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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

390 replies

GallopingFox · 25/04/2019 18:50

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

OP posts:

QueenofmyPrinces · 26/04/2019 20:20

As long as you aren't asthmatic, don't have a greenhouse and the nanny doesn't have a habit of wandering round in the rain wearing a nightie, then just think yourself lucky you've found someone who cares about your child.

Pegasus12 · 26/04/2019 20:27

Can I try to reassure you without saying you’re unreasonable?

If you work full-ish time you have many years of childcare to come. And probably you will, like me, have several different nannies each with their own ways and foibles. Because they’re human. Believe me you will get more used to it. It’s genuinely a sharing balance. But nannies come and go and you stay. The affection between them is current, and healthy. When your DC is 12, say, this nanny may be long gone but you will still be mum. It’s not a power struggle. In the end.

On a day to day basis though you will need to chill out and be a bit accepting. My kids would tell you of their 6 nannies, some are tidier than others. Some more affectionate some more distant. Some more strict. Some cook better than others. They get something from each of them.

For your own sanity over the next 10 years you can’t micro manage a person who you give the keys of your house to and the care of your child. You have to trust them to develop their own style with your kids.

The problem I think is you’ve been at home with the nanny. Really hard. It makes you feel redundant and them feel awkward.

Good luck OP. When you are coming out the other end with a teenager who grunts at you at best and definitely doesn’t want anyone cuddling them or going anywhere near their personal space, let alone their hair (!!) you will wonder what you worried about.

But at the time I worried and wondered all the time. x

Supermum29 · 26/04/2019 20:30

My DD has a very close relationship with her childminder at this age and younger. I think at that age comfort is what they are used to!

You seem to have found yourself a good nanny don’t spoilt it and risk losing her because of your own insecurities. The chances of finding another that have a bond with your child like that will be very slim and you’ll more than likely regret it!

Kath246 · 26/04/2019 20:47

You're jealous someone who looks after your child is showing her affection? Isn't that in the best interest of the child??

You think your child should seek out affection before its given??

You're clueless!

Don't say anything and be grateful.

ahtellthee · 26/04/2019 20:50

Give your heid a shake

Coldandfrosty · 26/04/2019 20:56

Nanny sounds like a total bitch.

Sack her now and hire a robot

Jollygolly · 26/04/2019 20:58

I love this thread...
My little contribution is .. dum, dum, dum.... why would DD go to the nanny when DD mother is present..?? If mummy was as affectionate as she says she is then surely DD wouldn't even be in the nannys company... DD would be next to mummy in mummys sick bed...???

Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 26/04/2019 20:58

Haven't read all of the comments on here but the ones I have read have been quite harsh to OP.

I used to babysit and I was very affectionate with the babies and children I cared for, it never crossed my mind that their parents might not be happy with it.

Now I have my own child, I know I would feel exactly the same in your shoes but I also wouldn't have a nanny. I don't think you can ask her to be less loving towards your child but maybe you could reduce the number of hours she works, in order to get more time with your little one and feel less pushed out? I feel for you because seeing another woman 'mothering' your child must go against every instinct you have but it seems like she is doing it out of love and a passion for childcare which is really a positive thing.

Could you seek support to deal with your own feelings about this? It sounds like she is doing exactly what she's paid to do and maybe a little reframing of the situation would help you.

Jollygolly · 26/04/2019 21:00

Also.... high five to the user going by the name of Terrywoganspenis .. take it you're only little ..?? Heehee...

KittyInTheCradle · 26/04/2019 21:07

I disagree with the other people answering - if you're uncorfortable with the way ANYONE acts physically towards your kids, that's completely your right to act on it!

MdNdD · 26/04/2019 21:12

When I hired a nanny for my kids I chose someone who loved them and was super affectionate (yet firm). They adored her, she adored them. They are still close and when they see each other have a nice bond - hugs and kisses and fun. I wanted them to get lots of love and care during the day. But everyone is different. Having a nanny is tough. I recall many things that I found difficult, like one of my boys taking his lunch time nap on her lap / chest when he was three. But I rationalised it by telling myself he was happier there than being on a thin mat in a stinky day care nursery! Good luck!

Lypajolu · 26/04/2019 21:14

Hi I've only read the first dozen or so but I really cannot understand why NOBODY seems to be getting the point that's it's not that OP is worried about her DC getting love and affection from the nanny but it's the fact that the nanny is actively seeking the contact and affection. OP is not suggesting there anything sexual I think OP is more concerned about the emotion fulfilment that the nanny is looking for from the DC???

MdNdD · 26/04/2019 21:15

Just to add, i didn’t feel the affection or closeness impacted the kids’ relationship with me.

Aroundtheworldandback · 26/04/2019 21:20

Everything Kath246 said. Be grateful your kids are loved by the person caring for them, would you prefer the opposite??

Mamalicious89 · 26/04/2019 21:23

OP I'm not with the majority here. I haven't read the whole thread but your feelings are there for a reason. If you feel uncomfortable then you can't change that and it's for a reason. I reckon I would feel the same in your position.
I'm sure the nanny is very lovely etc etc but if you don't want her being overly affectionate with your kids, you have every right to have that conversation with her. Maybe just be prepared for a shift in atmosphere and dynamic around your house.
We all have lines we don't want crossed- this is your one.

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/04/2019 21:25

but it's the fact that the nanny is actively seeking the contact and affection.

No, it isn’t fact. It’s OP’s interpretation of events. Or perhaps misinterpretation. It’s a bit like the wronged wife blaming the OW when DH has an affair. It’s more comfortable for OP to think her child is being forced to put up with strokes and cuddles rather than admit that he loves his nanny.

MrMakersFartyParty · 26/04/2019 21:27

I know you're feeling jealous but the thing is she is the main carer not you, that might be horrible to have to accept but it's true. They spend more time together and have a lovely bond.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/04/2019 21:28

"I'm sure the nanny is very lovely etc etc but if you don't want her being overly affectionate with your kids, you have every right to have that conversation with her. Maybe just be prepared for a shift in atmosphere and dynamic around your house.
We all have lines we don't want crossed- this is your one."

But that's very selfish!
What about the interests of the child?

SW11supernanny · 26/04/2019 21:30

The idea that you are "not paying your nanny to give physical affection" is quite frankly, alarming. Evidently you are jealous to be witnessing this interaction, but the Nanny is doing absolutely nothing wrong.

The best caregivers are ones that treat children as if they are their own. The alternative is a nanny who is constantly on her phone / clock watching / not very engaged and just doing her job for the money - yet what you have is someone who genuinely cares for your children.

Whilst I understand that the Nanny-Parent relationship can be tense at times, you really have to stop and consider what you want from a caregiver. If you have made the choice to employ a nanny, think of what is in your child's best interests and maybe be grateful you have found someone so loving.

I have been sacked in the past because a mother got too jealous of my relationship with her children. I found a new role with someone at the same school but the sad reality was that this happened with every nanny the children had and they ended up with a very unstable situation where nannies were replaced every few months as the mother couldn't let go of her guilt and feeling jealous of everyone.

Not here to make judgements on whether someone should or shouldn't have a nanny, but if you do, finding someone who treats your children like their own is the real goal. You will never be replaced as a mother and instead maybe should consider talking to someone about the jealousy you are experiencing.

Let's give a shout out to all the other nannies who seem to be overlooked and underappreciated!

Beautga · 26/04/2019 21:45

To Tiger tooth i had a very sucessful career that i was able to retire at 56.I also never had a nanny for my children

KittyInTheCradle · 26/04/2019 22:37

It's weird to me that so many on this thread seem to blindly trust the motives and support the behaviour that is making this kids mum uncomfortable by seeking affection from the kids...

She could be just a wonderful nanny working for a jealous mother, but who are we to judge that?

Isn't it better to follow your instincts about these things? Obviously if this is a recurring issue for you it could be you. But why people are so quick to jump to conclusions about this, I'm not so sure... Would they say the same if the nanny was male?

ClaireScot · 26/04/2019 23:14

Are you insecure and jealous in general? It seems like you are looking for an excuse to make her leave, which will likely traumatise your child. Others are right in that the language you are using is quite sexualised. There is something odd about what is going on and it make me uncomfortable that you brought money into it. I hope things work out for the best for all concerned.

Jinxed2 · 26/04/2019 23:15

Ahh what a shame you feel like this!

I work in a nursery. I often ruffle hair and give cuddles!

Planetian · 26/04/2019 23:30

To those who think the OP’s “instincts” are making her uncomfortable for a reason and that she should “follow them” she explicitly stated: “They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.”

This isn’t about the nanny/child relationship - it’s about the mother/nanny dynamic.

rainbowlou · 26/04/2019 23:34

I was a nanny for a family with 2 very young children (pre nursery) and worked 8-6 every day, I remember one evening the children clinging to my legs and crying for me not to go when I was leaving for home and their mum became so cross with me!
We then had a chat and I asked her would she prefer that or them crying when I arrived every morning and her leaving them feeling upset with me..things got better and we are all, years on still very good friends.
I now work with children in a different capacity but often give hugs when needed!
It broke my heart when my 5 year old hurt himself quite badly at school and told me nobody hugged him because they weren’t allowed

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