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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting to leave DC with her

74 replies

Haaaaalpme · 25/04/2019 18:14

Going back to work P/T two days a week next week after Mat Leave.

Arranged for DD to go to Nursery one day and my DM has offered to have DD the second day.

I'm a first time mum so can be quite worried, anxious, etc. about DD.

Had some settle sessions at Nursery. Very happy and confident for DD to go there.

However, I'm worried about my DM having DD the second day.

She came to mine today and I'd already suggested that she have some practice looking after DD while I'm there and she told me I'm being stupid and shes not a moron, she knows what to do, etc.

But she refused to change DDs dirty nappy and every time she has done so previously, hasn't managed to put DDs trousers or long sleeved t shirt back on or has required assistance doing so.

She also tried to put her in the highchair and 5 mins later called me and she was fumbling around and had been for a while with the straps and couldnt work out how to strap her in. Despite having watched me do it many times and me having showed her (reluctantly she watched), she couldn't work it out!

She also, much to my annoyance, and despite me saying no many times, continues to feed DD food from her plate. DM always puts extra salt on her food. Dd is almost 10 months so her having the food would be fine if it wasnt salty

She will always do things she knows I'm not comfortable with, almost as if on purpose, and I know rationally, theres no harm done and I'm being precious first timer but it still annoys me and makes me lose trust to leave her with dm. Shes always pushing her to crawl whereas I just sit back and let dd go at her own pace. She stood up from sitting down on the floor earlier with two plates balancing several sets of cutlery, and stood up with the plate balancing cutlery right over dds head and i just said, mind that cutlery, and she went berserk and had a go at me and then not 30 mins later had a go about other stuff and walked out without saying goodbye (this isnt unusual)

Aibu

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:

Original poster

Haaaaalpme · 25/04/2019 19:13

Well she drinks red every day and if shes not at work (she works P/T too,) she'll start at noon. Though I've never seen her drunk drunk. She has maybe 1/2 - 3/4 of a bottle a day. Though she will only have one glass whilst at mine as she has to drive home.

My DH thinks she starts on me usually after she starts having the wine, he said he noticed shes fine until she opens the bottle and then the comments toward me start

OP posts:

TheStakeIsNotThePower · 25/04/2019 19:15

So reading your last post, she's a functional alcoholic. Please don't leave your daughter with her.

almostsunny · 25/04/2019 19:16

My mum offered to have my son 1 day a week. It was so stressful, he used to have a windy tummy every time, sore bottom from not been cleaned properly. I ended up booking him into nursery and it was much better. I learnt my lesson with Dc 2 & 3

user1498572889 · 25/04/2019 19:18

Maybe she doesn’t want to look after your DC but feels guilty saying no. I am 54 and look after either one or two of my grandkids one day a week and one is just under a year old and the other is 5 months. I would like do do more but I work. At 52 she should be more than able to look after your DC.

blackcat86 · 25/04/2019 19:19

Yanbu OP. I put my in laws into 'baby bootcamp' because they are insistent about providing childcare (they told every relative, the people in the local Tesco and random waitresses before I'd even given birth) but despite harping on about all that they had done with their kids, my observation was that they lacked confidence and that a lot had changed in 40years. SIDS, car seat and weaning have changed completely so I we made an agreement. I was clear that I very much wanted them to have the close relationship with DD that they were looking for but that they needed to demonstrate just once that they could do the basics. It's been silly things that not letting the bath be too cold, not putting her in a £15 used car seat from Facebook, using her medication and not taking photos of DD in the bath because they tend to put photos on social media. I appreciate these sound quite bad but once I explained why things had changed they realised how much they needed to learn about childcare now, DD and her routine.

You either trust your mother, or you can work towards that trust, or you simply dont think that she will be a suitable caregiver. I've spent 3 months preparing to return to work in a few weeks and it hasn't been easy but DD now has 2-1 personalised childcare with people who love her.

sighrollseyes · 25/04/2019 19:19

I had a similar issue with my first child. I didn't like some of the choices MIL made re children (especially re: food and dogs). In the end I paid the extra day at nursery instead where I know DS is getting excellent food, education etc. I know that cost may be an issue for you but if you can afford it and it puts your mind at rest it might be for the best.
My DS gets very bored now if he's ever looked after by grandparents because it's not stimulating like nursery with all their little friends and activities etc.

underneaththeash · 25/04/2019 19:23

OP - I think that the nursery will suggest to you that your daughter will be more settled if she does 2 days rather than 1??

MitziK · 25/04/2019 19:31

Fucking hell.

I'm apparently too inherently decrepit to keep a baby alive, despite still being theoretically young enough to have another one of my own.

HollowTalk · 25/04/2019 19:34

It's not about you, MitziK. It's about another woman entirely.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 25/04/2019 19:34

Yeah Mitzi, but presumably you can put a nappy on the right way round?

This isn’t anything to do with age- the op’s Mum is only in her 50s!

barryfromclareisfit · 25/04/2019 19:37

I am 61 and have just become childcare for dgd aged 7. I get things wrong. I hope I am learning and that things will be ok.

Sickandsurprised2019 · 25/04/2019 19:44

Presumably the people defending this MIL missed the updates on her being an alcoholic? That's an automatic no without anythjng else OP.

You would be VVU and irresponsible to leave your baby with a person who drinks from lunch time every day. I'm not surprised your dp is uncomfortable!

DwayneDibbly · 25/04/2019 19:48

Yeah, pretty sure you can't guarantee how much she's drinking when you're not around so it would definitely be a big fat no from me. I love a drink & was quite a party animal before having DD but I barely manage half a bottle a week these days, and I never drink in the day. And I am more than happy to enforce that with other family members who care for her, including her Dad, who I have given short shrift to recently for drinking whilst DD was in bed.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest and the drinking just reinforces my initial opinion.

BumpIntheNite · 25/04/2019 19:55

The issues here are:

she drinks every day
she can't do basic baby care eg nappies
she doesn't listen to you
she gets shitty when you try to correct her

The problem isn't making the odd mistake - it's fact she gets defensive and snaps at you.

I'm guessing you don't have a great relationship with her, OP?

I'd definitely opt for 2 days a week at nursery.

LadyRannaldini · 25/04/2019 19:56

Took me a while to work out how the car-seat straps released easily and the number of nappies I put on back to front! If you don't trust your mother with her grandchild then pay for childcare but when you need some emergency help in years to come she may not be too willing. 52 does seem rather young to be so nept though.

OutInTheCountry · 25/04/2019 20:05

I think if she won't respect your way of doing things then this just won't work but you need to handle it in a way that doesn't risk your relationship. Could you say you'll do nursery 2 dpw but you'd appreciate her coming round once a week whilst you do jobs or errands - then she'd still feel included but wouldn't be on her own.
The drinking sounds worrying - my PIL love a drink but they wouldn't dream of touching a drop whilst looking after my DC.

MitziK · 25/04/2019 20:09

@PennyMordauntsLadyBrain I can, indeed.

I still ended up not getting it right every time when I switched from big terry ones with the pins to disposables with the second - especially when I tried a different brand to normal. And I have seen plenty of friends faff it up when distracted by somebody else in the room or the baby is very wriggly or crying, even though they are doing it repeatedly as it's their own child.

If somebody were hovering over me, demanding that I proved myself or suchlike, knowing that this could be used a reason to not be permitted to care for a child, I expect I'd stuff up on detangling straps or getting a high chair out, too.

I found the comments here that GPs are inherently too old to be able to cope/keep babies safe quite depressing, though. If we were talking about somebody in their 80s, fair enough, but when it could be somebody aged feasibly from 34 onwards, it's sad.

Sickandsurprised2019 · 25/04/2019 20:11

52 does seem rather young to be so nept though.

Probably not the age but the wine...

wellspankmyarse · 25/04/2019 20:13

the wine consumption alone would make it a no for me.

pikapikachu · 25/04/2019 20:15

I believe that nurseries recommend a minimum of 2 days a week to help settle in faster.

I wouldn't leave my child with someone who doesn't do dirty nappies. That's super basic childcare.

ballsdeep · 25/04/2019 20:16

How the hell did she manage to change you? Did you walk around with a wonky nappy on and half dressed? Maybe she just feelsike you're watching her?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/04/2019 20:23

What would make my mind up, if I was in your position @Haaaaalpme , would be how she would take to being asked not to have any wine while she is looking after her grandchild and to wait until she gets home for her drink?

Depending on how she would take to that question, would shape my choice of whether to use her for childcare or not.

HBStowe · 25/04/2019 20:26

She doesn’t sound like remotely suitable childcare - YANBU!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/04/2019 20:45

@ballsdeep - that's hardly helpful. The OPs mum was clearly younger and probably didn't have all the high chair straps/disposable nappies/accoutrements to be dealing with that modern mums do.

Take her through what you expect her to do, what is unacceptable (e.g. feeding from her plate, drinking wine in your home while looking after her grandchild) and see how it goes.

GunpowderGelatine · 25/04/2019 20:50

She will always do things she knows I'm not comfortable with, almost as if on purpose

Because of this I would be very reluctant, I know how it feels to have a mum like this. , however please remember your mum has raised babies before and has racked up more time than you, so I understand her feeling annoyed at being told to "practice".

FWIW with my PFB when MIL had her all day for the first time, about 10 months like your DD, I wrote out instructions and a timetable, filling an A4 sheet...front and back she smiled politely but some years later told me she binned it straight away 😂 she's only had 3 of her own 🤣

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