AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

[GallopingFox]

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

At nursery they make you sign a form to say if you consent to giving your little one a hug or similar affection if they hurt themselves etc.

I've used a few nurseries and none did this. I would sometimes arrive to find DC sat on key worker's lap. Both would also hug their YR teacher and get hugged back. I never signed a written consent for that! That would be insane!

YABU

Not much more to say really.

I worry that people feel they cannot hug/ cuddle a child anymore.

This! DDs wee pal fell in the playground on the way to breakfast club (his parent had literally just left, as he was feet from the door) and I instinctively scooped him up and he asked for a cuddle. So I gave him a cuddle and took him to the breakfast club ladies who took care of him. Turns out he lost one of his parents recently, he's only 5 and he wanted a "squeezy cuddle from a nice lady". I cried my eyes out before driving home.

Inadvertently you're beginning to sound v Downton Abbey. You surely don't mean that you'd want your dc's first words to be everyone and everything in the child's environment except the name of the person who has sole care of them 10 hours a day?

You don't have to sit the child down and teach them words. That's not how learning a language works. Every time you pick up your dc and say 'Come to Mummy' or 'Mummy's getting your lunch' or whatever, they're learning your name. It would be exactly the same for the Nanny, who I guess does what everyone else seems to do with babies and starts talking in the 3rd person.

Really, there seems to. be a creeping paranoia on this thread. There's nothing 'off' about 'massaging' a baby's feet. Don't you do that when there's a shoe-less toddler on your lap. It's natural, like stroking a cat.

We have a nanny who adores our children and is very affectionate with them....and sometimes I mentally wrestle with the affection they clearly have for each other. I realise this is a manifestation of my guilt at leaving them and going to work. Its hard but if your child is having a nurturing relationship with their nanny that mirrors your own that is a good thing and doesn't diminish your role as a mum.

PS @Witchend, if I hadn't been able to be a SAHM, you are the kind of nanny I would have wanted for my DC. I had a cleaner, Louise, when my DC were small (sadly had to stop when I gave up my job). She adored the DC, and they adored her. One of DD's first words was "Looloo". The DC are now 15 and 17 and are still in touch with Looloo. DS is 18, and one of his nicest early memories is Looloo scooping him up in her arms to take him in out of the rain. How can this ever be a bad thing?

I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after

This is literally the only thing that matters in your post. Get over yourself and be glad you've got such a great nanny for your child.

Final comment from me. When DC1 started school (last term of Reception), he spent every break time sitting on the teacher's lap, while she cuddled him. I am still grateful to her for this. Small children need it.

This is about you OP and your insecurities not the nanny. Small dc need physical affection, you yourself give it, when you are not in the caring role the person doing that role should do it.
Depriving your dc of this because of your internal conflicts wouldn't be fair on them.

I'm a cm and my firm view is that young children need to feel safe, loved and important to someone.

Your nanny is doing a fantastic job. She's not trying to replace you but she IS doing her job properly and I hope you can take our comments on board. X

Children need physical affection. Your nanny is doing nothing wrong - she clearly loves your child. You are lucky. Would you rather your child spend all day with a rigorous Victorian governess who never touched him?

You are jealous, which is natural. But this is not about you, it's about your child's well-being - and your nanny is contributing to it. A child cannot have too much love in his or her life.

And don't worry - you are still the mother, and your child won't be confused about that.

I'm a nanny - for a newborn baby and a girl who I've had since she was 2.5yrs

I'm affectionate with them both. Obviously the baby needs cuddles, and I'll make the kiss noises at him ..
The girl hugs me, I'll kiss her on her head, we have cuddles on the sofa watching tv, she holds my hand when we eat dinner ....

The only thing I won't do is kiss her on her lips - that to me feels wrong - crossing a boundary that I'm not comfortable with.

I treat her as if she were my own child - which I have btw - I want her to be happy & confident when she's with me; after all I'm coming into her home, her space and looking after her while her parents are away.

I'm not trying to replace her parents, I'm giving her care and affection when her parents aren't there.
Her mum has never said not too; in fact they say they are lucky to have found me!
However, I feel lucky to have them as my work family!

I think you're coming across jealous

@BlackType

@SandyY2K or you may opt for nursery at 3 years old, so they interact with other children and have some structure to their day

So children who are looked after by a SAHM or a nanny don't interact with other children or have any structure to their days?

I guess it depends on the type of SAHM you are and who your friends are, but it certainly isn't as structured as a nursery.

My friends were all working, so if I'd have been a SAHM my DC wouldn't have had regular interaction with other DC during the day.

I believe a nursery setting provides more structure for a child. They will interact with more than one or two kids...a whole range to kids from diverse backgrounds. Unlike with your own friends who are likely to be similar to you/them.

I opted to have my DC in nursery from the age of 2 and not a childminder, because I wanted their daily vocabulary extended through interacting with more ppl and for them to be able to do a range of activities that the nursery provides.

Nurseries are regulated by OFSTED and as such it provides some structure for the pre school learning. I'd much rather leave that to qualified staff.

I would also add that friends who teach have said kids who were in nursery settle quicker in reception class than those who have not had a similar structure.

I have a personal assistant/ carer/ Mother’s help, who has worked in our family for eight years. My children were very little when she first came to work for me and she has always been incredibly affectionate and loving with my dc! She left briefly and it was awful, my kids and I really missed her! Thankfully she missed us too and asked to return to her position with us.

Jealousy is such a bitter emotion and it really concerns me that you are taking simple affection and trying to make others see it as sinister! Do you want us to say this (what sounds a loving and caring) young woman is a paedophile? Why are you trying to vilify her? That is incredibly insidious behaviour and incredibly vindictive! Why are you having dark thoughts like that when you are describing normal affection between a main care giver and a child?

Please do not talk like this to anyone in real life, you could potentially ruin a young woman’s reputation, when she has done nothing more than care for and show affection to your very young child!

My children love my carer, children don’t have or know the boundaries between an employer and employee! They just love who they love!

As a nanny, I'm really pleased to see how this thread has gone, lots of support for us.
I see a lot of negativity on mumsnet around nannies and it often makes me sad.

I have been a nanny for about 8 years now. I remember and love all of the children I've cared for. I am still in touch with all of them. The parents I have worked for love the bond I have with the children. I'm never ever going to replace the parents. I look after lots of children so it would never be as if the children are the centre of my world. A couple of the families I've worked for refer to me as an auntie or similar to their DC.
If a parent asked me not to cuddle their children apart from when they are hurt then I'd hand my notice in. It does against everything I've learnt about children.
I've grown to be quite an attachment sort of caregiver, we use slings a lot and the kids are never short of kisses and cuddles from me.
I am very understanding that it is difficult for parents, but you will always come first to your DC.

Also, as blunt as it is. You have a full time nanny. If you want to spend time with your child then you need to give up work. If you need to work and don't want your DC to have a 1:1 bond then send them to nursery where they are cared for by more than one person. But I'd better tell you, they'll give hugs there.

I'm glad you asked, OP, and I'm glad you've had the responses you received and have taken them on board. I don't think any child was ever harmed by being loved too much.

I opted to have my DC in nursery from the age of 2 and not a childminder, because I wanted their daily vocabulary extended through interacting with more ppl and for them to be able to do a range of activities that the nursery provides. you know this isn't true, right?
In a busy nursery environment, children have to listen and take in so much more, it's busy and there are lots going on. They are no more likely to learn more words at nursery than they are with a nanny or a childminder.

@SandyY2K There are many things which I would consider to be wrong with your post. I can, though, assure you that you would have found other friends via toddler groups etc, had you been a SAHM. I met some of my very best friends that way. As for language skills: it was always very striking to me that the most articulate small children were those who had either a SAHP or a nanny. But if you want to believe that nurseries for small children are a good idea, that's your prerogative.

I don't want to de-rail this thread, so suffice it to say that the OP's nanny sounds fantastic.

blacktype this 100%. Thank you!

Children have SO many years of formal schooling ahead of them. Why force them in to a structure when there isn't a need?

I think after a full year of her spending 50 hours a week with your DC means a normal person would feel affection. You say yourself you're a tactile parent so it won't be weird to her at all.

You're within your rights to say what you want as you are paying however it does seem like you a bit jealous and it wouldn't surprise me if she left to look after a family who appreciated how good she was. Why you think it's fine for your child to receive no physical love for the majority of their week, simply because you're not there to give it, I have no idea.

@Noonooyou You are so, so right. I was fortunate enough to have been able to be at home with my own DC when they were small. But if I hadn't been, I'd have wanted a nanny like you.

My jaw genuinely dropped when I read this OP. You are lucky enough to have a nanny that seems to genuinely love your DC and you are complaining about it!

Do you know how rare this is? I was a SAHM who did some nannying for a friend in an area with mostly nannies so I mixed with a lot of them at parks/play dates etc. In all those years I only knew one nanny who loved her charges and treated them that way. The rest were all competent, friendly, even vaguely affectionate and professional ( 95% of the time), but never loving. That particular nanny left when the oldest child was about 8 and they were all at school full time but she is still in touch with the children now (they are all in their twenties) and is like a big sister/aunt to them. They were bridesmaids at her wedding, they used to do overnights with her in school holidays and now babysit her own kids. She is a much loved member of the extended family.

Your nanny loving your child won’t usurp you or take anything from you but it will make your child’s time apart from you much easier. You should be counting your blessings not wasting energy on jealousy.

It must be really hard OP but you liken it to a nursery worker kissing on the lips but your Nanny doesn't do this of course that's a line. Your DC is only two little ones need hugs and affection. My DS had a favourite key worker at nursery was I jealous of course untill he split his lip totally by accident at nursery could not get to him quick enough. His response to a really bad cut was ah well 'keyworker' cleaned it up I OK! He loved her doesn't remember her now at six I do I was a mess you are lucky OP.

Inadvertently
...I would want and encourage their first words to be those of their family, extended family, pets, articles in their environment etc.

When babies start to talk they are usually taught words 'mummy', 'daddy' etc. So are you saying the parents taught the child to say your name or did you teach the child to say your name?

What strange notions.

And here comes the inevitable sniping about the differences between nursery and nanny/SAHM. Let’s face it, the majority of people can’t afford a nanny, or afford to quit their job.
All three of my kids have survived nursery and still learnt how to speak english and all are affectionate children.

To the OP- she sounds fantastic. If you are honestly worried about any untoward behaviour then fair enough, but otherwise, try to rein it in yourself before you lose a good employee.