Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To expect more effort from DM

62 replies

Lifeonmars77 · 24/04/2019 13:04

This could be a long one so apologies in advance - don't want to drip feed and there are a few factors.

My husband and I, with our two boys, moved away from our home town almost two years ago - 80 miles, 1.5 hour journey. In that time, DM has visited twice. The first time I had to drive up there to pick her up and then drive 30 miles to our nearest coach station to drop her off for her return journey home. The train apparently wasn't an option as you have to change twice and it takes about 3 hours, fair enough.

The second time she got the coach down here and back home again but we had to make the same 60 mile round trip to pick her up and drop her off at the coach station. There is a direct bus both at her end and mine.

She has a real issue with getting public transport, is 'afraid' of trains, buses, getting on the wrong one etc. Even when we lived in our hometown 8 miles from her, we would only see her if we visited or if we picked her up to bring her back to ours.

Since my DF passed away in 1993, she chose to get rid of the car (even though she can drive) and everyone (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, mostly me) pandered to her and for the last 25 years only ever goes anywhere if she can get someone to take her.

It's been a bone of contention since I moved away and it really hurts that she won't make the effort. This weekend I asked her if she would come down and visit in May for our DS's Rugby presentation (we've just found out he's getting Player of the Year) which I thought she would love to do... but I just got hit with excuses... 'Oh well I'll have to see if uncle x can get me to the bus station, but he's due an operation...' There's a direct bus service to the coach station from the end of her road that takes 20 mins by the way.

AIBU to just tell her to get out of her fucking bubble and make the effort to see us, more so her grandchildren?? It feels like we're not worth the effort and it's massively upsetting me.

Sorry that was long, thanks for reading Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeonmars77 · 24/04/2019 13:05

By the way I should add that I've been visiting her every 2 months or so since we moved, otherwise I get guilt tripped for her not seeing the kids.

OP posts:
FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 24/04/2019 13:07

When you say she is 'afraid' of public transport are you implying she isn't really afraid of it but is lying because she can't be arsed seeing you? If so I can see why you're hurt. If she is genuinely scared of it then maybe have a little compassion. Could you offer to pay for her taxi to the coach station her end then pick her up your end? To be honest if my mum was taking a coach to visit me I'd be happy to drive her from the station.

Is she enthusiastic to see you when it doesn't involve public transport?

araiwa · 24/04/2019 13:07

Id just leave her to it

And id stop any emotional blackmail too

kaldefotter · 24/04/2019 13:09

You're the ones who moved away so to suggest she needs get out of her "fucking bubble" seems pretty unkind.

That said, I couldn't be arsed with the guilt tripping. When she tries that, just keep reminding her that you visit her as often as you can, and that she's welcome to visit you. All further whinging from her should be met with "oh well, never mind".

BlingLoving · 24/04/2019 13:10

YANBU overall, but.... this has been going on for over 25 years. I think it's a bit late to expect her to change her approach now. MIL is similar and it does drive me crazy, but the only way I can reduce my irritation is sometimes making it clear that I can/will only do x or y or z and if that means we can't see her or she can't do whatever it is she wants to do, then so be it.

NoSauce · 24/04/2019 13:12

She has a real issue with getting public transport, is 'afraid' of trains, buses, getting on the wrong one etc. Even when we lived in our hometown 8 miles from her, we would only see her if we visited or if we picked her up to bring her back to ours

And you still expect her to travel 80 miles when you know she has a real problem with public transport?

It doesn’t sound like she’s not making an effort but has a phobia about going places on her own! I think you need to have a bit more empathy with her if I’m honest.

Seeline · 24/04/2019 13:14

How old is she?

I think if you moved away, you can't really complain.

WinterWife · 24/04/2019 13:21

I kind of see both sides. Yes she's a huge pain in the arse and should make more of an effort to see your kids but this has been going on for 25 years and you knew what she was like way before you moved home so why expect her to make the effort now?.

Shit situation OP. Agree with PP around the emotional abuse too

FriarTuck · 24/04/2019 13:21

It doesn’t sound like she’s not making an effort but has a phobia about going places on her own
This ^^. Particularly since she'd also got rid of the car once DF died and hence she'd be on her own in it. It sounds like she's really nervous about it (my mum is a bit similar) and you're not understanding at all.

DizzySue · 24/04/2019 13:22

Is she elderly and / or genuinely afraid and anxious about public transport? Does this anxiety limit her social life? If so YABU and not very supportive it understanding (just because you aren't anxious driving or using public transport dues not mean it's not very real for her)

However, if she's happy to hop on and off buses and trains to do things and see people regularly, but just can't be arsed coming to see you then YANBU.

Original poster
Lifeonmars77 · 24/04/2019 13:22

@Fredflintstonemadeofbones There could be a genuine anxiety there, which I've said to her (if it's true) she should seek help with it because her lack of willingness to do anything is restricting her freedom too. A taxi isn't an option unfortunately, we certainly can't afford that but if she was willing to get herself to the coach station her end, I'll always be willing to pick her up this end and drop her back there.

@kaldefotter So because we were the ones that moved away, we should be the ones having to make the effort every time? I accept that my words were unkind and shouldn't be so, but just writing about it again has made me upset and angry.

It is the guilt tripping that's hard, especially when the kids want to see grandma and demanding we keep going up there. She's already had my 7 year old believe she doesn't come to us as often because she 'can't' get there.

OP posts:
BumpIntheNite · 24/04/2019 13:25

YABU to not be a little more understanding if she has a genuine anxiety disorder that makes public transport terrifying.

That's a real tell that she couldn't do a train journey with 2 changes, that would scare the shit out of me.

I'm in CBT for my anxiety issues, has your DM sought any help? It's limiting her life and affecting yours.

BumpIntheNite · 24/04/2019 13:29

OP from your update would it help if you knew she wasn't making effort not because she doesn't want to, but because she feels she can't?

I have a lot of empathy for her, it's incredibly frustrating to feel overwhelmed by things other people find normal and easy.

Does she work? See friends? Have hobbies? Or is her world quite limited to a safe sort of bubble?

NoSauce · 24/04/2019 13:33

You seem to have very little understanding regarding anxiety OP.

FuriousCheekyFucker · 24/04/2019 13:34

Is this another Mumsnet parallel universe, where anyone who "moves away" more than one mile from where they were born is expected to do all the running and maintenance in a family relationship?

Roads, Rail, Boats and even Aircraft travel both ways along routes, to suggest its one persons "fault" for "moving away" as the reason to why the relationship is suffering is at the least ignorant, and at the most an excuse for sheer bloody idleness.

People "move away" for many many legitimate reasons. Get over yourselves for not having the courage to move out of your fucking bubbles.

FriarTuck · 24/04/2019 13:36

She's already had my 7 year old believe she doesn't come to us as often because she 'can't' get there.
But if you do have anxiety then you really believe you can't. And you can't, because it's too difficult mentally. You're seeing it still as she doesn't want to make the effort when in reality it sounds more like she really wants to but genuinely can't. And anxiety is NOT that easy to just get over.

Thymeout · 24/04/2019 13:36

This is a form of agoraphobia. It's a v real condition. It's not just a question of 'making an effort'. My aunt had it. She was also widowed relatively young. It's not rational and you can't argue her out of it. When she says she doesn't come to see you often, because she 'can't' get there on her own, it's true. It's like fear of flying. There is treatment, but it won't be a quick fix.

Re the taxi, I think pp meant instead of the bus trip to the station at her end. Could she manage a taxi? It shouldn't be that expensive.

I don't think you should take it personally and be hurt on behalf of your dcs. Just have a little empathy.

babysharkah · 24/04/2019 13:36

You moved. If you want to see her facilitate it.

Original poster
Lifeonmars77 · 24/04/2019 13:39

I have a very good understanding of anxiety, which I have had to seek extensive help for and had to work hard at through a variety of methods and medication.

She doesn't have anxiety about buses when she goes off to do her shopping or visit other family locally, although I appreciate a longer journey would be more stressful.

What would be nice is if she accepts she has an anxiety issue and makes some small effort to even get help for that... that would be a start.

OP posts:
Reallyevilmuffin · 24/04/2019 13:43

I could write this word for word about MIL. Luckily BIL loves with her still despite being around 30 and is her personal taxi. She just won't Contemplate public transport at all. He is moving out soon so no idea what she will do now. But wouldn't keep on at her about it, she won't change now.

BumpIntheNite · 24/04/2019 13:44

She doesn't have anxiety about buses when she goes off to do her shopping or visit other family locally

That's because they're local journey's that she feels safe doing.

Honestly, if you've suffered from anxiety you should be more understanding and sympathetic.

It's incredibly painful, exhausting and difficult to face your anxiety - especially with agoraphobia related disorders. If she's not ready to do that, it's your place to support her and not judge her negatively. That's not fair.

AllNewCheeses · 24/04/2019 13:49

Does she really want to visit? If so, you can get assisted travel on trains (basically someone to help see you on and off at connections). They cater for physically disabled or older passengers. Once she's done the journey a couple of times, would she be ok on her own if she used the same route?

EL8888 · 24/04/2019 13:49

@FuriousCheekyFucker err yeah it does feel like that to me

Personally l think she does need to make more effort, it shouldn’t all be 1 way traffic. The driving to get her is a good one -my mum has tried that on me before. I would let her get on with it as lm not into running around after people. Treatment for overcoming phobias by the way typically involves exposure to things

DownStreet · 24/04/2019 13:51

I think if you’re genuinely anxious about travelling you should at least appreciate that others may struggle, too. OP has taken plenty of trouble to take her family of 4 to visit.

We have this with SIL who doesn’t like coming to London - completely understandable. But doesn’t seem to think anything of us having to take multiple trains on a 5+ hour journey with a 3 and 1 year old.

Seeline · 24/04/2019 13:51

How old is she OP?

Swipe left for the next trending thread