AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

[GallopingFox]

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

Wow I'm shocked at this post, you're so lucky to have found someone that loves your dc , it really smacks of jealousy on your part and if you don't want to lose this nanny I'd keep your opinions to yourself cause I guarantee you'll be looking long and hard to find a replacement as good as this one sounds. And let me just add as another poster said I'd completely re word this post as it does sound like you're trying to insinuate something untoward? if you really did think something untoward was happening well posting on here won't help it'd be the police you'd be speaking to, just saying!!

Big hugs OP, it must be really difficult to be away from your DC when you are away (I am at university so I am away a lot and totally understand). You want to feel like the main carer, which you are but your DC spends a lot of time with the nanny and will have a good bond. I don't think it it is anything to worry about but trust your instincts. X

I would much rather have a nanny who was affectionate with my children than a stand offish one, I think its a bit of the old green eyed monster coming out

I get the feeling that you wouldn't have posted here if you didn't have a bad gut feeling. When I learnt baby massage we were taught to ask the baby (our own) if they were ok. I think you're worry is based on her seeming to demand he sit on her lap and that she's seemingly constantly touching him, rather than him seeking out cuddles. The foot massage and lap thing seem weird to me, and I'd be uncomfortable about someone doing that, even possibly with their own child.

OP, if something is making you uncomfortable then you possibly need to change to a Nanny whose behaviour you find easier to cope with. It seems that the rest of Mumsnet would be happy to offer your current one employ and you need to consider your mental health on the issue.

There's lots of instances that teachers get called mum, even at secondary level. Much cause for ribbing there.

What is it about this dynamic that makes you feel uncomfortable?
Do you sense your DC is uncomfortable with it or that the affection is stifling him in some way? Do you worry how it may affect your DC when she eventually leaves?
Or is it bringing up a deeper personal anxiety?
If the latter maybe enquire into that a bit more. But don’t be too hard on yourself, I should imagine a lot of parents go through some emotions and uncomfortableness when witnessing their Nanny showing love and affection to their DC. But if she’s taking good care of your DC and giving them love, try and see the beauty in that

You want to feel like the main carer, which you are but your DC spends a lot of time with the nanny and will have a good bond.

I think what you have to accept- certainly with young children - that in these sort of scenarios the nanny is the main carer, because she spends a much larger percentage of the child’s waking hours with him than anyone else. Accordingly, affection is key!

YABU

🙄

I think you're BU if I'm honest. And if I was to put myself in your shoes I would probably have asked for justification of my jealously too. There is nothing wrong with being jealous of your nanny. But the thing is... a child needs love and a second bond with their caregivers. And if your nanny is looking after your LO full time, she is going to be your LO's primary caregiver/joint primary caregiver. Which, if you're reading my message, probably makes you feel awful (as it would me!!) Personally, I couldn't have a nanny as I would hate to see the attachment (and I couldn't be a nanny as I would form an attachment and be devastated when I left the family!!) but i didn't have a trailblazing job and was happy to go part time around my husband's job. But obviously I know it isn't that way for everyone and you obviously need or want to work which is fine but it means you need to accept that your child will have an attachment with someone else. Ultimately, being a mum is tough...there is guilt, jealously and tears at every turn. And I massively feel for you, but yes you were BU to say your nanny is OTT... x

I had a nanny as a child and loved her and she was affectionate,but once mum came home that's who I would run to. I was very aware who my mum was! Make sure you have lots of special time when you do see dc.

Do you feel it's inappropriate or just different to how you are with them?

As she is in close proximity with your child each day ,a natural bond develops.I actually worked in a nursery and children would often take a shine to one person in particular ,and have special one to one contact with their key worker.If as you say she is professional and good overall .I think you possibly feel a little put out which is natural really.Can you work a few less hours perhaps and have a little more time with your daughter ?.If not I think you have to accept this is part and parcel of working full time with someone else looking after your child Im afraid

I understand you feeling jealous. It’s hard to have to leave your child in the care of someone else and seeing the Nanny being affectionate towards your child in front of you must have made you feel a bit like your child doesn’t need you.
However as you are a tactile person your child probably needs affection when you’re not there and missed that in your absence. Your lovely Nanny recognising the need in your child has made your child feel safe and secure and happy in your absence. If you speak to her about it and withdraws her affection your DC will feel confused and rejected.
In a while your child will naturally want less cuddles and so it will sort itself out anyway. I’d try and suck it up and recognise that it’s not going to help your DC to tell her to show less affection to your DC. Xx

I'm a foster carer and as the child's main carer this is exactly what I do. Children cannot have too much love or affection. I think it's lovely that she's so affectionate towards your child

I feel sorry for your nanny although you have said you have no concerns regarding your child's welfare but are implying that she is crossing boundaries that would lead to a very immoral place. If I were this nanny and had even a suspicion that you thought I was doing what you are implying I wouldn't be hanging around.

Also have you considered that you are very affectionate and tactile with your child but you want her to do without when you aren't there purely for your own feelings. That would be hard to a child imo.

You are playing a premier for this type of childcare so possibly consider changing to a nursery where the 1:1 bond is lesser but where still get quality childcare.

I was a nanny for 20+ years and always had loving, affectionate relationships with the child I cared for. However, I was careful to be tactful around parents. If the parents were around, I'd encourage the child to spend time with them whilst I got on with other things. It's natural for parents to feel a little jealous.

Personally I think the OP is getting a hard time. Swap nanny with MIL and I bet there'd be a few different replies.

Yes you are being totally unreasonable !!! As a nanny of many years I have always cuddled and kissed my charges. Plus ruffled their hair etc . Why because I love them and care for them every day and on a daily basis that’s what you do . We do all
The horrid bits like pooey nappies, sick etc which are very personal , are you bothered about that? Or just the fact your child has a lovely relationship with the nanny. To me it means she takes her job seriously and is neutering your child into becoming a loving , well balanced adult

I would say that if it isn't affecting your relationship with DC & you are both still affectionate towards each other, then count it as a blessing she has someone who clearly cares so much for her.

It takes a village to raise a child & for them to be in a loving environment at all times can only be a good thing. Makes sure DC gets really quality with you when you are alone I would say.

As it's occasional kisses then I don't see a problem. And the head rub/feet thing is fine too.

If she was kissing dd all the time then I could see how that could be grating, not because of anything sinister but because it can be irritating for kids to be kissed all the time.

Does dd ever push back on the affection? If the nanny was overdoing it then I think your dd would push her away.

Also, you say dd doesn't go to her for cuddles, so why are you jealous?

Small children respond to love and affection. It helps them develop and grow mentally. If you do not want someone else to take this role you need to do it yourself. You have made he love and kindness sound aberrant.
I think that is reprehensible. You need to stop being jealous and either do Nanny's job or let her do hers.

I loved taking my little boy to the creche at work and seeing his keyworker grab him and cuddle him and see him giggle and snuggle into her. It made me feel a tiny bit better as a working mum. It still hurts me now, that he wanted Andrea and not me, when he hurt himself. Andrea, wherever you are now, thank you for being a star.

Wow whatever next wow wow wow

@ShowMeTheKittens

If you do not want someone else to take this role you need to do it yourself.

OP has to work, she can't be with her DD all the time

You need to stop being jealous and either do Nanny's job or let her do hers.

OP has acknowledged her jealousy in unreasonable, so don't rub it in. OP can't do the nanny's job because she;s out earning a living!

And there are other options. op CAN decide to tell nanny to cut back on the kisses or she can hire another nanny. At the end of the day, OP is the parent and the employer. To quote an MN cliche, her child, her rules.

As long as you aren't asthmatic, don't have a greenhouse and the nanny doesn't have a habit of wandering round in the rain wearing a nightie, then just think yourself lucky you've found someone who cares about your child.

I love that film 😂

I remember when I was settling DD into nursery and I was really surprised to see one of the staff cuddle a toddler into their lap and kiss him on the head. I had no experience of childcare for tiny ones so had no idea it would be like that. But now I feel really glad that my 2 get affection when not with me. I think little ones need it.

Awh OP I’m jealous - of you! My DC go to a childminder part time and while she’s very nice and good at her job she’s not (from what I’ve observed) overly affectionate with the children and I would love if she was! My mum used to be my “nanny” until she moved away and I so loved the fact that my children were showered with kisses and cuddles and warmth when I was away from them. It breaks my hard to think when my kids fall over / hurt themselves that they’re not being kissed better by someone - anyone!!

I imagine it’s very hard to see this when you’re at home and not usually privy to their interactions but if I were you I would try to think of it from your child’s perspective - they will feel so loved and secure from this interaction. You say DC is confident, I’m guessing your love over the last two years, along with your nanny’s during the past year, have contributed massively to that. I REALLY wouldn’t say anything and risk ruining the last belt bond your child enjoys. I do understand your feelings though