AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

[GallopingFox]

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

Remember reading a really long in depth thoughtful article on this a few years ago - the taboo about the love nannies can feel for their charges. Some give sole care for very long hours to tiny children from 3 months for some the bond is very strong.

No skin in the game as was sahm when kids tiny but my understanding from friends research is that an excellent nanny in the home is the best option for babies and toddlers if you can afford it. Everyone I knew who could afford it went for that option

If you were to get rid of your nanny and chose someone who wasn't loving but saw being a nanny as a profession rather than enjoying being around a child, you would have more problems and your child would not be as happy.

Also if you tell your nanny not to cuddle your child you will either upset your child or cause tension with your nanny.

YABU. My little boy is at nursery two days a week and it makes me so happy that the ladies there scoop him up for a cuddle as soon as he arrives as it's just like the affection he gets at home. Makes him settle easier.

What I would do in any circumstance where I employed someone to care for my DC (or for parents being looked after by carers) is to fit cameras in my home and access them on my mobile phone in real time to ensure my child(ren)/parents were being cared for appropriately.

Is this allowed, I understand the reasoning but to be watched would be a bit OTT? Or maybe I'm wrong?

What @NoBaggyPants says is correct, IMO.

GallopingFox
'My point is my DC doesn’t really seek out the affection but my nanny just gives it to her spontaneously.' (From earlier in the thread).

GallopingFox this is actually a good thing and is appropriate for age and stage of development. As long as the child's body autonomy is respected, kissing is not on the lips, and your nanny isn't passing on infectious illness or disease then you have nothing to worry about. I worked in nursery (not in the UK) we were physically affectionate with the children. It's important for their development. And they shouldn't be deprived of physical affection throughout the entire day until their parents finish work. It also shouldn't be one sided where the child had to initiate it all the time, it needs to be mutual. Child needs to know that this person cares about me. It needs to be respectful of the child's cues. If they pull away or show discomfort, disinterest, then respect that and refrain from cuddling etc. If you have any reason to believe that your child is uncomfortable, distressed then intervene on their behalf. It is not unprofessional for a nanny to show appropriate affection and to create a relaxed atmosphere for the child/ren in their care.

youknowme
It isn't allowed secretly..but if they inform you they are filming you then it's ok.
I can see why people might want to do it. It does make me feel a bit comfortable, the thought of secretly being watched, but this is nothing to do with the way I care for the children... it's because the thought of them watching me eat/ eat my secret stash of chocolate when the children nap haha.

Thanks @Noonooyou yes that wold be me too but with crisps instead! 😂

Of course she's affectionate with your child, she looks after him full time. If you don't like the fact he's affectionate with someone other than you, then don't employ a nanny and look after your child yourself as most parents do. Sorry if that comes across harsh, but that's the way I feel about it.

Go with your gut op!

moistmolly what are you insinuating? The nanny isn't doing anything wrong. If the op isn't happy about their child having a bond with someone else then they should choose alternative care

My ds was in nursery from the age of 1 and the staff there were just like this . I was really happy he was getting love and cuddles as he was only a baby and contrary to opinions on here, most people have to work . Yes they do.
He's 5 now and at school but for the years he was at nursery I was very happy with this level of affection .
I think there is a phrase for child care givers which is ' in loco parentis ' which basically means, stepping in on behalf of the parents.

However if you are not happy op it's your call.
You asked for opinions and personally I think it's normal and a good thing.

"Remember reading a really long in depth thoughtful article on this a few years ago - the taboo about the love nannies can feel for their charges. Some give sole care for very long hours to tiny children from 3 months for some the bond is very strong."

There's interesting stuff in the book Global Women about nannies from poor countries moving to rich ones, giving all their love to other people's children while they've left their own children with grandparents.

"If the op isn't happy about their child having a bond with someone else then they should choose alternative care"

The child's welfare doesn't come into it then? Not to mention that people shouldn't be sacked if they haven't done anything wrong.

I don’t think you’re batshit crazy, but as you’ve said you have zero concerns about your child’s welfare and it doesn’t sound like the behaviour is objectively inappropriate, I think you have to recognise that this is coming from within you - it’s your issue and you need to figure out how to resolve it. It sounds like jealousy born of the guilt all working parents wrestle with, which is totally normal and really, really hard. But honestly - would you feel any less guilty and jealous if you asked the nanny to be less affectionate? I don’t think you would. You chose this kind of childcare for the intimacy and one-to-one setting so I think you’d actually feel much worse if you asked the nanny to reign it in.

The only thing wrong here is your jealousy. Be grateful that you have a lovely Nanny & DC isn't missing out due to your needing to work

If you "chose to have a nanny so my kids would get live and affection" as you said upthread, let the nanny give love and affection? Very simple. Just park your pride. It's about your kids not how you feel.

gwenhwyfar of course I think the child's welfare should come in to it. Have a read of my previous posts and I think it's fairly clear which side I'm on. What I am saying is, the op obviously isn't happy with her child having a close bond with someone else, it is her issue. Not the nannies or the child's.
And of course I know the legalities surround sacking. The op wouldn't be allowed to sack her nanny for no reason, she can however, make her nanny redundant IF she chooses another form of childcare, because the role of nanny would become redundant.

noonooyou She can sack the nanny for any reason or no reason at all, except discriminatory reasons. She would not have to make the position redundant.

"She can sack the nanny for any reason or no reason at all, except discriminatory reasons."

Don't nannies have the same employment rights as other employees? As long as they're not working undeclared.

YAB SO U

screwy really? That seems really unfair. I'm not saying you're wrong by the way. Is this true in all jobs then?

If it's true in all jobs then fair enough. But if this wouldn't happen in other jobs then it shouldn't happen in my job either. I think people forget that this is our career, it's not just a hobby. This is how we pay our bills and the parents are an employer and shouldn't be dismissing unfairly..

YABU. Why aren't you happy that your Nanny clearly cares hugely about your dc?

I'd be so pleased that she didn't just see my child as a pay cheque and that she genuinely cares for them. Christ I've heard it all now!

If it's true in all jobs then fair enough. But if this wouldn't happen in other jobs then it shouldn't happen in my job either. I think people forget that this is our career, it's not just a hobby. This is how we pay our bills and the parents are an employer and shouldn't be dismissing unfairly..

^^this

Another of the many voices saying your nanny sounds fantastic and it's only your insecurities/jealousies that are a problem.

Your child is happy, healthy and loved. Sounds a win to me.