AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

[GallopingFox]

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

Your Nanny sounds lovely, you sound jealous.
I can't believe you'd consider asking your child's primary caregiver to restrict the affection they show your toddler just to ease your insecurities.

On a separate note my DDs nursery once called me to ask if they could apply sun cream on a hot day. I missed the call so they didn't but put a jacket on her instead. I'm not sure if this was due to allergies/reaction or physical contact.

@Aldicheckoutworkout they'd be worried about allergies. Nurseries change nappies etc without express permission as part of caring for a child. They don't need permission for physical contact. You've given it by having your child there in the first place.

Oh my goodness, YABVU. What's the alternative that your DC is only given restricted affection? What do you think is the most likely to cause any damage / problems. I don't want to be harsh, but I doubt that this is a real post, a parent being concerned about their child receiving affection from someone they are paying to spend a lot of time with them 🤔 Just doesn't add up to me.

Two year olds are so cuddly and squishy and if you care for that child of course you spend some time being physicaly affectionate towards them.
Having said that, with my first child I think I would have been funny about it, probably jealous! but im on my third and I would now be pleased that they have another person in their life to provide them with affection.

The sun cream thing is allergies according to our nursery. They do ask us to send them in with it on already on sunny days, and then check their own stuff is suitable for reapplication when needed.

Your post is worrying, but the worrying part is the way you describe the situation, not the situation itself. Fondling, massaging, cuddling and kissing... You're trying to sexualise normal behaviour to justify your position.

Dont listen to this, @NoBaggyPants is reaching!!

But you are just feeling a pang of jealousy because it's your DC. Don't say anything, as PP said, your child will resist eventually and it'll naturally dwindle down. If you mention it, Nanny will feel super awkward and change her behaviour, possibly becoming a bit cold towards DC which would upset them and make them think they've done something wrong.

I agree with this:
Try and think of it as the Nanny as just one more person who loves your child. Cant have too much love. Perhaps she chose to Nanny because she really does love children.

You're paying someone to bring up your child. It's generally not the 'norm' to have a nanny, so to ask if it's normal for them to be affectionate to your child is a bit unreasonable of you.

It must be difficult to see someone else bring up your child whilst you work, but that's ultimately the path you have chosen and the decision which you have made.

I cuddle, kiss and love my nieces and nephews. I presume that the nanny is spending a lot of time (probably 40-50 hours a week) with your child? That's a lot of time to spend with a baby and she's seen your DC grow up. Your DC will have formed a bond with her, as will your nanny have formed a bond with your DC. They have a relationship which is separate from you.

Never watched The Help? Don't be that person.

You and your children are very, very lucky.
Have a look at theory on the importance of touch and affection.
The more loving relationships in a child's life the better.
She sounds like gold dust. Hang onto her.

My point is my DC doesn’t really seek out the affection

How do you know? If you're normally very affectionate and cuddly with your child, the chances are that this originated in him expecting the same from the nanny and seeking it out.

I don’t consider your feelings unreasonable at all. I’m guessing all those saying you are being very unreasonable have never had to deal with this themselves.

I’m my eyes a hair tussle, hug if they are hurt or upset is one thing. But massaging & constantly seeking cuddles? That’s more about her want for affection than the child’s. If the child approaches her for physical contact, as they do if they feel close, then I don’t see an issue. But if it’s instigated by her, then I’d be a little upset at the overstepping of the mark. She’s there to look after your daughter, feed, play, entertain, but you are the one who decides the boundaries, not her.

Now that the bond is established, what happened if she suddenly leaves? Has her own child, that’s going to be difficult for rite child to understand that she was an employee & was only there being physically affectionate because she was being paid.

I’m afraid I think this person has just done what comes naturally, rather than discussed boundaries with you her employer.

It might be worth having a very calm & honest chat about her seeking the affection & how it makes you feel.

OP, I'm wondering if you have a problem with that level of affection for yourself. Perhaps you weren't shown that type of affection yourself as a child, and don't enjoy it as an adult? Is your nanny from a culture that expresses more physical affection than your culture perhaps?

I think it's important you shared your concerns but I personally think it's simply the nanny having a different nurturing style to yourself. I personally wouldn't worry.

YABU, She has a bond with your DC, is that not what you want? Or would you prefer a nanny who is cold and distant?? 🤔

The nanny sounds brilliant.

On the flip side, at least you dont have a nanny who is so enmeshed in her former charges' lives that she constantly refers to them, remembers stories about them out loud to your DC & calls your DC 'Boy!' , 'Girl' ...(no, she did not stay with us long!)

DD has similar colouring to her nanny and they adore each other. they get mistaken for mum and child sometimes. They cuddle and play and hug all the time. DD's dismay if her nanny isn't working is heartbreaking to see. But it's a sign that the relationship is working out.

I once spotted the two of them walking down the street as I drove past. Holding hands, DD was skipping along chatting away and for just a second my heart felt like a spike went through it... and then a second later I just felt such happiness that she ws so obviously happy and loved even when I'm not around.

YABU

I was a highly experienced nanny and was sacked once for a very similar thing. The parents spoke a different language and I successfully helped their youngest child conquer some English homework. The child's teacher sung my praises to the parents and this signed my death warrant. I was sacked for "getting too close" to the child.
Any nanny worth their salt knows that the parent/s is/are a child's number one, but in the absence of that then the nanny steps up as a temporary mother/father figure. If you are uncomfortable with this then I would suggest you rethink your child care arrangements/career. You cannot have it all, but this isn't about your needs it's about what's best for your child.

Yes yabu
Are you jealous?
I used to be a nanny
This is quite normal
You should be happy she’s affectionate

@gallopingfox I'm really hoping you're still reading this thread. My mum told me that she hired a nanny for me before I went to school. Like you she felt jealous of the nanny's relationship with me and ended up firing her (and others). She still believes this is a standard feeling and warned me that I would feel it too. I have 4 kids, 2 of which had full time nannies until I became a SAHM. I left my job, something I loved, because the first Nanny I had favoured one of my children over the other. In fact she positively disliked my eldest who turned out to be on the autism spectrum. Since then I've had various people help me and love my children. I have never felt jealousy at any of them, rather I've always felt relief that my children are surrounded by loving people. Meanwhile my mother is what we, her children, would call 'controlling/Needy'. Please go and chat to someone about this - fix it now, not for your child, but for you. That or (slightly tongue in cheek), have 4 kids because believe me its wonderful when someone steps in a provides love to the others so you can focus on one (or yourself)! Take care of yourself though. xx

I actually wonder if it's the other way round and she is showing them extra affection because you are there to make her look more attentive. Either way if you are uncomfortable with the contact you are fully within your rights to ask her to limit contact. However if the kids are happy and you are not concerned for their welfare I'd let them crack on.

OP, you are being vvvvvvvvvvvv unreasonable and very possibly a little jealous. The reason your DC isn't clingy is because they're getting lots of TLC from all angles. If you've no other concerns about the Nanny's behaviour/conduct, then back off. Alternatively, please let me have her contact details so I can employ her. I'm struggling to find a nanny that ticks all the boxes :/

What would you prefer, your nanny shouting NO!! All of the time, showing no affection at all?. Or being the way she is.She is a caring nanny. Be thankful,she is showing her true self. I have seen posts on social media, where the nannies, beat and scold the child, for being themselves. Be grateful that you have such a nanny.

Sorry OP. I can understand why you feel as you do, but kids need plenty of kisses, cuddles and all the rest of it. My DS2 goes to nursery and he gets that sort of love there. So you are being a bit unreasonable imo.

I've had to use someone as a nanny this year because I've been seriously ill and in treatment. And we were lucky enough to have DD's nursery key worker, whom she adores.

There is huge love and affection there. To me, it's a golden bonus. You can buy safe, competent, nurturing and stimulating childcare. You cannot buy love. No child ever suffered from too many people loving them, and at the age of two, that love being physical affection is absolutely essential to healthy and secure development, surely? The only issue would be if it was affection for the benefit of the adult and not welcomed by the child. But my DD gets love and cuddles and nurture from her nanny and it makes me happier than I can tell you, seeing that.

Again: you can't pay someone to love your child. If you've struck gold, and they do, I'd be thankful. I AM thankful.

I really am shocked at this post, when you go to work and leave your children with someone who steps into your role of looking after your precious children then you should be absolutely thrilled that they love them and look after them so well. In my time I've seen some awful nannies with their charges and your baby seems perfect. If she was cold towards your DC she would be slated for that too.

Be glad that you found a wonderful nanny and embrace the fact she responds to all their needs..

What well adjusted children you will have.