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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask leave my partner?

53 replies

letsjustsee · 23/04/2019 08:49

Hi first post! Be kind please,

So I have been with my current partner for nearly 3 years now and I feel like we really are just not right for each other. I would have left but we have a little boy together and I just feel so torn and need abit of advice. Heres the background:

So we met October 2016. He was quite intense when we first met, wanting to spend every waking moment together. I should've guessed then but having been single for a long time it was nice to have attention and I guessed that it was just a crush stage and he would calm down when he knew that we were only dating each other.

We fell in love quick and since we both were living with our parents still ( I moved back up north from living down south alone for 7 years so back to my dad's for a base before I moved back out) we decided that we should rent somewhere together to see how things go! So we moved in together in January 2017. Things were going good but I noticed we were a little different in our approach to live but nothing to flag up anything too much.
Anyway in May2017 I found out I was pregnant!! This was a huge huge shock!!!
I was told from age 14 I wouldn't ever have kids due to a health condition I have so I was extremely surprised and this is where things started to change.

We decided we needed to move to a bigger place since we were having a baby. He wanted to buy somewhere together but I really didn't want to commit to that just yet so we carried on renting somewhere else.
I didn't want to get a mortgage with someone I didn't know too long (I know I sound stupid because I decided to keep baby but as I explained before)

He was supportive In my pregnancy but become very weird about this time! Every time I was at work he would constantly turn up, call or text me all day! I work in a very male based job dealing with traders and men all day so I guessed he didn't like it but I'm not going to give up my job because he didn't like it. He would start turning up or questioning me why I was talking to the traders for so long (it's my job to get them to sign up to our deals and spend money basically) I work in sales so I have to spend time selling! I had to tell him to stop turning up at my work because my boss was becoming very annoyed and I was too. I felt very untrusted even though I've gave no reason for him to feel this way.

He started getting paranoid and wanting me to go on my maternity early be didn't want me going back after my maternity. He didn't like me going out and doing things without him. Even if it was with my dad. I would go for a coffee with my dad and be gone for 30 mins and have at least 3 messages on my phone. Asking how I am, what am I doing, where am I at.
I've tried talking to him about it and saying it's so suffocating and he stops for a day or two and creeps back in.

Anyway skip to me having my gorgeous boy and things are worse than ever. He had a bad start adapting to being a dad, little patience and not overall taking to fatherhood too well but he got past that and he is a wonderful dad to our son now.
He constantly asks me over and over again all day every day if I'm ok (it's 8.30 now and I've been asked 3 times if I'm ok)
What am I up to today, he wishes he was with me, he hates being at work, he can't wait to be home to be with me if I don't reply he then asks how our son is, (might be genuine asking but only seems to ask if I don't reply to other texts because he knows I will always tell him)
I'm exhausted by it.
When he is at home he wants to kiss and cuddle and touch all night or try to have sex every night and I just want some alone time.
He never helps with the house work, does nothing unless I ask and ask, he just wants to sit on his phone all the time, he doesn't take care of himself, he drinks everynight and I don't like it too much.

And when we go to bed I now have to sleep with PJs on because if I don't I often wake up with him trying it on with me and I just don't want it anymore. I'm exhausted after being up with my son during the night, getting up early taking son to childminders working 10 hour days, picking son up, getting home to make everyone's tea, bathing my son and getting him to bed. I just want to go to bed myself.
It causes a lot of friction that I have little to no sec drive right now. I can't help it though because I just don't feel like I want to. Should I just do it to please him? Or is it time to call it quits??

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 23/04/2019 08:53

Quits. And run a fucking mile.

Iooselipssinkships · 23/04/2019 08:54

Is he doing sexual things to you while you're asleep? If so that is assault. You cannot consent while sleeping.
Not to mention he also sounds emotionally abusive.
I would leave. Although it is hard to do and very easy for me to say.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/04/2019 09:01

Quits. Don't stop to think twice. The man's a nightmare - obsessive, controlling, emotionally and sexually abusive.

suziedoozy · 23/04/2019 09:08

Is there anything good about this relationship?
Just because you have a child together it does not mean you have to stay together. You are clearly not happy and he seems very controlling.
You have two choices - counseling or moving out.

As you rent and are not married I think it is time to prepare to move out and on with your life. This is the first time I have suggested it is time to leave someone but I think it is.

Good luck

HBStowe · 23/04/2019 09:14

Run. For. The. Hills.

This man has NEVER been right for you, and the only reason you are still together is that you had a baby. But that doesn’t mean you have to stay with a man who is lazy, needy, jealous, controlling and, by the sounds of things, actually trying to assault you in your sleep.

rudewordsaretheshit · 23/04/2019 09:17

Leave. Go. You'll be so much happier without him. Nothing you've described sounds good.

Original poster
letsjustsee · 23/04/2019 09:38

Thank you everyone. I know it's the right things, I guess I just needed some other people to say it.
I have tried to break up before but he guilts me back. He says he will have no where to live and when I say to move back home with his parents ( I would stay in the house as I pay all the bills and he gives me £400 a month to go towards food etc.) He says he won't ever move back there.
He makes me feel guilty for trying to leave but I just need to hold strong xx

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2019 09:46

Fucking hell - you need to run a mile.

Skyzalimit · 23/04/2019 09:48

Yes, hold strong. You can do it xx

7yo7yo · 23/04/2019 09:49

If I were you I’d go back home to my parents.
He sounds unhinged!
He will harass you, contact the police in that eventuality.

Summerhillsquare · 23/04/2019 09:50

Get yourself a new place that suits just you and your baby. If you feel he could turn nasty, just move out one day and leave him a note explaining. Make the contact arrangements in writing, get CAB advice if needed. Enlist your friends and family in helping. Once settled in, find out what support with childcare you might get and benefits. And then think about how your want YOUR life to be without someone else dictating to you!

theonewiththecats · 23/04/2019 09:52

I'd run. I know, easier said than done but it sounds utterly suffocating.

By the sound of it you are doing everything yourself anyways - so you will only have one child to look after.

Is there any way you could move out if he doesn't want to leave? Do you think he will create issues for you if you try to leave? His behaviour isn't normal at all. That worries me a bit in regards to splitting up.

PregnantSea · 23/04/2019 09:54

You sound miserable OP. These are the kind of problems that you can't really fix... No amount of talking is going to make this better. It might be time for you to leave.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/04/2019 09:55

This is coercive (which also happens to be illegal). I wonder anew each time I read a post like this how anyone can bear - much less derive any pleasure from - having sex with a clearly unwilling partner. It takes my mind to places where I really don't want to go. There is no other word to describe this but abusive.

You sound utterly smothered in this relationship and I'm adding to the voices urging you to GTFO of there. Nothing good will come of your staying, either for you or your DS.

Flowers
SometimesIGetNervous · 23/04/2019 09:58

Goodness me, the hills are that way ——>

Run for them!

fallingleavess · 23/04/2019 09:59

Run and keep running !! That is not what you deserve at all !!

Connieston · 23/04/2019 10:00

The relationship has run its course. It would have fizzled out by now if not for baby.

hammeringinmyhead · 23/04/2019 10:00

You're being controlled and mentally/physically abused. Time to go. Flowers

MsVestibule · 23/04/2019 10:03

Good grief, I feel oppressed just reading your OP! You know you have to leave, the question is how.

When does your lease expire? Or are you on a rolling contract where you can give one or two month's notice? I presume your dad would let you live there for 2-3 months? If your boyfriend refuses to leave, give notice, take your name off all the bills, tell the council you're moving out and just leave. Put whatever furniture is yours in storage and then find somewhere else to live when you've got a bit of breathing space.

Seriously, do it sooner rather than later. You know he is not going to change, so leave while your baby is still very young.

youwouldthink · 23/04/2019 10:09

Wow! please get out of this now. Even go stay with your dad for a wek and tell him not to be there when you get back.

Original poster
letsjustsee · 23/04/2019 10:09

I am on a rolling contract now. We were on a contract for 6 months and now it's just a continuous rolling one. I know my dad would let me go back to his without a problem, he lives in same village so all would be fine with my son's childcare arrangements too. I think you're right in me leaving this time instead of asking him to go. That way I am the one out of the situation. With regards to the abusive behaviour when I am asleep.. I find it hard to talk about it but yes, about 3 or 4 times I have woken up to him trying to do things. When I have confronted him he tells me he can't remember doing it and that he must've been asleep too. Now when he touches me even for a cuddle or anything I feel awful about myself I feel myself going stiff and really uneasy. I just don't like it at all.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 23/04/2019 10:12

Gosh I feel sick for you op.
Leave.
As quick as you can.
I’d go to the police.
He’s controlling and abusive.

Bittern11 · 23/04/2019 10:16

When he is at home he wants to kiss and cuddle and touch all night or try to have sex every night

He never helps with the house work, does nothing unless I ask and ask, he just wants to sit on his phone all the time, he doesn't take care of himself, he drinks everynight and I don't like it too much

And he sees no correlation between the above...

The hill are that way, OP. ---->

He's creepy, abusive, controlling and vile.

ohfourfoxache · 23/04/2019 10:19

Run like fuck.

And when you get there, run some more

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/04/2019 10:23

Hi OP

I'm sorry you're going through this.

He is trying to control you and manipulate you, as well as sexually abusing you.

Even if this wasn't the case, I think staying with someone you have nothing in common with, that doesn't contribute financially or do their fair share around the house, or act as an equal parent wouldn't make you happy

It sounds like leaving him would be the best thing for you and your baby

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