WIBU to insist on swapping rooms?

[IDontMindAnythingWillDo]

I have two DCs - 2 and 6 and I also have a DSD who is 10.

We have a very modest three bedroom semi. The third bedroom is only a single room. Bigger than a box room but you’d never ever fit two beds in it. At the moment both my DCs share this little room. Eldest DC has a two-thirds size single bed and 2 year old is still in a cot. But I really want to move two year old to a toddler bed and there isn’t room. I think DSD should have the smaller room, since she’s only here half the time and the DCs should move to the bigger room. I’ve mentioned it to DH and DSD and the idea went down like a cup of cold sick with both of them.

WIBU to just insist that it’s happening and do it anyway?

Firstly OP you need to speak alone with your DH before saying anything else to DSD.

The situation imho is pretty clear cut.

This isn't about parentage or time spent in the house - it's about space.

The youngest child can't sleep in a cot forever so something has to give.

The options are:

1. You move to a bigger house

1. DSD stays put but shares with the 6 year old.

1. DSD moves to the smaller room.

1. You and DH give your room to the youngest children and sleep in the living room on a sofa bed (or at least he does and you sleep in the small bedroom).

Options 2/3 are obviously the most sensible and it's not unreasonable to put those to DSD and asking if she prefers privacy over space. However, the option of maintaining the status quo is off the table - because her youngest half sibling needs a proper bed.

This way she has a degree of say in the matter and if she takes the smaller room you can offer to help her decorate it to make it her "new" room.

Whatever you decide you and DH need to be united though - so start with him and simply ask what his solution is if he won't agree to the options above - because your youngest isn't getting any smaller....

How odd that your DH is not supporting you?

Unfair you two share a small room when they’re is a larger room they can be in

So give her the choice

She has small room by herself

Or she shares the larger room with one of them ideally the same sex

Or are your both boys

What sex are your children

I would be tempted to let both the two who live with you whole time have their own room each

And dsd share the larger room when she stays

Seems pointless to have one room semi empty

But I would give her the choice

If they are all girls then I would say that the choices are that DSD and 6 year old share (seems reasonable as closest in age), or as the eldest she gets to have her own (smaller) room if she prefers.

I'd do the let's come up with a list of options together thing
Depending on whether your two are girls or boys there is always the option of sharing
Or small 2 having playing rights in the bigger bedroom
Both those things might make a smaller room of her own look more palatable.

Depending on sex a bit but if two out of the three are the same sex they share the large room, the single sex gets own room.
If they are all same sex I would get youngest two to share large room and have oldest have private smaller room.
If the oldest is desperate for own room but to youngest two are boy/girl I would let oldest have single room for now but explain it would have to change later to same sex share.

Could you offer that either DSD swaps rooms or one of the others moves in to her room. As a PP said, if DSD doesn't want the box room half the time as it's too small, how is it fair for 2 children to have it all the time. It's understandable your DSD isn't keen as she is a child but your DH IBU.

Give the eldest daughter two choices, either the smallest room to her self or the larger room to share with her sister. Go with which ever she prefers.

The sex of your 2 and 6 YO are relevant here.

Option 1: DSD moves into smallest room and has it decorated to her taste. A good fix for now either way but potentially problematic if your DC aren't the same sex.
Option 2: DSD stays put and shares with one of your DC. The other one keeps the box room. Best solution overall if your DC are different sexes as you won't need to shift round later.
Option 3: If you and DH are currently in the biggest room, consider swapping the 2nd room and splitting your room into 2 tiny rooms for your DC, letting DSD have the smallest (now 2nd) bedroom. This may be the priciest option but gives all privacy as they grow. There are some amazing bed/storage solutions for this scenario so it could be really cool.

I'd swap rooms but let DSD redecorate. Choose a wall color, duvet cover, fairy lights; that sort of thing. Present it as more making a room especially for her rather than turfing her out of her old room in favour of her siblings.

Fuck bunk beds. It’s ridiculous that one child gets the big bedroom while the other two cram into the smaller on bunks. I wouldn’t do that if all three were mine and there 100% of the time, so I definitely wouldn’t do it if one child was only living there 2/3 of the time. Stepchildren should be treated like one of the family, with equal and fair treatment, not elevated on a pedestal. It’s not like you’re proposing she camps in the shed, she’ll still have her own room.

2 children in he bigger room, one in the smaller.

Amount of time in the house doesn’t count - maybe the eldest gets to pick - does she want to share the bigger room or have the little room to herself.

All part of having siblings. Your family will never fully meld of you are tiptoeing around her and giving Special treatment.

I don't think it should be about her being there less; keep the focus on two people sharing a room meaning more furniture etc. She's just as much a part of the family but if she wants her own room it needs to be the smaller one, as it physically can't fit the furniture for her two siblings.

What you need to be saying is the that now the youngest needs a proper bed, the largest bedroom is for sharing, and the smallest is for 1 person - so how do they propose splitting the rooms up?

Offer a range of options:

1. DSD stays in larger room and shares with either 4yo or 2yo
2. DSD moves to the smaller room and gets to choose the decor, 4yo and 2yo share the larger room
3. DSD stays put, 4yo keeps smaller room, 2yo moves into your room (hopefully very unpopular option with DH!)
4. You move to a larger property

If your DH rejects all options, then ask him how he plans to fit a second bed into the small room for your 2yo (and don't accept bunk beds - say they're dangerous for such young children or something).

ok here is my tuppence worth.
Absolutely things can't go on as they are. I spoke to my young daughter about this and she suggested the following (she's very wise)
I suggest a family meeting with your dh and dsd where you calmly explain that there isn't enough space and that whomever has the big room has to share. I would give her the option of sharing or moving and I would throw in a sweetener such as new decor or bed covers etc in a more grown up style. Anyone who doesn't feel that their voice is heard is
likely to try and make that voice heard in some other way, either anger, huff, tantrum or alienation of you and her dad or her younger siblings.
Hear her out and show her physically why the big room has to be the 'sharing' room.
Good luck, its not easy. Let us know how it goes.

Can you offer the smaller room to your DSD with the promise of re-decorating?

No to bunk beds, crazy idea for a two year old. They are all his kids, you are caring for two of them. I would be hitting the roof over this. Let the oldest decorate the smallest room in her taste style. Move the other two into the second biggest room.

And I absolutely would not move into the smallest bedroom myself with DH! This is how you end up with spoilt children. Parents pay the mortgage, parents get the best room. I know people say you only need a bed in there but that’s bollocks, frankly. My bedroom is my lovely sanctuary, I’d be damned before I’d cram into the smallest room in the house so a child could have a big room standing empty half the time.

Move the youngest in with her. May encourage her to swap

So dsd only gets to see her day half the time and the space she thinks of as her part of her HOME is being taken away and given to the siblings who do get dad full-time.

I’m not saying that it isn’t practical and probably necessary to swap the rooms, but you need to look at it from the perspective of a child. This has much more meaning to her than it does to you. If you want to make this switch, it needs to be combined with some other gesture to assure her importance to the family.

It needn’t be the worst option. My dd2 is in the box room and I recently did it up for her and made it lovely, she adores her ‘den’ as she calls it. And dd1 who has the far bigger room is jealous. I started a thread, and mumsnet helped me, there’s loads of amazing ideas.

If you can dress it up as an upgrade rather than a downgrade for her, you may be on to something. But yes you need to get dh to stop being a twat first.

Link to my thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3479663-To-ask-for-your-amazing-box-room-solutions

Just change the rooms round. A child doesn't get to dictate that she gets a bigger room to herself while the other two share a tiny room.
Nor does your DH.

I would actually put eldest DC and dsd in the larger of the two rooms and the toddler in the box room, that way the eldest has as little of their own space for part of the week as does dsd at her mum's and no one really wants to share with a toddler

I agree you just explain that now DD2 & 3 are too big to fit in the small room so the sharing room now has to be the biggest room.

DSD as the eldest can have the privilege of either the small room to herself or sharing with her choice of the others...

You're approaching it wrong.

Tell bloke 'ok, shall we start house hunting for a 4 bed' start blagging his head with links.

Or tell SD that she has a choice, she can either choose which child to share with or she can swap rooms and you'll get some colour schemes to decorate it how she wants it. Throw in some themed bedding or her choice etc.