Father of my children does not want to marry me!

[Jessil91]

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

I also find it offensive that you consider me to be "erasing my identity" by changing my name.

That says more about your view of women and their identity than it does mine.

Changing my name doesnt just make me "wife" and nothing else. Having a child doesnt just make me "mum". Im still my own person regardless of what I CHOOSE to be called.

Do you think that women who consider themselves equal to men don't love our husbands?

I don't assume that only I consider myself equal to my husband or tell other people they don't.

There is your mistake - that sort of thing and the "you don't know your own mind" mindset that underlies it are why you quickly lose people in discussions like this.

Love being bullied by raging feminists for making a choice they supposedly want me to have, but only if i make the right one.

“It’s only one plastic straw. Said 8 billion people.”

Individual choices have repercussions.

My issue with female name changing is not just the perpetuation of a tradition borne through women being second class citizens. It’s that men are under no expectation to even think about it. If everyone had to think about it and make a decision regardless of their genitals it would then be equal. And that’s what feminism is for me.

So i should make a choice i dont want to make for the greater good?

Because women will be better off having their own name? How? What difference in real, normal womens life does it make?

Tell men to think about it then. Force them to make a choice dont force women into doing something they dont want to do. In what world is that giving women power? Its doing the opposite.

Other people's choices. Chouces that are theirs to make. Choices you are not entitled to expect their compliance on according to your worldview.

That's actually quite an easy concept to grasp of you're not a control freak that thinks you're better than everyone else. I find it curious that it's the people who cannot understand it are always banging on about "educating" everyone else.

"That's actually quite an easy concept to grasp of you're not a control freak that thinks you're better than everyone else. I find it curious that it's the people who cannot understand it are always banging on about "educating" everyone else."

Tbf, that could apply to the posters on this thread waxing lyrical about advantages of marriage to those who have stated it's not for them.

It absolutely could, especially if they start saying other people should do as they are told by their rightful empress because of "outcomes for everyone else", or that this means nobody except them believes in equality, people will rightly recoil at that just the same.

I find it odd that we live in a society in which marriage is still the norm as is taking his name and giving DCs his name and women being primary childrearers and giving up their income and often careers upon having children and as soon as a few posters say 'not for me' there are those on the traditional side who practically wet their knickers with outrage.

@plantpot - don’t see how you are the one being bullied, part from anything else you called me batshit!

It’s weird too how you seem to think that feminists somehow need to sell feminism to you- it’s a civil rights movement for women. It hugely benefits you but if you don’t want to be a feminist you don’t have to. Don’t expect other women to be happy that you’re not in favour of advancing their rights though.

Your name was your name, you seem to be saying you had it since birth. You never saw fit to change it before so why would you change it to your dh name? As pp have said why is his name his and yours is not yours? You say you wanted it to be the same as your children but you chose their name too, or rather you chose to give them your dh name and to erase your name entirely.

Women who have named their children or themselves after their dh or dp are often on mumsnet trying to rename the whole family after a new relationship or break up. It makes sense just to keep your own name and either name your dc after both parents or the mother.

Would you change your first name on marriage to your dh? If not, why your surname? Your name is certainly part of your identity why replace it with someone else’s?

Also you don’t get to make a deeply sexist choice and criticise feminists for not supporting it. No one is taking away your freedom to make that choice but it is a sexist choice and feminists will oppose it with good reason.

Also you don’t get to make a deeply sexist choice and criticise feminists for not supporting it. No one is taking away your freedom to make that choice but it is a sexist choice and feminists will oppose it with good reason

Feminists don't even need to oppose it or be critical of others' choices before the traditional crowd wet themselves though. All we need to do is say how we will live our lives and they seem threatened and upset as if we were directly questioning their choices. Yet barely a season goes past without an 'I don't see why people have children without getting married' thread (there's one up here now). Apparently, it's absolutely OK to criticise those who don't conform to the norm...

I find it odd that we live in a society in which marriage is still the norm as is taking his name and giving DCs his name and women being primary childrearers and giving up their income and often careers upon having children

And we’ll have a sex pay gap as long as that’s the case. Unfortunately, the “traditionalists” who “exercise their right” to make some or all of those choices are the ones fuelling it whilst the rest of us try to fix it.

If you’re fine with women getting the bum deal, then carry on with the patriarchal shit that makes you feel valued. That’s not what I want for my daughters/granddaughters.....

It’s often hard to make a feminist choice. Society judges feminists as being troublemakers, ugly, unwanted by men and so on. Also many women think the patriarchy benefits them - they can expect a man to take care of them and they don’t have to do the difficult and stressful job of supporting themselves. It’s often the case that some women’s interests seem to clash with feminism more so that for other types of civil rights movements.

But if we change nothing and go along with misogynistic concepts just to try to feather our own nests, that doesn’t help in the long term on an individual or societal level. A woman might think she has won the jackpot getting a man who will support her financially but it leaves him with the power in the relationship and it’s pretty risky to leave all your financial affairs to someone else while they expect you to do all the unpaid work. And emancipation of women does not lie that way.

Dont take it personally......I dont believe in marriage, I will never get married! My OH completely disagrees but respects how I feel but regularly picks me up on it and I just joke with him as he knows I wont budge!
Maybe talk to him and ask why as I could reel off a list and then you might understand more. I have been with my OH for 10 years and my previous OH was 9 years so it's not commitment for me.......
If someone held a gun to my head and I had to marry someone then my OH would be first in line and hes happy he'd be the first if I had too 😉
Talk to him x

A woman might think she has won the jackpot getting a man who will support her financially but it leaves him with the power in the relationship and it’s pretty risky to leave all your financial affairs to someone else while they expect you to do all the unpaid work. And emancipation of women does not lie that way

One man from welfare as they used to say.

I gave my child dps name because his other kids had his name and were all a family. Ive already explained that. But apparently thats not a good enough reason.

And as a matter of fact before dp proposed i was going to change my name anyway do dont assume you know everything when you know nothing at all.

You want to take choice away from women. You know, just the same as men have for years.

Oh and im not the primary caregiver so again, wrong. Childcare is totally equal and if we could have done shared parental leave (it wasnt a thing when we had ds) then we would have.

Lots of assumptions being made her.

Women not taking their husbands name is going to get rid of the gender pay gap how exactly?

It's called 'choice' folks. !
I am a financially independent grown woman. I have worked in war zones, raised 3 children single handed for many years, am near the top of a very very male dominated profession. A man telling me I can't do something simply makes me want to prove them wrong.
I held hands around Aldermaston , camped at GC and am still a Union Rep where I am fierce in protecting my female members (especially) rights.
My feminist conscience is clear.
YET I CHOSE to take DH surname because I wanted to.

Why do people always feel the need to impose their views on others. ? You don't HAVE to take his name on marriage. He can take your or everyone stays the same.. but I have just as much right to choose which surname I want .. and no one has the right to say otherwise.

Oh and i dont and never have relied on dp financially so again, wrong.

Dont assume that women who take their husbands name because they WANT to (not because they have to or feel under pressure to) dont financially support themselves or completely rely on their husband. I actually find that assumption completely offensive.

It’s a sexist choice though. Feminism is not about making sexist choices however many times you might say it. It’s one small sexist choice but they do add up. No one is saying you can’t make the choice as many have said but it’s sexist. No point hiding from that.

@plantpot - now you say you were going to change your name anyway. Ah right. But just didn’t get round to it until you got married. And just happened to pick your dh name out of all the billions of possibilities! Uh huh.

And his children all need his name regardless of their mother? Why is that? Why are the women erased? Why does that make you more of a family?

No, i was going to change it when i had ds anyway as i knew we wouldn't get married for a few years but i never got around to it. Not that i have to justify my perfectly reasonable choices to you.

Sorry how is me deciding to change my name to something i want a sexist choice?
So youre saying that no woman should take their dhs name and all kids should have their mothers name? So sexist against men basically? Thats not what we should want.

We should just want everyone to have the choice which legally they do. I dont see the issue.

I dont know why his prev children have his name presumably their mother has her reasons sp youd have to ask her. My child has his name because I (me!! Specifically me!!) Wanted it to be the same as his dad and siblings.

Lets stop forcing women to take their husbands name! Let's take the choice away completely cos... feminism.

Utterly fucking ridiculous. This is why feminists get a bad name.

I judge that women who erase their own names and take men’s surnames do not want to make a feminist choice. There may be a number of reasons for this but certainly in this day and age it’s shows a bit of an old fashioned world view rooted in misogyny.

Don’t know why you are still going on about CHOICE. You don’t get to call yourself OfHusband and claim to be a feminist cause it’s a choice! Not all choices advance women’s equality .

The women havent been erased. His ex has her own name. I chose to have his.

Again, you saying we have been "erased" says more about your dim view of women.

Feminists have a bad name? Isn’t that what you really think plantpot? Isn’t that why you changed your name if you were really to be honest?

Children are ofhusband. You are ofhusband. The women are gone. It’s sad that you are so excited about defending this.