Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father of my children does not want to marry me!

650 replies

Jessil91 · 26/04/2019 00:55

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

OP posts:
GabrielleNelson · 26/04/2019 15:08

M3lon, could you explain in simple terms how in 2019 women are treated less equally than men when they marry? I don't see it myself. I'm not aware of a single piece of legislation still on the statute book that treats me less favourably than my husband. (This was not true when I married nearly 40 years ago, but times change.) We had a simple registry office ceremony, no religion, very little fuss. I don't really understand why we need new legislation to bring in civil partnerships as well.

MsTSwift · 26/04/2019 15:10

Cave isn’t really wrong. It’s true we have freedom of testamentary capacity in England so you can cut your spouse out. However a spouse would be in an extremely strong position to challenge such a will under the inheritance (provision for family and dependents) act and would be likely to get at minimum what they would have got on a divorce.

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 15:15

@mst - that’s not true. It’s difficult to challenge wills and no guarantees of success regardless of who you are. No more reason a wife would succeed than an unmarried woman who was mother of his children and a dependent. Sorry but you’re wrong there - your dh could leave his property to whoever he likes same as if you were unmarried.

And no beneficial interest in property comes from being married. Not in a legal sense anyway.

GabrielleNelson · 26/04/2019 15:20

I am not a lawyer but I think MsTSwift is spot on. Of course legal fees are expensive, but if the estate is big enough a spouse who was left out of a will would be very well advised to contest it and would have an excellent chance of getting a settlement. Ditto a child who had been maintained by the deceased. Even a non-married partner is in with a chance (although that's where it starts to get less certain, IIRC).

www.hughjames.com/service/contested-wills-trusts-and-estates/inheritance-act-claims/

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 15:20

@plantpot - if a man isn’t supporting you, how would you be left with no job and kids?

Why do you need the same name as your dh? Why do your children need the same name? It makes no sense. It’s misogyny- I’m a person, my dds are people, their dd and other relatives are people. Most of us have different names and none of us own any of the rest of us. We have our own names and that has caused us no problems whatsoever at any point.

lily2403 · 26/04/2019 15:24

As long i was financially stable and not dependant on him for anything i wouldn't mind but if you are a SAHM and hes working and owns everything, i wouldn't be happy....if its just a bit of paper then whats the harm in jumping to the registrars

Meandmetoo · 26/04/2019 15:25

"tell him
“The next time we have sex I will be married “
Stick to it .its your body and your life...
If he ends it ,rather than marry you,he was always going to end it eventually."

Oh, don't do this op. If he ends it rather than marry you it might be true that he was always going to end it, or it might be that he won't allow you to use sex to bully him into something he doesn't want to do, in what case he might be thankful of the lucky escape!

TooManyPaws · 26/04/2019 15:26

Friends of mine just went down the registry office with two witnesses.Wedding photos show them signing the register in their jeans and jumpers. No name change,nothing but legal protection for both.

It's worrying that he thinks it's not worth it without the big fuss. The importance of that contract is the whole point rather than the dress and party. Hell, just have a big celebration once you've done it.

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 15:26

@gabrielle - either a married or non married partner may contest a will. There is absolutely no guarantee of success or that you will get any settlement equal to what you would get on divorce. The starting point is that people can leave their property to who they choose. You may successfully challenge a will if you are a dependent spouse but you may not, it depends on facts and competing claims.

So no, she is not right. You should not consider that you have any right to your spouses property on death if they have willed it to someone else.

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 15:27

That’s in England- situation is different in Scotland.

Dishwashersaurous · 26/04/2019 15:27

I know that this is twelve pages but how on earth does anyone get to the situation of having multiple children with someone without having the marriage conversation

hsegfiugseskufh · 26/04/2019 15:28

@plantpot - if a man isn’t supporting you, how would you be left with no job and kids?

I personally wouldn't because I have a job, but for an unmarried SAHM you'd be in a bit of a predicament if you split with your partner

I wouldn't say its just the man supporting though, a SAHM is supporting the husband by looking after the kids too, but unfortunately that doesn't pay the bills if your partner leaves.

as for the name thing, you're being ridiculous. Me changing my name doesn't mean I am owned by anyone. What do you suggest people pick for their childrens surnames? totally random names just because feminism? come on!

having a different name doesn't cause me problems, im doing it because I personally want to. I don't see why you have such a problem with that.

omione · 26/04/2019 15:29

Did you not think to have such conversations before you commited to each other and had children ? Why has it become important to you now ?

merrymouse · 26/04/2019 15:32

And if he doesn’t agree in marriage as an institution that’s fine, civil partnerships for heterosexual couples are in force from May. We can just get a civil partnership. It costs about £40 if it’s just the two of you with two witnesses.

Completely agree.

He doesn't have to 'believe in the institution of marriage', but as a couple with two children and a house you should be able to discuss the legal and financial implications of having your relationship legally recognised.

merrymouse · 26/04/2019 15:37

There is also nothing to stop you getting married now and doing all the optional wedding stuff (dress, cake, speeches) at a later date.

HowardSpring · 26/04/2019 15:42

Bollocks that CPs are homophobic. They are the opposite.
There has long been a need to rethink the laws surrounding partnership/ inheritance/ marriage /divorce/co-habiting. CPs are one step in fulfilling this need just as the "no fault" divorce is another.

Mia83 · 26/04/2019 15:59

Just a quick point. I don't think civil partnerships are going to be available in May (but happy to be corrected). The Act that empowers the Secretary of State to introduce them comes into force at the end of May but the Act just says that the power has to be exercised by the end of the year here. Of course it might be exercised earlier than that but I've not seen anything to suggest that it will be so soon. If there is something I've missed I'd be interested to know.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/04/2019 16:00

I agree with the PP who suggest telling him that the two of you should just pop down to the nearest registrar and get it done, and have a big 'wedding' if he wants one at some later date. Quite a lot of people separate the legal part of getting married from the wedding ceremony by a day or two, at least, because they want a particular type of ceremony that isn't available from either a register office or a Christian church - or they want to do it somewhere that isn't licenced for weddings, such as their own home or in a field.

Because, yes, there is the possibility that 'yes I'll marry you BUT we have to save up for a proper wedding' actually means 'I'll agree to it to shut you up but I'm not actually going to do it, because I simply don't want to.'

justarandomtricycle · 26/04/2019 16:26

In these threads, I'm always amazed that people who think marriage is misogynistic both want to get married, and can find someone who is prepared to marry them on the understanding that marriage is basically evil.

M3lon · 26/04/2019 17:01

gabrielle well I dislike the fact that the occupation of fathers go on. I think that was something that doesn't happen in CP?

Meandmetoo · 26/04/2019 17:04

Yes it's just the father's name/occupation that goes on a marriage certificate Hmm

In cp it's both.

Me and dp will probably go for cp when able.

MsTSwift · 26/04/2019 17:10

It’s up to a judge but if you cut a spouse out of a will entirely they would have a strong claim on the estate. So would anyone being supported by the deceased but a spouses claim would be more compelling

SlappingJoffrey · 26/04/2019 17:11

Civil partnerships in the UK have a homophobic, othering history. This is not a matter of opinion. They were introduced as a sop, to avoid giving same sex couples access to the same as straight couples. I welcomed their introduction at the time because they were better than nothing at all, but for those of us who are not heterosexual, people refusing to acknowledge the inherent homophobia can feel rather gaslighty.

Cave wasn't right about spouses having an automatic right to inherit but some of the disagreements with her aren't quite right either. It's easier to challenge a will that doesn't provide for you as a spouse than as a cohabitant. This doesn't mean there aren't individual cohabitants who would have more chance of success than individual spouses. But the point is that the spouse is more likely to succeed than the cohabitant where they have otherwise identical circumstances, rather than more likely than all cohabitants ever.

MsTSwift · 26/04/2019 17:34

I never said they would be guaranteed to succeed it’s decided on a case by case basis and bringing a claim would be stressful and expensive but as a spouse you are likely to be advised it’s worth it.

Jimdandy · 26/04/2019 17:39

Sorry ladies but if you want him to marry you, stop laying on your back and having kids with them and giving the kids their last names.

Being totally realistic you have lost your bargaining chip then, you’ve given him everything with nothing in return.

If he wants those things, he’ll marry you first, if you doesn’t he’ll walk and do you a favour!