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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my very young DC and uproot them away from their father?

60 replies

Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 18:40

I've posted a couple of times before for advice about the fact my DP and father of my children doesn't want to leave London, despite it not being financially feasible for us to continue living here as we are. We're in a one bed flat with a toddler and I'm about to give birth to our second any day now, we've known for a considerable amount of time that something needed to be done and sharpish when we decided to keep the second baby but he has dragged his heels and nothing materialised.

We've butted heads over this for many months and failed to come to a compromise that would work for everybody concerned because he's very adverse to any change whatsoever (he's on the ASD spectrum if that's relevant).

I've decided that I'm going to do me and the DC a favour and make the choice for us so my minds made up and we're going on our own.

He doesn't want to leave everything he knows here (his first DC - understandably - his hobby club and one older relative). He doesn't want to have to travel long distance regularly to see his older DC so I suspect he won't want to make the effort to come and visit our two, either. It looks like I'm in it alone from here on out.

He has had his hours reduced at work so it really is crunch time as before long we won't be able to afford this flat whatsoever, let alone it be a pinch every month, so it's a case of jump before I'm pushed. I expect he will move in with his relative temporarily when I leave.

My plan is to give notice on our flat and use the deposit to rent somewhere i have ties a couple of hundred miles away, very cheap rent in comparison and a better quality of life.

I'm positively shitting myself because I'll be doing all of this on my own with a toddler and a newborn but I want a better future for my children than being couped up in a poky flat, scraping by miserably.

My AIBU is, am i being mad for thinking I can do all of this within the next three months whilst baby is so young?

I want to go before I lose my nerve or he convinces me to change my mind.

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 22/04/2019 18:43

Just move to Hove and tell him to commute 🤷

Fiveredbricks · 22/04/2019 18:44

But otherwise, yes OP. Please move. The better quality of life will also include not being with an arse of a husband Flowers

Noteanoshadesis · 22/04/2019 18:45

It sounds like you and your DC will be much better off, but do you have enough funds behind you to do this? Furnishing the house etc?
If you think financially you’ll be able to cope, it sounds like a much better quality of life for you and DC.

PanamaPattie · 22/04/2019 18:45

Is the flat and deposit in your name only? Can you be sure that you will get the full deposit back to start your new life?

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 18:48

I don't think you are wrong at all for wanting/needing to move out of London but it's different for him as he has a child there. How old is his eldest child?

Nesssie · 22/04/2019 18:48

So you are making him choose between his original child and his children with you?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/04/2019 18:49

So are you splitting up? Can you afford to move and rent elsewhere whilst supporting two children.

Your DP is right not to want to live miles away from his existing children.

Is that not a compromise at all? He could fight the move as that's not a good journey for contact time and you would be expected to make it as you moved.

Original poster
Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 18:50

He has agreed during one of our many previous discussions that the deposit would be returned to me, to fund my move in the event that it happens.

I don't think he fully believed I would have the metaphorical balls to follow through though, at least not any time soon.

I'm not concerned about him dicking about over the deposit, he's not spiteful in that sense.

I plan to use the next few months to squirrel away what I can in preparation to furnish a flat/house. I'll buy second hand mostly and use Facebook freecycle for odd bits and bats if needs be.

I've got a flat full of nice furniture here but god knows how much it would cost me to get everything moved, I may be better off selling some things before I go.

OP posts:
theonewiththecats · 22/04/2019 18:53

how are you going to fund your life - I guess you will be going in mat leave for a few months. how would you pay rent (or even pass an affordability check with an estate agent) and other bills. doesn't sound like your partner had a good salary and will be able to support you?

if you hand in the notice on the flat, where would your partner live? if he is struggling with things due to his Asd, do you think it is fair up leave him in effect homeless (or where would he stay). you said you plan to move a few hundred miles away so not a commutable distance for him. if you are a sahm and he if is the breadwinner, then I think this is all pretty shoddy, sorry.

Birdie6 · 22/04/2019 18:55

Moving your furniture would be expensive. You'd be better off to sell it and buy what you need later. Babies and toddlers don't "need" a lot of stuff - just get what you need . Good luck !

Original poster
Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 18:56

I'm not making him choose between his children at all. I've hung around for an eternity trying to come up with compromises, looking at outskirt towns etc which would cost less but be close enough to his DC for him not to consider the travel a chore.. but he absolutely refuses to move anywhere and I suspect that's in part due to his ASD.

His other child is still young enough to need their dad visibly present. Unfortunately he says he can't commit to living further away and travelling down to see them, in his words "I know what I'm like I won't want to travel all of the time"

I didn't want to split up but as we've failed to reach a compromise I have no choice but to walk away, unless I want to be paying £1000 pcm for a small box flat with one bedroom for the next eighteen years and feeding the children on beans on toast.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 22/04/2019 18:57

Does your partner have any suggestions for staying in London? Or is he just refusing to engage with you?

I think the newborn maybe less challenging than the toddler - when you say you have ties, could you lean on anyone when you move?
I moved to a place I felt more comfortable with when I separated and it was absolutely the right thing but I knew the area well and had family close. I would say go for it, but you will need some help with practical issues such as furniture etc.

Original poster
Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 18:59

He has family and a cushion here to fall back on whereas I don't.

He wouldn't be homeless and could afford to rent somewhere for just him, not that it would come to that as his relative would most definitely have him live there.

RE his ASD he's high functioning and unless you knew him you'd never know. He doesn't struggle with life in general, but is very stuck in his ways and adverse to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 19:00

He's offered no suggestions for staying in London and I've been trying to discuss it with him for over a year, he shuts down the conversation and burys his head in the sand.

He doesn't even want to move Burroughs, he wants to stay put exactly where we are despite it not being affordable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 19:01

I would have to claim benefits in the interim until I was able to go back to work.

Oh god maybe I am being ridiculous to think I can do this Sad

OP posts:
Wheresmyvagina · 22/04/2019 19:03

Yes, you need to leave. He is not being a supportive partner and he's going to fuck your lives up badly if you stay with him.
IIRC you live in a studio flat not even a proper one bed?

Original poster
Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 19:04

A relative of my own has offered to help me get set up in the area, providing some financial relief in regards to moving in somewhere (which they'd be reimbursed for obviously)

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 22/04/2019 19:05

I don't see that you have any other choice. I'm surprised at pp worrying that this man won't have anywhere to live. He refuses to move anywhere, he has reduced his hours at work and they can't afford the place they live in.

Meanwhile OP will be raising two young children and orchestrating a move on very little money without the support of s partner.

You can do this OP, I really think you have to if your dc are to keep a roof over their heads.

Good luck, you will do fine.

Original poster
Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 19:05

@Wheresmyvagina it's technically a one bed but the living and kitchen area are in one space so I think that's pretty much like a studio isn't it? Either way it's tiny

OP posts:
MatchSetPoint · 22/04/2019 19:05

You need to do what’s best for you and your children, I couldn’t live in your situation it would affect my mental health four people living in a 1 bed apartment.

I know of the most beautiful three storey semi detached house with four double bedrooms en-suite and the garden has been landscaped by a award winning landscaper for £600 pcm in the north 100m to the beach so you can definitely get something better.

IvanaPee · 22/04/2019 19:05

I remember your last thread (cut of overtime?)

There was more detail of your situation then. You have to go. You 100% should. This isn’t sustainable.

I think you’ve been very brave to make the decision.

theonewiththecats · 22/04/2019 19:10

match
Op isn't working, has a toddler and soon a newborn. I fail to see how someone in her shoes could even afford £600 per months.

unless OP has a firm plan to get back to work, I don't see much difference between being benefits dependant in location A or B.

Also, often cheaper areas have less employment opportunities so OP may be shooting herself in the foot long term wise?

Herland · 22/04/2019 19:10

Hmmm you may find he applies to the court to force you to return or to stop you going in the first place.

Original poster
Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 19:14

Thats right I'm currently not working, I was FT until after mat leave with DS1 then became a SAHM because the childcare costs here are astronomical and we couldn't afford it aside the rent.

Looking to return to work asap but will need to claim benefits for a short period in the interim. I'm thinking 3-6 months max.

I have family ties in the area I want to go to, who are happy to happy to help with childcare and DS will be eligible for some free hours in the not so distant future so although there may be lesser job opportunities where I'm going (smaller area) it would make it alot easier for me to get back into work in general.

OP posts:
Wheresmyvagina · 22/04/2019 19:15

Hmmm you may find he applies to the court to force you to return or to stop you going in the first place.
Grin good luck to him persuading a judge that she shouldn't be allowed to leave when neither of them can afford to live in London!
Court orders are only made where proportionate.