AIBU not wanting to leave DC with her

[Haaaaalpme]

Going back to work P/T two days a week next week after Mat Leave.

Arranged for DD to go to Nursery one day and my DM has offered to have DD the second day.

I'm a first time mum so can be quite worried, anxious, etc. about DD.

Had some settle sessions at Nursery. Very happy and confident for DD to go there.

However, I'm worried about my DM having DD the second day.

She came to mine today and I'd already suggested that she have some practice looking after DD while I'm there and she told me I'm being stupid and shes not a moron, she knows what to do, etc.

But she refused to change DDs dirty nappy and every time she has done so previously, hasn't managed to put DDs trousers or long sleeved t shirt back on or has required assistance doing so.

She also tried to put her in the highchair and 5 mins later called me and she was fumbling around and had been for a while with the straps and couldnt work out how to strap her in. Despite having watched me do it many times and me having showed her (reluctantly she watched), she couldn't work it out!

She also, much to my annoyance, and despite me saying no many times, continues to feed DD food from her plate. DM always puts extra salt on her food. Dd is almost 10 months so her having the food would be fine if it wasnt salty

She will always do things she knows I'm not comfortable with, almost as if on purpose, and I know rationally, theres no harm done and I'm being precious first timer but it still annoys me and makes me lose trust to leave her with dm. Shes always pushing her to crawl whereas I just sit back and let dd go at her own pace. She stood up from sitting down on the floor earlier with two plates balancing several sets of cutlery, and stood up with the plate balancing cutlery right over dds head and i just said, mind that cutlery, and she went berserk and had a go at me and then not 30 mins later had a go about other stuff and walked out without saying goodbye (this isnt unusual)

Aibu

Sorry for the rant

She’s a functioning alcoholic

All the nurseries I looked at insisted on a minimum of 2 days, there’s no way I’d leave her with your mum if you’re not 100% sure she’ll be safe and well looked after. Childcare is expensive but it’s only for a few years so you may just have to suck it up for now.

FWIW my MIL decided she was going to look after DD, told everyone that’s what was going to happen before she was even born - except she’s not in great health so couldn’t pick up or run after a toddler and I had seen her look after her friends kid and she had put her in the car without a car seat, fed her tons of sweets and fruit juice when she’d been asked not to, she asked her to keep secrets from her mum and whenever the friend came to pick her kid up she was stuck there for an hour chatting to MIL (or rather being talked at by MIL).

So I pay for 4 days at nursery and I envy people who trust and respect their parents/in laws to do childcare but I accept that’s not an option for us.

As an ex nursery worker I would say your idea of a day and a half is good. Or even two mornings if your DM is up for it. Going to nursery twice in the week will make it much easier for your DD to settle.

Have you ever left your mum alone? I get extra clumsy and nervous if I feel
I am being judged ... and will struggle with simple tasks.

It’s a worry I understand I am going to be leaving my son with my mum in 6 months when i return to work , I have left him alone with her for 30 mins a couple of times to nip
To shops and will be staying away an hour or so next week ( having my hair cut for the first time in 5 months )

My mum is very good at feeding and nappy changing ... and I am lucky she is offering ... but maybe just giving that bit of alone time will he’ll her gain confidence? As that’s what we are doing with mum and it
Make the transition easier for baby.

I enjoy one small glass of wine with dinner ... I don’t think that makes me a functioning alcoholic- my partner likes a can of fizzy drink... does that make him a fizzaholic

I was going to say you’re being to precious. She’d probably change dirty nappy if you weren’t there but because you are she doesn’t do it?
High chairs and car seats are a faff sometimes but of course she needs to know how they work.
Then you mentioned the wine and I changed my mind. I would ask her not to drink when she is looking after your little one, if she refuses I would opt for two days in nursery.

Drinking at dinner is different from drinking from noon. The dm drinks every day and OP believes she will drink while childminding. That is a functional alcoholic and very different from a small glass at dinner.

I would be very concerned giving an alcoholic a small baby to look after especially when she will be drinking alonside.

Even if you were entirely happy with your mother's way of doing things, you are under NO obligation to let her look after your baby. You do not need to give her a reason, just say you have other arrangements which work best for you. It sounds as if you want to say no to her but find it difficult.

Yeah no... If she can't possibly stay off the wine until 5pm while looking after her grandchild, then she doesn't get to have the baby alone. Book your DC into two days of nursery and you'll feel much happier! You cannot leave a baby with a functional alcoholic.

'Even if you were entirely happy with your mother's way of doing things, you are under NO obligation to let her look after your baby. You do not need to give her a reason, just say you have other arrangements which work best for you'.

This.

At 52 she should physically be capable of looking after a 10 month old. She shouldn't have difficulties with nappies and t shirts.
I am mid 60's and both I and many of my friends look after GC's, and although it is very tiring we all manage to change nappies etc and are quite happy to be guided by the chils parents when it comes to diet and discipline.
I think the alcohol consumption is the problem here, you have no idea of the real amount she really drinks, probably a lot more than you are aware of.
I personally would not leave my child with someone who drinks like this whatever their age.
Think about the issues she is having, the t shirt, the nappy, the harness, all suggests to me that she has problems, probably alcohol related. Listen to your DH.

If people thinl shes capable just because you made it to adulthood its silly.

Id not leave my son with my mother...simply because i know how she was with me and my siblings. Junk food constantly, dirty house, leaving us alone with dogs when tiny, leaving dangerous things like knives hot tea and iron on in reach etc.....im alive but yes many a&e visits

And just read the drinking thing...even if she just has the one id say no to that too

No I wouldn't let her even for the half day. It'll make being back at work that much more miserable for you.

I'd simply put it to your DM that you feel you're taking advantage of her by asking her to do a whole full day, and that while you know she'd really enjoy it, a whole day is a big commitment of time and you really feel it'll be easier for your mum to have a more relaxed less intensive afternoon so she can do more fun things like walk to the park etc with your child, and that you won't feel you're taking advantage of her.
Then sort with nursery she's fed and nappy changed before being collected after lunch, leave tea in a cool bag so all your mum has to do is feed her what's in the cool bag.

The drinking would be a big no no.If something happened to your dd while your dm was looking after her.You would never forgive yourself.

I like a drink. I'd never judge another mum for the medicinal wines you absolutely dream about all day with your own kids.
But chugging a bottle in the daytime whilst looking after someone else's ... nope! Not happening, ever!!
Is she going to be drink driving with your child in the car? "Oh we've run out of bread, the shops only a minute away, no big deal. I've only had one ish"

I don't get the 'well she raised DH so she must know what she's doing - I often think that DH and his DB made it to adulthood by sheer good luck. The stuff I've been told by DH's relatives about his DM is quite shocking, although they all seem to think it's hysterical. In your case the wine thing would be a big problem: opening a bottle sometimes at midday: I would imagine she's getting through much more than she's admitting or than you think. I say this as someone who is a similar age to your DM and this time last year I was doing the same thing. If I didn't have to drive anywhere I would be thinking about that wine and opening it as soon as possible. I was getting through a bottle a day, sometimes more, but would tell DH/friends that it was 'one or two glasses' or 'half a bottle'. I knocked it on the head for my health and the happiness of my family as well as me - I'm much nicer off it. And btw I never seemed drunk, either (DH confirms this). So that wouldn't be an indicator of her ability. What if she is having that extra glass? Getting in the car with DD under the influence … I don't think I could relax.

Spoken to DM today and she would feel happier too having DD for half the day instead of the full day

So I'm waiting to hear back from the nursery about whether they can take dd an extra half day

good plan. she gets the fun bit, takes the pressure off both of you. nursery wont let dd go into your dms care if they think she`s sozzled. you can always up it to 2 full nursery days if you need.

I would put your dd in for the 2 days.And let your dm take her out occasionally for the half day

She will have to pick your dd up? I would start planning how you can pay for the full 2 days op, your mum is an alcoholic.

Your daughter deserves to be with competent, respectful caregivers who will follow your parental instructions and safely apply their up-to-date knowledge and skills to her care.

Don't put her at risk just to appease and placate an alcoholic who not only stomps all over your boundaries and parental instructions, but tantrums and abuses you when you try to prevent her from endangering your baby.

Er OP... your mum is an alcoholic. Perhaps you’re so used to this it hasn’t hit home (my dad was similar) but there is no way you should be leaving your precious baby in the care of an alcoholic - no wonder she’s incompetent.

I had 2/3 of a bottle of wine last night and I definitely felt pretty tipsy and feel slightly rough today. It’s a considerable amount of alcohol to consume every day. YABVU to trust your mother with your child...

fortunately your problem is your mother, not your mother in law. Therefore you can handle it however you want without causing issues with your other half. (assuming there is one)