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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want sleepovers with pre-school children?

57 replies

NewcastleChick · 23/04/2019 19:55

I am 51 years old. My DH is 50. My children are adults and have left home.

My SIL is 49, married, with 2 pre-school girls, aged 1 and 4.

SIL keeps commenting, that me and DH should be spending more time with our nieces, and that they would love to come to ours for a sleepover! Now, the thought of this fills me with dread. Our house is not baby proof, and they are extremely boisterous, normally breaking stuff when they are here.

SIL spent years travelling with work before having kids. When she was away most of her friends (and myself) were raising young children. I do get that she's stressed and wants some time away from them, but we've all been there and just had to get on with it. She sometimes expresses jealousy that me and DH are away on a nice holiday, and I feel like pointing out, that when she was travelling the world, we were here bringing up kids, and now it is our turn to travel. I don't say this though. And tbh, she is never nasty, I know she just would love a break.

We buy the girls lovely gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc, and we do visit them when we can (about once a month - they are not in the same town), but we both work FT and very long hours, so it's hard, and being brutally honest, I don't want to spend what very little time we have off work, with pre-schoolers. And I don't feel that I could cope with them sleeping over: I have forgotten what to do with such young children.

I don't know what I'm asking really!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 23/04/2019 20:34

That’s not a sleepover, that’s you babysitting

Original poster
NewcastleChick · 23/04/2019 20:35

DH doesn't fancy it either. She has one parent, but they are often not available to babysit, they have quite an active social life.

OP posts:
LumpyPillow · 23/04/2019 20:37

Yanbu. Ive found most young children dont do well at sleepovers, They become pointless and like some kind of harrowing survival game for all involved. Quite rightfully, it reaches bedtime and child wants home, mummy or daddy. Some love it, but ive found very often it ends in tears, no matter how much they love you and have had fun.

Parents who get all 'oh that must be nice' and act like you owe them something just because they are sick of their own children can do one. You make a significant choice to have children, and it doesn't then give you the right to get pushy and guilt trip those who are enjoying child free life in whatever capacity it is.

I feel really bad for some grandparents and the expectations that are lumped on them JUST as they are trying to have some 'me' time!

Livelovebehappy · 23/04/2019 20:38

Similar set up with me, my DCs are grown up but my sister had her only dc quite late and she is 6, so not quite pre school but still demanding. I looked after her over night at sisters request on a couple of occasions, but I too work full time and decided I just didn’t want to be up at 6.30 on a Saturday morning colouring in whilst watching peppa pig! I’ve refused the last few times she has asked, and so don’t get asked now, but I do feel a bit guilty. You are so not BU about this.

Tavannach · 23/04/2019 20:41

I wouldn't have them for sleepovers, but I would offer to babysit them in her house once in a while to give her a chance for a night out.

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2019 20:41

Well, it’s a nice thing to do IF there is a close relationship and you want to but YANBU if you don’t want to.

I definitely think the 1yo is WAY too young.

My DS is 6 and has had regular sleepovers with PIL and one of my aunts, but at their instigation and no expectation from us.

This didn’t start until he was about 4 I think. Too young before that for sure.

mummmy2017 · 23/04/2019 20:44

Just tell her.
Look I know you would like some free time, but right now DH and I feel this is our time together, to travel and enjoy our life.
I do think you could maybe offer to go out with her if she gets a baby sitter... Or a day out with the children

Bobcut · 23/04/2019 20:45

Yanbu
The kids are better off staying over at someone who wants them Tbh, and if you don’t want them and you do it once I bet you’ll have to do it again.

You should make a joke that if she had them when you did you would have the energy to but shame you’re older now.

Original poster
NewcastleChick · 23/04/2019 20:55

Thanks all. I have no toys here, no kids beds, no anything for kids really, so it seems a mad idea. What little free time we do have, we like to watch something good, open some wine....also when they have been here, something always gets smashed or broken....it's not enjoyable tbh. I find it stressful, in a way that I wouldn't have in my early 30's, when mine were the same age, and we had age appropriate stuff around.

OP posts:
TheCatDidSay · 23/04/2019 20:59

If it was grand children I would say you where being slightly unreasonable to never ever do a sleep over like once a year but as an aunt, Nah.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 23/04/2019 21:00

I would absolutely not do a sleepover. I hope what I would do is offer to babysit at their house or take the kids (at their house if necessary) for a few hours so they can go out or get some sleep. They must be beyond shattered and it sounds as if they have hardly any help.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 23/04/2019 21:00

I would absolutely not do a sleepover. I hope what I would do is offer to babysit at their house or take the kids (at their house if necessary) for a few hours so they can go out or get some sleep. They must be beyond shattered and it sounds as if they have hardly any help.

Bringbackthestripes · 23/04/2019 21:03

I feel like pointing out, that when she was travelling the world, we were here bringing up kids, and now it is our turn to travel.

Just say it, nicely and with a bit of a laugh.

Ohmygoodness101 · 23/04/2019 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiotAndAlarum · 23/04/2019 21:20

What on earth are they breaking and smashing?!

(I broke the last 2 plates in our house. Grin)

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 21:28

If it were me is actually say, oh they're fantastic kids but I've done my time m8nding babies !

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2019 21:40

Yanbu at all,she wants you to look after her kids, she is chancing her arm.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 23/04/2019 21:43

Putting aside whether you think the parents ‘deserve’ any time off, don’t you want to get to know and build a relationship with your nieces? That doesn’t require sleepovers but does require some effort.

Heartofglass12345 · 23/04/2019 21:45

I can see where she's coming from, I'm lucky enough that my older sisters kids are adults now so she doesn't mind looking after my 2 boys now and again (but she's one of those people who loves kids) but I would never expect her to. It's completely up to you obviously but she shouldn't be trying to make you feel guilty! Maybe let her down gently and say you don't feel like you could have them overnight

Holidayshopping · 23/04/2019 21:50

I’d laugh like a drain and say,

‘Ha ha, I don’t think so-I’m too old for all that sh*t, I’ve done my time!! I might doze off and lose one etc’

Bringbackthestripes · 23/04/2019 23:05

My SIL is like you (10 years older than me). She never takes my kids, which is a pity because I took hers lots when they were younger as we live about 3 miles away.

So not at all like op then ohmygoodness because the SIL NEVER had the op’s kids to stay.

No one should ever have kids with the expectation that someone is going to take them off their hands.

Ohmygoodness101 · 23/04/2019 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Drum2018 · 23/04/2019 23:25

Next time she says it you really need to put her straight so she will get the message. Simply say 'no offence but Dh and I are well past that stage of our lives having reared our own kids, so we're definitely not in a any position to mind small kids now', and move on to another subject. If she has the cheek to bring it up again just say a straight out no. I couldn't do it and my kids haven't even left home yet so are probably much younger than yours, but past the 'minding' stage.

100Birds · 24/04/2019 09:09

Would your grown up kids fancy having the kids for a sleepover? Just a thought. My cousins were a lot older and we used to love having them babysit us.

Alsonification · 24/04/2019 09:28

I am 44 but my youngest child is almost 17 so like you, I’ve done my time with babies & my evenings & weekends are precious. I work from home as a childminder so my house is child friendly & full of toys but when I’m done work I don’t want more babies here on my time off. I have helped out with my nieces & nephews in emergencies (for example my brothers youngest child was born at 25 weeks & his wife almost died so in that case I took his 4 other children for a full week so he could be in the hospital, this is an exceptional emergency & I believe all family can & should help & I was happy to) but otherwise no thanks.
When your sil next mentions it I would say in a laughing voice “Oh my, I’m far too old now to be running after small babies. I did my time with that! Maybe when the grandkids come along” followed by a high tinkly laugh & a change of subject.