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Original poster

Father of my children does not want to marry me!

650 replies

Jessil91 · 26/04/2019 00:55

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 26/04/2019 08:05

If you are happy and he is a good dad to your children it may not be too much to worry about.However in the long term, there are many problems regarding money/property.If you were to break up or he died God forbid. You may find your financial position would not be clear as it would if you were married .Perhaps you could point this out to him and see what he says .At the end of the day you cant force someone to marry you though ,and you dont want this issue to cloud an otherwise happy relationship

SometimesIGetNervous · 26/04/2019 08:13

he believes that marriage is such a big religious union he doesn't want to be apart of something like that.

Is your bf winding you up or something? Or have you never looked up marriage? I had a civil ceremony, they contain no religious content whatsoever. You aren’t allowed any. And name changing doesn’t happen automatically, you can keep your maiden name if you choose. It’s up to you.

Are you sure your bf isn’t making up a load of crap that you’re believing?

ChilliMum · 26/04/2019 08:15

I am like your partner, I think that marraige is antiquated and we really should have other options that reflect the world we live in. However as it stands those options are currently quite limited.

When I had my children we were not married, we both had good incomes, career prospects and jointly owned our house with mirror wills.

But things changed, my Oh got a great job offer that meant moving countries. I was happy to support him as it was the best thing for us as a family.

However, we are now no longer in an equal situation and being married protects my interests in our partnership.

It might sound cold but I don't need a piece of paper to prove we love each other but I do need that contract to protect me and my family.

Our marraige was a simple registry office, no fuss, we don't even wear wedding rings. The biggest difference is we check the box marked married on forms. Otherwise I don't really think about it at all.

You need to take the emotion out and have a conversation with your dp about security and your children and what it means legally for you all. Can you find a compromise?

HowardSpring · 26/04/2019 08:15

I was with exDP for thirty years. Not married, still amicable, 3DC. I don't believe in marriage, nor does he. It means nothign in terms of committment as it is so easy to get divorced.

Legally, financially you need to sort the money etc. We did by keeping finances separate, in our wills everything goes to the DC and we don't leave anytihng to each other, LPAs sort the "who makes life and death decisions" etc. These other arrangements mean we are both protected, the kids are protected and there was no fighting when the romantic/sexual relationship ended.

So OP if you are protected and have agreed the other stuff I wouldn't worry

MoreSlidingDoors · 26/04/2019 08:18

You’re missing the inheritance tax benefits Howard

30yearoldpensioner · 26/04/2019 08:18

I am in the situation. I have been with my DP for 11 years next month and have two beautiful DD's, a mortgage and all the other joint responsibilities that come with being a family. We just haven't got a marriage. DP has seen his parents have numerous marriages between them and his brother has a divorce under his belt also. My parents are still married but I wouldn't call it a happy union.
I would like to be married but I'm not sure I'd like it enough to cause an issue over it. At the moment I'm the only one of us to have a different surname and that's the main factor for me.
I totally get the issue u have that, thinking that he 'he wont marry you'. I don't really have any advice but just to say I get you!

crispysausagerolls · 26/04/2019 08:18

The female name change on marriage is a hideously sexist practice and I can’t believe so many women do it so unthinkingly when they marry.

I didn’t do it unthinkingly, I have always wanted to have my husband’s name, I like the idea of it! And if that makes me like Nora from “A Doll’s House” then that’s fine by me - I’m extremely happily married.

OP, I don’t think this is a great situation but it’s difficult to have sympathy - if marriage was so important to you, presumably you would’ve had this discussion earlier on/even better before having children.

PerfectPeony2 · 26/04/2019 08:19

Do some people really just not believe in marriage? Even if getting married would make their partner happy- surely if he loves you and it’s important then he’d do it. I’m not surprised you’re upset.

I think it’s so important to have these discussions early on though. It doesn’t have to be a big proposal (do many people really get engaged like that? Like a big surprise?). It’s a shame if he won’t change his mind- could you talk about it some more and what it means to you?

I always made it clear to DH that it’s what I wanted and would never have a baby if I wasn’t married. I’d tell my daughter to do the same if it’s what she wants. Financial and family security is really important.

SlappingJoffrey · 26/04/2019 08:20

The decisions that led you to this point were not wise ones OP, but they're done now, so I think you need to focus on the future. Don't have any more children with him, and if you aren't already, work. Ideally full time. What is your housing situation, do you have wills? Does your partner understand the legal differences between being married and not?

Moonbea have you posted on here about your situation before by any chance? Do make sure you get a civil partnership once they become legal, don't delay. Apologies if you haven't and I'm thinking of someone else.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 26/04/2019 08:22

The female name change on marriage is a hideously sexist practice and I can’t believe so many women do it so unthinkingly when they marry

I would rather have my husbands name than my Dads.

AnyoneButAnton · 26/04/2019 08:24

You don’t know that his reasons are valid namechange. He could be against marriage because he doesn’t want to make vows in church or spend eighteen months and twenty grand on a huge party. Both of those would be entirely invalid reasons.

Honeydukes92 · 26/04/2019 08:25

This is not the first time this exact situation has played out on MN and it will not be the last.

IF marriage is important to you (if not that’s fine) but IF you want to get married, STOP having kids with men and assuming it’ll make them want to marry you!!

It honestly baffles me how backwards we all are towards marriage. Women being made to feel they can’t/shouldn’t bring it up or ask for it. Men being given all the control 🤔
It’s not the institution it used to be, where he was offering to ‘keep’ you for the rest of your life. If you have a job, drive a car, can legally vote 🙄 you better believe you can tell a man YOU want to get married!

I feel very sorry for women who have sacrificed a lot and given men several children, whilst playing the wife role, only to find out he won’t marry her.

My DH had a partner of three years who wanted to get married, he said he didn’t believe in it. 🤔🙄

At the beginning of our relationship I basically said, if we’re not engaged within 2 years I’ll leave and there will be no chance of children before then.

MoreSlidingDoors · 26/04/2019 08:26

I would rather have my husbands name than my Dads.

Thus perpetuating the myth that women never own their names. Only men. Hmm

If you dislike a name that much, choose a new one and keep that. Why wait till marriage to take someone else’s?

TheWernethWife · 26/04/2019 08:26

What's the difference between a civil partnership and a registry office wedding.

PerfectPeony2 · 26/04/2019 08:27

The female name change on marriage is a hideously sexist practice and I can’t believe so many women do it so unthinkingly when they marry

I love my married name and being a family with the same name.

tiredybear · 26/04/2019 08:33

I've been with my partner for 20 years and we ae not married. I assumed we would, we talked about it (early on in the relationship!) and he had very clear and logical reasons for not wanting to...he hates the whole institution of it, the fact it's based on such outdated and patriachal ideals etc. I wasnt desperate to get married, so we went with his decision. We have a great, very equal relationship, joint mortgage, joint bank account etc. Not getting married does not necessarily mean he is not serious about you!

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 26/04/2019 08:35

Lol at husband's name is his own! If yours is your dad's name then his is his dad's name. I feel like I've just been visiting the 19th century.

TanMateix · 26/04/2019 08:36

Some people are perfectly happy not getting married, and that is fine.

Some feel shortchanged by that and that is fine as well.

If you are in one camp and you are in another one, it is a matter of deciding whether you can leave on the other’s camp or leave to keep exercising their beliefs.

Personally, I wouldn’t be happy if I had children, because if something happens to him or he leaves, your children have rights but you have NONE. It is not simply a piece of paper they are putting to the side.

Are you financially independent? If not, try to start working towards that independence because if he doesn’t want to commit to protect you and wants to keep his options open, you should also prepare to deal with the event of him turning his back on you, even if it seems unlikely or even impossible at this time.

Newmumma83 · 26/04/2019 08:37

Sorry you are feeling this way, marriage isn’t a god or am imagined thing though it is a real thing ... so I would want something more specific about what it is about marriage.

My now husband after being together 10 years and agreeing to
Marriage and babies and house in future nearly left me over the fear of commitment.. disputes living together 10/11 years and being engaged for 4 years .... he worked through it and I just about didn’t murder him / leave him and after 18’months living apart and dating again ... he figured he was in love with me and could do it ... it threw me off I thought engagement was commitment🙄 he didn’t ... he saw the house and marriage as the big one

I had to work hard to get it out of him .... it worked out well in the end but we would have continued to flounder if I hadn’t forced him to tell me and he hasn’t been brave enough to admit it.

My friend had a similar conversation with her partner they agreed no children but she wants marriage and he doesn’t she has been hoping he changed his mind ... I don’t think he will and I know it makes her sad ☹️ You really need to get out of him his reasons without bringing your emotions into it and see if you can work on it or move on x x

MoreSlidingDoors · 26/04/2019 08:38

I love my married name and being a family with the same name.

If course you do. And because you don’t own a penis you’ve been conditioned to think it’s the only way to achieve that.

SlappingJoffrey · 26/04/2019 08:40

I would rather have my husbands name than my Dads.

Or you'd rather have your FILs name than your own. After all, if your name isn't yours because it was your dad's first, the same is true of your husband.

Also, how old are all these people who think marriage is a religious ceremony? We have had civil marriage in England and Wales for almost 200 years. The very clear majority of marriages conducted in the UK are non-religious.

justarandomtricycle · 26/04/2019 08:40

There's such a condescending arrogance to "You've been conditioned".

Perhaps other people are awake and make their own decisions. It's a mad idea, I know.

Motoko · 26/04/2019 08:42

@Jessil91 are you coming back to your thread? Did you actually want advice, or just have a rant? Because unless you can answer some questions, we can only give general advice, that may, or may not, apply to you.

Fatmum71 · 26/04/2019 08:43

My parents aren’t Married for the same reason, my dad doesn’t believe in marriage. It hasn’t affected their relationship at all and have been together happily for 30 years

BogglesGoggles · 26/04/2019 08:44

After 10 years and two children he probably assumed you were anti marriage as well. I can’t say whether it’s bad that you’re not married. Marriage favours the financially weaker party.