To not want daughter going to a wood by herself?

[Vellia]

Dd is 16. We live in a town with lots of countryside/footpaths at close proximity. About a 15 minute walk away from our house, you get to the edge of some farmers’ fields. If you walk down the side of one of these you find yourself in a lovely small wood. At the moment the bluebells are out and it’s absolutely magical.

Over Easter, dd and I have gone for a walk in this wood most mornings before she starts revising (I work in a school so have school holidays off). But in a few weeks’ time she’ll be off school on pre-GCSE study leave while I’ll be working.

She’s said in passing that she’s going to go for a walk in the woods at the start of each day to get herself in the right frame of mind for revision.

I feel rather uncomfortable about this as the wood is a significant distance away from the road & any houses. Definitely out of ear-shot. And the wood is never very busy - we rarely bump into more than one or two people, mostly dog walkers; often it’s entirely empty apart from us.

AIBU to think it would be unwise for dd to go walking there by herself? Would I be unreasonable to tell her she can’t?

And for all those saying I walked home alone at 2am drunk ect ect..you was one of the lucky ones. did you not see that video of the drunk girl being followed and raped in a alleyway and beaten to a pulp?

That’s horrendous chocolatelog but I’m presuming the alleyway wasn’t in the middle of a wood?

The housing estate you mention and town centres with pubs and dark alleys are clearly just as dangerous, if not more so than the woods, hence those of us saying if you’re going to stop her going for a walk, you also need to stop her ever going out anywhere alone. What a way to live.

Sadly it’s a fact of life - rapers gonna rape. Whatever our girls do to try and prevent themselves becoming a victim, often it’s the time when you’re least expecting it that something awful happens.

My DCs (12 & 14) wanted to go for a run round a nearby lake by themselves over the Easter holidays. It’s usually pretty busy near the cafe etc but quieter up the other end. The first day I let them go and panicked the whole time they were gone, but I knew that the exercise they were getting was more important than my fear.

When they got home we heard from a friend who works there that apparently there were lots of police and ambulance etc there as someone had been found - not sure if attacked or collapsed.

That was that. I decided they couldn’t go the next day until we knew what had happened.

Turned out a runner had collapsed, no foul play, but my fear had ruined their plans to go running again every day of the holiday and they didn’t do it again. I think they’re possibly a bit young for it, but at 16 if definitely let them go off exploring. Of course I’d feel dreadful if anything happened but the same would apply if they were attacked or murdered in town on a night out (as happened to someone locally last year) or if DD were assaulted by a boyfriend whom I’d allowed into our house without vetting him.

Most people I know who’ve been sexually assaulted, it was a boyfriend, a family friend, a relative (cousin and step-father ) or a new boy they’d met recently. Stranger danger is grossly exaggerated because nobody wants to think it’s their dad/brother/son we need to be wary of.

The vast, vast, vast majority of assaults happen from people you know. There is nothing wrong with going for a walk in the woods. She's in far more danger at a party or on a night out.

"imaginary sex attackers"

Firstly, they're not imaginary in cases where there has been actual sex attacks. Secondly, I didn't mention anything about sex attackers in my post. There are other risks.

"I live in the countryside" - so do I. Don't need to walk through secluded woods to get where I need to go.

Apologies if this has been suggested but could you go for a walk with her when you get home?

chocolatelog, you're just being silly and deliberately obtuse.

Today 13:01 Pa1oma

“Is it still actually possible to forbid 16 year old teenagers from doing anything? “

Er, yes it is.,

At 16, forbid? really?
Well you are lucky indeed that your 16 year old complies without question with everything you forbid (and that you’re absolutely certain they do).
What do you do if they don’t agree with your opinion (and put forward a good argument)?

We advise/have advised our 16 year old (and now 25 year old when younger) children on what we think is the sensible course of action. If we’re putting a reasonable argument, they usually take notice.

At 16, I don’t believe forbid is appropriate any more, not if you’re aiming for independent, critically thinking adults (excluding murder, drugs and nefarious activity generally, obviously!) We too are lucky though in that - certainly with our current 16 year old, he’s a natural born policeman/traffic warden/dog warden, rules are to be enforced. Sometimes I find myself wishing he’d live a little and break one. There I’m going to regret saying that in a year or two

@RagingWhoreBag that's all well and good but why put yourself in vulnerable situations ie woods. Most murders/rapes happen in secluded areas not on a high street. If your walking in secluded areas then your putting yourself in a dangerous situation. I see dog walkers walking down dark back alleys at night night and I think why? Why not just walk in lit up built up areas. What you gonna benefit from walking down there? It's crazy.

No I wouldn't let her do this alone. Especially if she start a routine that is then noticed by the wrong person. It's not nice but it's part of being a woman, sadly. The chances are very low but the impact would be life changing if not ending. I would with a do though. Maybe she can borrow one?

@RagingWhoreBag my eldest of comes home at 2/3am from party's/ friends ect. She knows she not allowed out unless she's got someone to walk her home. No point wishing you never let them go when their gone.

@ChocolateLog You "wont allow" your daughter's to go home unless she's got someone with her? How old is she? Presumably old enough if she's partying until 3am in the morning!
You can't baby your children into adulthood, they have to find their own way not be swaddled up in cotton wool.

Most murders/rapes happen in secluded areas not on a high street.

Really? Where did you get that information from?

Didn’t know that about drowning and young men - is this in open water? Includes open water swimming, falling into the sea off the rocks/out of boats and drowning, falling into rivers in town at pub kicking out time, drunk, but not suicides. I know someone who volunteers on a rescue boat that patrols the Lagan. I was talking to him round Christmas last year. V busy pulling out both drunks and suicide attempters.

My husband often goes fishing alone after work off rocks where the sea is fairly deep, about 20 miles from our house. He loves it because it is deserted- he has to walk nearly 2 miles along a narrow track to get there so there is rarely anyone else there. He stays till it's nearly too dark to see. Meanwhile I'll be walking alone (or did do before we had DD- now we have to take it in turns) at the far end of the woodland near our house- once you're off the big beaten track you don't see anybody- or just the occasional dog walker- for half an hour and are out of shouting range. I walk along, trying not to worry about him falling in, hitting his head off the rocks and drowning.

He wears boots with good grip, is a good swimmer, doesn't drink when he is doing it, is sensible enough to assess the wind/waves and not take big risks trying to retrieve a stuck lure, and has been doing it, alone, since he was about 12.

I still worry a little bit but that is life. He rides a motorbike (sensibly). I used to ride horses a lot and likely will again. Mostly sensibly; but both bikes and horses can get you killed or paralysed even if you are careful. His brother, an excellent skier who lived and worked in the Alps; who read the snow reports, knew the risks, carried all the right gear and had all the avalanche training and was skiing sensibly albeit off piste with sensible friends, was killed in an avalanche. Skiing was his great joy in life.
Assess the risk, decide if the joy of each particular thing (getting drunk at impromptu student house parties, doing risky sports, walking alone in the wild) is worth the risk and the fear of the risk to you and your family...and then live as you decide.

Well I've not heard of many if any happening on a busy high street have u?

She's 17 and will be doing that until she can drive herself places.

And I'm 34 and there's no way I'd walk home alone from a night out so I don't expect my daughters too. I'll go and pick them up myself if it means they get home safe.

And I'm 34 and there's no way I'd walk home alone from a night out so I don't expect my daughters too. I'll go and pick them up myself if it means they get home safe.

You do know you don't own your child don't you? She will be 18 shortly and may tell you to mind your own business!

So at 18 she can't go have a drink at a party and get home, she must either ha e a companion (do you need to bet them first) or drive.

absolutely ridiculous, she'll leave home by 19 rather than live in that regime.

Highlighted wrong message it should've been

She's 17 and will be doing that until she can drive herself places.

@youknowmedontyou we're travellers. They don't get to tell us to mind our own business until their married. And then they can do as they please 😁

Well I've not heard of many if any happening on a busy high street have u?

I didn't ask that I asked where you got your batshit crazy statistics from?

@chocolatelog travellers or not, they don't have to listen....

@youknowmedontyou but they do. Their brought up with respect.

Went for a walk with DH, daughter and dog in the woods to see the bluebells this morning and told him about this thread. I thought that it was sad there were so many people- well so many women- made too afraid by society to go and look at the bluebells on their own. His comment (he's a tree surgeon and surveyor and ex gamekeeper so a lot of his working life has been spent in the woods): you get taken there, it doesn't start there.

Which is true. I was looking up searches for missing murder victims online, and most bodies are found within about 20 yards of a road, because dead bodies or injured/drugged victims are heavy and awkward to carry. People get dumped in woods and on moors but they rarely get jumped on at the furthest point of their walk. They get brought there from the more populous, target- rich places.

@chocolatelog in fairness travellers children are known for their total respect and not one of the children ever ever have gone against their parents wishes I'm sure!

@chocolatelog it's your job to put a bit of fear into your kids so the aren't naive to the dangers that are out there.

There’s a big difference between discussing dangers in a realistic way, and the kind of hysterical scaremongering that you’ve been perpetuating on this thread!

I’ve taught (and teach) my 16 year old to be aware of danger, to risk assess and be sensible, to retain a healthy suspicion of people’s motives but not to let fear of what might happen curtail your activities. That means things like knowing that she there are people ‘out there’ who would do her harm, but that statistically she’s far more likely to be harmed by someone she knows. That means giving her the confidence to trust her instincts about people. That means reminding her to keep her wits about her when she’s out walking. It doesn’t mean not letting her venture out alone!

And, most importantly, I’ve made sure that she’s had years of martial arts training. That gives me more confidence than anything, tbh.

@youknowmedontyou another statistic for you. There's more rapes and murders on non travellers than there is on travellers. I wonder why 🤔

MN does seem to attract people who are on the, uh, overanxious side of the normality scale. Too scared to answer their doorbell. To scared to go to social events. Too scared to share their toothpaste.

Better if these people stay home and leave the fun world to the rest of us.