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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

390 replies

GallopingFox · 25/04/2019 18:50

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 26/04/2019 18:03

I suspect the issue is that as you are at home ill at the moment, your children and nanny are carrying on as normal and your children are turning to her for help, support and affection instead of you. I understand that this would hurt.

Beautga · 26/04/2019 18:09

The answer in your own hand Stop farming your child out and bring her up yourself.Are you working because you need to or for yourself for luxuries you could do without.You can't have your cake and eat it

Arscal · 26/04/2019 18:14

My decision on nursery was made when I saw one of the staff rocking and cuddling one of the babies the way I would one of mine at home. I loved the thought of my children getting a lovely cuddle when I was away at work.
So sorry, another one saying YANU. I think you are lucky to have found a loving, caring nanny.

TigerTooth · 26/04/2019 18:15

I don't think the nanny is doing anything wrong, she sounds perfect but if I were in your shoes I would be jealous to witness the bond.
My mother was full time carer to all of mine whilst I worked so it didn't bother me that they adored her, but I wouldn't have been able to control the green eyed monster if it hadn't been my mum they adored.
All you can do is remember that they are happy and its you who are mummy forever.

Captaindinosaur56 · 26/04/2019 18:16

Seriously? Get a grip. I would be thrilled that my children have a lovely affectionate nanny. What a bloody stupid problem to have. I suppose you’ve also noticed this because you’re around them all the time, go away. The last thing a nanny needs is the parents circling her all day as it gets in they way of her job. Go get busy with something else and stop being bloody ridiculous.

Fowles94 · 26/04/2019 18:17

If you work in any care work you are untimately their friend/family. You are spending time with this individual whilst others are not. The whole point of a nanny is hes nurtured when you are unavailable.

Nearly47 · 26/04/2019 18:18

I think you are understandably jealous but be grateful she cares so much about your child. Young children benefit for this kind of affection. They will grow attached to the nanny and all miss them if they go. That's the pro/con of having a nanny depending on how you see it.

Jessie94 · 26/04/2019 18:19

Hi, I'm a nanny.
This is the way a lot of us work. We love our careers and we love the families we work with.
I think it's fantastic that your nanny hasn't changed the way she works just because you're around more at the moment.

It's also fantastic that she just automatically shows your child so much affection without then having to seek it out or ask for it.
There are many studies that show the more physical appropriate affection a child had, the bigger their brain physically grows.

If you're at home a lot, why not get involved a little more? Or give the nanny a half day so you and your child can have some special one on one time?

TigerTooth · 26/04/2019 18:20

Beautga Fri 26-Apr-19 18:09:31
The answer in your own hand Stop farming your child out and bring her up yourself.Are you working because you need to or for yourself for luxuries you could do without.You can't have your cake and eat it

Why so nasty? Op has opened up her worries and displayed her vulnerabilities and you have to stick the knife in? why? There could be many many reasons why she can't stop work right now - she doesn't need your nasty little judgements on that. Perhaps you're just jealous because you've never had a career? couldn't afford a nanny?

See Op - how lucky you are? You could have a nanny with a disposition like that of Beautga!!!

Devonishome1 · 26/04/2019 18:22

Really??????????
Your Nanny deserves to go to a family who will appreciate her. She sounds completely amazing. You on the other hand sound completely jealous of the relationship between them.

Yerazig · 26/04/2019 18:26

I’m a nanny and I love a cuddle with the children I look after, but I generally work 50+hours with the children I look after so it just all comes naturally. You should be happy that it seems like you’ve got a lovely nanny who your child is happy with. It’s just jealously on your part, just don’t let that blindside you in harbouring these feelings against a nanny that seems great.

ssd · 26/04/2019 18:31

Op I think you aren't taking into account how close a nanny can become to the kids they look after. It's just like any other relationship, some kids you click with and others you don't. I used to be a nanny and there was a couple of kids I really adored and I missed them when I left. Your nanny must click with your child, what a brilliant thing for both of them. Of course as mum this is hard to watch but you must remember no one will ever overtake you or become more important than you to your dc and this is the lady thing your nanny will want anyway. To her she's got a job she enjoys and that makes her happy but she leaves it at the door at home time. To you and your dc, you have someone decent and caring and treating your child well, whilst respecting you as the most important figure in her little charges life.
Have a cuppa with your nanny, you are lucky to have each other and a nice kid to share, in working hours only.

ssd · 26/04/2019 18:32

Sorry last thing your nanny would want as above

Papersizes · 26/04/2019 18:33

Long time reader, never posted before. I love this website, it gives a different perspective on things. And it also serves to remind me some people are just out of their minds.
Someone showing too much affection to your child, cry me a river.

ssd · 26/04/2019 18:34

Don't be mean papersizes, the op is asking advice, no need to get snarky.

HeyNannyNanny · 26/04/2019 18:35

Another Nanny here.
Children crave affection from the caregivers, particularly in a home setting.
So long as she isn't forcing affection onto an unwilling child, she's not doing anything wrong!

LagunaBubbles · 26/04/2019 18:37

My point is my DC doesn’t really seek out the affection but my nanny just gives it to her spontaneously

So what? What are you trying to imply?

HeyNannyNanny · 26/04/2019 18:37

Oh yeah, and we get sacked for this shit a lot.

A LOT

Catsinthecupboard · 26/04/2019 18:38

Children need affection even when parents aren't home. What a lonely, cold world your dc would have if only given cuddles by you, when you're home.

I understand your envy, but your child will not understand the loss of genuine affection if you tell your nanny to stop.

My mother was a single mother until i was about 4yo. My father told her to stop cuddling me bc i was "too big to hold." I was devastated. I hated him.

I was a sahm. I saw nannies pushing dc up the street while dc were screaming and crying and nannies continued conversation, ignoring their charges.

I rescued more than one child in the local pool bc the nanny was ignoring them and the dc recognized me from school and followed my dc and me out to deeper end.
"Hi Mrs. Cupboard!" Glug! As their little head dipped under.

Yes, i would be upset. But i stayed home bc we wanted to be our dc's carers.

Your choice but think of how she will explain sudden loss of affection. Your dc WILL notice.

Papersizes · 26/04/2019 18:41

ssd you are right, I apologise.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/04/2019 18:41

"If it's true in all jobs then fair enough."

It's not true in all jobs. After the probation period, you can't sack someone without good reason. However, it would be very difficult to do anything about it if you have under 2 years service. After 2 years, in most jobs, you can enforce your employment rights and take your employer to a tribunal if you're sacked without good reason.

ssd · 26/04/2019 18:41

TBH I got sacked in the 80s for getting on too well with the little boy I nannied, me and him got on great and the parents didn't like it, when they sacked me the mum told me they were used to having a problem child who refused certain food and didn't sleep well, 3 months with me and he was eating all his foods happily and napping in the afternoon regularly. He just needed routine and kindness. They sacked me and I never understood why. I get it now.
Don't make the same mistake op.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/04/2019 18:44

"DD has similar colouring to her nanny and they adore each other. they get mistaken for mum and child sometimes. "

The little girl my friend was looking after (and who looked similar to her) had actually told school that the nanny was her mum.

Rootvegetables · 26/04/2019 18:45

I was a nanny before and felt genuine affection for the children I looked after so we would hold hands etc very naturally. Now I'm a mother I can imagine feeling a bit like you do but I can't think what you would really gain from saying anything. In your first post you said you know they are totally safe and well looked after so if this affection isn't making you worried about anything then I think you need to just let it go. I think you might just create an odd atmosphere as I think the nanny might be offended

Tomkinz · 26/04/2019 18:48

As long as you aren't asthmatic, don't have a greenhouse and the nanny doesn't have a habit of wandering round in the rain wearing a nightie, then just think yourself lucky you've found someone who cares about your child.

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