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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you go through your childs phone.

66 replies

wonderingsoul · 23/04/2019 21:38

I was hoping for peoples thoughts on if you should go through your kids phone? If so does it depend on age?

My ds who is 13, iv allways spotted checked his phone, but he has recently asked me not to as he feels embarrassed and wants privacy so i said ok ut hes not to change the pass code as trust works both ways Which he hasn't.

He has allways been good with coming ro me if he has problem, if hes done something naughty, or if hes upset.
Recently he came to me and showed me a couple of texts from hes so called friends calling him a skunk, me a fat cunt etc.

I want to go through hes phone but part of me thinks that if i do it will break his trust in me and wont want to open up to me no more and could cause damage to our communication.

This isn't about wanting to be a cold parent or a friend, but rather trying to keep his trust in me and keep him feeling like he cant talk to me .

So do you go through their phones

OP posts:

nevernotworried · 24/04/2019 00:13

Yes. 13 year old. Still a child. The internet etc is too big for a child to deal with alone, in my opinion. Never mind what they send or look at, what about what other children may be sending. We've had to have a few chats. I suspect from what I've seen, some other parents aren't checking though. School advice here is to know what your child is doing. It's not easy.

nevernotworried · 24/04/2019 00:14

I mean we've a 13 year old child here.

AlexaShutUp · 24/04/2019 00:15

DD is 13. I do check occasionally, but much less now as I haven't ever had to pull her up for anything. There is a bit of mild swearing every now and then, but no mean or inappropriate messages.

It was part of the deal when she got the phone that we would be able to check stuff if we needed to. However, as she is getting older now, I'm more inclined to think that she is entitled to some privacy. She has demonstrated that she is able to use the phone sensibly, so I won't keep on checking for much longer.

RoseMartha · 24/04/2019 00:23

Yes and a good thing too as inappropriate activity has taken place. (And phones are taken away as a consequence when this happens). I am hoping it is a learning curve and they do not keep making the same mistakes. When we can trust them then of course not. But at the moment it is necessary. They are almost 12. And we have strict limitations on usage as this has proved necessary.

Purpletigers · 24/04/2019 00:24

Yes ! Eldest is 13.

snapandfartaftermartialarts · 24/04/2019 00:38

When I was younger (Nokia days) we just used to text "don't tb" mum having phone or something along the lines. Probably with a lot less letters..

My DC aren't this age yet and I completely understand the whole trust element of it but surely the only real way to "check" a phone is to do it without their knowledge...

AlexaShutUp · 24/04/2019 00:48

My DC aren't this age yet and I completely understand the whole trust element of it but surely the only real way to "check" a phone is to do it without their knowledge...

Yes, I think you're right. Having said that, although it was always part of the deal when she got the phone, I don't think my dd has ever really realised that I do actually check. I don't tell her when I'm going to do it and I don't tell her when I've done it. Obviously, if I found something of concern, I'd have to talk to her, but I don't think she edits/hides stuff for my benefit.

She is now getting to an age where I feel
a little uncomfortable looking at her messages without telling her that I'm doing it, so as I said above, I won't be checking for much longer. I am confident that she will be sensible and I will trust her to get on with it. However, I probably wouldn't feel like that if there had been lots of issues over the years that had caused me to doubt her.

IlluminatiConfirmed · 24/04/2019 01:08

I checked the phones earlier when it was a novelty to them but not anymore, kids are 11 and 14 now and I trust them to use their phones sensibly. I tell kids that I can check their phones any time but I didn't actually do it in the last 2 years. If I decided that I need to do it, I would explain why first. (Unless it's a safety concern).

FishCanFly · 24/04/2019 04:07

The thing is if your teens know you're checking their phones wouldn't they just delete anything not so saintly from search or messages.
It's so easy with phones to mute certain people or to hide certain things.
That's the point - if you don't entertain content to be discovered in your phone - don't have it there. At the end of a day, I'm a parent, not an enemy. Worst thing I can do, is tell you off. But phone falls into wrong hands - can be a shitload of trouble, even a criminal record.

Raspberrytruffle · 24/04/2019 05:33

I do but with dd permission, she gets bullied at school and has has txts sent to upset her so I monitor her txts to ensure shes not getting bullied, shes almost 11 and uses the phone to call her grandparents and her cousins but txts her best friends over the school holidays as we live brutally so she doesn't get to see her friends until school starts. It's a Huawei mobile.

Raspberrytruffle · 24/04/2019 05:34

Not brutally! Rurally

Raspberrytruffle · 24/04/2019 05:34

Also dd doesn't use the internet or social media shes too young for that, I'm one of those mums

Wheresmyvagina · 24/04/2019 06:49

I don't 'demand' the passwords I have the passwords.

ChilliMum · 24/04/2019 07:28

Yes like others it was an absolute condition of the phone. Tbh I rarely check it, like others have said it stays downstairs overnight and she doesn't take it to school.

The problem is it's easy when you're young to get caught up in the moment and share something you shouldn't or get involved in something because your friends are. I hope that knowing I might see what she writes will give her pause for thought. To stop and think before we act is an important skill to learn.

Ski4130 · 24/04/2019 07:35

We’ve got 3 dc, two of whom have phones and various social media accounts (Insta, WhatsApp) They’re 14 and 11, and the condition of them having a phone, and access to social media, is that we can, and occasionally do, check their phones. The internet is far too big and unpredictable, and open to too much abuse, and this is the only way we feel as parents that we can help them navigate it. I’ve never found anything that concerns me too much, other than s friend of ds2 using ‘gay’ as an insult, which we spoke to ds about, and some swearing which we didn’t make an issue of. Both boys have come to us before when they’ve been concerned about something (ds1 had a friend who mentioned self harm, and not being happy, and he didn’t know how to respond) We make it clear that it’s not that we don’t trust them, but that whilst they’re the ages they are now, we feel that we need to be ‘in charge’ of their social media usage. It seems fairly normal in our group of friends, most have the condition that if the kids have social media, passwords have to shared with the parents, and phone checks can happen.

Canshopwillshop · 24/04/2019 07:49

I suppose the difference is that my DD actually tells me or comes to show me anything she’s not comfortable with rather than me having to check up. The only time she was subjected to cyber bullying she was the one who raised it with me and we dealt with it together - that was in year 6. Now she’s year 9 I don’t feel it’s appropriate to check any more. I am friends with her on Insta so I do see some stuff that way.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 24/04/2019 07:52

I suppose the difference is that my DD actually tells me or comes to show me anything she’s not comfortable with rather than me having to check up

You think she does. And if that's the case at the moment you have no idea that will continue.

littlebillie · 24/04/2019 08:04

I do, all this "trust" is why we are having problems with bullying and a culture of disrespect.

I just wish adult would actually "parent" their children and give them guidance.

I check phones regularly restrict screen time and regulate usage. I am not popular for this but I am trying to get them to behave sensibly in a dangerous environment. All parts of a child's life needs guidance and giving them a phone without restriction is madness.

MsMarvellous · 24/04/2019 08:09

I have a 7 year old who is already asking for a phone, she isn't having one until she is going places on her own, but we did talk about how when she gets one I will need to be able to check it anytime I feel I need to.

Yep days late me she asks me "but mummy, what if I have a secret boyfriend'

Well yes darling, that's exactly the point. That and all the other stuff you have to navigate as you grow up.

I think it's sensible. But should be done with honesty and openness and in a culture of talking about things more generally.

Canshopwillshop · 24/04/2019 08:14

@DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen - of course I don’t know if that will continue but I feel she has demonstrated that she is sensible and, at nearly 15, I feel I have to start letting go. I think it’s fair enough to check phones when they are younger but there comes a point when you have to start trusting them.

Canshopwillshop · 24/04/2019 08:28

@littlebillie - I agree. Its certainly necessary at the start to monitor and provide guidance, especially when children are given phones when they are really young.

littlebillie · 24/04/2019 08:32

Apple phones offer screen time and restrict content I also get reports from apple on their activity

Wheresmyvagina · 24/04/2019 08:43

My DS shows me stuff too. He showed me the Whatsapp bullying and he told me immediately when some kid sent him porn. (Yes, he's 11, yes they do this)
The Whatsapp crap happened right after Christmas when lots of his friends suddenly had phones (mine has had one for a while for reasons) and I don't think the parents had thought that they would need to check Whatsapp since they don't seem to have actual social media (thankfully)

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 24/04/2019 08:58

Yes, it’s an agreed condition of me paying their phone bills. But only every now and then and very discreetly.

Shannaratiger · 24/04/2019 09:27

I don't but their was one incident when I wished I had and I could have sorted it earlier. It was a great learning lesson though and he's now more open and discussing things he's not happy with.

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