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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is a sign of misogyny

82 replies

Fr0thandBubble · 25/04/2019 13:37

A man I know, divorced and in his early 40s, said to me recently that he likes women who are “virginal”.

He said one of the reasons he had a bad sex life with his ex-wife (which was one of the reasons they divorced) was that his wife had been “quite promiscuous” before they met, which he didn’t like, and he thinks that’s a reason why he went off sex with her after a few years.

I can’t really explain why this didn’t sit well with me at all - I feel like it’s a sign that he could be misogynistic. Do you agree or is it perfectly valid for him to have that preference?

OP posts:

Vulpine · 25/04/2019 14:30

Is this a serious post

LinoleumBlownapart · 25/04/2019 14:30

Well if that doesn't scream insecurities and complexes, I don't know what would.

God forbid a woman should ever actually enjoy sex

Drogosnextwife · 25/04/2019 14:32

FFS I really hope this isn't a guy you are in a relationship with.

letsdolunch321 · 25/04/2019 14:36

Weirdo !!!!

Original poster

Fr0thandBubble · 25/04/2019 14:37

We’re not in a relationship, no. I went out with him for a short while when we were teenagers and he’s always stayed in touch. We’ve been for dinner a bit recently, now he’s divorced, and I get the feeling he might want a relationship. I’ve always had a gut instinct something wasn’t right though so I was really sitting back and watching him and what he says. And some of the things - like this and the ones I mentioned above - really set off alarm bells.

I know he cheated on his wife so it’s not that he has these moral standards for himself as well.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2019 14:42

Some of us admire men for perceived power at least as much as they admire women for purity, doesn't mean we hate them.

And you see no difference between perceiving power as positive and perceiving lack of experience as positive? That's sort of the essence of sexism.

Timeforcuppa · 25/04/2019 14:43

Sounds like you should keep your distance @Fr0thandBubble

cushioncovers · 25/04/2019 14:48

Virginal?? Does he mean young or a woman who hadn't had many sexual partners?

I don't understand why it took him several years to find it off putting that she had had lots of previous partners 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

Fr0thandBubble · 25/04/2019 14:53

@cushioncovers He doesn’t mean young - he means someone who hasn’t slept with many men.

I think he has a low sex drive - he went off sex with his long-term ex whom he was living with before he met his wife. He was saying he doesn’t know why it happens but that he thinks his wife’s former promiscuity had something to do with it because he likes women to be virginal and pure.

OP posts:

Tavannach · 25/04/2019 14:54

Some of us admire men for perceived power at least as much as they admire women for purity, doesn't mean we hate them.

And you see no difference between perceiving power as positive and perceiving lack of experience as positive? That's sort of the essence of sexism.

Totally agree.

cushioncovers · 25/04/2019 14:55

Ah ok. I think he obviously has issues and is projecting them onto the (ex) women in his life. Probably the only bullshit reason he could think of. 🤷🏻‍♀️

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 25/04/2019 14:58

It's misogyny I think. Definitely suggests he wants a feeling of ownership over his partner.

My girlfriend certainly wasn't "virginal" by a long shot when we met, I think I benefit enormously from it to be honest!

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2019 14:59

I think he has a low sex drive

Blaming his lack of sexual prowess on a woman's perceived promiscuity sounds like some medieval shit. The witches made my dick not work, burn them. He needs to come join us in the 21st century.

You need to avoid.

CostanzaG · 25/04/2019 15:01

The more you type the worse he sounds.....I couldn't even be friends with a man like this.
He's disgusting.

justarandomtricycle · 25/04/2019 15:03

And you see no difference between perceiving power as positive and perceiving lack of experience as positive? That's sort of the essence of sexism.

I don't pretend to understand it, and I think OPs "friend" is way dodgy for mentioning it, but I disagree on principle with reading politics into who people are attracted to and criticising them for it, because moralizing about who other people should want to sleep with is very dangerous ground indeed.

Sashkin · 25/04/2019 15:05

If he’s in his 40s he isn’t going to meet many virgins his own age... so I guess win-win, he doesn’t have to sleep with scarlet women, and he won’t inflict himself and his awful attitudes on anybody else.

Except I bet he does sleep with non-virgin women, and then treats them badly for being sexually experienced. Also what happens when he sleeps with a virgin? Does she become non-virginal and impure? Maybe he should just stay celibate, seems easier all round.

justarandomtricycle · 25/04/2019 15:05

Having thought about this, I think it is telling you this that comes across as creepy and misogynistic.

We all have our own standards but there's something really unpleasant about doing this.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/04/2019 15:05

@Fr0thandBubble have you ever pulled him up on those comments OP? I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue if a guy said that shit to me

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2019 15:06

moralizing about who other people should want to sleep with is very dangerous ground indeed.

Which is literally what he is doing.

justarandomtricycle · 25/04/2019 15:08

Which is literally what he is doing.

Yeah, by sounding off about it he is doing that, excellent point.

Should keep this to himself.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/04/2019 15:09

but I disagree on principle with reading politics into who people are attracted to and criticising them for it, because moralizing about who other people should want to sleep with is very dangerous ground indeed.

I mean he married the woman so clearly did want to sleep with her originally, suddenly though when they got divorced it's because she was a slut all along ......

justarandomtricycle · 25/04/2019 15:13

I mean he married the woman so clearly did want to sleep with her originally, suddenly though when they got divorced it's because she was a slut all along ......

Yeah, that doesn't ring true at all. As I said above he sounds pretty virginal himself.

I wouldn't have any truck with the inherent nastiness of finding x or y attractive, as mentioned - that's the thinking behind all sorts of broken ideas, but this is the sort of "standard" that comes off like a PA sideswipe when voiced to a woman who is obviously in most cases not going to be a virgin.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2019 15:14

@justarandomtricycle are you being reasonable on AIBU? That's not really in the spirit of the site

MsTSwift · 25/04/2019 15:59

Snort. Good luck with his search

Shodan · 25/04/2019 16:21

*He likes virginal women because they won't have a yardstick to measure him by.

Potentially literally*

To anyone who literally needs a yardstick for that, where do you meet men? Asking for a friend

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