found for me.

After searching for her on Social Media I found her Instagram and realised DP follows her, so most definitely does know her surname.

Asked him about this and he had no response. I carried on with I know you think she’s pretty and that’s ok, I know you too well for you to lie so why lie about the surname? He mumbled and wasn’t sure what to say.

I left it at that but he’s suddenly become very clingy. I’m a little off as although it’s fine for him to find other girls pretty, I’m still a little hormonal from having a baby and my body is still s little battered, so it does make me a little sad.

AIBU to be suspicious? Please help, I’m a little hormonal and my self esteem isn’t great right now.

Please no suggestions that DP is cheating as I know he would never do that to me.

And a medal to anyone who made it to the end of the thread! Star

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 26/04/2019 19:46

Please no suggestions that DP is cheating as I know he would never do that to me

Why post then? What replies do you want?!

These boards are chocka with posts from people who were 100% certain their partners would never cheat, but yet-there they are cheating!

No one goes into marriage or kids thinking their partner would cheat, do they?!

EdWinchester · 26/04/2019 19:49

He fancies her.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2019 19:52

If you are 100% sure he wouldn't cheat then why does your op sound exactly like someone who is worried their partner is cheating ? Confused

Tinkoschminko · 26/04/2019 19:53

You know what makes people insecure and paranoid .... fucking liars!

drinkygin · 26/04/2019 19:54

@eliza9919 disagree. Anyway op is 100% sure he would never cheat so obviously has nothing to worry about anyway.

NunoGoncalves · 26/04/2019 19:56

What's an LG?

When you said your LG was poorly I thought your phone or television was on the blink.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2019 19:57

Little girl ?

NunoGoncalves · 26/04/2019 19:57

Ohhhhhh yes that makes sense.

cardibach · 26/04/2019 19:59

I don’t think not knowing her surname is necessarily a lie. I’m shit at surnames. I might have asked for an Instagram name, followed then comp,Evelyn forgotten it. Seriously.
You can only go by what you know of him, OP.

Nottheduchess · 26/04/2019 20:12

I’ve been there OP, post baby body, insecure, tired, lack of quality time with partner. I think as jealous of every girl in work, every comment, every night out that he had I would interrogate him. Took me a while to get my self confidence back and to realise that he never cheated and would never cheat and even if he did, I’d be fine and would cope. Just because you trust him, doesn’t mean you don’t get jealous. I think maybe you need a bit of self confidence and a night out or two.

Dippypippy1980 · 26/04/2019 20:16

My sister works in a male dominated industry and met some of her colleagues wives at a wedding recently. None were particularly friendly and one was out right rude.

Her husband chuckled all night and afterwards told her they probably think she is flirting and or sleeping with their husbands. She is raging - a deep red rage.

It can to tough for women in male dominated environments - I know affairs happen, but surely it’s the exception and should most people not be able to trust their partners?

P.sl not that it should matter but my sister is gorgeous and these men have at least fifteen years on her. Even if she was the affair type, hey wouldn’t get a look in,

goldenchicken · 26/04/2019 20:24

'He would NEVER cheat.'

Oh dear OP.

That's what he is doing........... or about to do quite soon.

Don't be so naive.

Keep an eye on things. Spy, and nose, and become Columbo.

Can't do much til there's concrete evidence, as he will lie, and lie, and lie, and then lie again, and then lie some more...........

Dippypippy1980 · 26/04/2019 20:39

Please don’t take golden chickens advice. You snooping around and making yourself miserable won’t change the outcome here.

If you can’t trust your partner why are you with him? Regardless of whether he is actually cheating, this is no at to liv.

Decide whether you trust him enough to stay. Then, if you do, just live your life.

Zoflorabore · 26/04/2019 20:53

I'm sorry to say op but nobody knows for sure that their partner would never cheat.

I've seen it so many times on here and many of the women were incredulous that their significant other would dream of cheating on them. It happens so much more than you think and it's not always pre-meditated.
Many affairs start in the workplace as people are spending 40 hours a week together and develop a friendship that then intensifies as lunches are spent together, work related texts become personal and before they know it there's at the very least an emotional affair going on.

My own dad did this to my mum. I would have bet every penny I had that he would never do that, but he did.

Keep your eyes open and observe. That's all you can do really.

Summersunsareglowing · 26/04/2019 21:03

So,

  1. He completely forgot that tonight is a night out for a colleague who is leaving.
  2. You asked female colleague's surname and he lied and told you he doesn't know.
  3. Face faltered when you asked if she is pretty. Eventually said she is average. On seeing picture on Instagram you saw she is pretty.
  4. He is following female colleague on instagram.
  5. No response when asked about knowing surname/following her on Instagram.
  6. Just mumbled and wasn't sure what to say when asked about lying.
  7. He has suddenly become clingy.

His behaviour is definitely suspicious.There is no need to follow her on Instagram and he has lied to you about her name (presumably because he didn't want you to find him on Instagram following her).

YANBU to be suspicious about his behaviour.

Hanab · 26/04/2019 21:07

Oh dear .. not another 1

ahtellthee · 26/04/2019 21:14

He might not be physically doing anything; but he has definitely thought about it more than once or twice

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/04/2019 21:15

So is he on this night out right now?

getback · 26/04/2019 21:17

Op, don't get carried away by the responses. You sound completely normal and so does your Dh. You are feeling insecure, just had a baby, the things you said do not make you controlling or paranoid, just a human being acting on instinct. Your instinct is something is not right, and you're right. He has a crush, that's also normal, and he needs to do what we all should do when we have a crush.... be careful not to let things escalate by not getting too close or emotionally involved, keeping our distance till it passes.

Interesting how opinions are so polarised, he's having an affair/ you're being paranoid. There is a middle ground here, but your spidey senses are tingling so keep an eye on things.

Cryalot2 · 26/04/2019 21:30

I think you need a calm chat. He has lied to you and seems to be putting work before you.

EngagedAgain · 26/04/2019 21:36

Sorry OP but from what you say, I would say he is either cheating, gearing up for it, or fancies his chances with her.

Original poster
HormonalH · 26/04/2019 22:02

Thank you so much getback I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Flowers

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/04/2019 22:15

Why cant he follow her on instagram? I follow people I work with on instagram and I am friends with them on facebook. As to his face falling when asked if she was pretty yeah of course it would. What is he supposed to say if he says yes then he fancies her but if he says no and his wife sees her then she knows he is lying.

malificent7 · 26/04/2019 22:25

I know this is an unpopular opinion but surely he should be helping with the baby instead of galavanting with colleagues!?

Itsyersel · 26/04/2019 23:01

OP, I think you where deliberately looking for something that's not there,
why did you need her Surname?
Why did you then go stalking her on Social Media?
So if she was ugly would it be ok for him to be friends,?

Dont listen to all these bitter people on here saying he is having an affair, have a good long look at your jealous insecurities as you sound like a nutter demanding her surname etc!