Red Flags you wished you’d heeded?

[Turin]

Prior to entering the awful relationship and marriage I had with ex DP there were a number of red flags I’d wish I’d challenged or even noticed more. I was to busy being stupidly in love and doubting myself. And a bit desperate to be loved tbf. They were:

Him encouraging me to work part time or give up work so he could “look after” me

Telling me my friends were jealous and parents interfering in our relationship when they called me weekly or visited me monthly

Him choosing my wardrobe and telling me to return purchases as they looked cheap.

This was even before the relationship got serious! I still feel so stupid!

What were the red flags you should have heeded?

Constantly lying. False identification documents. Constantly talking about violence. Everyone he had ever met was an idiot.

Awful friends and family who looked at women as lower beings. In more relationship than one.

Following the desperate need for love/how people made me feel at the start more than anything has always tripped me up. I am single & now working on loving myself first because the men I pick inevitably don't love me/come in hot and leave when it gets hard

The relationship between his domineering and emotionally stunted and abusive father and his mother. That he'd go on to subconsciously mirror.

His relationship with his mother, who did all but wipe his arse for him and got no thanks for it.

The fact that I'd never seen him angry.

That he didn't want me until someone else did.

That he talked down to me, thought he was better than everyone.

That the first time I met his family he went from being nice to his disabled sister to making her cry in less than an hour, that he upset his brother so much his brother refused to drive him home from the center of town an hour away.

The fact that everyone always saw the 'nice' and it wasn't that nice, side of him all the time, while if I'd upset him by disagreeing with him, I'd be ignored till I apologised. His inability to be anything other than right.

He sounds like such an arse here, but he really isn't deep down. He's damaged by his upbringing and his own mental health and unlike so many others he is constantly trying to get better. He has never physically harmed me and would rip anyone who attempted to apart but the emotional trauma of being with him is long lasting. But I don't hate or dislike him. We were a car crash from the beginning. Lots of chemistry with poor communication skills on both sides. Both of us bringing similar trauma to it but dealing with it in completely different ways. In another lifetime we'd of had an amazing life and relationship. Now though I'll take his friendship and support him the best I can, while he attempts to do the same for me in his own clumsy and and awkward way.

He had no money yet was intelligent and well educated. Should have thought that one through.

All exes were 'crazy'.

They never lied. They couldn't tell a lie to save their life, so they never tried anymore (turns out, they were all still having a pretty good try at it).

I would mention I would be seeing friends on a particular day and would get 'oh, I thought we could do something together'. They didn't like any of my friends and found spending time with my family 'stressful'.

There was a long list of jobs that they couldn't or wouldn't apply for and it was unreasonable for them to do a job simply for the money, they had to want to do it.

Bad relationships with their mums (I know not all men who have bad relationships with their mothers are arseholes but all of the arseholes I dated have bad relationships with their mums).

No real friendships (again, I know lots of perfectly lovely people struggle with making new friendships, but it was something all the arses had in common too).

No kindness. I don't mean that they were particularly unkind (although it turns out that they were) but that there was no kindness unless there was something in it for them or someone was watching. And if they did do something nice, there would usually be a very long discussion about how they were just a giving sort of person.

They'd quickly try to take things over. For instance, if I was doing something they considered to be a 'man's job' they'd take over and then talk about how I needed their help and asking how I managed before they came along. Strangely enough, I never seemed to need their help with dishes or hoovering! And taking control of the remote control straight away.

Being the perfect gentleman when we first met.

That he had a child he didn't see (nor did any of his family)...
That he beat up his exes brother and put him in hospital...

Biggest red flag was the fact my family and most of my friends didn't like my ex. They all love my DH though, it became very important to me after the ex

"I don't hit women", Jesus I was naive.

'I'm old-fashioned'. No, he wasn't. He was an emotionally abusive, misogynist prick.

Very early on (few weeks in) I told him I loved surprises and shortly afterwards he told me he had a surprise for me. I was very excited and wanted to know what it was. Eventually he said it was nothing. I was confused and hurt and he turned it round on me making him feel bad when he was ‘just joking.’ I see now it was a test.

However, I’m with someone lovely now who treats me to small surprises all the time because he loves me.

His absolute desperation to calm MIL's constant tantrums at any cost
The fact that FIL was completely crushed by her and just kept his head down
The way he switched instantly from utter fury to a sweet guy act
The fact that, instead of building his own life, he'd returned to mummy after college

She didn't invite me to her dinner parties, but she was always happy to come to mine.

Going awol in an emergency, and then by some miracle reappearing when things were better.

He was three people - an unpleasant one with me a lot of the time; hail fellow well met with his mates and family; sullen and rude with my friends and family (always just kept putting it down to him being nervous around the but it went on for years).

Arrogant and always had to be right, stating black is white and sulking if you don't agree. His son was relaying to me some stories about this at the weekend, I said "have you ever seen him do it to uncle Fred?", no, "how about Jim" (his best mate)....well...no...actually. I said quite, he only does it to women and children. (Ex DSS is 18 now btw, and I have kept in touch with him over the last few years since we split).

Zero empathy, literally could not understand if someone felt something differently to him.

If I arranged to see a mate locally he would often turn up, I'd go to her house for a cuppa and five minutes later he'd be round saying he was bored, arrange to go to the pub, I'd say "I'm going to meet Sue at the pub", he'd say OK, I'm just coming..... I never did that with his mates, even if invited, which I generally wasn't explicitly.

Said he left his ex because she hit him, but wanted to keep in touch with her to such a degree that he went and stayed over at her house, calling and texting all the time at inappropriate times.

He was very controlling about who phoned whom and when. Simply not interested enough to want to speak to me.

After chatting on phone for 2-3 hours every evening for 6 weeks, told me he loved me on first date.Should've run for the hills.

When he made me cry on my 21st birthday because he wouldn't get out of bed to celebrate it with me.

Should have bailed then, but i'd only been living with him 2 months and thought my family would tell me I was being ridiculous.

Wish i'd run like the wind that day, I really do.. almost viscerally so.

Told me my parents didn't care for me.

Explained how he would physically defeat my dad in a physical fight by using knowledge of an existing injury of my Dad's against him

Isolated me from friends

Road rage. Like mega road rage, chasing people at speed and ending up lost because he'd followed them so far

Before anything bad happened in the relationship I had a gut feeling that it was all wrong and that I could never truly relax or be accepted for who I am by him.
I was young, insecure and pretty lost with rock bottom self esteem and had no idea how to listen to myself, or even that it was possible for me to take control and steer my own life.
The first red flag was his temper and walking on eggshells all the time while he denied things and twisted my words.

When they try to convince you that your perfectly rational opinion is -unfair/over-reacting/wrong. A good example being: if someone else has done something rude or nasty and you mention that you weren't having any of it, for example, they try to tell you that you should have given that person the benefit of the doubt. Gaslighting to make you second-guess yourself basically.

He lied about his age. It was the first lie of many - most of which were considerably more significant.

Rage spilling out to punching inanimate objects, jumping out of a moving car because I insulted him. Cutting his (long) hair off in a temper - he looked like a f*cking madman. I wasted 5 years of my life with that arsehole. He's since been done for drink driving, been in court for sending hate mail to ex employer, absolutely bonkers. He would get in fights all the time, with random blokes on a night out. I couldn't believe it when I started dating someone else, I could actually go on a night out and not have a knot in my stomach all the time waiting for him to 'start something'.

Almost too good to be true, he was too nice. He liked everything I did..to the extent I set a "trap" which he passed. What I didn't realise is that he had studied me in detail.

Adored me (idealise phase). Poor relationship with his mum. No empathy for his Ex, not negative about her but unable to point to positive traits which showed his black & white thinking (object constancy). No long term good friends, more acquainces. He practices a scorched earth policy after a relationship ends so no one is around for the new person to talk to.

I was very naive and assumed the best in people. What has become clear is that he targets women who can help him, financially, socially or career wise. It is quite terrifying how calculated and manipulative some people can be.

Clingy, hated my friends, if we argued he wouldn't give me the space I wanted. Chameleon socially.

Crazy ex.
Underlying hate for his mother.
Obsession with who I’d been with before him.
Going through my phone and emails.
Ugh