AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

[GallopingFox]

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

[Marilynmansonsthermos]

Just a thought, perhaps she was trying to impress you because you were at home that week. Maybe she was trying to show how kind she is to the child, and went a bit ott.

[Tiredtessy]

I think it’s lovely how much she loves your DC, I admit I might have felt a bit jeleous maybe? But she clearly adores your child and that isn’t always easy to find!

[Stormtrooper676]

OP I used to care for 2.5 year old twins, both raised by other nannies from birth prior me due to the mother having high powered job and basically a refusal to give it up to raise her children (which she required IVF to have).
I cared for them from 6am till supposedly 6pm however this could be later if parents worked late. I adored those kids like they were my own, I showered them with love and affection and experienced alot with them that the parents missed, I only got 1 weekend off a month but was always moaned at by the mother for not being there when the children were upset or sick and wanted me !? When the mother arrived home on time, she would insist I told her what I had done minute by minute with the children and what meals they ate (anything left I had to explain why they didn't eat it). I had to do an activity plan aswell and explain myself why we didn't do exactly that thing. It was a nightmare but it was my job was to care for them and did it 110%.
In the end she couldn't handle having a live in nanny especially a young one like me (I was 20) as her jealousy of our bond was too much, I never tried to be their mother but it would have been wrong not to care for them like they were my own. I hoped her asking me to leave was so she could do more herself, it didn't she just employed someone else, living out, barely speaking English and had little to no interaction with the children so they became more engaged with each other (I was in contact with the father a couple of times after I left). what I'm saying is, be careful what you wish for, you might not like the alternative

[SandyY2K]

My only concern would be if I felt she was faking the affection and was different when I wasn't there.

As long as your child is happy and is well looked after, you dont have anything to worry about.

Remember that the time with the Nanny is limited...aged 4 and school starts...or you may opt for nursery at 3 years old, so they interact with other children and have some structure to their day.

[TowerRavenSeven]

Yabu I’m afraid all part and parcel of having a main care giver.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

At nursery they make you sign a form to say if you consent to giving your little one a hug or similar affection if they hurt themselves etc.

Our nursery doesn’t do this and neither did the one before. I’d have been stunned to ask to give consent for this. Now I understand that there are parents who would be difficult about it. Consent should come from the child. Any sensitive care giver can ascertain what a little person wants in terms of physical affection.

[SirVixofVixHall]

The more people to love a child the better in my book. Your baby will be happier, better adjusted emotionally and all round better off with a warm, affectionate and loving nanny than a cooler more distant one. She isn’t replacing you, your dc won’t love her more than you. Surely having a nanny who genuinely feels affection for your child is a wonderful thing ?

[ArgusFilchsCat]

Wow OP. A lot of people are naturally affectionate, I love kids and am as affectionate with my god children as my own DC and nieces/nephews. Its normal behaviour. Its almost as if you are jealous of their relationship? Her behaviour will do your DC more good than a cold arms length approach would.

[BettysLeftTentacle]

You can’t teach a child their first word. Their first word is going to be entirely dependant on how their language is developing and what word they hear the most of and see in context. If a child hears ‘Nanny’ and sees Nanny in conjunction with the word more than they see/hear ‘Mama’, then it is more than reasonable that ‘Nanny’ will be their first word.

The bottom line is, the majority of young children need that level of affection from their caregivers to thrive. It’s a proven fact as already sourced up thread. To deprive a young child of affection from someone that is their main caregiver would be damaging to their growth.

OP, as mothers we make tough decisions, especially when it comes down to working vs staying at home and a lot of the time we’re backed into a corner as to what choices we make which is hard to take. From your posts it sounds like your nanny recognises your young child’s needs and is fulfilling her duties as their care provider.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

I really understand where you are coming from, as I think the majority of posters on this thread do. It's the wanting your child to be cared for perfectly in your absence versus the wrenching jealousy that you can't be there.

I had exactly that - I was overseas, DD's father had left and I was on a work permit so had to return to work after six weeks. I found a brilliant nursery, great ration of staff to babies, Etc. I had no doubts. I specifically recall DD's christening when she was a year old - I was holding her in the church and she was holding her arms out to the nursery main caregiver and saying "Soo soo" (Susan). I realised then that, although like many others I had no choice, the cost was that DD had spent more waking hours with Soo soo than with me.

[Sproutsandall]

Op, I get it, I really do. My little one has a childminder who she adores, and as we live in a small village, we’re often at the same events together. I admit I do get jealous and hurt when I see my DC going to the CM for cuddles when I’m standing right there.
However, I remind myself that I’m the parent in this situation and that I’m lucky to have a CM who likes my child as much as she likes her.
It’s hard as a mother to feel like this, but you have to put your own feelings aside and think about what’s best for your child. And having a caregiver who is physically affectionate is much better for your child than one who is not.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

You sound jealous and YADBU.

[HomeMadeMadness]

Bloody hell YADBU. Your DD spends most of her waking hours with this woman during and she's still at an age where she needs to feel loved by the person looking after her. You would be stunting her development if you deprived her of that (surely that's why you employ a nanny instead of using a nursery.

[ballsdeep]

I thi k it's fantastic. My Los childminder always gives him kisses and hugs when she sees him in the morning and leaving in the eve. I thibk its great they have that relationship and she loves him. Thi k of the alternative. 1

[HomeMadeMadness]

Just to be clear I don't think people who use a nursery are stunting their child's development - just that having a bond with the caregiver is incredibly important for child development and having the same caregiver's undivided attention is why some people choose a nanny over nursery.

[PinkGlitter123]

I would much rather have a nanny who was affectionate than one that was indifferent.
Also consider that she may be wanting to make a good impression on you to show how much she cares for your child if you are around. She may just be overdoing it to make sure you know how good she is at the job.

If your kid didn't like it she would move away.

[anunseemlylovefordustin]

My daughter goes to nursery two days a week and will literally hold her arms out to go to her key worker for cuddles (from being held in my arms) when I drop her off. I LOVE that. It means that another adult is loving and affectionate towards - and entirely trusted by - my child, when I can't be with her. Why would you want anything different?!

[Shazafied]

My little girl LOVES her childminder , runs up to her, jumps into her arms and nuzzles her and the CM is always kissing her. I often go to collect DD to find her snuggled into childminders lap having her legs rubbed whilst reading a book. I am delighted about it. I want her to be hugged when I’m not there and have a close bond with her care giver, no jealousy whatsoever.

As you have said the nanny is highly professional and great in many ways, she sounds like a total keeper. I think she’s be extremely offended and taken aback if you asked her to be less affectionate. She clearly cares for your DC a great deal and is an affectionate / tactile person.

[SunshineCake]

This is so sad.

I used to be a nanny and was very close to all my charges. One parent asked me to leave after two years before the child got too attached to me. Too late. Was very close with working six days a week for 12 hours.

Another child was my page boy.

I did bend the truth a little to be mindful of the parents feelings. I wouldn't have told them if I was the one seeing them crawl or walk for the first time and I wouldn't tell them I'd heard their first word before them but loving them, caring for them, being affectionate, it all cake naturally and was fine.

[Excited101]

Your attitude is disgusting, you have no idea what you’re talking about. Get rid of your wonderful nanny, give her a blindingly good reference and find someone cold to deal with your child the Victorian way. Your nanny deserves better, it’s a shame you don’t want better for your child also.

[nokidshere]

In this day and age of everyone being terrified or "not allowed" to touch the children in their care it's rather nice to hear that your nanny clearly loves your child and has no issues at all with showing them that.

I've worked as a nanny, in hospitals, in schools and nurseries and now at home as a childminder. I have looked after children from when they were babies till secondary school age. I treat them absolutely how I would like others to treat my children. Lots of love, hugs, cuddles, playfulness.

It's sad that you are feeling a bit jealous but you need to remember (and sorry for repeating myself) that in the 40yrs I have been in childcare never once has a child wanted me over it's parent. It just doesn't work like that. If you tell your nanny that you feel she is being too affectionate (except lip kissing which is your decision) you will lose her.

[Graphista]

Former nanny & childminder here. Over 30 years experience looking after other people's babies and children.

Anyone with experience of children this age knows physical affection is important to their security and development.

She is doing her job nothing more.

You seem jealous and resentful, which I suspect comes from guilt and insecurity.

I'm not saying you should feel guilty as whether a parent works or doesn't etc has pros and cons for the children as well as the mother.

But I acknowledge many working mums feel guilt. I've been a working mum to a young child myself and felt that way but you're deflecting.

If you raise this with her you will be unreasonable and could well lose an excellent nanny.

This is your issue for you to work on.

It's not easy, but you do really need to remember your child loves you and loves you more, but that doesn't mean they can't love others too.

Children have a lot of love to give there's plenty to go around. He will benefit from such a good carer and that will benefit your relationship too because you know he's safe, loved and properly cared for and he knows that the person you've chosen to care for him is fab and someone he feels safe with.

It's totally normal to have times when you hate being a working mum and miss him and envy her time with him.

But don't punish her - and by extension him - for your insecurities.

You're a good mum, you've chosen an excellent nanny, your child is well cared for by you both.

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

At nursery they make you sign a form to say if you consent to giving your little one a hug or similar affection if they hurt themselves etc.

Having dealt with a few nurseries (3 DC 2 DSDs) I have never heard of this.

DS2 scraped his knee at nursery today. The accident form stated treatment was "antiseptic wipe and plaster, and a reassuring cuddle". Because kids, especially little kids, want and need affection. I want the people who care for my kids to meet their needs. That's what your nanny is doing, what you pay her for. To meet your child's needs when you aren't there.

You chose this, why are you so angry with her when she's doing what you wanted?

[BlackType]

@SandyY2K or you may opt for nursery at 3 years old, so they interact with other children and have some structure to their day

So children who are looked after by a SAHM or a nanny don't interact with other children or have any structure to their days?

Give me strength.

I was a SAHM, and had friends who were nannies. I can assure you that there was plenty of time for interaction with other children, and that we didn't just let the days slip by in an 'unstructured' fashion.

OP, @SirVixofVixHall is right when she says The more people to love a child the better in my book. It is quite mad to want your DC to be looked after for the huge majority of the time by someone who doesn't kiss, cuddle, tickle them. The fact is that nobody can ever replace you, but your nanny is closer to your DC than you purely in the number of hours spent together. So it would be very, very wrong to deny them an integral part of their relationship.

[Bibijayne]

She sounds wonderful. I do hope that when my DS goes into nursery he is given cuddles. He loves cuddles (not just from me and his dad, who he gets plenty from). I worry that people feel they cannot hug/ cuddle a child anymore.