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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

390 replies

GallopingFox · 25/04/2019 18:50

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 25/04/2019 22:01

I opted to have my DC in nursery from the age of 2 and not a childminder, because I wanted their daily vocabulary extended through interacting with more ppl and for them to be able to do a range of activities that the nursery provides

What bullshit that is. I'm a childminder and my minded kids never stop chatting to me, we talk about all sorts, we read books, we do activities, we go out to do activities, we go to groups where they interact with many other children and adults.

Drogosnextwife · 25/04/2019 22:08

OP I am affectionate with my minded children, although I don't kiss them often, I will give them tummy rubs or back rubs when they are tired, they sit on my knee to read books/watch their fav TV program, sometimes even for a nap, I play with j their hair, they like it and they want to do that and it's all the things I would do with my own kids. I don't actually talk to the parents about that too much though, for exactly the reason you have posted. I want my mindees to feel loved and cared for but I don't want their parents to feel jealous because I'm aware that they might. As a parent myself, I think I would. Please do not worry, you are mum and no childcare provider will ever compare to you in your child's eyes.

Drogosnextwife · 25/04/2019 22:11

Although when it was time for both my boys to go to nursery at 3 they hated it, my youngest latched on to his key worker and she was amazing with him and I think probably quite affectionate towards him. I wasn't even slightly jealous, I was just so glad someone was caring for him so well.

Drogosnextwife · 25/04/2019 22:11

I used to call her his nursery mum 😂

SandyY2K · 25/04/2019 22:12

@BlackType

I went to toddler groups while on maternity leave and the mums there were not ppl I would have as friends outside of that setting.

My DC would not have an extended vocabulary from my childminder and having heard my friend's childminders and nannies speaking, I would say the same about them.

My CM was fully capable of looking after my DC, but she wasn't grammatically sound and had a basic education.

I'm not saying this applies to all childminders and nannies. I had a very good nanny at one point.

The choice of a nursery or nanny/childminder is an individual one. It was a better choice for my children.

Going back to the OP... as long as your nanny is genuine, that would satisfy me.

Not one who acts lovely in front of you and when you're not there is awful with your child. Like a story I heard recently

en.newsner.com/animals/abused-baby-couldnt-tell-his-parents-about-cruel-sitter-but-his-dog-could/

CookPassBabtridge · 25/04/2019 22:19

She is your childs main carer, it's lovely she is like that with them. You just sound bitter that you're spending all this time away from your child.

Graphista · 25/04/2019 22:33

SandyY2k normally your posts are relatively reasonable even if I don't always agree but your post approx 30 mins ago is frankly so ill informed and fucking insulting!

For starters there are pros AND cons to ALL childcare options not just childminders and nannies.

A child being cared for by a childminder is being cared for by a trained and qualified professional who is ALSO regulated by ofsted (in England and Wales. A similar set up in Scotland not sure about Northern Ireland though I imagine similar there too).

I will say I agree nannies need to be far better regulated but there are many excellent nannies available.

Childminders and nannies can and will also provide opportunities for socialisation with other children, language development and acquisition, other early years education including various types of wet and messy play.

As someone who has been a sahm, nanny and childminder I certainly structured their days - my own child craved structure and routine despite my wistful desire to be a relaxed non routine led mum.

As a sahm if your friends from before you had your children were all back at work there's no reason at all not to make new friends with other sahm and to make use of toddler groups etc indeed you'd have to be pretty determined NOT to do this for it not to happen at all.

Childminders also usually have other charges from a variety of backgrounds for your children to interact with and who they are fluctuates with the natural changes in who the childminder has under their care and most mix with other childminders, nannies and sahm and baby and toddler activities outside their home which add to this.

I also have a considerable number of family and friends who are teachers. They do say that children that come straight from a sahm situation where mum hasn't prepared the child for entering school can experience difficulties but generally speaking most children settle fairly quickly with those coming from nannies, nurseries and childminders finding it marginally easier.

You've mentioned NONE of the cons of nurseries -

sensory overload

lower adult - child ratios

lack of flexibility with hours (strict opening and closing times often not open bank holidays)

exposure to many other children also means exposure to many other pathogens

but equally strict rules on not accepting children when mildly poorly

less focused care

many nurseries to keep costs low tend to employ very young barely qualified and less experienced and therefore less confident staff...

They are far from perfect - and I say that as someone who also chose nursery care for my child for her last year before starting school (I needed reliable care in term time but not an issue non term time, at the time it was easier to arrange payment to a nursery via tax credits than to childminders - this has since been improved, dd has always had a pretty robust immune system so this wasn't an issue, the nursery concerned also ran the after school club attached to the school dd was going into and while it's not supposed to work like this it was known locally that children already known to them were more likely to get a place - this was true for most of the Asc where I was living at the time)

So please don't make out childminders and nannies are inferior and nurseries superior especially when you clearly don't know what you're talking about.

"I went to toddler groups while on maternity leave and the mums there were not ppl I would have as friends outside of that setting." Wow! Can you hear yourself? Do you even get how that makes you sound?!

Drogosnextwife · 25/04/2019 22:40

Nurseries are regulated by OFSTED

You know that childminders are too right. I'm not sure about nannies.

dreamyflower · 25/04/2019 22:46

With regards to nursery worker, I'm a primary teacher and teach yr5 so obviously I don't have any physical contact apart from the occasional hug in the playground. However, my friends who teach reception and nursery constantly have children hanging off them. They've had children climb onto their lap, hug them, hold hands etc. It's normal at that age. How do you know that your child hasn't asked for a hug in the past so now it's become habit for them? I would love to have a nanny who loved my boys like this.

Noonooyou · 25/04/2019 22:47

drogo nannies can be Ofsted registered if the parents wish to pay through tax free childcare or childcare vouchers. Ofsted registration for nannies needs insurance, DBS, first aid and a qualification in childcare (I have a degree). We do not have to follow the EYFS. I won't go in to details about my likes and dislikes about the EYFS but I can assure you, all children in my care learn as much as they need to for their ages and I do this by following their leads and interests. I just don't do it as formally as a nursery would have to.
A lot of the families I work for don't have much time to sit and read through paperwork so we tend to use WhatsApp to communicate throughout the day with pictures or the odd message.

Drogosnextwife · 25/04/2019 22:48

My CM was fully capable of looking after my DC, but she wasn't grammatically sound and had a basic education.

Is it different your child's nursery? What makes you think those people have a better education than childminders and nannies?

Noonooyou · 25/04/2019 22:51

drogo agree with that too!

Drogosnextwife · 25/04/2019 22:54

Noonooyou

Ah I see, I was unsure because I don't actually know any nannies personally and have never looked into it. Not very common where I live for some reason. It's something I've considered for when my children are a bit older and don't need childcare, so thats good to know.
I do very similar with WhatsApp and verbal communication, I know most of my parents are busy enough without me giving them paper work to go through. I get quite embarrassed having to ask them to do it actually.

Dionysa · 25/04/2019 23:15

@SandyY2K, I'm not entirely following your most recent post, as it isn't entirely comprehensible.

I have just deleted a very long post in response. The gist of it is that very small children who are looked after one-to-one (i.e. by a nanny or SAHP or grandparent) are likely to fare better than those who aren't. That's the short version.

twitchticklingproblem · 26/04/2019 00:01

I think what's got people's backs up is your insinuation, whether intentional or not, that the nanny's behaviour was inappropriate - 'fondling', 'caressing' etc. That's a vile thing to say to someone who is obviously close to your daughter. I can only echo others that I'd would feel so happy that someone loved and showed affection to my child who was the main care giver - to insinuate it was in any way inappropriate is vile.

SandyY2K · 26/04/2019 00:06

@Graphista

The point of my initial comment, was that the time with a nanny is limited to 4 years old and could be earlier than that by opting for a nursery.

This isn't and was never intended to be a battle of nursery VS childminders/nannies/SAHM.

I was pointing out the options because of what the OP said about her situation.

Of course there are pros and cons to any form of childcare, but nursery was a preferred option for me.

I'm talking about my experience with childminders and nannies. My view is that nurseries are preferable for wider interaction. I maintain that they provide a more structured environment IME.

You don't have to agree... we all have different opinions.

The people at toddler groups were not my kind of people.... it is what it is. Just as I imagine I wouldn't fit in with a toddler group where the mums live in detached mansions, with swimming pools, cleaners, gardeners and have 6 luxury cars on their driveway once you get passed the remote controlled gates. Our backgrounds and lifestyles would be very different.

Most people socialise and make friends with ppl like them. That's not unusual or hard to understand.

@Drogosnextwife

I had more than one reason for sending my DC to nursery from the age of 2....(not just to extend their vocabulary) it was about interacting with other children primarily. Not just a couple of other children ..but those from diverse backgrounds.
My CM looked after children from the same ethnic background.

At nursery my DC would be exposed to more than one adult as a caregiver, unlike with a CM/Nanny. The more ppl a child interacts with, the better IMO.

My DC are teenagers now...at the time CMs were not OFSTED regulated and neither was the nanny I employed.

Even if they were, I would still prefer the nursery setting from 2 upwards.

Parents make choices for their DC, based on a number of factors, including what they feel is best, what they can afford, what's more convenient and based on their child's character/individual needs.

What I want for my DC, may differ from what others want for their DC.

It's not a one size fits all.

@Dionysa

I'm not entirely following your most recent post, as it isn't entirely comprehensible

Better luck next time.Smile

Graphista · 26/04/2019 00:14

"once you get passed the remote controlled gates" wow and you're criticising others literacy?!

Your posts - despite your claims in your most recent post - were very clearly biased towards nurseries and AGAINST nannies and childminders for reasons which aren't even true!

And don't even get me started on your attitude to sahm!

Have the decency to admit your prejudices and ignorance.

Chocmallows · 26/04/2019 00:26

SandyY2K your snide comments detract from the points that you are trying to make. Rather than sounding balanced and assertive you are being condescending.

I can see your points under the digs, my DC went to nursery rather than CM, but I can appreciate that 1:1 has advantages too.

The comments about playgroups do not make sense. Of course you are not guaranteed to make friends, but labelling whole groups as impossible to have friendship with based on housing (e.g. detached mansion group) does not correlate. My friends live in a variety of housing and we do not judge each other on things like this.

JohnHunter · 26/04/2019 00:36

Your DC needs affection. If this is an adult who knows them well and you trust, then I don't think it should be a problem. I can certainly imagine feeling some jealousy but I don't think you would be doing yourself or your DC any favours by trying to reign it in.

IncrediblySadToo · 26/04/2019 01:29

Appreciate how LUCKY you are that the person who looks after your child and spends most of your child’s waking hours with them, loves them.

it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person...and? If they didn’t, they’d be better off finding a job with fewer hours and better pay frankly.

Rosesaredead · 26/04/2019 05:40

YANBVU and a bit ridiculous.

Rosesaredead · 26/04/2019 05:42

Also, reading stuff like this makes me feel so miserable. Seeing people complain about lovely, kind behaviour makes me feel just sad - sad for the person who is being complained about, sad at the idea of them being told off for their kind behaviour, sad that when I try my best to be kind to people someone might be complaining about me behind my back.

Cherrysherbet · 26/04/2019 06:19

I think it’s lovely that your child has this affection from the person that is spending most of the time with him/her. If you’re not there to give love and reassurance, then your child deserves someone who is. Good on her for caring so much, and doing a great job.

givemesteel · 26/04/2019 06:34

I think you have to think about the type of person who chooses to be a nanny or work in a nursery.

Personally I wouldn't want to hug or kiss any children other than my own (I don't have any nieces or nephews) and maybe you feel the same OP.

But people who choose this job naturally just love all children, they are probably the sort of people who coo at random babies in the street and are comfortable showering any child with affection. Some people are naturally like that and it's lovely that they are.

The nanny won't love your child like you do, but it's lovely that she obviously is very attached to her. I've seen nannies where they don't seem that bothered and trust me that seems very sad, when a child is being brought up by someone who doesn't seem to really care, which the child will pick up on.

Noonooyou · 26/04/2019 06:36

sandy I find it hard to believe that your DCs childminder wasn't Ofsted regulated if they are only now teenagers. They've had to have been regulated for a while!

Obviously you are very pro nurseries, which is absolutely fine, we all do our own studies on regards to what works best for children.
But your points aren't coming across very nice.
You're basically saying ALL the nannies and childminders you know are crap at grammar? This may be true, but it comes across very mean and like you're having a little dig. A lots of the nannies and childminders that I know are degree educated. I take very good care to teach my charges as well as I think. I help with homework etc...
Also, the children mix with LOTS of different backgrounds. We frequent the library, park, zoo, farms to name a few, and the children are always mixing and chatting with other children.
Children only play alongside each other until about 3 anyway.

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