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Original poster

Father of my children does not want to marry me!

650 replies

Jessil91 · 26/04/2019 00:55

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

OP posts:
ememem84 · 26/04/2019 07:00

I was just going to say that dh and I had a civil marriage ceremony as neither of us is religious. I changed my name without having to deed poll.

londonrach · 26/04/2019 07:06

Heard this so many times then guy leaves and marries someone else within a year or so. Agree with the mntters saying hes not into marrying you not anti marriage. Keeping his options open. Surprised its taken ten years to come up. Yes some people dont want to get married but both parties have to want that. Marriage gives you protection if you had had children. Op id be careful and get yourself some protection here. Im sure you been fine but if youve children you need to make sure they ok and yourself in case you split up.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 26/04/2019 07:06

OP if a partner says they don't want to marry it means they don't want to marry you in particular as he has been given the bonuses of being married without the legal framework.

Make sure you are financially independent so get a job or work to get a better one if you have one, ensure you have a pension and make sure any housing has your name on it. If he refuses to allow your name to be on the housing you need to plan on how you will be able to house yourself within 2 years as the children can live with any parent.

Personally as the higher earner it is not in my interests to have a legal union e.g. marry or have a civil partnership (when they come in) with my partner. Likewise one of my female neighbours, who can inherit her home of her mother, is the same. However we would be CFs as we both have children and our partners would be homeless.

MoreSlidingDoors · 26/04/2019 07:11

I have changed my surname to his name so I have the same surname as our two kids. (my surname ensures lots of bullying so we went with his which you can't say anything nasty about)

But you didn’t take the opportunity to change it the minute you were old enough? Interesting.

With a civil ceremony you have to change your surname by deed poll it doesn't happen automatically like it does with marriage, so we have that done already.

It doesn’t happen automatically anyway. Everybody has the legal right to use any name they like, so long as it isn’t for fraudulent reasons, at any time.

The female name change on marriage is a hideously sexist practice and I can’t believe so many women do it so unthinkingly when they marry.

There is no difference in rights conferred by a civil ceremony to a religious one. Why would there be?

Downthecanal · 26/04/2019 07:12

I don’t think it’s him keeping his options open. I was with Dh 8 years before he finally got round to asking me.

What I’d be concerned about is if your financially dependant on him. If he really doesn’t want to get married you need to be in a place where if he chooses to leave one day it won’t be catastrophic to your finances. Do you own your house? Are you on the mortgage? Do you have your own money coming in?

MoreSlidingDoors · 26/04/2019 07:14

I was with Dh 8 years before he finally got round to asking me.

Amazingly, you don’t need a penis to initiate the process. Shocking, right?

reluctantbrit · 26/04/2019 07:14

There is nothing wrong with not being married but it is a lot more complicated to ensure both partners are protected.

Seek advise about your legal position, who owns the house if you have one? Do you have wills? You are not next of kin so you need medical power of attorney in case one of you get seriously ill.

Do you have savings in joined names? Are you working and can survive on your salary alone?

I have friends who didn’t believe in marriage and just went to the register office, signed the documents and carried on living like before. It just meant the register fee saved them tons of legal fees to the lawyers to cover everything which is otherwise covered by the law for married couples.

Hahaha88 · 26/04/2019 07:17

What utter BS some of the replies are here. Of course it doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry YOU op, it means he doesn't want to marry at all. And suggesting he doesn't love or value you because he doesn't want to marry is harsh. I have zero interest in being married. But I love my dp completely and utterly. I fully respect him and our relationship and want to spend the rest of my life with him, and no one else. Being married or not will make zero difference to that.
However, my dp does want to get married. He wants to be married more than I don't. So, I will marry him. Because relationships are about compromise. I'm surprised you haven't had this conversation much sooner, but now you have I think you need to bring it up again and be open and honest about the way you feel. Perhaps when he understands how it means to you he might change his mind. But perhaps not. And that's something you have to accept ❤️

ChipSandwich · 26/04/2019 07:23

My boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage either, he's not religious and he believes that marriage is such a big religious union he doesn't want to be apart of something like that
A register office wedding is nothing to do with religion.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/04/2019 07:23

He is right not to do it if he doesn't want too. Plenty don't and that's fine. ten years later and children and no sign of marriage was surely an indication he didn't want it.

As long as you are both protecting yourself financially that's the main thing now.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 26/04/2019 07:25

Moreslidingdoors don't you know that only women have awful, unpronounceable surnames, they don't like their dad, it means more to their partner, it didn't matter to them. That's the MN script. And, horror! Of COURSE you have to wait for the man to propose, anyone would think that men and women are equal reading your posts.

Shoxfordian · 26/04/2019 07:28

I'm surprised you've not had this conversation in the last decade op! Why do you want to marry now when you didn't seem bothered for the last ten years?

lostelephant · 26/04/2019 07:33

There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me.

He's already said the reason is because he doesn't believe in marriage, why are you making this mean anything about yourself?

Kennehora · 26/04/2019 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TerryWogansWilly · 26/04/2019 07:45

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it

It was made clear by the fact that you have been together 10 years, not had a proper discussion about it and that you are not now married. I'm sorry.

MoreSlidingDoors · 26/04/2019 07:48

I don’t believe in marriage either. DH does. 15 years ago we had a civil ceremony after realising it was the most straightforward way to ensure legal protection for both of us.

No names changed. I’m not a Mrs. Nothing changed financially.

Had civil partnerships been available, we’d have done that.

justarandomtricycle · 26/04/2019 07:49

I think people are being very uncharitable here. Of course there are men who shy away from the marriage contract because it is basically a solidification of responsibility for them.

On the other hand we are on how many generations of broken families being common now? People running lies back and forth in an adversarial way, kids caught in the middle, made to say things they don't believe to be true, made to choose between their parents, seeing their parents settle down with other people while still married but separated, abuse in the home, someone deciding they've changed so fuck everyone else etc?

Some people are genuinely worried about stamping a psychological black mark on their happy home, and those people can take years to soften. DH took longer than the 10 years in the OP and we are now happily married.

Barbie222 · 26/04/2019 07:53

It's wise advice to make sure you're earning enough to keep yourself if you should need to.

I think I would probably make plans to live separately in your position if you can.

Singlenotsingle · 26/04/2019 07:54

Where are you OP? People are talking to you here.

TatianaLarina · 26/04/2019 07:55

Not another one.

What’s your financial situation OP? Who owns what? Have you taken time out of work for the children etc?

Humpy84 · 26/04/2019 07:59

Start hitting the gym and investing in yourself, your wardrobe, everything. Invest in your career, independence etc. He needs reminding that you’re a catch and can walk if you want to and have other options.

Piglet89 · 26/04/2019 08:00

@ordinarygirl great post.

Drogosnextwife · 26/04/2019 08:01

I have been with my DP 7 years, we got engaged about 4 years ago but I decided last year that actually I don't really want to get married. I love him very much and i don't want us to split, I just don't really want to have a legal tie to someone and have the cost of divorce if we did split. I don't rely on DP financially though, if I had to, I could pay all bills myself and all assets are in my name. Do you have your own income?

ItsAllGone19 · 26/04/2019 08:03

My husband and I were together for a decade with two children unmarried.

It was something I wasn't keen on. I have a decently paid job and a final salary pension. For me it was literally just a piece of paper and meant nothing more.

It took a brush with mortality to change my mind. We have children to consider and if something happens to one of us we wanted no extra hurdles to jump to get access to what should rightfully go to the surviving spouse and children.

Your boyfriend really needs to sit down and address the what ifs of not getting married. Things like...
Next of kin
Inheritance
Death in service/pension payouts
How your children will be housed/cared for if one of you passes away
What happens if you do break up, how will assets be split

For me the last question was the only one that didn't bother me. I was in the more powerful financial position and he isn't a stay at home dad. All the others did in a massive way though and that's what made me agree to that little piece of paper that officially recognises our relationship.

Our wedding was small with only parents and our children in attendance. The wedding wasn't important. The marriage is.

NameChangeNugget · 26/04/2019 08:03

If I had my time again, I wouldn’t get married. It’s antiquated.

His reasons for not wanting to marry are as valid as yours for wanting to.

Assuming anything is a schoolgirl error sadly