Why can't I be happy for others?

[Wingingit9212]

Just that really? (not really an AIBU, but I couldn't find a more suitable home).

Anyway,,,, When people I know have good news, even those closest to me (with the exception of my family) there is always some underlying feeling of not being happy for them and god forbid being jealous?? It's a horrible feeling and absolutely stupid because it's usually relating to things I've already done... I.e.....

• Someone's engaged. I was engaged and I'm now married. But In the back of my head, "what if the ring is nicer, the wedding better, their day is more about them than mine was about me?"

-Someone's pregnant. I was pregnant and have a beautiful son. But hearing this I want to be pregnant again, have a newborn again.

-Someone's bought a house. I own a house. Brain is still a bitch.

You get the gist....

I guess my question is, do I need to speak to someone about this?

I really don't think I'm an intrinsically narcissistic, selfish person, but I just can't turn this bit of my brain off and I hate it!

Why am I always comparing and jealous? Does it hark to deeper insecurities I need to address or is it a natural thing?

Any advice would be appreciated :)

Sounds like you've got a massive fragile ego.

In my experience, egotistical people don't tend to be too big on introspection...

My Dsis has this problem, when she keeps her opinion to herself it is written all over her face. It is sad as she has so much beautiful home, properties, expensive holiday's. She also comments of things constantly not out of jealous but judgement.
She definitely doesn't suffer low self esteem more bitterness.

Another one who says the fact that you admit to having these feelings And don’t like having them is actually very positive, and shows self awareness. Think it’s totally human. And agree it just might be a sign that you need an outlet for competition. But think a lot of people act on these sorts of feelings without admitting to it. That’s when people get nasty. The fact that you are aware that you have these feelings means I think you will have the awareness not to act on them. Agree with a previous poster, acknowledge these feelings like you are doing and kind of tell yourself, I am thinking these negative thoughts and now letting them go. It’s when these thoughts fester When you tend to get bitter. .

I have certainly had moments where I have not been happy for people enjoying lock down

I see a lot of people already pointing to you as if the issue is just YOUR personal underlying angst. It's not just about you.

It's a national problem. As a people Brits are VERY jealous. We know we're very dissatisfied people. Half the country cannot stand to see the other half happy. Its time we all admitted it.

Racism is jealousy. Sexism is jealousy. There's class envy. Hate is jealousy and envy. The older generation are jealous of the younger. We feed he gossip rags because they pull the more successful down.. jealousy. We dont need statistics to tell us this .. and YES its not all people but its a lot.

Our politicians and newspapers (DM espec) KNOW IT,... they capitalise on the divisions, then profit from it. Instead of doing their jobs & helping us to figure out the deficiency underneath all, address it, and help our society to become much happier.

I commend you ...
@Wingingit9212 you are honest, you're owning your emotions, & self awareness is the first step to fixing it. ,

I am like this too. So is a friend. My friend’s dad’s friend told him he is suffering from “irrelevant competitiveness” and I think that sums it up perfectly. If I hear that something has happened to someone better than has happened to me, e.g. they have a bigger house, I immediately try to think of a way I outdo them e.g. I’m thinner or my child is better at maths. Totally pointless! I don’t know how to stop myself. I also have FOMO, do you have that too?

Could this have more to do with the person who tells you the event. Sometimes we are jealous of the attention someone else is getting. It comes from childhood sometimes, its similar to sibling rivalry. Your mum says the neighbours daughter got engaged, you feel angry because your Mum's attention went to that person and off you. But you direct the anger to the person she tells you about. If you are stuck at home with a baby you might be feeling this more because the reality is, everyone stampedes past us to look at our lovely baby!

It may be partly a natural reaction. It may be partly to do with low self-esteem. It may be partly to do with your depression.

But whatever it is, those thoughts aren't making you happy, are they? They're making your life more difficult, less enjoyable.

Could you do some kind of CBT-type exercises where you practise deliberately steering your thoughts away from that. "yes, I'm feeling like this, but I recognise this thought, it's not going to make me happy, so I'm going to think about THIS instead". Distract yourself. Don't go poking at it like a scab or a sore tooth.

It was so nice to read this thread. Honest and refreshing. I definitely have feelings like this too and feel like a bad person even tho I KNOW I'm not.

This thread is a year old 🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️

You should be able to train your own mind, to disperse all this negativity that you have about some things.. IF you keep thinking about these issues, they won't go away. You have to occupy yourself with something more purposeful in life.

This thread is a year old 🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️

So? Looks like it got 'resurrected' because it resonated with someone, and others too judging by the responses. Where's the harm in that?

I don't get you, Winging. Unless you're depressed in which case anything outside your own world is very difficult to process. At the moment a lot of people are naturally pessimistic.

Have you ever experienced sharing something really nice with another person and seeing them struggle to be pleased for you? It is so hurtful. We all have good and bad things in our lives and some that are fairly insignificant but please try and be glad if another person is happy about something - happiness can be infectious, resentment is corrosive.

MashedSpud Fri 03-Apr-20 02:11:43
This thread is a year old 🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️
......
Yes it is, there must be some purpose to it being resurrected though. Right now life is tough for so many and unworthy feelings rise up without warning. They don't help any situation but people cannot help how they feel.

However, why I was responding to you was to ask how you 'do' those little boxes which I've often seen on here and what do they mean? Be a and tell me please. Ta!

Well as Gore Vidal said: “it’s not enough for me to succeed. Others must fail”. I think he also said “every time a friend succeeds a little piece of me dies”!

I thought of Gore Vidal as soon as I read the OP's post.

You just sound honest to me, OP .

So? Looks like it got 'resurrected' because it resonated with someone, and others too judging by the responses. Where's the harm in that?

It's good for people to know it's a year old before they hit reply though. I almost wasted 10 minutes typing out a reply to an OP who's probably long gone. So thanks PP for pointing it out.

I didn't notice it was a zombie until after I replied. 🤣