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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this wedding invitation?

59 replies

HBStowe · 23/04/2019 10:54

I am contemplating an upcoming dilemma.

I work in a small office (8 of us in total). One of my colleagues is getting married later this year. Invitations have not gone out yet, but he has told us on several occasions that we will all be invited to the evening reception.

I have absolutely no desire to go, and intend to decline the invitation when it comes. My colleague is broadly a nice person, but we have less than nothing in common, have never and would never socialise outside of work, have nothing to talk about. I find him quite difficult to deal with at work because we have so little in common, every conversation is a tiring chore. I am sure he feels the same about me in return! I’ve also never even met his fiancée.

That’s all fine. I planned to buy them a card and present, make my excuses and be done with it. However, it has recently become clear that everyone in our office is planning to turn down the invitation, and I am starting to feel guilty. It doesn’t look good if none of us go - I am worried he will feel badly snubbed.

So, do I accept the invitation and suck it up for the sake of one night for the sake of being a nice person? Or do I stick to my guns on the basis that it’s not my problem to solve (and who knows - maybe he’s only inviting us to be polite and would be glad for us to decline?!).

I hate office politics and I really don’t want to contribute to anyone feeling excluded. We are a generally harmonious and easy going team, with no drama or stress. I really don’t want to put anyone’s nose out of joint.

So... should I stay or should I go?

OP posts:
VeraWangTwang · 23/04/2019 10:57

I'd go. It's one evening, you may end up enjoying yourself

user1511042793 · 23/04/2019 10:59

I would go. I couldn’t be that mean even though every one else is. Unless it was in middle of no where. If easy to get to and a nice place I would go.

JellyNo15 · 23/04/2019 11:04

Even if he is inviting colleagues out of politeness only I think he would feel hurt it everyone didn't go. I ould go just for a couple of hours.

Original poster
HBStowe · 23/04/2019 11:05

It’s in a slightly grotty hotel but not at all hard to get to, so it wouldn’t be a massive inconvenience. I think you’re right - me declining the invitation isn’t mean on its own, but me declining knowing everyone else is too is unkind. I can force myself to endure one bad evening! I might even try to guilt a colleague into joining me so I have some company.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 23/04/2019 11:07

I wouldn't go for the prospect of 'maybe ending up enjoying myself'.

But then that is as a person who doesn't enjoy small talk with strangers, especially in 'party' type scenarios (love getting to know people via clubs/shared interests etc - just not with music blaring etc). In fact, in those situations I become less interesting.

I wouldn't worry about the politics of being an en masse non attender - I would worry more about the politics of being a solo attender in an office of declinees, to be honest! If everybody doesn't go, it sets the tone of 'oh, the office culture isn't really of going to stuff like that'. If some go and not others, it's more of a 'this person likes you, this doesn't' etc.

Original poster
HBStowe · 23/04/2019 11:11

If everybody doesn't go, it sets the tone of 'oh, the office culture isn't really of going to stuff like that'.

I think this is a fair point but it could backfire. This is the first wedding in the office, but another colleague recently got engaged and I know that if she invited us at least some of us would go (I would, for example, because she’s genuinely a friend). So I would worry that it made the current colleague even more aware of everyone’s non-attendance!

It’s a toughie. I think the two people who he works with more closely would have gone but one is on holiday and the other doesn’t think she will be able to get childcare. If they had been able to go I think it wouldn’t have been an issue.

OP posts:
Thecoffee · 23/04/2019 11:16

For an evening invite there's usually no need to stay for a specified time. If it's easy to get to and you're buying a gift anyway you could consider going along to show your face then not staying long (possibly with a pre-warned something to go on to afterwards but tbh they probably won't even notice).

junebirthdaygirl · 23/04/2019 11:19

Could you really the other to all go as a night out together. Spent the night chatting and having a few drinks together. Even a few of you. Maybe all get together on a present and just wish him well.
I feel sorry for the poor guy so a bit of effort from everyone would be nice.

stucknoue · 23/04/2019 11:23

It depends on you, if it's easy to get to I personally would drive over have a soft drink, quick word with your colleague then go home. I have done this several times due to my work, I just drag something out of the cupboard

BeanBag7 · 23/04/2019 11:23

Its 2 hours of your life in a nearby location that's easy to get to. You wouldn't need to buy a new outfit. Just go. See if you can persuade one or two other office members to go and you can all just hang out for a few drinks and then head home.

VeraWangTwang · 23/04/2019 11:28

thecats have you never dreaded going somewhere and ended up having a good time then ?

NannyRed · 23/04/2019 11:33

If I was in your position, I’d try to persuade a couple of the others from the office to join you for an hour or two.
I’d not like to find nobody from work turned up.

BarefootHippieChick · 23/04/2019 11:34

I can think of nothing worse than going to a wedding reception where I don't know anyone else and having to sit there looking like I'm having a good time. I can understand why you feel guilty, but obviously no one else in the office does so really you shouldn't either. Look on the bright side, it'll save them some money if no one accepts.

SmallPinkBear · 23/04/2019 11:34

I invited all of my colleagues who were based on my floor at work (7 I think), no one came and I didn’t mind. I just wanted them to know they were welcome.
Don’t go if you don’t want to, weddings cost everyone involved (guests and hosts) a lot of money

PuppyMonkey · 23/04/2019 11:37

I’m in the minority here obviously as I’d still decline - just say you have a clash of dates. He’ll get over it/probably not be the slightest bit bothered.

(bet the evening invite you’re all expecting will mysteriously fail to materialise as well Wink)

ginghamtablecloths · 23/04/2019 11:38

As long as the venue is easy for everyone to get to, couldn't a little group of you go just to 'show willing' and stay for a couple of hours at least? You could always bugger off home or to the pub later.

WhenDoISleep · 23/04/2019 11:39

If everyone else is also declining, why are you the only person that has to rethink their decision and go when you don't want to?

eddielizzard · 23/04/2019 11:40

I would go, and get the other colleague / friend who's also engaged to go along too.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/04/2019 11:41

I would treat it as a staff outting - provided that it isnt a million miles away and necessitates an over night stay. Travel costs and child care are always good 'cop outs' if you really dont want to go.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 23/04/2019 11:41

I wouldn't go. No one else is bothered that they're not going, why do you feel guilty? You'll be stood there like a lemon, not knowing anyone, buying drinks. You don't even really like the guy. Ridiculous to go along just to show face when no one else is. Why be such a jessie? On the day he's not really going to care.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/04/2019 11:42

There is a good chance he's said this to be polite. You say you have nothing in common with him - unless he appears really desperate for friends, it's quite possible he finds you every bit as boring as you find him and isn't going to give a toss whether any of you show up or not.

TBH, wait till you're actually invited before indulging in any more handwringing.

M4J4 · 23/04/2019 11:43

I would decline. His feelings are not your responsibility.

Why is every conversation with him a tiring chore? I suspect he drones on about himself? Don't reward bad behaviour by going to an event you have zero interest in. A card and present is more than sufficient.

Tavannach · 23/04/2019 11:47

I'd go. It's only one night, and if you go your colleague who can't get childcare might be tempted to go too if she has a partner who could look after the kids. But whatever I would definitely go.

cakecakecheese · 23/04/2019 11:49

Find someone to go with you, pop in to show your face then go for drinks elsewhere.

MadeForThis · 23/04/2019 11:58

Go and leave after an hour. Make a point of saying hello first. Have the rest of the night out somewhere fun.