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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do you go through your childs phone.

66 replies

wonderingsoul · 23/04/2019 21:38

I was hoping for peoples thoughts on if you should go through your kids phone? If so does it depend on age?

My ds who is 13, iv allways spotted checked his phone, but he has recently asked me not to as he feels embarrassed and wants privacy so i said ok ut hes not to change the pass code as trust works both ways Which he hasn't.

He has allways been good with coming ro me if he has problem, if hes done something naughty, or if hes upset.
Recently he came to me and showed me a couple of texts from hes so called friends calling him a skunk, me a fat cunt etc.

I want to go through hes phone but part of me thinks that if i do it will break his trust in me and wont want to open up to me no more and could cause damage to our communication.

This isn't about wanting to be a cold parent or a friend, but rather trying to keep his trust in me and keep him feeling like he cant talk to me .

So do you go through their phones

OP posts:
Flicketyflack · 23/04/2019 21:47

DD just 14.
Sounds similar to your DS!
I have never checked her phone.
I figured to earn trust you must show trust Wink

Epiphany52 · 23/04/2019 21:55

Yes we do. Ds is 14. He got his phone when he was 12. The condition of getting the phone was that although it was his phone we pay for it and consequently can check it when we wish.
Initially there were some issues on his WhatsApp chats and messages that we needed to deal with and speak to his friends parents about.
If there is embarrassment maybe because things he does not want us to see.
At some point we will stop checking his phone. However this will be combined with him taking more responsibility for paying for it.
Also nowadays things that appear on phones can have consequences in life and school so as his parents I feel it’s our responsibility to, at the least, try to ensure we know what’s on his phone.

ineedaholidaynow · 23/04/2019 21:55

Don't most of the professionals recommend that you check young person's phones etc? DS(14) knows we can check his.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 21:57

I did until Ds was 15.5 and phone downstairs at night too.

Chocolate35 · 23/04/2019 21:59

Oh yes! And I’ve found out loads from doing so so don’t regret it one bit. It’s usualky the camera roll that tells you the most (where they’ve been etc) She’s 16 now so it’s rare but if I do, it’s usually because I suspect something and I’ve not been wrong yet. She has a decent amount of freedom (in my opinion) but occasionally, like most teenagers she does things she shouldn’t and she needs guidance. I have no qualms that for us, it’s the right thing to do.

Mum2jenny · 23/04/2019 22:01

Never felt the need, and so far there have been no incidents I'm aware of where it would have been necessary.
Maybe it depends on your dc?

Idontmeanto · 23/04/2019 22:02

I stopped when they got to sensible 15 year olds, I still pay the contract and reserve the right to, though. If he’s got a good track record of coming to you with problems and you've never been called by school/police because he’s been caught up in bullying etc I think you can back away slowly.

Charles11 · 23/04/2019 22:05

Yes I do. He knows I do and I’ve pulled him up on a couple of things too. I figure he’s got a lot to learn still so I’ll keep teaching him.

NancyJoan · 23/04/2019 22:08

I do. DD is nearly 13. Not every day, a couple of times a week.

Canshopwillshop · 23/04/2019 22:10

I don’t any more and my DD is 14. I talk to her about internet safety etc and she is good at communicating with me generally. I trust her and you have to give them their independence. She would be mortified if I started going through her phone. Teens use their phones to communicate with their friends and they don’t want their parents reading what they say. In my day I did loads of stuff my parents wouldn’t have approved of but they didn’t know about it. It’s all part of growing up.

BlitheringIdiots · 23/04/2019 22:11

Yes it was a condition of getting the phone. DS is 13. School recommended it. We also check his search entries on laptop. It's a different world now.

2cats2many · 23/04/2019 22:13

DD is 12. Yes to checking. She knows there's no privacy with her phone at that age in our house.

Nothing major on there, but I found a message on there the other day from her asking a friend to log in to her maths account and do her homework for her. I want to catch screw ups like that at this age so we have the chance to talk about it properly while she still listens to me.

AtSea1979 · 23/04/2019 22:17

Yes I check DC (nearly 14 and 10) phones regularly. It was a condition of them getting it. I pay for them. They hand them in by 8pm and I check them whenever I want. There have been a few issues like DS setting up a fb account when he was 12 so I deleted it until he was 13 and DS googling naked women so I had a chat with him about respecting women and exploitation and reminding him that I check his phone so don’t google stuff like that.

ThankYouDebbie · 23/04/2019 22:18

Yes, DS is just 12. That was the deal with him getting a smartphone. He constantly tries to circumvent it by using other accounts on the same phone, using random platforms I wouldn't think to check etc. Then his phone gets confiscated.

I have to assume not all his year group's parents do though. You see some shocking things posted by Y6/Y7s, and up all night on WhatsApp or whatever.

Purpleartichoke · 23/04/2019 22:20

The internet is forever and the tiniest indiscretion can spread world-wide, or just school-wide. No child should have to face that alone. Our job as parents is to supervise.

Privacy can still exist in letters, diaries, and in-person conversations. The internet is inherently not private.

christinarossetti19 · 23/04/2019 22:34

Yes, my dd has just turned 12 and has had a phone for 6 months or so. One of the conditions is that we can check it when we want to. I ask her to open it and look through it in front of her and talk about anything that needs to be addressed.

I would access it without her knowledge if I was concerned about her welfare.

In the situation that you describe, I think I'd explain to her why it's important that an adult checks what she's up to and I'd rather do that in front of her, but will use the parental control access password if she refuses (or take her phone away if I didn't have this).

I completely appreciate that you don't want to snoop and break his trust, but there is so much abuse and harm being circulated in Whatsapp/snap chat etc to not take safeguarding children using them seriously.

I appreciate that this is possibly a minority view, as I've also been shocked at the content and quantity of the Whatsapp groups of 11/12 year olds and also what time they're posting.

Notcontent · 23/04/2019 22:41

I do and I wish other parents did, as maybe that would stop some of the unpleasant stuff that goes on.

Canshopwillshop · 23/04/2019 22:41

I find with my teen that the more trust and independence I afford to her, the more communication and trust I get back. Just saying ...
i know some of her friends who have parents trying to monitor their every move who have just gone ‘underground’ creating private accounts etc. Unless you are really savvy I think they’ll always be one step ahead.

Wheresmyvagina · 23/04/2019 22:43

Yes of course
I found some Whatsapp bullying recently and sent screenshots to the parents of the other kids involved and not a one of them had thought to check their messages. Stupid people.

christinarossetti19 · 23/04/2019 22:46

wheresmyvagina yes, I don't understand how parents/carers can possibly not be aware of the dangers of social media/messaging services. In terms of damage to self-esteem as much as anything else.

BlitheringIdiots · 23/04/2019 23:18

I've just found some direct message on Insta from a school acquaintance. Shall be having a chat tomorrow about what is and isn't appropriate. This friend is a little explicit. I don't want DS getting into trouble on the back of someone else. To be fair to DS he has deleted the follow from this child BUT when I went on to check it all just now this child sent a direct message saying accept my request I know you've seen this message! Follow request deleted and a chat before I go to work tomorrow morning is in order.

This is why I check - they are still learning what is and isn't acceptable from them and others online

CoolCatKat · 23/04/2019 23:31

So do those checking their kids phones demand their password?

BlitheringIdiots · 23/04/2019 23:32

Don't need a password for the apps once unlocked the phone.

He can get into my phone using finger and I can do the same on his. And DH can on both too

ineedaholidaynow · 23/04/2019 23:55

Password was a condition to having phone etc. DS(14) has no problem with us looking at his phone at the moment. To be fair DS's communication skills on the phone match a lot of the conversations we have with him ie one word answers like yes, ok, no! I tend to look at group chats to check nothing untoward is being said.

DS didn't get his phone until he started secondary school. A number of his classmates when he was in Y6 got phones and a group chat was set up. It's a pity some parents weren't vigilant and looked at their offspring's phones, some pretty nasty things were said. I was so glad DS didn't have a phone then. He had enough problems with being physically bullied, we didn't need to add cyber bullying to the mix.

One of my friends has said that she has commented on some of her son's group chats when she thinks other children have gone too far and to let them know an adult has seen it.

DS's school, when giving a chat on e-safety, say they can usually tell when a child has more than one phone, because when they confiscate it (children aren't allowed on them during school time) the child isn't too upset. They then ask for the other phone and that's when they get upset.

Purpleartichoke · 24/04/2019 00:00

I have passwords to all social media. It’s a condition of having the account.

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