AIBU To expect more effort from DM

[Lifeonmars77]

This could be a long one so apologies in advance - don't want to drip feed and there are a few factors.

My husband and I, with our two boys, moved away from our home town almost two years ago - 80 miles, 1.5 hour journey. In that time, DM has visited twice. The first time I had to drive up there to pick her up and then drive 30 miles to our nearest coach station to drop her off for her return journey home. The train apparently wasn't an option as you have to change twice and it takes about 3 hours, fair enough.

The second time she got the coach down here and back home again but we had to make the same 60 mile round trip to pick her up and drop her off at the coach station. There is a direct bus both at her end and mine.

She has a real issue with getting public transport, is 'afraid' of trains, buses, getting on the wrong one etc. Even when we lived in our hometown 8 miles from her, we would only see her if we visited or if we picked her up to bring her back to ours.

Since my DF passed away in 1993, she chose to get rid of the car (even though she can drive) and everyone (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, mostly me) pandered to her and for the last 25 years only ever goes anywhere if she can get someone to take her.

It's been a bone of contention since I moved away and it really hurts that she won't make the effort. This weekend I asked her if she would come down and visit in May for our DS's Rugby presentation (we've just found out he's getting Player of the Year) which I thought she would love to do... but I just got hit with excuses... 'Oh well I'll have to see if uncle x can get me to the bus station, but he's due an operation...' There's a direct bus service to the coach station from the end of her road that takes 20 mins by the way.

AIBU to just tell her to get out of her fucking bubble and make the effort to see us, more so her grandchildren?? It feels like we're not worth the effort and it's massively upsetting me.

Sorry that was long, thanks for reading

Some people just don’t like being out of their comfort zone so although to me it sounds incredible that a 67 year old woman won’t make an 80 mile journey I just try to accept that everyone is different. My 89 year old DF happily travels around the UK catching up with his old friends, even went to a reunion of his old Youth Club today .

If it is too inconvenient for you to make the journey to collect her then she will just have to accept the situation and don’t allow yourself to be guilt tripped, but accept you won’t see so much of her.

Why don't you work out what it would cost for a car service rather than a taxi. They sometimes cost less, especially if you can be flexible around times.

Until you are your mother’s age, you won’t know whether you will have a similar type of anxiety at that time.

My mum lived with us and from the minute she moved in, never went anywhere unless I took her. She’d never driven, so I suppose that makes a difference, but I couldn’t get her to go anywhere, join anything, unless I took her.

Now that I’m older I have more understanding I think. One of my neighbours, the same age as your mum, refuses to drive, although she is capable of it.

I think that, as you get older, you do have more fears and anxieties about things you once found straightforward.

It's only on Mumsnet where people who have the temerity to move more than 1 mile from they were born are social lepers. in the real world, it's accepted that many people have many good reasons to move away from the family teat.

No one said that. I've lived abroad and no longer live in the same part of the country I grew up in. The fact is since I moved (for good reasons) I do end up travelling to see family more than the other way round. It just makes sense since it's just one car load of people going back home and getting to see lots of family as opposed to all my family members coming up to see us. I also feel it's my responsibility because I chose to move so I should take on the hassle of that.

Two way thing really. You chose to move away so it’s partially down to you to visit relatives but they also need to make an effort to see you for sure. Difficult given the fact she refuses to drive despite being able... I never understand this, driving opens up so many more avenues and makes life 10000x easier.

We moved away last year and the only relative who bothers visiting is my DM but it wasn’t overly different when we lived in the same city as them. Some people are just wrapped up in their own lives and can’t be bothered.

I think you're right she just can't be arsed......you see her a lot with so much going on......which as the kids get older is likley to increase especially if you have one that is doing really well in a sport....

I would be seeing her monthly and knock the guilt trip thing on the head.... she showed the truth of the situation lying at Christmas..... think you are getting an unfair battering here but it is AIBU!

Some people just can't be bothered to put themselves out to travel to other people. You travel to her every 2 months. She is happy with the status quo, and it means that she doesn't have to make any effort.

You would have to stop visiting her for her to seriously consider travelling to you. If it gets to 2 months and she starts guilt-tripping, turn it around and tell her that she needs to make an effort and take alternate turns at travel.

I'm a similar age to her, and do all the travel to my DM (she genuinely is too old to travel) and alternate travel with my DCs. My trips are all around 4hours each way. While I couldn't manage that every day, once a week is fine. I want to see them, and I won't see them very often otherwise. I'm not particularly fit and able, just willing. Of course she may be too ill or unable mentally to cope, but it sounds like she is happy to cop out knowing that you can be relied upon to do it all.

Thanks all for your opinions, I guess I have to scale back my visits a bit and leave the rugby presentation weekend thing with her. She knows when it is and she knows we want her there... unfortunately we can't pack the whole rugby squad and all the trophies in the car and take them to her house!

Perhaps I need to use the old faithful 'I'm sorry that doesn't work for us' when the guilt tripping starts.

I'm just tired of dealing with the questions from my eldest DS who asks often "when is grandma going to come down?" "When is she coming to watch me play rugby/do kickboxing?" "If grandma comes down we can take her to the beach!"

There is so much she's missing out on, just makes me sad

Let the kids ring her to ask?
Just decide on how many trips there are ok with you and tell her she's welcome to you anytime in between.

If she hasn't driven for 25 years, YABVVVVU to think it would be an easy thing for her to just 'make the effort' and start driving again. It sounds like it is quite a complicated journey on public transport, and she'll be manouevring luggage, and I'm afraid my sympathy is pretty much all on her side, tbh.

I'm really sorry if I'm coming across as unsympathetic, over the years I have tried to be as supportive as I can but how can you help someone that won't accept help or even make the smallest effort?

Sympathy and help are two completely different things. You are trying to change the situation/change her. Sympathy is about recognising that actually things are quite difficult for her and probably aren't going to change. That's why you sound unsympathetic, because I think you are. You want her to be different and to deal with the situation differently. I think you need to accept that isn't going to happen and stop trying to 'help'.

@bridgetreilly You make a really good point, maybe I am not being sympathetic now - I do accept that, although I know I have been sympathetic in the past.

Maybe my ability (or willingness) to sympathise has depleted on the basis that, as time as gone on, I'm finding it very hard to be sympathetic to someone who refuses to help themselves. I'm sorry but that's just how I feel.