Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so much resentment

56 replies

Namechange2857 · 23/04/2019 13:15

Name changed for this.

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible - apologies, though if it is long.

I’ve been with DP 3 years. I fell pregnant last year (unplanned, failed contraception) DP moved into mine 2 months ago and baby is now 3 weeks old.
I also have 2 children from previous marriage. This is DP’s 1st child. DP has not done a single night feed since baby was born. He’s changed a handful of nappies - won’t touch a poo nappy, only ones where baby has wee’d. He’s gotten baby ready a handful of times. He does barely anything in terms of housework - he’ll hoover and wash the odd dish but that’s about it. I do all the washings/ironing/etc... He does nothing to help with the other DC’s. He’s not cooked a single meal since we moved in together a couple of months ago. He’s been off work on paternity leave so has no excuse for not helping out. I’ve spoken to him about this but he turns it around and blames me, says I take control of these things then moan I have too much to do so there’s no reasoning with me. This is utter bullshit. I’m always asking him for help around the house and have said to him he needs to help out more with the baby. If I ask him to take a bin out he says he will and hours later the bin is still sitting there and I end up having to do it myself. I have to continually ask him to do simple things like close a drawer after he’s taken a top out, shut cupboard doors that he’s left open, put his dirty cup in the sink, put his empty cans in the bin, put his trainers away.... it’s like having another child. When the baby wakes in the night he just lies there pretending to be asleep so I have to get up and feed the baby. Hes not bathed the baby or got the baby dressed once either. He’s getting at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night and yesterday had the cheek to go and lie down for a couple of hours in the afternoon as he “had a headache” He swans off to the gym for 2-3 hours every day. I’ve literally not had a single second to myself since the baby’s been born. Even when I’m in the shower I can hear him pacing up and down the hall with the baby, waiting on me to come out.

I feel as though I’m banging my head against a brick wall when I ask him for help. There is so much resentment building up that I’m actually beginning to hate him. I was pretty horrible to him this morning after yet another night of being kept awake and him pretending to be asleep (we both went to sleep at 11, the baby was then back up at 1 and didn’t settle again till 5) DP slept from 11 till 7:30 and I had to wake him to look after the baby while I got the other kids ready for school. I told him I’d rather he just left as my life would be easier if I wasn’t in a relationship. I explained I’d been in this situation before with my ex and I’m not wasting years being on a relationship with a man I resent again. He basically made out I’m a control freak. He’s now went to his mums to stay.

Am I being controlling by asking him to help out? My heads all over the place bit I just can’t see any way back and feel if I stay with this man I’ll be forever miserable.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/04/2019 15:00

With any luck his Mum will set him straight about life with a newborn.

You are absolutely not being too controlling! He's a lazy, selfish shitebag and you're better off without.

And I love @Wallwobbles' idea! Drop baby around to him while you catch up on some kip.

AlexaShutUp · 23/04/2019 15:07

Let him go. The first few weeks after having a baby are the time when you most need him to step up and pull his weight. If he won't do it now, he'll never do it.

The fact that he was able to keep his place tidy when he lived alone but won't do it now is a red flag in my opinion. He isn't clueless, he clearly just thinks it's your job now that you're living together.

I can't see that you're getting anything out of this relationship. You deserve better.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 15:10

He didn’t live with his mum before, he hasn’t lived with his mum since he was 17 and he’s now in his late 30’s! Every time I went to his place it was always tidy so I don’t understand why he’s reverted to being this man child when he moved in.

Did he live by himself? If so he's an even bigger sexist pig than your Op shows. Basically he thinks it's your job as a woman to be his servant. Don't put up with this behaviour OP

Bringbackthestripes · 23/04/2019 15:20

feel if I stay with this man I’ll be forever miserable.

You will. Let his mum keep him and look after him.

Original poster
Namechange2857 · 23/04/2019 15:39

Yea he lived by himself. He had 2 relationships prior to me which only lasted a few years - they both ended a few months after he moved in with the previous partners. Now I know why.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 23/04/2019 15:43

Now I know why.

Yep. Sorry.Flowers

ElektraUnchained · 23/04/2019 17:07

Now I know why.

Indeed. What an arse he is.

Forgotmycoat · 23/04/2019 17:12

@lifecraft. Yes you're definitely right. We must set the bar at rock bottom and be grateful for small mercies.

Babooshkar · 23/04/2019 17:13

Sorry OP, he sounds like a complete man-child. Sad

Grumpos · 23/04/2019 17:20

Very serious conversation needs to take place. You need to tell him when and where you are going to talk, don’t do it as an off the cuff conversation or a reaction to an already tense discussion - you won’t be able to convey the seriousness if it’s not calm and considered.
He needs to change immediately. No excuses, no ifs and buts. IF you are a little controlling on how things are done then you probably need to have an honest conversation with yourself too - it can be hard to live with someone who asks you to do things then either takes over / complains it’s not right or redoes it themselves after (I’m guilty of this). However if you’re not doing this and the problem is simply that he is a lazy, uninterested, incompetent twat then you need to tell him it’s make or break.
Any chance he’s just not confident? I doubt that’s the problem but perhaps he just doesn’t know what you / baby needs and feel incapable of helping?

mbosnz · 23/04/2019 17:22

On the plus side, being given the boot by relationship no.3 under such similar circumstances shouldn't come as too much of a surprised. He should know the procedure. . .

Original poster
Namechange2857 · 23/04/2019 18:43

I text him to say he can take the baby so I can get some rest. He came back to me and said him mum is not ok with him having the baby there as she doesn’t think babies so young should be away from their mums for long periods and that she’s concerned that I’d want him to take the baby. I mean WTAF! I’m so done with this horrid man and his family. I’m registering the baby tomorrow and, being completely honest, I don’t want him there but I know as we’re not married, if he’s not present then his name can’t be added to the birth certificate.

OP posts:
CoffeeConnoisseur · 23/04/2019 18:52

The best thing you could do right now is to wrap your head around the fact that you’re doing this alone with no practical help from him.

Go and register the birth tomorrow, tell him the time and venue, and leave it up to him if he shows up or not. Then as soon as you get home, whether he turned up or not, contact the CMS and get the ball rolling for maintenance payment.

DO NOT let him move back in with you.

Original poster
Namechange2857 · 23/04/2019 18:58

I’m totally raging at him mum saying she’s concerned about me. Like she’s making out there’s something wrong with me because I want the baby to spend a bit of time with his father so I can get a few hours rest. It’s unbelievable Angry

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 23/04/2019 19:03

His name can be added to the birth cert at a later date. But you can’t add it alone. Dont put his name on the bc. Give the baby our surname ffs. None negotiable.

Singlenotsingle · 23/04/2019 19:03

She doesn't want to be lumbered with a crying baby. And if you're honest, that's what would happen. He would just hand the baby over to his mum. The mum wasn't born yesterday,!

C0untDucku1a · 23/04/2019 19:05

Give the baby your surname. Not ours. That would be weird.

Original poster
Namechange2857 · 23/04/2019 19:11

@C0untDucku1a

That’s exactly what I’m going to do. He doesn’t want to step up and be a parent then his name won’t be on the birth certificate and the baby will have my surname. I’m contacting CMS first thing tomorrow too.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 23/04/2019 19:18

Ag least he has shown his true self now and not wasted any more of your time

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 23/04/2019 19:22

Vow to yourself you won't fall for the grovelling texts you will get tonight asking for him to be on the bc and give dc his surname.
You owe him nowt.
Not all dc need a df.

regmover · 23/04/2019 19:42

Good on you. Change the locks.

Original poster
Namechange2857 · 23/04/2019 19:55

Luckily, he doesn’t have keys. I own the house and he only lived here a couple of months so has no claim to anything.
He sent me a text and apparently his mums “concern” was that instead of him taking the baby to her house, he should go home and try and resolve things Hmm she obviously can’t be arsed with him either.

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 23/04/2019 20:03

DO NOT put his name in the birth certificate and give the baby your name. If he steps up, then of course he can see the baby, so long as it’s good for your child. If he disappears, is unreliable or decides when the child is old enough to look after itself or be ‘fun’, then you can decide what’s best for baby. You can still claim CS from him, but if things get ugly, he will have to take you to court and get a DNA test, to see your child. If he decides not to go to court because he doesn’t want to spend the money, then that will speak volumes. Your baby has the right to have a relationship with its father, if it is a healthy relationship, but HIS rights to see the baby at the expense of its wellbeing are mute.

Zofloramummy · 23/04/2019 20:18

He is honestly very typical of many men. He has been able to navigate life as a single man, keep a home, have clean clothes, tidy, clean and cook for himself.

He had a nice relationship with you - right up until the point where you moved in together. Then it became very apparent that his expectations and yours are wildly different. He expects to live his normal life with the extra benefit of all meals, housework and thinking being done by you.

In terms of parenting I’m sure he could muster up a fun few hours when the child is older and presented to him dressed, clean and happy. But don’t expect him to ever do any actual parenting because vomit, illness, night feeds, hygiene, comfort and care is your job not his.

Also (if you stay together) expect that the complaints department will shortly surface about the cleanliness of the house, the lack of his clean and ironed clothes, how he gets no attention. Oh and sex, even if you are dog tired and had 2 hrs sleep you’ll probably get a guilt trip that you aren’t meeting his needs.

This man is currently contributing a big fat zero to your life. My advice is keep him far away from you. You aren’t controlling, you are just asking him to be an adult, be a partner and be a parent. That apparently is too much to ask.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/04/2019 20:29

How is it controlling to expect your partner and father of your child to do their fair share and be upset they do nothing! Its normal, and fair. He's being a twat and well done for chucking him out

Swipe left for the next trending thread