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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so much resentment

56 replies

Namechange2857 · 23/04/2019 13:15

Name changed for this.

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible - apologies, though if it is long.

I’ve been with DP 3 years. I fell pregnant last year (unplanned, failed contraception) DP moved into mine 2 months ago and baby is now 3 weeks old.
I also have 2 children from previous marriage. This is DP’s 1st child. DP has not done a single night feed since baby was born. He’s changed a handful of nappies - won’t touch a poo nappy, only ones where baby has wee’d. He’s gotten baby ready a handful of times. He does barely anything in terms of housework - he’ll hoover and wash the odd dish but that’s about it. I do all the washings/ironing/etc... He does nothing to help with the other DC’s. He’s not cooked a single meal since we moved in together a couple of months ago. He’s been off work on paternity leave so has no excuse for not helping out. I’ve spoken to him about this but he turns it around and blames me, says I take control of these things then moan I have too much to do so there’s no reasoning with me. This is utter bullshit. I’m always asking him for help around the house and have said to him he needs to help out more with the baby. If I ask him to take a bin out he says he will and hours later the bin is still sitting there and I end up having to do it myself. I have to continually ask him to do simple things like close a drawer after he’s taken a top out, shut cupboard doors that he’s left open, put his dirty cup in the sink, put his empty cans in the bin, put his trainers away.... it’s like having another child. When the baby wakes in the night he just lies there pretending to be asleep so I have to get up and feed the baby. Hes not bathed the baby or got the baby dressed once either. He’s getting at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night and yesterday had the cheek to go and lie down for a couple of hours in the afternoon as he “had a headache” He swans off to the gym for 2-3 hours every day. I’ve literally not had a single second to myself since the baby’s been born. Even when I’m in the shower I can hear him pacing up and down the hall with the baby, waiting on me to come out.

I feel as though I’m banging my head against a brick wall when I ask him for help. There is so much resentment building up that I’m actually beginning to hate him. I was pretty horrible to him this morning after yet another night of being kept awake and him pretending to be asleep (we both went to sleep at 11, the baby was then back up at 1 and didn’t settle again till 5) DP slept from 11 till 7:30 and I had to wake him to look after the baby while I got the other kids ready for school. I told him I’d rather he just left as my life would be easier if I wasn’t in a relationship. I explained I’d been in this situation before with my ex and I’m not wasting years being on a relationship with a man I resent again. He basically made out I’m a control freak. He’s now went to his mums to stay.

Am I being controlling by asking him to help out? My heads all over the place bit I just can’t see any way back and feel if I stay with this man I’ll be forever miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange2857 · 23/04/2019 13:15

Baby is formula fed btw, in case any of you are wondering why I’m asking him to help with night feeds.

OP posts:
Forgotmycoat · 23/04/2019 13:19

He is literally the world's shittest partner and father. Tell him to leave your home. Your life will be a million times better and easier. There is no other advice that would work. None.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 23/04/2019 13:19

You are not being controlling he's a lazy arse. Don't doubt yourself, you got it right when you said your life would be easier without him, he sounds like a total waste of space!

Singlenotsingle · 23/04/2019 13:19

If he's gone off to his mum's, that's your answer. Leave him there. Let her run round after him. He's making your life much more stressful than it needs to be.

Magicpaintbrush · 23/04/2019 13:19

YANBU at all! He sounds utterly selfish and insufferable. He's doing less than the bare minimum and if he gave two shits about you or his child, or your other children, that would not be the case. You've tried to explain how you feel and his reaction is to strop off back to his mother. He wants an easy life at your expense.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/04/2019 13:21

He’s now went to his mums to stay.

Thatsthe best bit of news.

Daffodil2018 · 23/04/2019 13:22

He’s an absolute prick. I don’t say this lightly but I do think it would be easier for you if he wasn’t there. You poor thing - I feel really sorry for you! I hope his mum gives him a bollocking.

3luckystars · 23/04/2019 13:24

I know this isn't ideal but could you give him written instructions, take out the bins on Monday, clean the bathrooms on Saturday. Change the bed covers on a Friday.

Maybe nobody ever showed him anything and he does not actually have a clue where to start.

I'm not talking about the baby stuff here, just the housework. Try the written instructions for a few weeks, just stick them on the fridge and then you can add to them if the method works.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, I know he is being lazy but there is a tiny chance that he is just clueless, so I'm just saying give him a chance first before killing him.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/04/2019 13:24

Him leaving is probably the best thing he could have done. Don't let him back without a commitment to change.

TheFastandCurious · 23/04/2019 13:25

As with most of these ‘men’, mummy will be wiping his backside for him so he’s gone back to where he can be babied and mollycoddled like he thinks he’s entitled to be.

YANBU and are better off alone or you’ll face years of this shit. It doesn’t get better I’m afraid.

pictish · 23/04/2019 13:26

You have done well. Now don’t let the lazy fucker back in!

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2019 13:27

Don’t let him back, he’s run off to his mum’s like the pathetic man child he is. You must be beyond exhausted and so so disappointed. You and all your children deserve so much better.

Tell him you’re done and put in a claim for child support.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2019 13:27

Was he at his mums before he moved in with you?

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 23/04/2019 13:30

Message him you will be dropping the baby off this afternoon.... Don't let him think running back to his dm excuses him from his responsibility to his dc... If he fobs you off I would just block his number tbh.

aintnothinbutagstring · 23/04/2019 13:30

Being together 3 years but only lived together for two months is probably where you've both gone wrong. Cos surely you'd have realised sooner (before getting pregnant) how lazy he is around the house. Is he young? Was he living with his mum prior to you?

outpinked · 23/04/2019 13:30

I assume he lived with his Mother before moving in with you and that she has always done everything for him so he has never had to do a thing for himself. You are essentially taking over his Mother’s role as well as being a Mother to your three DC.

Leave him, it’s pretty much your only option. The resentment will only continue to build, nobody wants to have to parent their partner.

Lifecraft · 23/04/2019 13:33

He is literally the world's shittest partner and father.

No he's not. There are many out there who abuse and do awful things to their kids. He's just a run of the mill feckless waster.

Dvg · 23/04/2019 13:49

He is a waste of space man, no excuse for it, im pregnant with our second child and we have a 9 month old, my husband Works all day then comes home and cooks for us,puts the baby to bed in the evenings AND will help with laundry if it hasnt been done. EVEN though he works every day he still does his fair share, i take care of our baby in the day, clean the house and do the laundry and shopping etc.

A household should always be equal.

Waveysnail · 23/04/2019 13:54

Plonk baby on his chest when wakes up crying and walk out of the room

MatchSetPoint · 23/04/2019 13:59

Let him know you will drop his baby off for an hour or two while you have a rest.

Original poster
Namechange2857 · 23/04/2019 14:07

He didn’t live with his mum before, he hasn’t lived with his mum since he was 17 and he’s now in his late 30’s! Every time I went to his place it was always tidy so I don’t understand why he’s reverted to being this man child when he moved in.
I honestly had such a bad labour and birth and ended up hospitalised again after having the baby but it seems to have made no difference to him - he even went to the gym while I was in hospital being induced and just after I had the baby.
I know he’ll go to his mums and make out it’s my fault and that I’m too controlling but I’m passed caring

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 23/04/2019 14:11

When your other kids are at their Dads (assuming they go) drop the baby off for both nights. Collect in the day. Then his mum will be under no allusions and you'll get some sleep.

Basically use him as it suits you.

M4J4 · 23/04/2019 14:12

YANBU, OP. I would bag up his stuff and tell him to move out permanently.

You're 3 week pp, you don't need this stress.

Bellasorellaa · 23/04/2019 14:33

hes a dick and its a blessing in disguise he left

mbosnz · 23/04/2019 14:58

Enjoy only having three children to look after, as opposed to four! It sounds like it must be something of a relief.

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