AIBU To expect more effort from DM

[Lifeonmars77]

This could be a long one so apologies in advance - don't want to drip feed and there are a few factors.

My husband and I, with our two boys, moved away from our home town almost two years ago - 80 miles, 1.5 hour journey. In that time, DM has visited twice. The first time I had to drive up there to pick her up and then drive 30 miles to our nearest coach station to drop her off for her return journey home. The train apparently wasn't an option as you have to change twice and it takes about 3 hours, fair enough.

The second time she got the coach down here and back home again but we had to make the same 60 mile round trip to pick her up and drop her off at the coach station. There is a direct bus both at her end and mine.

She has a real issue with getting public transport, is 'afraid' of trains, buses, getting on the wrong one etc. Even when we lived in our hometown 8 miles from her, we would only see her if we visited or if we picked her up to bring her back to ours.

Since my DF passed away in 1993, she chose to get rid of the car (even though she can drive) and everyone (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, mostly me) pandered to her and for the last 25 years only ever goes anywhere if she can get someone to take her.

It's been a bone of contention since I moved away and it really hurts that she won't make the effort. This weekend I asked her if she would come down and visit in May for our DS's Rugby presentation (we've just found out he's getting Player of the Year) which I thought she would love to do... but I just got hit with excuses... 'Oh well I'll have to see if uncle x can get me to the bus station, but he's due an operation...' There's a direct bus service to the coach station from the end of her road that takes 20 mins by the way.

AIBU to just tell her to get out of her fucking bubble and make the effort to see us, more so her grandchildren?? It feels like we're not worth the effort and it's massively upsetting me.

Sorry that was long, thanks for reading

I'm really sorry if I'm coming across as unsympathetic, over the years I have tried to be as supportive as I can but how can you help someone that won't accept help or even make the smallest effort?

There is also the very real possibility that she doesn't have anxiety or agoraphobia or anything like that. Could it be possible she just doesn't want to?

It’s understandable for her not be anxious when visiting local friends because she is familiar with the route. I don’t understand how you can be so lacking in empathy if you are familiar with anxiety yourself.

Why do you think she’s unwilling to visit you if it’s not her anxiety?

Does she /should she wear glasses? Is her eyesight doubting her able to see bus /train times etc?

I do think if you move away it is normal that you do more of the leg work with visits than the family left behind. That's something you take into account before you move. It does sound like she's genuinely worried about the journey to me. Would it really be too expensive to pay (perhaps half) of the taxi fair to the coach station her end then pick her up your end? I think a lift to/from the station is par for the course when you have family visiting. How is she generally? Is she lonely?
It's normal to not be concerned by short local journeys but be terrified by unfamiliar longer ones.

"She has a real issue with getting public transport, is afraid of buses, trains, getting on the wrong one etc"
She has been this way for 25 years since your DF died.

YABVU to suggest you should tell her to get out of her bubble and expect her to just overcome a 25-year anxiety issue. Often people's anxieties come to the forefront following a bereavement. She suffers anxiety, clearly lacks self-confidence and has no trust in herself. This doesn't sound like stuff she's making up to get transported around by others. Why would she do that when she has been independent and driven a car up until your DF died?

Maybe she needs counselling to help her overcome her fears and some understanding from you rather than condemnation?

It sounds like a MH issue to me.

As much as it hurts to face facts, she doesn’t want to make the effort to see you. She’s being quite clear really both by past behaviour and current excuses. Unfortunately you need to find a way to make your peace with it. Even if that means taking a step back. When a relationship feels all one sided, it usually is.

P.S I moved one hour away from my home town. I still travel there once or twice a month to see family. My family come to my house once a year on my Birthday and always spend the first 20 minutes complaining about how long the journey takes, why did I move so far etc.
I never ask for more then that one visit a year because it’s not worth it.

On the benefit claim form for Personal Independence Payment it asks claimants whether they can manage journeys to familiar places by themselves and also whether they need accompanying to unfamiliar places. There is a reason why that is asked of people suffering MH issues.

She’s being quite clear really both by past behaviour and current excuses

How do you know it's an excuse and not an anxiety disorder?

OP it sounds as though her life is limited due to her anxiety and her coping mechanisms (relying on others) used over the past 25 years are keeping the anxiety going.

A simple approach would be to ask her how she feels.
"DM, would you like to find it easier to take public transport?"

Not in relation to you, but for herself. See what she says.

OP’s words “ I just got hit with excuses “

Not everybody who can’t be bothered to do something has an undiagnosed disorder.

DM, would you like to find it easier to take public transport?

I have asked this. Her response was "Oh I think I'm just too old now, I'm past all that" She's 67. Quite active, sociable and happy in all other ways... if it's something she wants to do, otherwise forget it.

She was supposed to come down the Christmas before last. My cousin had offered her a lift to the coach station previously, all she had to do was get in touch and arrange it. She didn't. She lied to me and told me said cousin was having her DH family to stay after all so couldn't take her. She ended up staying home for Christmas and going to my Aunt's. I did speak to my cousin about something else a month or so later and asked if she had a nice time with DH's family at Christmas... she had no idea what I was talking about. No one had come to stay with her for Christmas and DM hadn't contacted her at all.

Wait, you can only be bothered to go and visit her every two months or so? Almost like she's not worth the effort, no?

Hi OP I can totally relate. My mom lives 5 miles from me and NEVER visits my house unless I pick her up and drop her off. This is also true for anywhere else she needs/wants to go. To the point where I can pop round at 4pm and she hasn't left the house because she thought I "would've known" that she needed me to take her to the shops. The shops she could easily walk to. She very kindly looks after my children sometimes while I'm at work so I think in her mind it's the least I can do. It's exhausting and causes many an argument with my husband. My time is never my own. Unfortunately, I've let it go too far now but some days I feel really fed up of it all. In her defense she did struggle massively with the menopause and I think that affected her MH and anxiety.

@Millie2018 I wanted to say this myself but I'm already feeling anxious now that people are judging me as a cold hearted bitch for being hurt by DM's actions

Honestly, I cant believe you mind taking her to and from the bus station when she gets the coach down.

I think if you want to have a relationship with her you need to go and get her and take her home. It’s only 80 miles, 1.5 hours. I have to do that once a week to see my DF.

FWIW Making the effort visit every two months alongside a full time job, two small children, their sports clubs and a husband that works shifts is not always easy, but I do it. Making that trip twice to pick her up and drop her off to visit us just 'wouldn't work for us' to coin a mumsnet phrase.

I've said in a previous post, I don't mind the coach station trip at all. It's not always easy with the kids but I'd gladly do it if she made her own way to the coach station her end!

Did you call her out on the lying Christmas? What did she say?

@Lifeonmars77
I get it. My Dad is 67. When Mum was ill i drove the 2 hour trip 2 times a week with a newborn to give him a break. I’d stay at his house all day. Since she died he manages to drive to his hobby twice a week. Weekends away with the lads etc. Still only comes to my house once a year on my birthday and the whole family complain and constantly ask why did I move so far. I never ask them to come here as a result. I still see him once or twice a month when I drive with 2 kids and take him out for lunch. He does loads of stuff to help out local siblings. Baby sitting, DIY etc. Never does any of this for me.
I’ve just accepted the situation. Hope my children have some fond memories of him. I stopped feeling bitter about it after I accepted I couldn't change him - many, many declined invitations and a couple of years later.

I'd tell her the trip to hers is becoming too much for you.
So she comes to you and you'll get her from the coach station.
Then 8 weeks later you'll go to her?
Puts some of the relationship back to her.
I wouldn't get involved with what's happening at her end, you'll never know whether it's anxiety or she's swinging the lead.

I did call her out on the lying during an already heated argument (not the best move I know) and continue the lie... insisted she had made the call. So I asked is she calling cousin a liar then and she just looked me in the eye, laughed and shook her head in a dismissive way. Apparently I was being ridiculous. I gave up at that point, she refused to take any accountability for the lies. There are other times she's been caught out lying.

For those that have view that I was the one who moved, so the effort should all be on me - We have made a nice life for ourselves down here, we have a lovely home and other things we'd like her to share, see and be part of, that's all.

@Lifeonmars77

For those that have view that I was the one who moved, so the effort should all be on me - We have made a nice life for ourselves down here, we have a lovely home and other things we'd like her to share, see and be part of, that's all.

It's only on Mumsnet where people who have the temerity to move more than 1 mile from they were born are social lepers. in the real world, it's accepted that many people have many good reasons to move away from the family teat.

My brother and sister - in 26 years of me living away - have never ever visited my house. My brother (who has enough brass neck he should weigh it in for the scrap value) visited my town for his friends DC christening - yet couldn't be arsed to travel 3 more miles to pop in for a cuppa. You would honestly think it's because I live on Mars, not 45 miles down the A1. It's okay though, they're a pair of cunts so i don't miss them at all.

@Lifeonmars77 thats a fair amount of commitments so l can see why it’s tricky for you. Your mother needs to make some effort as well, it seems whatever is suggested to her isn’t suitable for her?

if she could take one mode of transport door to door it would be entirely different. Transfers mean problems. Standing at random bus stops for transfers can be dangerous depending on where those stops are. I absolutely refuse to take a bus with transfers again after several bad experiences.