Father of my children does not want to marry me!

[Jessil91]

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

I've been with my partner for over 22yrs.
For me, it's being the centre of attention...I would absolutely detest it.
My partners parents died before we met, I'm NC with mine. We've drifted away from most of my friends over the years too. I suppose we will have to get married simply because of money/inheritance security for our child.

But the whole marriage thing is so weird to me. It really doesn't mean anything to me. I love my partner to bits and god forbid anything should ever divide us - I'd probably soldier on alone. Other women just never turn my head.

I agree with PP that if he ‘doesn’t think marriage is important for your relationship’ you should perhaps start considering that ‘sex isn’t important in this relationship’.

🤔 it’s not ‘using sex to bully him into doing something’ it’s refusing to carry on having sex with a man who openly doesn’t want to marry you- frankly I would find that very hard to do!

Honestly I think you need to put your foot down. My absolute favourite line is ;

DH: I don’t think marriage is important.
You: Ok, well I do, so you won’t mind if we nip down the registry office and I can get that pointless little piece of paper to make me happy...seeing as it doesn’t matter to you!

Most men who say they ‘don’t think marriage is important’ or ‘don’t believe In it’ actually are quite opposed to it! Push him on it!

@Jimdandy - That first paragraph is incredibly offensive. Maybe if men didn't whisper sweet nothings in the first place the women wouldn't get caught out!

I'm male, and the constant male macho narcissistic bullshit that they speak and act just to gain sexual gratification sends me fucking wappy.

It's not the womens fault, but they are the ones that get tarred. Whilst the men boast of their latest conquest.

If he says he would prefer a civil partnership now that they are about to happen, because of the religious tradition of marriage, seems understandable. Has this suggestion been broached?

Withholding sex to coerce someone into marriage is beyond pathetic and wouldn't be the best way to start married life for either? Imagine being with someone knowing the only reason you're married is basically because of sex? Beyond insulting. Anyone considering this - you're better than that.

Be grown up, have a conversation, if both still want different things then call it a day.

Anyway of coercing another into marriage seems a hollow victory. If a person wanted to get married they would, if they have to be forced into it then the chances of it lasting are remote. Plus who wants to force somebody in the first place.

For me, it's being the centre of attention...I would absolutely detest it.

You don't have to have a "wedding" with guests, and bridesmaids and everything else. The two of you could book the registry office, and ask a couple of people off the street, or working there, to act as your witnesses.
That way, there's no spectacle, no need to feel like "everyone"'s staring at you, and then you and your partner will have the legal protections that only marriage gives.

Today is my 19th wedding anniversary. He wanted to get married, I didn’t care one way or the other so we did it.

A marriage - an individual’s marriage - is whatever they want to make it. I haven’t changed my name, we both wear rings, if we separate I’ll be the loser financially. I don’t buy all this marriage is patriarchal crap, it might have been 100 years ago but I, for one, didn’t get married when that was the case.

As for heterosexual civil partnerships, what a load of old baloney those are, with origins that are far more shameful than marriage. Why they didn’t just scrap them when same sex marriage was legalised l’ll never know. Civil marriage or civil partnership - same thing, different name.

Parental responsibility has nothing to do with child maintenance!

There are good reasons for getting rid of the idea of 'common-law marriage' and becoming a couple by default, the main one being that there needs to be some sort of requirement that you declare your intentions before assumptions can be made. Otherwise there would be unscrupulous people claiming to be the 'spouse' of their wealthy flatmates, or of the person who takes them on as a lodger...

I agree with PP that if he ‘doesn’t think marriage is important for your relationship’ you should perhaps start considering that ‘sex isn’t important in this relationship’.

Absolutely. Playing games is a much better idea than the OP's approach of talking to her husband like a sensible adult.

How stupid of people to not believe in something that exists.

Maybe they mean they don't believe in getting married. .

@contentedsoul be offended. Like I give a stuff what you think of my opinion 😂😂😂

We’re not talking about people “getting caught out” we’re talking about women who plan children and a future with someone without resolving their “bottom line” (marriage) first.

Why would someone marry you if you’ve already given them what they wanted (kids etc) with nothing that’s important to you in return.

@plantpot - I am suggesting you don’t change your name to your husbands because of feminism! It’s totally outdated and utterly misogynistic to be changing your name and naming your children after a man while entirely erasing your own name. If it’s a personal choice it’s one based in misogyny. Why not a random name that you pick together- at least that’s actually a family name rather than just the mans name.

Also all for asking for what you want but the idea of withholding sex so a man will marry you is a bit nineteenth century, no?

I agree though that often when someone says they don’t want to get married, it means they don’t want to marry you. Harsh but unfortunately true.

@plantpot - I think it’s batshit to change your name because you’re getting married. If you want to change your name pick one you like. Or keep your actual name - you didn’t see fit before you got married, it was fine for you before.

Feminism isn’t about making choices that are Utterly sexist.

Even as a practical matter it doesn’t work to change your name on marriage. How many times on Mumsnet have we seen women changing their names multiple times after divorce and trying to change their children’s names. In over 90% of break ups women are the resident parents- save yourself time and hassle ladies by naming your children after yourself.

I am picking one i like. It happens to be the same one my child has.

Can i only make my own decisions if they're feminist approved?

Also i wouldn't try and change my childs name if i divorced. Why would i? Me leaving his dad or vice versa doesnt mean he stops being part of a family.

Its stuff like this that makes me hate feminism.

Yes ladies stand up for yourselves, live your own lives, be equal, make your own decisions... but not ones that you actually want to make only ones to prove a point that youre a strong independent feminist.

Its not my name though is it. Its my dads sooo whats your point?
Ok to have your dads name but not your husbands even though your dads name is forced on you at birth but you can choose to take your husbands name if you so wish?

You mean choose to take your father in laws name. Because if your name isnt really yours, just your dad's, then your husband doesn't have his own either. Just one that was forced on him at birth.

Although that does beg the question of whether your dad gets a name either, since he presumably got his from his dad.

Covert Contract.

"One of the biggest problems with relationships are covert contracts. Covert contracts are basically an agreement you have in your mind that if you do something, you'll get something back in return"

It is one of the most stupid things women do (been there, got burned).

Regardless its my choice to take it. Whoever it originally belonged to.

Why can i not make that choice?

Didnt say you couldn't. Issue is with the double standards when you say your husband has his own name but you don't.