Do you go through your childs phone.

[wonderingsoul]

I was hoping for peoples thoughts on if you should go through your kids phone? If so does it depend on age?

My ds who is 13, iv allways spotted checked his phone, but he has recently asked me not to as he feels embarrassed and wants privacy so i said ok ut hes not to change the pass code as trust works both ways Which he hasn't.

He has allways been good with coming ro me if he has problem, if hes done something naughty, or if hes upset.
Recently he came to me and showed me a couple of texts from hes so called friends calling him a skunk, me a fat cunt etc.

I want to go through hes phone but part of me thinks that if i do it will break his trust in me and wont want to open up to me no more and could cause damage to our communication.

This isn't about wanting to be a cold parent or a friend, but rather trying to keep his trust in me and keep him feeling like he cant talk to me .

So do you go through their phones

My DS shows me stuff too. He showed me the Whatsapp bullying and he told me immediately when some kid sent him porn. (Yes, he's 11, yes they do this)
The Whatsapp crap happened right after Christmas when lots of his friends suddenly had phones (mine has had one for a while for reasons) and I don't think the parents had thought that they would need to check Whatsapp since they don't seem to have actual social media (thankfully)

No one under 16 should be using WhatsApp anyway - it's against the terms of service.

Another thing we've done is to lock dd's phone down so that she can only use it for one hour a day, which includes playing games/listening to music on the bus on the way to school etc.

This definitely seems to reduce the risk of getting caught up in multiple Whatsapp groups because there simply isn't time.

I don't just worry about messages though but also videos, images etc that they may view. Children won't automatically tell an adult if they've seen something they shouldn't! Quite the opposite perhaps.

"No one under 16 should be using WhatsApp anyway - it's against the terms of service."

Yes, I agree. I had a whole thread on here about it when my dd would only join a particular sports club if she had Whatsapp because the register/info about events etc was only shared via Whatsapp group.

This has happened with gymnastics as well.

On balance, I decided to let her have it now and keep a close eye on it than say no, knowing that she would leave the sports club.

I would rather that she didn't have it, but I recognised that I was swimming against the tide a bit.

@Felford - I don’t see how WhatsApp is any different/worse than other social media or messaging so I don’t know why they changed it from 13 to 16. My DD already had it before they changed the age limit. It’s the main way her and her friends communicate so she would definitely be left out of quite a lot of arrangements etc if I stopped her from using it.

The age restriction was changed in line with GPDR in 2018.

It is very different from ordinary text messages though. The ability to create multiple groups, chuck others out of groups, create a group excluding one person, be added to groups of people that you don't know because your number was in another group, not to mention the scope for misinterpretation with multiple emojis, the ability to screenshot and send, and conversations that can go on for thousands of messages.

I'd been using Whatsapp in the most benign way for a couple of years, and only found the above out when my dd was allowed it.

I know Whatsapp has an age restriction but I applied my common sense to it and allowed him to have it. Prior to the Christmas flurry he only had family in his contacts, and now he has 6-7 friends who after the initial rush have mostly stopped using it as far as I can see (or they are excluding DS from their groups which is fine by me)

I want to share an app called Disable Incognito. Well worth the 99p. Download it for free and pay 99p to hide it from the screen. Incognito mode is not child friendly

DD is 13 and my iPhone is linked to hers so I can see what she is looking at but tbh I don’t really feel the need to check it. If I did feel the need then I would.
Overly strict parents create secretive teens (speaking from experience). I think open communication is the best thing and teaching them the importance of online safety.
DD leaves her phone lying around and doesn’t try to hide it so I’m not too worried.

@naboothatswho - overly strict parents create secretive teens - I totally agree!

Yes I do.
My boys have had phones since the start of secondary school, and we are all well aware of the pitfalls of technology and how it can be a very negative thing. Part of the condition of the boys having a phone/tablet/other form of tech that uses the internet was that I would have access to it as and when I see fit. If they didn't agree to those terms I would not allow them their tech they so wanted.
My boys agreed to this, I rarely feel the need to check, but if I get a hint that something is untoward I ask for the phone.
They do have passwords, because respect works both ways, I cannot, and would not, just check their phones behind their backs. We always have a discussion about it, and I tell them why I want to check their phones etc.
I will have the same deal with DD when she is old enough to have a phone etc.

Those who don't check/don't check very often, what do you do about checking internet access/history?

Also, who has approached them, who they are talking to online etc?

I am old enough to remember parents being told in the early days of the internet to keep the PC in the family room!

people say unless its a safety concnern-how would u know what theyre doing on there

the internet is vast and endless they cold be looking at anyting talking to anyne and u wouldnt know if youre not checking regularly

Thank you for every ones input, it's been really helpful.

At the moment he has my falling apart mobile with no sim but uses it mainly for Instagram to talk to his friends .

I spoke to him today about the need to be able to check his phone, asked him if he had kids if he would look and why. He understands but still doesn't like it. I said I would get him a proper phone with sim, only I would check it if I felt the need to. He was ok with this.
We then went for a walk and he opened up about he sometimes wants to self harm just so he can focus on something else, spoke about friends at school and just had a really good conversation about his life and what can help.

I ado agree that iverbstrict parents cause screactive teens, it's just finding that balance.
This thread helped me put into words and show him that its every parent job, and it's not just me being nosey.

I hope it goes with out saying that I'll deal with the thoughts of self harm, but I'm happy he is safe and hasn't done anything (I'm not just taking his word, there is no Mark's on him) but keeping him talking to me is the most important thing right now

My parents made an arrangement with my 13yo to take her out for lunch without consulting me. I found out while at work an hour before they had arranged to pick her up (Easter hols). This meant some texts to and fro between daughter and me, and me and my parents, to find out what was going on. More awkward as I was on trial at a job in a small office so use of phone was easily noticed.
I agreed she could go but asked them to make arrangements through me in future. This is something we have also fallen out about in the past as the same thing has happened before.
They then cancelled the whole arrangement, so my daughter lost out, and didn't speak to me for two weeks or visit her or toddler sister.
My mum then told me not to text my dad any more (as he has a heart condition) because I'd tried to reason with him that I needed to know any arrangements in advance myself.
I don't want to cause my dad any health issues and I've been miserable for 3wks as I feel that I should be consulted on arrangements, but this shouldn't cause such a huge fall out with my parents.