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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this wedding invitation?

59 replies

HBStowe · 23/04/2019 10:54

I am contemplating an upcoming dilemma.

I work in a small office (8 of us in total). One of my colleagues is getting married later this year. Invitations have not gone out yet, but he has told us on several occasions that we will all be invited to the evening reception.

I have absolutely no desire to go, and intend to decline the invitation when it comes. My colleague is broadly a nice person, but we have less than nothing in common, have never and would never socialise outside of work, have nothing to talk about. I find him quite difficult to deal with at work because we have so little in common, every conversation is a tiring chore. I am sure he feels the same about me in return! I’ve also never even met his fiancée.

That’s all fine. I planned to buy them a card and present, make my excuses and be done with it. However, it has recently become clear that everyone in our office is planning to turn down the invitation, and I am starting to feel guilty. It doesn’t look good if none of us go - I am worried he will feel badly snubbed.

So, do I accept the invitation and suck it up for the sake of one night for the sake of being a nice person? Or do I stick to my guns on the basis that it’s not my problem to solve (and who knows - maybe he’s only inviting us to be polite and would be glad for us to decline?!).

I hate office politics and I really don’t want to contribute to anyone feeling excluded. We are a generally harmonious and easy going team, with no drama or stress. I really don’t want to put anyone’s nose out of joint.

So... should I stay or should I go?

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 23/04/2019 12:00

I would go. You will barely see him if it’s anything like every wedding reception I’ve ever been to so it’s not as if you will have to speak to him for any length of time.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 23/04/2019 12:05

It's not a summons. You don't get on, it's a work relationship, you're still giving him a card and present, not sure why you should put yourself out. As SGB said, the feeling is likely mutual and the invitation might not even materialise. Sounds a drag.

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2019 12:09

He won’t care - inviting colleagues is nice and kind but it’s an evening invitation - he honestly won’t mind.

I wouldn’t go to a wedding when I didn’t know a single other person - it just wouldn’t be fun.

HotSpotSpot · 23/04/2019 12:09

If go and I’d see if I could get some of the others to join in too. Have a few drinks then leave. It’s no biggie.

Shakeitoutnow · 23/04/2019 12:10

I would go for a couple hours and see if you can get some others to do the same. It's a few hours out your life.

Butterflycookie · 23/04/2019 12:14

Why aren’t the others going?

JenniferJareau · 23/04/2019 12:19

I wouldn't go. You are not close to him and those that are, have good excuses. Things change, some of them might end up going.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 23/04/2019 12:21

I would go. Then you can go to work in the
knowledge you supported a colleague on their important day. Nice for him to feel respected imo. Even if you aren't 'friends'.

Bibijayne · 23/04/2019 12:23

He's the groom, he will be busy on the night. I'd go, even just for a few hours. You may have fun and it saves potentially years of discomfort!

Original poster
HBStowe · 23/04/2019 12:28

bet the evening invite you’re all expecting will mysteriously fail to materialise as well wink

I hope so!

Why is every conversation with him a tiring chore? I suspect he drones on about himself?

Yes, endlessly 😬 he gives incredibly long and detailed accounts of films he’s seen, football matches he watched, conversations he had with people I don’t know etc. He also gives unsolicited advice on my work despite the fact that he absolutely isn’t qualified to do so (I’m a lawyer and he’s an admin assistant, so it’s just like he’s inexperienced - he genuinely doesn’t have the qualifications to advise. And yet if he hears me discussing a case with another colleague he will say ‘the way I see it...’ and then go into a long monologue about his view on the case. It’s really infuriating).

it's quite possible he finds you every bit as boring as you find him

Absolutely - as I said in my OP, we have nothing in common and I’m sure he finds me dull. But nonetheless he has invited us, and I don’t want to be part of a mass declining that ends up feeling mean...

Why be such a jessie?

A question I’ve asked myself many times in my life...

OP posts:
Original poster
HBStowe · 23/04/2019 12:33

Why aren’t the others going?

Two have valid practical reasons, me and the other 4 just don’t want to.

OP posts:
OKBobble · 23/04/2019 12:36

A couple of things: the person you say he is friends with is already saying she may have childcare issues (she really doesn't want to go, she is already setting out her excuse).

As regards unsolicited advice on your cases just say something along the lines of "oh are you studying for ILEX exams now? I didn't realise".

It is entirely possible that he thinks he has to ask work colleagues to an evening do as a done thing (very 80s). He may be relieved when you all decline.

LumpyPillow · 23/04/2019 12:58

People act like their attendance at a wedding reception is life or death and the world is going to crumble if they dont and they will also sprout satans horns. That you simply must go and show your face. Its bollocks imo.

He's getting married to someone he loves, he doesn't need you there, youre not close or friends, just colleagues. Most normal people are so busy and overwhelmed on their wedding day they are enjoying their day, not stressing that so and so isnt there and if they ARE - they are getting married for all the wrong reasons. I don't get why people want to force evening guests (usually folk that they are not close to and all none of which know each other or any other guests) to come and awkwardly sit alone or with people they dont know, have 2 drinks, either never even see tge bride or groom or a rushed 'thanks for coming!' air kiss then you leave. For what? I see it at just about every wedding, bored shitless people watching the clock to see when is 'ok' to leave. Of course some are having a great time but thats because they are close to/know/ARE the wedding party!

Feel no guilt OP. You dont need to go. He will have a great day!

dustarr73 · 23/04/2019 13:01

He asked you to be nice.I dont think he really expects you there

LumpyPillow · 23/04/2019 13:02

Sorry OP just realised my post read like i was saying you are someone that thinks their attendance is essential. I meant posters who come in and advise thats its really rude and that youre going to upset or ruin the bride/grooms day on threads like this! Not you! I think you are being thoughtful but sensible about it.

babysharkah · 23/04/2019 13:19

I invited work people because I felt I had to, fully expecting them to say no but they all turned up. You might be doing him a favour by not going!

LordNibbler · 23/04/2019 13:24

Why don't you offer childcare to the one who wants to go but can't?

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2019 13:43

Just decline, and tell him you have other plans.

EllenRach · 23/04/2019 13:46

I'd go for a short time - say hello as soon as possible after arriving and just slip away after an hour, he won't notice. I don't think it will make a difference to the actual day for him but it will in the office. I would also say to the person I'm closest to at work that you hope they'll come with you.

It's nice to be nice, and a little effort in cases likes this will make a difference.

WednesdaySpinner · 23/04/2019 13:47

I was in this exact situation and went because I felt terrible that nobody else was going from work. I subsequently left that job and we haven’t spoken since! I sometimes wonder if she looks back at her guest book and photos and wonders why I went.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 23/04/2019 13:53

I wouldn’t go. I can think of few things worse than going to an event hosted by someone I don’t like, with people I don’t know, and having to make small talk while trying to work out how soon I could politely slope off leave.

If others don’t feel bad, why should you?

KC225 · 23/04/2019 13:53

I've gone to quite a few work wedding evening dos. Only consider if its local. Trick is to find out who is going and make a pact to go together. Perfectly okay to chip in and get joint present. Then meet somewhere before hand on the night, have a drink before going together. Stay for a while, if its grim or longer but you can all leave together claiming you all booked a joint cab etc.

Original poster
HBStowe · 23/04/2019 13:56

Why don't you offer childcare to the one who wants to go but can't?

Because I suspect the reason she can’t get childcare is that she has five absolutely rampant sons, three of whom are taller than me Grin

I think I am going to go for a couple of hours to show face, and maybe if I do it will persuade at least one other colleague to come too. As someone upthread said, it’s unlikely to make a difference to him either way on his wedding day, but it might help prevent there being any atmosphere in the office. And I will have a clear conscience!

OP posts:
Tweedypie · 23/04/2019 14:03

I'd feel bad too, but maybe not bad enough and jump the queue regarding turning down the invitation.
Can you tell him now the date clashes with a family party and you are sorry you can't go. The other office people can make their excuses later.
He might be able to assign your invite to someone else that would like to go.

bringthethunder · 23/04/2019 14:09

I would assume I was only being invited for the wedding gift in all honestly, with no real expectation that I would show up. So, I wouldn't think twice about declining and giving a card/small gift (if you were so inclined, personally I wouldn't do even that much).

Wedding nowadays cost a small fortune, so I really am loathe to believe that a colleague where you (mutually) don't seem to like each other would want you to share his special day, other than it being a rhetorical invite designed for the gift.

But then, I am an ingrained cynic Smile

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