Red Flags you wished you’d heeded?

[Turin]

Prior to entering the awful relationship and marriage I had with ex DP there were a number of red flags I’d wish I’d challenged or even noticed more. I was to busy being stupidly in love and doubting myself. And a bit desperate to be loved tbf. They were:

Him encouraging me to work part time or give up work so he could “look after” me

Telling me my friends were jealous and parents interfering in our relationship when they called me weekly or visited me monthly

Him choosing my wardrobe and telling me to return purchases as they looked cheap.

This was even before the relationship got serious! I still feel so stupid!

What were the red flags you should have heeded?

Constant lying, cheating, disappearing for days on end, not speaking to me for days after I spent time with friends, telling me I was putting on weight (I was under weight), distancing me from my family. I could go on and on! Thankfully he is now a distant memory.

Didn't like me reading. Would belittle all of my hobbies and interests, but really didn't like me to sit and read around him. It was rude apparently. Totally different matter when he spent hours playing video games, of course.

That was another one - hours playing video games. I'm not against gaming at all, but there's a certain type of man who can't handle or manage time/emotions around gaming and should be avoided at all costs.

Belittled my friends and family, didn't like me spending time with them, moaned about having to go to (very occasional) family events. They were nothing but kind to him, despite having secret reservations about him.

That's another thing - as a PP said, if your family and friends dislike him, think again. If you have normal, healthy, loving relationships with the people in your life, then you can trust them to judge the character of the partners you bring home.

There's so many more to be honest, but it would fill a book

I once read that if you want to know what a man is really like, look at how he treats his mother and his dog.

I have to say, when I apply the above to the men I know, it's been right on the money 100% of the time

The bag of drugs in his back pocket. The 'dangerous' aura. The confidence.

The lavish compliments. The outlandishly 'romantic' declarations and marriage proposals. How he loved me more than anyone ever would, ever.

The fighting. The drinking.

The jealous rages.

In the very beginning:
Having a crisis which engineered us moving in together within three weeks of our first date.
Constantly ranting about all sorts of inconsequential things. Traffic, work, cold coffee. We all have our moan but then shut up and get on with it. He would actually get worked up about it.
Humour /jokes were mean and usually putting someone down or ridiculing them.
Any kindness was the overt type - gifts etc. When it was innate kindness like letting someone older on the bus before you or not laughing at someone's misfortune he failed.
All his ex's were crazy.
Nearly every woman he ever worked with was a bitch, a fat bitch, a fat cunt or crazy.
Idolised his friend who treats women appallingly. Admired him even.

Lying, problematic drinking, no real friends, mature student hanging out with school leavers, kept family at arms length.

I knew it all when I met him, looking back, but I was 19 and had no comparison for normal.

Keeping himself off social media, or so I thought. Not registering his business. Freaking at me so much as FaceTiming a friend in his house or having me location on. Always somehow turning everything on me. Including contracting an STD and blaming me, accusing me of cheating and refusing to believe I didn’t. He almost made me infertile. Ugh

Ostentatious acts of kindness to other people and showing how much he cared for me to others.

He expected complete understanding of his feelings and issues but had no sympathy for mine. Called me weak and demanding.

Walking out and disappearing all night. Leaving me on my own in pubs or in foreign cities to go off on his own or with friends.

Laughing in my face when I was upset.

Would never say sorry.

Insisting that he should keep hold of the keys to my house if we went out for the day (he didn’t live with me, it was just a control thing).

Telling me that my friends/people we knew thought I had a drinking problem/was a slut/treated him badly when none of these things were true.

Incredibly fake/went out of his way to make people love him.

Never took responsibility for anything. Never apologised. If he did anything wrong he'd say, 'Well, people make mistakes' or 'I'm just human after-all.'

Made himself look like the good guy in every situation

Tried to control my relationships/friendships with others

No boundaries at all

Chip on shoulder about anyone with higher level qualifications (I have them).

Did odd things to surprise/shock people. Nothing illegal, just spontaneous odd shit like pretending to know strangers in the street from old (who he'd never met before).

Planned spontaneous surprises which sound nice but basically he enjoyed controlling my day/time/whereabouts.

Didn't like me seeing family.

Found fault with all my friends and didn't like me seeing them either.

Tracked my moves. Was suspicious of everything even when we were having a nice time. Spied on me.

Reacted very jealously to my smallest passing interaction with a man when out (waiter for example).

I can't recommend heartily enough "Dangerous Relationships" by Noelle Nelson as a read for spotting the warning signs.

Coke habit.

Telling me I was different to his exes - he usually went for size 8 skinny blondes but I was “different”

Picking on me and belittling me - it was only banter

Ignoring me in social situations

Keeping his past locked down tight - any hint of his past he’d get angry and aggressive

I was 23 and naive. Looking back I should have ditched him after that first row. The one we had after a month of dating following the night where he took me out with his workmates, ignored me all night, had eyes on stalks for any female within 50yds and pretty much belittled me the entire evening. Then when I raised it with him he acted like I was a psycho (a running theme in the relationship) and ran away home to his mum because he honestly thought I was going to stab him as the knives were on a knife block on the counter nearby I wasn’t actually violent or aggressive but he twisted my assertion and confidence of wanting to have an adult discussion into something awful.

Explaining how he sometimes gets angry and hits walls.
His lack of respect for my family.
His uselessness with money.
His way or the highway.
The fucking drama.

Almost too good to be true, saying everything I needed to hear, his ex’s being difficult/abusive people, love bombing, saying we had a special connection, annoyed by daft things, lack of empathy. Things got worse as time went on by.

XH had a nasty habit of scowling in disgust at me if I did something 'wrong'. Never failed to upset me.

It was all part and parcel of his belief that he was Right in All Things and would never entertain the idea that he was Wrong.

Oh yes, the money. Totally comfortable with owing people money.

The Jekyll and Hyde personality: sweet, intelligent, ambitious, thoughtful and kind then the fighting, police run-ins and always someone else's fault.

Ex was diagnosed as having histrionic narcissistic personality disorder towards the end of our relationship. Give away signs:

• everything was about him. If I ever said ‘I don’t like X’, his answer would be ‘But I like X’, as if that settled the point and therefore we both had to like X.
• being extremely possessive; I couldn’t meet friends without him being around. If I had a work do, he would fret for weeks in advance of it, and pick me up early on the night.
• his mother, father, aunts and GM kissed the ground he walked on. He ended up with a massively inflated sense of his own accomplishments
• blamed me for his career setbacks
• watched Shark Week. Every year (if you’re American or Canadian you’ll understand)
• moved into my flat within weeks of our first date, uninvited
• extremely bad with money. Lied about making payments he’d missed on the car, etc.
• lazy as fuck.
• unable to accept personal or professional criticism/ constructive feedback. Demonised anyone who didn’t think he was God’s gift.
• had no friends and no ex
• pretended to be phobic about air travel, only when he didn’t want to go somewhere I really wanted to go. He was fine the rest of the time.
• didn’t seem to notice that his family relationships were fucked up, and his family were living in squalor with animal faeces everywhere (the smell 😱 eye watering). Was still happy to take money from his family when they desperately needed it and he didn’t (see below)
• didn’t get me a birthday present because he ‘didnt have time’ (he’d been unemployed for 9 months while I paid for everything)
• had unhealthy degree of admiration for his father and uncle
• another of his uncles tried to sexually assault me the first time we met.

And we still lasted 7 years! WTF was I thinking??? No wonder I look back on my 20s with regret. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Had profiles on hookup sites, heavy porn use/'high' sex drive/sex pest, heavy drinker. All the signs were there.

Cocaine.
8 children. Several crossover in age.
‘Crazy ex girlfriends’
Told me he loved me the second time we met.
Disappears for weeks on end.
Lies constantly about anything big or small...e.g. told me his dad was dead (he’s alive and well and they get on)
When I told him every ex of mine had been unfaithful bar one, his immediate response was “how do you know he wasn’t unfaithful too?”
He’s a joy.

Being jealous of my ex, and not wanting me to see said ex or friends who were also friends with my ex.
Crap with money, but found money for new clothes (which I have since discovered were affair gifts).

My ex husband woke in the middle of the night and then woke me, to tell me that I needed to moisturise my elbows as they were dry. Such a small, silly thing. But a red flag to all the emotional abuse he would put me through. So many more but still, I went with it x

ANYONE who gets so drunk they piss outside of a toilet. Instant dump.

The fact that his mother no longer spoke to him, that he'd had an affair with his brother's wife and he said we were "soulmates" after knowing him for only a month.

I ignored these, and many others. I married him, have him the best 15 years of my life and then he left me after many affairs and a huge amount of emotional abuse and domestic violence. Oh if only I'd known then what I know now.

Would not leave me alone for a second in the beginning.
All his exes were 'crazy' but in particular the one before me who wasn't actually an ex but the mother of the two children he admitted to, laid the groundwork very carefully for when he was caught.
Hid the existence of 3 children and got very angry with me when I expressed shock at finding out.
Had no friends (turns out he'd screwed them all over one way or another)
Left his job while he was 'staying' with me and made zero attempt to get another.
Told me repeatedly I was his soul mate and how much he loved me - but only when I caught him up to no good.
Drank, a lot.
Kicked off and smashed the house up if questioned on something that was suspicious.
Banned me from seeing male friends.

I didn't even have the excuse of youth. Just a need to be loved, I'd been single a long time, I thought this was what I'd been waiting for. Still feel like I deserved it sometimes. Think that says more about me than him.