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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting to leave DC with her

74 replies

Haaaaalpme · 25/04/2019 18:14

Going back to work P/T two days a week next week after Mat Leave.

Arranged for DD to go to Nursery one day and my DM has offered to have DD the second day.

I'm a first time mum so can be quite worried, anxious, etc. about DD.

Had some settle sessions at Nursery. Very happy and confident for DD to go there.

However, I'm worried about my DM having DD the second day.

She came to mine today and I'd already suggested that she have some practice looking after DD while I'm there and she told me I'm being stupid and shes not a moron, she knows what to do, etc.

But she refused to change DDs dirty nappy and every time she has done so previously, hasn't managed to put DDs trousers or long sleeved t shirt back on or has required assistance doing so.

She also tried to put her in the highchair and 5 mins later called me and she was fumbling around and had been for a while with the straps and couldnt work out how to strap her in. Despite having watched me do it many times and me having showed her (reluctantly she watched), she couldn't work it out!

She also, much to my annoyance, and despite me saying no many times, continues to feed DD food from her plate. DM always puts extra salt on her food. Dd is almost 10 months so her having the food would be fine if it wasnt salty

She will always do things she knows I'm not comfortable with, almost as if on purpose, and I know rationally, theres no harm done and I'm being precious first timer but it still annoys me and makes me lose trust to leave her with dm. Shes always pushing her to crawl whereas I just sit back and let dd go at her own pace. She stood up from sitting down on the floor earlier with two plates balancing several sets of cutlery, and stood up with the plate balancing cutlery right over dds head and i just said, mind that cutlery, and she went berserk and had a go at me and then not 30 mins later had a go about other stuff and walked out without saying goodbye (this isnt unusual)

Aibu

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 25/04/2019 18:15

Yanbu she doesn't sound suitable

MakeItRain · 25/04/2019 18:20

Yanbu. It doesn't sound as though it will work out. You need to feel happy to leave your dd or your return to work will be unnecessarily stressful. I would use the nursery for both days if that's an option.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 25/04/2019 18:23

But she refused to change DDs dirty nappy and every time she has done so previously, hasn't managed to put DDs trousers or long sleeved t shirt back on or has required assistance doing so.

If she’s struggling with the absolute basics like this, you need to rethink.

If she can’t put a t shirt on properly what hope would she have of handling an emergency, like baby choking or a toddler running out into the road, appropriately?

AllTheFours44 · 25/04/2019 18:23

How irritating it must be for mothers to not be trusted to look after the children of the children they themselves mothered.

You have 2 choices, OP. Taker her or leave her. Just try not to alienate her in the process. You will look back and regret it.

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 25/04/2019 18:26

Unfortunately free child care always has hidden costs...

Leeds2 · 25/04/2019 18:26

If it is going to make your return to work more stressful than it need be, then put DD in nursery for two days. But think carefully about how you will tell your mum about your change of mind, and how she will react both immediately and in the future.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/04/2019 18:27

I think you have a lot of issues in your relationship with your mother, and having her watch your daughter is going to be nothing but a minefield. I would quickly make other arrangements.

Nameisthegame · 25/04/2019 18:28

Just say thank you so much for the offer but dc will settle better at nursery at two days especially as in the future I will be increasing the days. But it would be really nice if you took dc out a afternoon a week to the park etc.

Chocmallows · 25/04/2019 18:29

Additional childcare until DD is around 3.5 years old I would say. Basic needs like nappy changing have to be met!

DuffBeer · 25/04/2019 18:30

I wouldn't leave her with your mother.

Soubriquet · 25/04/2019 18:33

How irritating it must be for mothers to not be trusted to look after the children of the children they themselves mothered

I’m sure when the op was a baby, she could change a dirty nappy and put a t-shirt back on Hmm

She sounds incapable and to be honest, I wouldn’t leave her with your mum either

DwayneDibbly · 25/04/2019 18:37

I'm one of those annoying first time Mums with PFBs and I would feel exactly the same. My DPs Mum was due to have my DD when I went back to work but thankfully she ended up not being able to do so, for various reasons. Honestly I was relieved. She's brought up several children, true, but she didn't seem to be able to manage to wipe DDs arse properly and left poo all over her.

If you don't feel comfortably it would never work & you're perfectly entitled to feel the way you do.

user1498572889 · 25/04/2019 18:41

Is your mum really old?

KateyKube · 25/04/2019 18:43

How irritating it must be for mothers to not be trusted to look after the children of the children they themselves mothered

The thing is, these wonderful ladies mothered us perhaps 30-40 years ago. They were much younger and fitter and more physically and mentally capable with quicker reactions. Not to mention that guidelines have changed significantly with regard to sleeping and eating and child development etc. My DM was an amazing mother to me but she’s not capable of running around after my own DC. She can babysit occasionally for 5-6 hours but that’s probably the most she’s safely capable of. That doesn’t in any way reflect on how well she looked after me 40 years ago.

OP I do think there’s an element of genuine concern here regarding your DM’s abilities. Why can’t she change your DD or get her dressed? Is she perhaps too old to handle a small child? Having said that, I also think you’re being a little precious with regard to how she looks after your DD. Why does it matter if she doesn’t do things exactly as you would? A childminder won’t either, just you won’t be there to see it.

HomeMadeMadness · 25/04/2019 18:45

YANBU I'd just put her in nursery two days - it will help her settle in nursery more quickly too (some babies don't do well with only one day a week) so that might be a good excuse to use for your mum.

HomeMadeMadness · 25/04/2019 18:46

How irritating it must be for mothers to not be trusted to look after the children of the children they themselves mothered

Looking after your own baby as a 30 year old is different to looking after an unfamiliar baby as a 60 year old. The DM in this case also doesn't sound that keen.

AwakeNow · 25/04/2019 18:47

I would sign dd up for 2 days and tell your dm you do not need her on the 1 day afterall. If she complains just say you feel it is best for dd.

DizzyPhillips · 25/04/2019 18:54

Lots of nurseries won’t take kids one day per week and insist on two as a minimum.

How about a white lie to spare her feelings?

Original poster
Haaaaalpme · 25/04/2019 18:58

DM is just turned 52
She pretty capable physically though her eye sight isnt the best

She can change DDs nappy but she doesnt like changing pooey ones and she struggles to put dds clothing back on afterwards without assistance and has several times tried to put the nappy on back to front etc.

She also will likely have one glass of wine every time she is here to look after dd which makes dh uncomfortable definitely

Dm loves dd though and wants to spend time with her and she will be greatly offended if I tell her no
It wont go down well
I'm dreading it!!

I wondered as an alternative whether I should put dd into nursery for an extra half day so dm only has to have her for say an afternoon rather than a full day.

Going to look at finances tonight but dont think I could afford two full days at Nursery but could scrape maybe a day and a half, though I'd rather two!

But I'd be happier for her to have dd for only an afternoon rather than a full day.

OP posts:
LordPickle · 25/04/2019 18:59

Go with your gut OP. My MIL used to watch my DS one day a week but he kept coming home with bad nappy rash.

When I asked her about it, she said she wouldn't change him if he kicked or resisted her at all....meaning she'd leave him in a shitty nappy for possibly hours at a time. Angry

There were loads of other minor issues so I quickly realised it could not continue. I had to end that arrangement and it caused some problems (she was very offended) but I can't put my PFB at risk.

If you're already getting warning signs, don't ignore them.

LordPickle · 25/04/2019 19:00

Look into a childminder, they are about half the price of nursery.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/04/2019 19:01

Of course it is entirely possible that the DM is made nervous by her daughter flapping around and would be more than capable without condescending comnents like practice looking after her.

DwayneDibbly · 25/04/2019 19:07

I've just finished two large glasses of red so I might not be in a position to judge, but...why does she need a glass of wine? What time does she start drinking, and can you be sure it's only one she's having? I can understand why your DH is worried about that.

Original poster
Haaaaalpme · 25/04/2019 19:10

Shes not the type of woman to get nervous tbh so I doubt my "condescending" comments even touch the sides.

OP posts:
HomeMadeMadness · 25/04/2019 19:10

Of course it is entirely possible that the DM is made nervous by her daughter flapping around and would be more than capable without condescending comnents like practice looking after her.

Then why would she ask OP for help?

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