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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want sleepovers with pre-school children?

57 replies

NewcastleChick · 23/04/2019 19:55

I am 51 years old. My DH is 50. My children are adults and have left home.

My SIL is 49, married, with 2 pre-school girls, aged 1 and 4.

SIL keeps commenting, that me and DH should be spending more time with our nieces, and that they would love to come to ours for a sleepover! Now, the thought of this fills me with dread. Our house is not baby proof, and they are extremely boisterous, normally breaking stuff when they are here.

SIL spent years travelling with work before having kids. When she was away most of her friends (and myself) were raising young children. I do get that she's stressed and wants some time away from them, but we've all been there and just had to get on with it. She sometimes expresses jealousy that me and DH are away on a nice holiday, and I feel like pointing out, that when she was travelling the world, we were here bringing up kids, and now it is our turn to travel. I don't say this though. And tbh, she is never nasty, I know she just would love a break.

We buy the girls lovely gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc, and we do visit them when we can (about once a month - they are not in the same town), but we both work FT and very long hours, so it's hard, and being brutally honest, I don't want to spend what very little time we have off work, with pre-schoolers. And I don't feel that I could cope with them sleeping over: I have forgotten what to do with such young children.

I don't know what I'm asking really!

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 23/04/2019 19:56

Did she ever think to do the same for you?

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 23/04/2019 19:56

I don't even organise play dates under secondary school age!!.
She so mixing up sleepover with free babysitting.
Cf.

SoyDora · 23/04/2019 19:57

Of course YANBU.

BigBairyHollocks · 23/04/2019 19:58

She’s a bloody chancer.Of course she wants her kids to sleep over and have a break.Just repeat NO.Being a good Aunty doesn’t have to mean sleepovers!

whiteroseredrose · 23/04/2019 19:58

I'd say no too. DC are much more tiring at 50 than they were at 35!

missmouse101 · 23/04/2019 19:59

YANBU! It's fine to not feel able to do that, but I think it would be a good idea to gently point that out to her. I wouldn't ever have asked my sister in law to look after my kids! How odd!

Floralhousecoat · 23/04/2019 19:59

Yanbu. I have an 11 year old and even I wouldn't want to be responsible for such little children. I don't think I could put up with it tbh. If she asks again just be honest and say what you have said here that you and dh work long hours and don't get much time to yourselves.

Leeds2 · 23/04/2019 20:02

She is just chancing her arm! You should continue to say no.

mbosnz · 23/04/2019 20:02

YANBU. Honestly, I wouldn't be prepared to take children under the age of 7 for a sleepover!

givemesteel · 23/04/2019 20:09

Hmm I'm sure her 1 year old has been nagging her for a sleepover at her aunty's.

I would actually be annoyed about this as kids this young would only get an idea about a sleepover if it had been planted by a parent.

Just say that it is not something you can take on, they're far too young and ask her to drop the subject with your nieces as it's not on the table.

Just out of interest, 49 with a one year old? Was she very lucky with ivf?

Original poster
NewcastleChick · 23/04/2019 20:12

Thanks you for replies, I was honestly starting to doubt myself. She says something similar almost every time we see her now.

She also keeps saying that we all need to be "making memories". I feel like saying it isn't my fault that you did this 20 years after everyone else.(No fertility issues btw, purely a personal choice).

fwiw, I don't think she is being a CF. She is a genuinely lovely lady. I think she's wanting things to be like they would have been, had we all had kids at the same time. But we didn't! So we are in very different places.

OP posts:
TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 23/04/2019 20:14

Making memories my arse! She wants a free babysitter.

Barbarafromblackpool · 23/04/2019 20:15

YANBU. However did she ever help you with your kids? I’m in my forties and my sister is ten years younger and she helps out with my children so I would do the same for her. The fact of the matter is few are keen to look after Pre schoolers!

Original poster
NewcastleChick · 23/04/2019 20:15

No IVF. No fertility issues. Although I think it took about 18 months to conceive the youngest.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 23/04/2019 20:17

It’s totally possible for her to have a break: it’s called a babysitter. It’s what everyone has to do who doesn’t have family help. If she’s spent her younger years building her career, hopefully she’s in a position that childcare is affordable enough to spring for an evening out or a night away.

Original poster
NewcastleChick · 23/04/2019 20:17

No, she never babysat my kids, but they aren't my DH's children, they are from a previous relationship. That said, she could have, given that they were still children when DH and I married. I honestly never thought to ask her, and me and DH only had adult time when my kids were with their bio Dad.

OP posts:
wotsittoyou · 23/04/2019 20:18

I wouldn't even take the suggestion seriously. If she persists, tell her you're finished with childcare (perhaps with the exception of grandchildren). Really quite cheeky of her to ask you.

MsLayla · 23/04/2019 20:23

I don’t blame you for not wanting a sleepover with preschoolers. I have a pre schooler and it’s hard work!! I certainly wouldn’t be offering have anyone else’s over for the night, even with my own.
Spending an afternoon together once a month is fine, sounds normal to be honest.

If you were feeling super kind you could offer to babysit one evening, coming round when the kids have already been put to bed. The parents can go out for a meal or whatever, spend some time together, then you can go home. They probably wouldn’t have even woken in that time. & be sure to mention it’s a one off.

Ilikeviognier · 23/04/2019 20:23

Wow- had a baby without help at 48? Shock

Agree with everyone else! Mine are almost 3 and 4 and it’s bloody hard work!

Original poster
NewcastleChick · 23/04/2019 20:24

The thing is, when my kids have children and I'm a Nanna, I'd be much keener to babysit. Perhaps I'm being unreasonable here? It just feels different.

OP posts:
cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 20:25

Ha, YANBU! Mine are the same age as hers.

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 20:27

No, not at all. I think it is different and I'd feel the same. What does DH say?

AJPTaylor · 23/04/2019 20:28

No you are not being unreasonable at all. I assume her own parents have passed away or are too old?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2019 20:28

No. Nope. No way. You are under absolutely NO obligation to have sleepovers. I sure as hell wouldn't. You have nothing to feel poorly about.

ArfArfBarf · 23/04/2019 20:33

YANBU but its not unusual for uncles/aunts to look after their nieces/nephews overnight on occasion in my family so maybe it doesn’t seem like a big ask for her. Perhaps you’re being a bit too subtle and need to spell it out to her that you don’t want to.

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