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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask leave my partner?

53 replies

letsjustsee · 23/04/2019 08:49

Hi first post! Be kind please,

So I have been with my current partner for nearly 3 years now and I feel like we really are just not right for each other. I would have left but we have a little boy together and I just feel so torn and need abit of advice. Heres the background:

So we met October 2016. He was quite intense when we first met, wanting to spend every waking moment together. I should've guessed then but having been single for a long time it was nice to have attention and I guessed that it was just a crush stage and he would calm down when he knew that we were only dating each other.

We fell in love quick and since we both were living with our parents still ( I moved back up north from living down south alone for 7 years so back to my dad's for a base before I moved back out) we decided that we should rent somewhere together to see how things go! So we moved in together in January 2017. Things were going good but I noticed we were a little different in our approach to live but nothing to flag up anything too much.
Anyway in May2017 I found out I was pregnant!! This was a huge huge shock!!!
I was told from age 14 I wouldn't ever have kids due to a health condition I have so I was extremely surprised and this is where things started to change.

We decided we needed to move to a bigger place since we were having a baby. He wanted to buy somewhere together but I really didn't want to commit to that just yet so we carried on renting somewhere else.
I didn't want to get a mortgage with someone I didn't know too long (I know I sound stupid because I decided to keep baby but as I explained before)

He was supportive In my pregnancy but become very weird about this time! Every time I was at work he would constantly turn up, call or text me all day! I work in a very male based job dealing with traders and men all day so I guessed he didn't like it but I'm not going to give up my job because he didn't like it. He would start turning up or questioning me why I was talking to the traders for so long (it's my job to get them to sign up to our deals and spend money basically) I work in sales so I have to spend time selling! I had to tell him to stop turning up at my work because my boss was becoming very annoyed and I was too. I felt very untrusted even though I've gave no reason for him to feel this way.

He started getting paranoid and wanting me to go on my maternity early be didn't want me going back after my maternity. He didn't like me going out and doing things without him. Even if it was with my dad. I would go for a coffee with my dad and be gone for 30 mins and have at least 3 messages on my phone. Asking how I am, what am I doing, where am I at.
I've tried talking to him about it and saying it's so suffocating and he stops for a day or two and creeps back in.

Anyway skip to me having my gorgeous boy and things are worse than ever. He had a bad start adapting to being a dad, little patience and not overall taking to fatherhood too well but he got past that and he is a wonderful dad to our son now.
He constantly asks me over and over again all day every day if I'm ok (it's 8.30 now and I've been asked 3 times if I'm ok)
What am I up to today, he wishes he was with me, he hates being at work, he can't wait to be home to be with me if I don't reply he then asks how our son is, (might be genuine asking but only seems to ask if I don't reply to other texts because he knows I will always tell him)
I'm exhausted by it.
When he is at home he wants to kiss and cuddle and touch all night or try to have sex every night and I just want some alone time.
He never helps with the house work, does nothing unless I ask and ask, he just wants to sit on his phone all the time, he doesn't take care of himself, he drinks everynight and I don't like it too much.

And when we go to bed I now have to sleep with PJs on because if I don't I often wake up with him trying it on with me and I just don't want it anymore. I'm exhausted after being up with my son during the night, getting up early taking son to childminders working 10 hour days, picking son up, getting home to make everyone's tea, bathing my son and getting him to bed. I just want to go to bed myself.
It causes a lot of friction that I have little to no sec drive right now. I can't help it though because I just don't feel like I want to. Should I just do it to please him? Or is it time to call it quits??

OP posts:
outpinked · 23/04/2019 10:25

You would have ended it a long time ago if it weren’t for your son. I appreciate having a child together complicates things and you do have to accept he will always be in your life but you do not need to stay in this relationship.

He is controlling, manipulative and abusive, the cherry on the cake is the fact he’s a lazy fucker too. If it were my life I would move back to my parents (if this is an option for you, do it!) and save up for a new house of my own.

Jux · 23/04/2019 10:33

Go to your dad's asap. Just get out. Don't tell him until it's done and you're in there.

Humpy84 · 23/04/2019 10:33

Get some advice op. By all means leave but be clever. Delete your browser history for this thread as he sounds possessive and like he’d be monitoring.

Don’t let him know your intentions as it’s just an opportunity for him to manipulate.

He sounds borderline personality disorder or some sort of attachment disorder. There is no good way to leave him - just swiftly and rip off like bandaid. Literally move out while he is at work.

Contact daycare about restricting who picks up your boy and get advice on this. He sounds like the type to flip his lid and try everything to keep you. Involve his parents once you’ve left and make them aware so they can help him.

See a counsellor to support yourself.

Trust in your instincts and be brave op.

SparklyMagpie · 23/04/2019 10:36

Oh OP :(

There are absolutely no positives to staying in this

I agree if I was you I'd be the one leaving and making a new start

You can do this OP x

NotStayingIn · 23/04/2019 10:37

You need to leave. I would end it and both move out of the rented accommodation, do NOT stay there. Go back to your dads for a bit and tell him everything.

The reason for this is that I do not think this guy will leave you alone when you break up. I think you will be very vulnerable if you stay alone in your current place. A clean break will signal that you mean it and you will not get back together. You will also have support when he starts turning up at your house after the break up. Be prepared, going by his previous behavior I think you've got a potential stalker on your hands. I might be wrong, but better proceed being aware of that danger. I would also tell work about the break up. Embarrassing maybe, but as he has already turned up at your office to quite an obsessive extend (and your boss is aware of that) I imagine he will do so again in a bit to win you back. Be safe.

Vvfjdghfjhhngg · 23/04/2019 10:39

Just believe in yourself. You are a powerful woman and you can do this ! Leave him and yes it will be difficult to start with but you will find yourself looking back one day and wishing you had left him sooner. Good luck and stay strong xx

BlatheringOn · 23/04/2019 10:40

You have explained your situation very reasonably and clearly. He has some serious issues - none of which are your fault. As other posters have said - trust your instincts; you know this is not a normal relationship.

HappyLife21 · 23/04/2019 10:56

Yes, call it quits.

Cath2907 · 23/04/2019 10:58

Time to make a run for it.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 23/04/2019 11:00

In your situation I would move back to your dads. Let everyone know you have split up as I suspect he may end up stalking you.

You mentioned mortgages could you get one on your own if you save like mad living at your dads.

Surely it’s important for your son to learn that this is not normal behaviour and you wouldn’t want him growing up thinking this is acceptable.

Hearhere · 23/04/2019 11:01

He sounds extremely weird and dysfunctional

Hearhere · 23/04/2019 11:03

I mean he sounds very childlike or perhaps he has a very low IQ?

Bookworm4 · 23/04/2019 11:09

➡️🌄
GO

AlunWynsKnee · 23/04/2019 11:15

Is the rental in your name only? The simplest thing would be for you to move out and give notice if it is. That does mean he would be in the flat with potential to cause trouble so for you. Are you able to talk to your landlord to perhaps leave and get the locks changed as you do so so he has to leave too.

EarlyWarning · 23/04/2019 11:21

I agree with all the PPs. You need to get away from this man. Go now.

OnlyPostInEmergencies · 23/04/2019 11:22

This man is engaging in controlling and abusive behaviour. It will never get better, it will probably get worse over time. The women who end up in A & E or the morgue - it started like this.

He will try to guilt-trip you into staying. He might threaten, cajole, cry, apologise, promise to change. He might turn violent. He may stalk you.

Don’t give in - tell your Dad everything, move in with him, then when you are ready, find a place just for you and your baby.

Read this website about domestic abuse: www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help#domestic-abuse-in-a-relationship-recognise-it

If he harasses you after you leave, contact www.ncdv.org.uk/about-ncdv/. They provide a FREE service which will help you get an injunction to prevent him contacting you.

DC3dilemma · 23/04/2019 11:34

This is coercive control OP -abusive, and now illegal, behaviour. Speaking out is what will help you. When we keep these things secret, we continue to be manipulated and controlled. So first things first -TELL -Women’s Aid, you family, local PCO...

ciderhouserules · 23/04/2019 11:46

Run a mile. No - run 100 miles. And then keep going!

He' controlling, abusive emotionally and Rapey.

And yet - he's a good dad?

No, he's not. He's horrendously controlling and will do the same to your child. And your child will grow up with this 'normal'.

Get out.

Hearhere · 23/04/2019 11:56

I'm wondering what culture this man is from?

theonewiththecats · 23/04/2019 11:58

hear
does it matter? It's abusive and controlling and it doesn't really matter where he is from!

itstheweekend2 · 23/04/2019 12:01

Hi OP, You've taken the first step, now follow it through and get out asap, this guy is creepy, he will not let you go easily so being at your Dad's for support/protection would be a good move initially. Good luck.

Butterflyone1 · 23/04/2019 12:01

Like everyone has said you need to leave ASAP however be prepared it won't be easy. He is clearly a very controlling man and he won't make life easy for you.

If you can, plan things carefully. Have enough money set aside, find somewhere safe to go and tell people you trust what's happening. He won't make life easy for you but you have to leave hm.

Hearhere · 23/04/2019 12:07

@theone totally agree she should just leave regardless of where he's from, but the more insight we have into this man the better we can help her

Original poster
letsjustsee · 23/04/2019 12:08

Thank you everyone.
I know he will make things hard for me. I am prepared to have a few problems in us separating.
Question is how and what do I do about our son? I trust him with him when I'm at work - DS goes to childminders but he has Wednesday with his dad all day.
But I don't want to leave the relationship then have him having our son all day Wednesday unless he is somewhere stable, like his parents house. I don't want him having our son unless he is somewhere safe. He can't be having him if he is sofa surfing or whatever he plans on doing.
Do I have the right to say that? He is on birth certificate and has rights too.

OP posts:
Original poster
letsjustsee · 23/04/2019 12:10

He is western culture. He is from north east England where we live currently. His family are also from here too

OP posts:
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