Why can't I be happy for others?

[Wingingit9212]

Just that really? (not really an AIBU, but I couldn't find a more suitable home).

Anyway,,,, When people I know have good news, even those closest to me (with the exception of my family) there is always some underlying feeling of not being happy for them and god forbid being jealous?? It's a horrible feeling and absolutely stupid because it's usually relating to things I've already done... I.e.....

• Someone's engaged. I was engaged and I'm now married. But In the back of my head, "what if the ring is nicer, the wedding better, their day is more about them than mine was about me?"

-Someone's pregnant. I was pregnant and have a beautiful son. But hearing this I want to be pregnant again, have a newborn again.

-Someone's bought a house. I own a house. Brain is still a bitch.

You get the gist....

I guess my question is, do I need to speak to someone about this?

I really don't think I'm an intrinsically narcissistic, selfish person, but I just can't turn this bit of my brain off and I hate it!

Why am I always comparing and jealous? Does it hark to deeper insecurities I need to address or is it a natural thing?

Any advice would be appreciated :)

I used to feel like this a lot and about a lot of things - if someone earns more, has a nicer car or goes on more holidays etc etc etc (and still have weaker moments where it comes back). I know exactly how you feel. Its toxic and exhausting and more than anything confusing - cause I don't want their life and am really happy with my own.

I've made a real effort to remember what i have and how its ok that people have more or the same or different as me. And i had to really fake the happiness until I actually really honestly felt happy for them, i really think it can be a learned behaviour.

Its a massive modern day FOMO curse, we all want to be the showstopper winners all the time, which is really unrealistic. And I think this is a very honest post - lots of people are too afraid to admit it.

I have a beautiful engagement ring, had the wedding of my dreams and am married to a gorgeous guy, yet when someone got engaged at work recently I felt sad, fleetingly, but it was there. I enjoyed the build up and excitement to our wedding day so much that I felt envious that they would be experiencing the wonderful feelings that I won’t ever feel again. Silly really as I’m so happy being married and with my life as it currently stands ! Have just moved into a lovely house so am on cloud nine about that at the moment, but give it a year and I’ll be feeling the same feelings if someone tells me they are moving into a new home I honestly feel really happy for them, I just love that feeling of anticipation, it’s kind of addictive.

I think it's natural to have fleeting thoughts like these. You're human.

The issue is that you then worry and fixate on the fleeting thoughts long after they've faded away.

Have you considered trying out a change in how you respond to the thoughts rather than agonising about being unable to eliminate them?

E.g. Noticing the thought, allowing it to do its thing, and then letting it fade away without beating yourself up for a prolonged period afterwards?

I could have written your post op.
It’s crazy! I have a lovely husband, a daughter who I adore, a nice home and so on. I’m very happy.

As an example, I’m jealous of my friend now about to have her baby.
In reality though, I really struggled in the beginning and have my rose tinted glasses on. I often describe those first 8 weeks as the worst time of my life.

I am happy for people but have this feeling of jealously also.
I think it’s great you’ve been so honest because I think a lot of people feel this way.
It’s actually good to read about others who feel the same.

Everybody has these feelings and everybody who says they don’t are lying, nobody is 100% happy all of the time and everybody experiences feeling of jealousy. If it’s impacting on your life it’s not healthy and if you act on the jealousy it’s time to get help but to just feel a bit miffed or jealous is fine and natural.

Reading your 21:35 post and I genuinely don't get why you keep calling yourself a bitch. The only way in which you seem remotely "bitchy" is in the unkind way you talk to and about yourself!

Maybe self compassion would be more helpful than "brutal honesty" (that just seems like an excuse to be unkind to yourself)?

Thanks for the thread, glad to see I'm not the only one! I've always had to work at silencing my jealousy. When I was younger it would be very materialistic/shallow based and I'd be jealous of rich pretty girls. Now I get the fleeting jealousy that you described when a friend gets a promotion, or gets into an exciting new relationship.
I do agree with PP that in my case it's usually what I'm missing that I become jealous over, and when I've been happy in these areas I've not felt that jealousy for others. I always am happy for my friends just need to ignore the quick pang of competitiveness I get at the beginning!

If it does continue I say to myself 'well do something about it then'. E.g if I feel this way because someone is doing well in their career then I ought to be inspired and do something about it!

@BossAssBitch you may be bang on the money with it being that someone else is feeling something I've already felt/experienced and I'm worried I'll never get that 'high' again! 😱

Op, I don't think you are alone. Like a pp said these feelings can be more apparent when things aren't going great.

Whenever I am struggling with something or someone I find that if I take my focus off it and focus on something else that makes me feel good I immediately feel better. So, if someone announces their engagement, congratulate them but dismiss it in your mind and do something that makes you feel happy.

Also, can you give yourself a bit more time and attention? Try to eat a bit better, sign up for an exercise class or yoga? You may find a few small changes might help.

I get it. And it can be some people in particular. For example I have one friend who when we are struggling to conceive announces she's pregnant, we're buying a new house her daddy buys her a bigger house, I get a new car she gets a better one etc etc. I love her to bits but it still makes me jealous. I think it's called being human.

If this wasn’t a recognised phenomenon OP it wouldn’t have a name - but it does: schadenfreude. Or probably more accurately the inverse of that- ‘Freudenschade’. Really common and I’m sure we all have it at times!

I totally get the bizarre jealousy about things you’ve already had like when someone gets engaged or pregnant. I have 2 wonderful kids (still both under 2, so recent as well!) but still feel a twinge of envy when someone announces a pregnancy. I think it’s because once you’ve had your first child you’ll never experience that anticipation and novelty again.

I can totally relate OP, but I know that in my case is because I am quite unhappy at the moment, so seeing other people happy makes me feel like shit.

Having said that, I think that this:

E.g. Noticing the thought, allowing it to do its thing, and then letting it fade away without beating yourself up for a prolonged period afterwards?

is the way to go

I DEFINITELY get this. Like you, I do try not to verbalise it. If I do, it’s only to my DH. For me, it’s worse when it’s a person that’s younger than me being (in my perception) more successful than me. I have a friend—whom I love—but she just got promoted again and while she thoroughly deserves everything she has it still makes me feel ‘why aren’t I the most successful?’ And I’ll berate myself for weeks...

I can’t relate to this for friends, I always feel happy for them like it happened to me. The feeling is the same. But for people I don’t like... I’d hate them even more for it. I don’t feel jealous, but more anger that they don’t deserve it because they are such an arsehole type feeling. But no, for friends I don’t feel this way. Maybe it’s the depression.

I used to feel like this, but more on the sad side than jealous. Then I'd feel sad that I didn't feel nothing but happiness for the other person. Then I'd feel sad that I felt sad.

It's human nature. Now I am much happier with my lot, not a lot bothers me. It's sad (again!) though that it took my feeling satisfied with my lot to feel genuine happiness for other people's personal successes or accomplishments. But then I spent so many years feeling unsuccessful and subservient or "less than" other people that I forgive myself

It doesn't make you a bad person! I used to write down my resentments in a secret word document (password protected!) and spill out all my petty and resentful and sad thoughts. Every so often I deleted the lot, but it helped at the time to let all my pent-up feelings out in a safe space that didn't bother anyone else.

I think I understand this feeling.

I don’t get it all the time but where people in my life have treated me badly I do get jealous or maybe cross when they have positive achievements.

Example 1 - my best friend for years ditched me as soon as I left my abusive ex husband.
Haven’t heard of her since.
A mutual friend told me she was expecting a baby.
In a mild way I am happy for her on a level that I understand how hard it is to become pregnant (in my experience) but I’m also angry that she is having this joyous moment when she ditched me and hasn’t cared enough about my life since the split

Example 2 - a relative treated me badly when I bought a house with my DP (now DH) and again when I had a baby.
I know that they treated me badly because they were jealous as they desperately wanted to get on property ladder and struggled previously getting pregnant (like I did)
When they did finally buy their house, although I was pleased for them that they finally got their dream and that they no longer had a reason to be jealous anymore themselves, I was also left feeling angry that they treated me badly and why should they deserve the joy of new home ownership without someone being awful to them

Low self esteem

OP, you sound human and honest. The fact that you're becoming aware of this tendency means you are also compassionate and looking for a better way to live. That's brave!

Jealousy doesn't come out of nowhere. It comes when we're clinging to the thought that any one thing will be THE thing to make us happy. We think the house will make us happy, the marriage, the baby, etc etc. Slowly, you are realising that all these things - while they can be deeply wanted, wonderful and amazing - can't address the issue of happy/not happy.

These things all can be great sources of joy, of course. But I think we can have a wish list and spend a lot of energy trying to get there. We think we're unhappy because we don't have a, b, c or d yet. In fact, we're not happy because we're clinging to dreams and things outside, and avoiding looking inside, where the real answers lie.

Counselling or therapy sounds like a really good idea. It's a well worn cliche that happiness comes from within ... because it's true. Finding deep happiness is not (I don't think) necessarily that complicated, but that doesn't make it easy!

A very human struggle.

Wishing you all the best. x

Hi OP I do think it's common but I do think it's related to feeling low, low self esteem or loneliness and isolation.

It's really not having that generosity of spirit and love for others that comes from a secure genuine place.
I think it would help you to look into making more connections and friends. Once you can regain that generosity it ironically helps you in many many ways to feel happier and more connected in turn X

Great post scrimshaw agree with every word you say!

Wtf? I really can't relate to this at all. If a friend or family member has good news I feel pleased for them. A sibling recently moved to a Riverside apartment with a view of meadows, the river and a cathedral. Lovely walks from right outside the front door with great eateries and pubs on the banks of the river.

They are so happy and I am happy for them.

I don't think it is natural to feel jealous or envious of others as some have stated. It is normal to feel happy for those we love and/or like.

Sorry btw if that sounded a bit patronising, it's truly not, I've been there myself x

You sound like you are happy for others but always with that initial jealous feeling which you don't like to have but do.

I don't do this (don't think I'm kidding myself). However I do have initial and unconscious reactions to other things which my logical brain doesn't always understand. But still I get the (unworthy) feeling.

IMHO it's exactly the kind of thing to explore through psychotherapy. You would learn so much about yourself. And what's interesting is when you've figured out what's behind that unconscious reaction, it often disappears.

I don't want to pry into your childhood/ history but that'd be a good place to start thinking about and if your experiences/ learned behaviour from then are behind that fleeting unpleasantness.

"Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies" ~ Gore Vidal

Well as Gore Vidal said: “it’s not enough for me to succeed. Others must fail”. I think he also said “every time a friend succeeds a little piece of me dies”!

I totally understand and hate it in myself too. But it’s obviously common - ish.