Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To take my very young DC and uproot them away from their father?

60 replies

Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 18:40

I've posted a couple of times before for advice about the fact my DP and father of my children doesn't want to leave London, despite it not being financially feasible for us to continue living here as we are. We're in a one bed flat with a toddler and I'm about to give birth to our second any day now, we've known for a considerable amount of time that something needed to be done and sharpish when we decided to keep the second baby but he has dragged his heels and nothing materialised.

We've butted heads over this for many months and failed to come to a compromise that would work for everybody concerned because he's very adverse to any change whatsoever (he's on the ASD spectrum if that's relevant).

I've decided that I'm going to do me and the DC a favour and make the choice for us so my minds made up and we're going on our own.

He doesn't want to leave everything he knows here (his first DC - understandably - his hobby club and one older relative). He doesn't want to have to travel long distance regularly to see his older DC so I suspect he won't want to make the effort to come and visit our two, either. It looks like I'm in it alone from here on out.

He has had his hours reduced at work so it really is crunch time as before long we won't be able to afford this flat whatsoever, let alone it be a pinch every month, so it's a case of jump before I'm pushed. I expect he will move in with his relative temporarily when I leave.

My plan is to give notice on our flat and use the deposit to rent somewhere i have ties a couple of hundred miles away, very cheap rent in comparison and a better quality of life.

I'm positively shitting myself because I'll be doing all of this on my own with a toddler and a newborn but I want a better future for my children than being couped up in a poky flat, scraping by miserably.

My AIBU is, am i being mad for thinking I can do all of this within the next three months whilst baby is so young?

I want to go before I lose my nerve or he convinces me to change my mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 19:15

He wouldn't go to the bother of applying to court to prevent me moving, as evidenced by his lack of proactive steps taken when contact ceased with his older child for a period of time.

He's very much somebody who watches the world go by, so to speak.

I'm not concerned about him challenging the move.

OP posts:

Purpleartichoke · 22/04/2019 19:22

I’m not generally a fan of moving kids away from parents. My first choice would be to move somewhere affordable, but reasonably situated to his other child.

If that situation doesn’t exist, I would also consider talking to the mother of the other child to see if she might also be wanting to relocate somewhere cheaper.

But if you exhaust all the other options, moving to where you have family makes sense. I remember your posts. You can’t keep living in your current home. N

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/04/2019 19:23

I wouldn't move from a parent supporting them to a life on benefits. With two children, no savings behind you and childcare costs plus a small area in which to gain work unless you are highly qualified how are you going to get it to work? No recently experience either as you didn't return after the first maternity leave.

RandomMess · 22/04/2019 19:26

I remember your previous threads you don't really have a choice he puts himself 1st 2nd and 3rd all the time.

YukoandHiro · 22/04/2019 19:29

Honestly? Wait and see how things are after the baby arrives. He might very quickly agree you need to move all together, or alternatively you might find you have other short term priorities

Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 19:29

Have you got a guarantor? That might be your stumbling block to finding a new house

theonewiththecats · 22/04/2019 19:30

Have you got a guarantor? That might be your stumbling block to finding a new house

true. you may have an issue finding a rental property without income but 2 DC.

MingeOnFire · 22/04/2019 19:37

I also remember your previous threads and you are definitely doing the right thing

Original poster

Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 19:37

His other childs mother wouldn't want to relocate herself, she's very fortunate to have council accommodation so isn't up against the mammoth rent here that I am. I'm glad her and her DD have that security, but unfortunately me and my DC don't so we can't afford to remain locally.

I've suggested no end of areas still inside London albeit on the outskirts so slightly cheaper, he isn't interested. He wants to stay exactly where we are whilst failing to see how completely ridiculous that concept is.

He actually suggested we stay put until the flat becomes unaffordable then present ourselves to the council and keep our fingers crossed that they'd give us something. That thought alone is ridiculous as anybody familiar with London will know. There is simply nothing available, thousands on waiting list and the best we could hope for in that scenario would be emergency b&b or temporary hostel, none of which I'm prepared to inflict on the children unnessecarily.

I've tried very hard to compromise to the best of my ability but he hasn't even tried to meet me half way so I'm left wondering why I've wasted so much time as it is.

I don't currently have a guarantor as one wasn't required when we moved in here but I do have a family member who would act as one in order for me to find alternative accommodation.

There has been an offer of me staying with them short term whilst I find somewhere suitable, but it would need to be extremely short term as they don't have an abundance of space as it is.

There isn't really a happy ending in any of my options unfortunately as PPs have rightly pointed out that my situation and options are far from ideal but relocating seems to be the better one, long term.

OP posts:

Bloocy · 22/04/2019 19:47

Just adding another voice that thinks you’re doing the right thing by relocating. You’re putting the children’s welfare first.

justasking111 · 22/04/2019 19:49

You have to take care of your DC`s so I would say go. I wonder what his ex. would advise, you often find that the ex. has experienced the same problems you are now doing. Your children have family and friends waiting for you all.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/04/2019 19:50

I don't see the difference in moving tbh. Yes the flats small but it's a tiny baby for a long time so plenty of time for him to get more hours and you return to work so you can move in the area you are currently in.

You say you want a better future for them yet a move will mean you have no income, no job, possibly a guarantor if you can find a landlord willing to take benefits and the children are hundreds of miles away from dad and their half siblings.

Quartz2208 · 22/04/2019 19:52

I have read your threads before and you are absolutely doing the right thing

Sparrowlegs248 · 22/04/2019 19:53

I remember you posting before OP. You r.are absolutely not being unreasonable. He's had long enough to work with you on finding a solution.

Butterymuffin · 22/04/2019 19:53

I remember your previous thread and I agree this is the right thing to do.

nonevernotever · 22/04/2019 19:57

I remember your previous posts too op and I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Your current situation is not sustainable, your dp has his head in the sand and you have tried but he won't listen. It's time for you to go not just somewhere cheaper but somewhere where you will have family to support you.

Original poster

Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 20:00

Thanks all

I know my logic might seem a bit barmy to those who don't know the background and haven't read about my situation before but I'm confident I'm making the right choice.

OP posts:

Winchestermom35 · 22/04/2019 20:14

I’d move.

We did the same when we got pregnant with our second, for financial reasons. You have family support where you’re moving back to. Admittedly we were still together but didn’t know a soul in our new town. Moved initially for just 12 months on Mat leave. Been here almost 4yrs now with no mention of ever going back.

Good luck OP. You can totally do this.

boomboom1234 · 22/04/2019 20:18

Honestly I think there are clearly a lot of issues going on here. You say that you are doing it to provide a better life for them but you don't have a job yet and will need to be on maternity leave for the next nine months. In addition if you do decide to then go back to work you need to afford childcare. Have you looked into how much you would need per month to afford your new life given your partner won't be with you it's all on you. The other big question that only you can answer is do you not think he adds any value as a father and what do your children get from having them in their lives daily. No one can answer this for you as at the moment you don't really know how you will find your new life.

SpinneyHill · 22/04/2019 20:21

Username checks out

RandomMess · 22/04/2019 20:21

The irony is that he isn't in the flat or helping much because you know training, matches, visiting his family and the understandable one visiting his older DD...

It isn't him coping in a very difficult situation.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/04/2019 20:22

I’ve read your other threads OP and i think you need to move. It’s for your DC, they deserve more and you have the drive to get it whereas your OH sorry doesn’t.

theonewiththecats · 22/04/2019 20:30

so you life in a tiny flat with a toddler and a newborn. You don't work and your partner is providing financially for the family and yet you think that splitting from DP, moving hundreds of miles away, without job, without income, with two young DC (whom you will deprive of their dad) and no job prospects and probably years on benefits will improve your life in the long term?

What is your professional background. Unless you have certain backgrounds work wise, you will struggle hugely to be able to afford childcare for 2 children whilst keeping down a job (certainly not possible on NMW). I really don't think you have thought this through.

Moomoomoomoomoo · 22/04/2019 20:41

I remember your previous threads. You are doing the right thing.

Original poster

Newbeginningsahead · 22/04/2019 20:46

He does provide yes, but nothing is set in stone and circumstances change as we've realised recently when he's taken a big pay cut from work. We'd both be better off not having this flat draining all of the money.

I have family help where I'm looking to move and a very kind offer for help with childcare, my toddler will also be eligible for some free hours in the not so distant future which will help.

It's not all as clear cut as wanting to take his children away, he's also been unfaithful and can be very self centered in general. I've put up with alot from him in the years we've been together and don't have much else to give the relationship, at the expense of having a secure long term roof over the DC's heads.

I've thought this through more than it would appear based on what I've written here, I am aware I'm stepping into the unknown and can't guarantee things will be brilliant straight away but I'm downright miserable here where I am.

He's never in the flat, he's either working or pursuing hobbies, he doesn't see things from my perspective or even try to.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3