Why can't I be happy for others?

[Wingingit9212]

Just that really? (not really an AIBU, but I couldn't find a more suitable home).

Anyway,,,, When people I know have good news, even those closest to me (with the exception of my family) there is always some underlying feeling of not being happy for them and god forbid being jealous?? It's a horrible feeling and absolutely stupid because it's usually relating to things I've already done... I.e.....

• Someone's engaged. I was engaged and I'm now married. But In the back of my head, "what if the ring is nicer, the wedding better, their day is more about them than mine was about me?"

-Someone's pregnant. I was pregnant and have a beautiful son. But hearing this I want to be pregnant again, have a newborn again.

-Someone's bought a house. I own a house. Brain is still a bitch.

You get the gist....

I guess my question is, do I need to speak to someone about this?

I really don't think I'm an intrinsically narcissistic, selfish person, but I just can't turn this bit of my brain off and I hate it!

Why am I always comparing and jealous? Does it hark to deeper insecurities I need to address or is it a natural thing?

Any advice would be appreciated :)

I’ve had this too. Not all the time but when my life isn’t going as I’d like. I’m not sure if it’s envy or jealousy. I don’t wish people ill but I’m definitely a bit resentful. I think it’s just human nature.

Right now I’m jealous of anyone who hasn’t just made them self feel sick eating easter egg.

scrimshaw I loved your post- true and eloquent.

I understand OP, as I experience this myself. I am very lonely and have significant issues in several aspects of my life and that definitely colours my views at times. Nothing remotely exciting has happened for me for about 6 years. Most people experience highs and lows - I get mundane and lows. So I do understand that pang, especially as some people seem to have utterly charmed lives.

I would talk to a therapist if I felt the way you do. It would give you more insight into how you feel. Two thoughts:
-someone will always have it better than you, someone will always have it worse

• someone’s light shining brightly in no way diminishes yours.

I hope you find peace and contentment.

OP I went through a short stage feeling like this, I have an idea what triggered it, i’ll explain after this, but it is polar opposite to how I normally felt. This is going to sound so bad🙈, but here’s my honesty, I would go on line and read the news- the bad news. Then I’d think to myself as we all do, ‘I couldn’t imagine that happening to me/ being in that situation/ watching that’ etc. It would always bring me back to that- be grateful for what you’ve got moment.

My trigger. I had a very good job in senior management, good salary, nice car, was saving to buy a home in an expensive area. Almost overnight my health took a nose dive. Within 18 months my relationship broke down. I had to move. Am now on benefits and living in housing association property with an old car as well!! So I think that complete shift made the green eyed monster raise its ugly head, but also I found no joy in others happiness because I was experiencing little.

On the plus side, I’m now in a new relationship with the most amazingly man, I’m hoping to start my own business in the field I was in, so am busily putting all the pieces together and my health is improving. Because of all that the ‘old me’ has returned. I actually went on fb for the first time in months a few days ago and I was genuinely really happy to see so much nice news on there.

I don't think that saying everyone gets this is helpful. Everyone doesn't. I generally don't, and the times in my life I have, which are very very few and far between, and I can honestly say I've never begrudged anyone anything, it's been more envy, as in lucky them.

And then it's because it's something I'd love and don't have.

To persistently react to someone's good news with negativity, when you you your self have that is not the norm. Let's not pretend it is as a way to make it acceptable. That doesn't help the op manage it.

What causes it, I've no idea, and would not attempt to diagnose the op, but saying it's rooted in a fundamental unhappiness seems to make sense.

I think a passing pang of wishing it was yourself is very different from being unable to feel happy for others.

My upbringing was underpinned by my DMums resentment of others who had more and she'd still pass this off as normal today. It's taken me years to realise how unhealthy this is.

@marylou1977

• someone’s light shining brightly in no way diminishes yours

I like this a lot.

Op, I feel a bit like this. Its human nature to an extent but then I realised that everyone's life is full of ups and downs. I now think: let them be happy. Let them have that moment. Two/five/ten years down the line the house could be gone, the husband dead, the child a nightmare, the job stressful. Isnt it all just perfect? but only for that particular time. There is so much pain and hurt in the world, I kind of think now, just lap it up (friend, relative, person), enjoy your happy times. Life will take away from them too op, as well as give.

Echoing what others have said, I think your feelings are very normal.

As a child, though, I was constantly compared to my peers and made to feel like I needed to do better than everyone else to make my parents happy. Eg my ‘A’ was all the more celebrated if my parents’ friends’ children all got Bs.

They were competitive themselves and quite insecure. This has at times fed into quite a pathological inability to feel happy for others who do well - I guess it makes me feel unworthy and somehow threatened. Could this be the case with you?

Thankgod I have found someone else who is like this, as I am too, in my case then it’s pretty obvious that I am deeply unhappy in my self and this is why I get jealous of other females, they always seem to have something that I don’t; bigger boobs, sound more adventurous in bed, etc, and it’s so bad that, and this will sound pathetic, but if I think my friend is prettier than me then I won’t have them around my boyfriend! I wouldn’t say I was ugly but I’m not what you call conventionally good looking though I get told I’m sexy a lot, but I want to be pretty and sexy, I’ve had boyfriends tell me that I’m beautiful but they probably have their blinkers on! I’m so too faced too, I like my pretty pals but I will say things like “well she’s not THAT pretty” and I know it’s nasty and pathetic! It’s like I can’t handle being around other attractive women! I feel like I never meet men that wanna wine and dine me and I once read, (it’s stupid now in hindsight) that men treat women better that are beautiful! How mad! I can’t keep being like this at all! I even think that I’m getting jealous of my daughter whose 16 because they always say that daughters are better versions of their mothers, if I didn’t have a gap in my 2 front teeth then I know for a fact I’d be prettier! Please help this insecure idiot!

Daily gratitude log, OP. Get a notebook and every single day write down at least three things you are grateful for from that day. It trains you to look for what's good about your life and as a result, you stop feeling so envious of others. It really, really works, I promise.

I also get obsessed with certain females on TV, not fancy them obsessed but like ‘I wish I was them’ obsessed, I went through it with my first loves girlfriend after me (she was beautiful back then and she’s a ring girl now) yet I was quite flattered that he went with both of us as we’re worlds apart, she was blonde and blueyed and some men just go nuts for blondes, I then got obsessed with Natasha Giggs (anyone remember her-the sis of law of Ryan Giggs, they had an affair for 8 years) when she went into Celeb Big Brother back in 2012, I thought she was such a natural stunner and she had so much sex appeal even wearing jogging bottoms, what the fuck is wrong with me? I even went through an obsessions with Cheryl Cole! Am I just a fucking weirdo? A few weeks ago I was told that I was the spit of Meghan Markle and I was elated to say the least, when I have a tan and wear my hair up then I have to admit that I do look a tad like her! Some men either find me repulsive (gap in teeth to blame I feel) or quite pretty/beautiful/sexy, but I’m not conventionally sexy, I feel so inferior around beautiful women! I have had really gorgeous guys after me though so I suppose that’s nice but I’ll admit I want to be gorgeous to most! Maybe if I was better looking then I’d get tested better, on the other hand I see some ‘models’ and think ‘wtf, is she can be a model then why can’t I?’ Again that’s me putting others down!!

Any advice for this poster Bridgetrielly?

I think it is totally normal, OP. I think we all struggle with these sour feelings, even if we're happy and stable, pregnant and in a wonderful home!
For me, I am fully aware that it's a 'me' problem and I feel particularly badly when I am depressed or lonely (both together). My marriage is a lonely one. I don't really know if I would have wanted another baby for example, but the fact that I know I didn't have another baby because I NEVER have sex (thanks, 'D'H) makes me bitter. When friends are pregnant, I want so much to remember that joy, that time in my life when DH and I had a good sex life and we were having babies. It's all dried up and sometimes I don't even notice how much it's broken me. I just don't think about. Instead, I feel jealous of other people's happiness because I miss my own. I guess, deep down, in that one area of my life, I am unhappy. That's not healthy.

I also feel that men like me more coz of personality but that’s not a bad thing but it’s like saying ‘your not that gorgeous but your personality made me fall for you’, I also feel more validated if my boyfriends pals fancy me which is utterly pathetic and makes me sound 15!

I have a friend like this. I moved in to a new house a few months ago and she only came around last week and I know it was because she was jealous, even though she got a new house 2 years ago. She doesnt like people having babies. She doesnt like good things happening to people. She doesnt like people getting married. She doesnt like people with better jobs etc. Even though they're all her friends, you can see it in her expressions if you really know her. She is deeply unhappy but always hides it and tries to fill her life with gigs and nights out and spending her obscenely high salary (moans about only having £1k left on the last 4 days of the month for example 🙄 while the rest of us are trying to manage on £20).

It's called being bitter. You need to fix whats unhappy in your life and focus on you, not what other people have or do. When you're happy and content you don't give a shit what other people have.

You sound hard on yourself eg a bit overweight which is very normal after pregnancy. Do you try to be perfect? I mean this kindly? Even feeling a bit jealous is ok. As already said just recognise it and move on. You are never going to get everything right and fleeting thoughts can come but unless you focus on them they are not really you. It's obvious you have a kind heart or you wouldn't care.
Also l think it's no harm to be more honest about these things. I have a few friends and if we are chatting about someone's good fortune we know we can in honesty say...grrrr.. so jealous...then laugh and move on.
Don't build it into a big thing.
Keeping a gratitude diary might help as it shows you are grateful and helps you focus on good things.
But over all go easy on yourself.

I read a great thing once about how you can train yourself to be happy for other people. Obviously I can't remember where I read it, which isn't super helpful, but hope it helps just knowing that it's a thing you can do, and look into further if you want to change.

Like, if you work on your empathy enough, you really can get so that when good things happen to others, it's as if it's happening to you. Not in a mad hippy way, just a good way, warmth and humanity and all that.

Some people want to be the only cock that's crowing. If they all crow, it's not that big of a deal.

If we're all stinking rich, you don't come across as more successful than the next person.

In ppl I know like this, I put it down to low self esteem and not being as happy as they say they are. Perhaps other people's happiness is a trigger for a difficult time in their childhood and they have an internal desire be show those who had little faith, that they have what it takes.

In others I get the impression that they were the disadvantaged ones in childhood and have strived to do well for themselves and be seen as successful, unlike when they were on the other side....Except when other people are doing well...they don't stand out as they hoped.

I spoke with someone once who said she found it annoying that she always struggled to get what she had. She had crap relationships...until she found the one. Then she struggled with conceiving and was in her words felt hard done by that her friend, who had multiple relationships... messed good guys around and had a few abortions ....married a great guy... and got pregnant immediately.

She did have a child of her own...but the ease with which her friend conceived... when she hadn't been "a good girl" was an issue for her. She felt it all fell in her friends lap effortlessly.

My words to her were that you don't know what your friend has been through deep down and you only know what she wants you to know.

I’m so glad I found this post, I have an 8 week old baby which is my first and I am so in love with him but feel and have felt really low and anxious since being pregnant. I’ve literally just had a message from a friend telling me she’s pregnant and I am shocked at how ‘blank’ I feel. I of course congratulated her as I am happy but I also feel unhappy! I daren’t tell my partner as I worry what he’ll think.

OMG! This is perfectly natural. Everyone has this fleeting feeling. Nice people suck it up and are happy for their friends. It would be worrying if you let if affect how you interacted with people. From your post it sounds like you are managing to deal with this pretty well on your own and just needed a bit of validation. Feel free to carry on! Be supportive of the ones you love.

If you're generally unhappy others happiness & achievements can grate. Or are you naturally competitive? There is always going to be someone who has 'more' than you, but we all value different things differently. I don't value posh cars, designer clothes & 'stuff'. I value my home, my friends, my pets. My close friend values a partner. Any partner is better than no-one, nothing else matters to her, not friends, family etc.

This is interesting, and I think if everybody were to be honest, they could identify with it to a greater or lesser extent.

I feel like it must be tied into self esteem- I've never really wanted a lot of the conventional things that people enjoy in life (don't want a wedding, not bothered about owning a house etc.)
BUT from childhood I was always told I was smart, and I think a combination of me being an avid reader and having a number of nerdy interests (silly, I know) has earned me a reputation for being intelligent.
Now, whenever somebody else is congratulated on THEIR intelligence, or does something to highlight their own brand of smarts, my initial response is often irritation and envy (although as you have said, it is fleeting and I never allow it to manifest in my behaviour).

I think it might link to how we define ourselves and where our sense of self-worth comes from. That we worry that seeing another person succeed where we have succeeded before might devalue us in some way.

That said, if you feel like it's having a negative impact on your life or on your own view of yourself, I have found talking therapies to be amazing for working through my own issues. Maybe give it a try?