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Original poster

Father of my children does not want to marry me!

650 replies

Jessil91 · 26/04/2019 00:55

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 26/04/2019 21:47

I never said he had his own name!

Nobody has their own name unless they change it to something random.

Changing it to be the same as someone elses isnt a less valid choice.

ScreamingLadySutch · 26/04/2019 21:47

"I was happily with my partner, 3 children, for 25yrs.

Until he met his "soulmate"

But we were married, split of assets was the law. I was protected. "

THIS, me too Catsrus. Thank God for the rules of fairness people bigger than him (lawyers and courts) enforced.

Strangely, I now have more money than I ever did walking on eggshells around his selfish high spending arse.

Marriage is a CONTRACT where people have to uphold their obligations and responsibilities if they -have a midlife temper tantrum- decide they -want new- don't want to be committed any more.

It is much more than 'a piece of paper'. Try going to Hertz and telling them you'll take one of their cars but don't bother with the piece of paper.

lozster · 26/04/2019 21:51

^Motoko

True that it protects the weaker party, but that is still, in 2019, the woman.
Gah, I meant to say, in 2019, women are still in the majority, the weaker party.

To those saying that wills can be written to provide for the other person, the partner could change their will without the other's knowledge, so it's not set in stone.^

Myth 1: THIS - already tackled by pp’s

Myth 2: Next of kin - no legal status in the UK. So quit with the ‘life support’ rubbish.

SlappingJoffrey · 26/04/2019 22:00

You talked about taking your (general) husbands name, while saying your own name is your dad's . If you were treating the two the same, you'd have asked why it wasn't ok to choose your FILs name. Double standards.

hsegfiugseskufh · 26/04/2019 22:02

Oh jesus Christ. If this is what being a feminist is about ie ripping other womens choices and grammar on the internet then i dont wanna be one!

You can cry double standards all you want but its plain fucking stupid to say i can choose my own name as long as it doesn't belong to my husband (or FIL or his dad and so on)

SlappingJoffrey · 26/04/2019 22:14

Take that up with the person who said it, then. I keep telling you I didnt say you shouldn't. Is being non-feminist all about refusal to read posts?

Also, pointing out your great big gopping double standard is nothing to do with spelling or grammar.

hsegfiugseskufh · 26/04/2019 22:16

Do you have to be so condescending?

SlappingJoffrey · 26/04/2019 22:21

It would be easier to avoid if you'd stop bringing up things other posters have said to you that are nothing to do with me.

hsegfiugseskufh · 26/04/2019 22:26

Dont reply to me then??

M3lon · 26/04/2019 22:28

Feminism is all about choice...but not all choices are equally feminist.

I did 'choose' to change my name as I was young and didn't think about it much - plus this was 20 years ago so much more the default than now....so not really a choice in fact.

Anyway I wish I hadn't but I'm stuck with it now as I publish under it....

I like the choice of both partners changing name to suitable double barrelled version....or just keeping your name and kids are double barrelled.

and yes right now my name came from my father's side rather than my mothers, but after a few generations of the above that will be all a thing of the past.

Kennehora · 26/04/2019 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justarandomtricycle · 26/04/2019 23:03

What if you want to marry your husband because you quite like him (crazy I know), see all having the same name as something you want, and think that men passing their surname onto their kids is nothing compared to the state of being physically joined to us (and by extension every one of our female ancestors back to the first woman that ever lived) that our kids start out with.

AgentJohnson · 27/04/2019 00:13

How are you ten years and two kids in and not have known this? Don’t say because he didn’t explicitly say this because that’s bull crap and you know it.

Rosesaredead · 27/04/2019 00:54

I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I personally don't believe people who say they 'dont believe in marriage' because in my experience these people often tend to go on to get married to different partners in the future. It seems to me that this phrase often really means that they're unsure about marrying the person this is said to. I say this as someone who always said she never believes in marriage and genuinely believed this for years, until I met my husband when I suddenly DID believe in marriage. I'm sorry, I didn't know whether to post this but in the end I thought you wanted genuine opinions or you wouldn't have posted. If this really means a lot to you you need to give him a serious ultimatum and be willing to actually leave him - maybe this will make him realise what you mean to him and he will change his mind. Otherwise I guess you'll just have to respect his decision or move on. Sorry OP

Kennehora · 27/04/2019 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinnitusqueen · 27/04/2019 05:07

Get the kids on board with some encouragement. Kids love it when their parents get married.

BlackPrism · 27/04/2019 05:14

I often find that men who are 'against marriage' end up marrying someone 10 years their junior when they leave a long-term relationship.

Meandmetoo · 27/04/2019 06:43

Grown ups: please don't use kids as your pawns in situations like this. Handle it like an adult, not a foot stamping teenager.

Oakenbeach · 27/04/2019 07:34

Get the kids on board with some encouragement. Kids love it when their parents get married.

Using your children as pawns of emotional blackmail to coax your partner into marriage is one of the most stupid and irresponsible things I’ve heard in a long time. Please don’t bring your children into this.

Oakenbeach · 27/04/2019 07:36

Kids love it when their parents get married

And yet again, someone conflates a “marriage” with a “wedding” - I despair 😩

SlappingJoffrey · 27/04/2019 08:47

Dont reply to me then??

I'll be replying every time you or anyone else says the man's name is his own but the woman's is her dad's, and then also when you pretend you didn't and start randomly bullshitting about grammar. FYI.

Also yeah, don't involve the kids OP.

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/04/2019 09:47

I didnt pretend i didnt! Are you always so utterly rude? To be honest its idiots like you who give feminism a bad name. Ive already said that nobodys name is there own and saying dps name instead of fils name (even though weve now established its not his fucking name either!) Was just for ease because lets face it this is a non issue!

I apparently am allowed a choice but will be looked down on by other "feminist" women for it. Girl fucking power.

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/04/2019 09:50

Oh and those of us who want to take our husbands name still think we are equal to men, we just dont feel the need to make a big point about it (because nobody actually gives a shit about our surnames in RL)

MsTSwift · 27/04/2019 09:51

Just because one woman says something you don’t agree doesn’t mean you can rail against all “feminists Hmm Feminists are not a hive mind

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/04/2019 09:52

Love being bullied by raging feminists for making a choice they supposedly want me to have, but only if i make the right one.

Arguments like this are doing nothing for womens rights and make women like me feel like feminism is not for me because actually its just about being forced into making a "feminist" decision just to make a point even if you absolutely dont want that.

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